by J. A. Owenby
I clenched my fingers into a fist. They couldn’t treat me like this.
He walked to the door and slowly turned back toward me. He paused as he searched my face.
“When I put you in the shower, your T-shirt slid up your back. I saw the bruises,” he said gently.
My eyes widened, and I inhaled sharply. Although they’d mostly faded, my body was still marked from Xander beating the shit out of me. Tears pooled in my eyes.
“I also counted your ribs while you leaned against me,” he said. “I get that you don’t want to be here. I get that you’re pissed at the whole damned world, but you’re not going to kill yourself on my watch.”
“I’m not your responsibility,” I hissed. “You should’ve let me die! You’re so stupid! You think you saved me, but I’d rather be dead than live like this!” I yelled.
Walker winced as the words left my mouth.
“I won’t apologize for that, ever,” he said as he left my bedroom and disappeared down the hall. I could hear him in the kitchen as Emma poked her head into my room.
“Don’t be mad at us,” Emma pleaded. “You scared me so bad. I panicked.”
“He’s lying, right? Tell me he just made all of this up.”
“He’s not. I came home later than expected last night and I couldn’t wake you up. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to get you into the shower on my own. So, I asked for his help.”
“Emma, you allowed him in the shower with me when I was pretty much unconscious? How could you?”
“How could you?” Emma asked as she threw her hands in the air. “After everything Mom, Daddy, Walker, and I have done for you, this is how you say thank you?”
“I—” I clamped my mouth shut.
“You told me you’ve changed and you weren’t kidding, but if you want to continue to live here, you have to get your crap together. No more drinking, and no more acting like an angry brat to the people who are doing everything in their power to help you. It’s your choice, but I won’t watch you kill yourself. I love you too much.”
I stared at her, speechless, and then Emma turned her back on me and walked out of the bedroom. She’d never talked to me like that. Ever. I rubbed my face and let out a big sigh. She was right. I hadn’t given a shit about anyone else. I just didn’t want to be here. I wasn’t strong enough to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and put them together again. I’d tried that after Mama drugged me, and I’d managed to not only dig my own grave but bury myself in it.
I picked up my shorts off the floor and slipped them on. I wasn’t sure what Walker was cooking, but my stomach growled in anticipation.
My bare feet didn’t make any noise on the carpet as I walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. I grabbed a coffee cup and filled it, glaring at him as I sat down at the table. I squeezed my eyes shut against the memories of him cooking with Garrett. Garrett. I shook my head as my heart ached. It had been two years since I’d seen him. Where was he? How was he? I wanted to ask Walker, but I was too mad at him.
“Here,” Walker said and slid a plate in front of me with eggs, bacon, and toast on it.
“I can’t eat all this,” I said, glancing up at him.
“Yes you can,” he replied and returned to the stove.
I stared at the eggs and nibbled on the bacon while he rinsed the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher.
“I’ll check on you in a few minutes.”
He disappeared back down the hall, and I took a bite of my eggs. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was starving, and Walker could cook well. I took a bite of my toast and stopped mid-chew as I strained to hear Walker and Emma’s conversation.
“I hate to say it, but I think you’re right,” Emma mumbled.
“Then it’s settled?”
“Yeah, thank you. I couldn’t have done this without your help.”
“Thanks for calling me,” he said.
I began chewing again as Walker returned to the kitchen.
“Keep eating,” he said and grabbed his car keys from the kitchen table. Then he nodded at me, opened the front door, and closed it behind him.
Chapter 8
Emma and I barely spoke over the next few days. I stayed in my bedroom most of the time, only coming out to eat. I tried to keep my door closed, but every time she passed by she opened it back up. I’d kissed my privacy goodbye the moment they found me passed out. But I knew it couldn’t last forever. Emma had to start her new job.
The front door closed behind her Monday morning, and I jumped out of bed and squealed. I finally had some space again. I ran to my closet and grabbed some clean clothes. I glanced at the clock: 9:52 a.m. I wondered if the liquor store was open yet. If not, I’d go to the grocery store and grab some wine coolers to tide me over.
I grabbed my keys and purse and almost sprinted down the hallway. I stopped short as the door swung open. Shit, did Emma forget something?
“Morning, I see you’re up and dressed. That’s a good sign.”
My keys clattered on the floor as my mouth hung open.
“I see Emma stuck to our agreement,” Walker said and chuckled.
“What in the hell are you doing here? Don’t you understand that I do not want to see you again?”
“You’ve made that clear,” he said as he walked into the living room and plopped down on the sofa. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV.
“What are you doing?”
“Watching TV.”
“Shouldn’t you be on base?”
“The Air Force only cares that I’m on base when I’m working. I don’t have to ask permission to leave after that. And what are you doing? I’d almost think that you were off to the liquor store as soon as Emma left.”
“You’re not funny.” I folded my arms over my chest. “You need to leave.” I opened the front door. “Outcha go,” I said, pointing out the door.
“Sorry, I’m here until Emma gets home.”
“You’re what?” I asked as anger flashed through me. “You’re babysitting me?”
Walker shrugged his shoulders as he continued to flip through channels. “Man, daytime TV sucks. Do you guys have any movies?”
I glared at him as I slammed the front door and then stomped down the hallway to my bedroom.
* * *
There were only so many days I could stand to be sober and stay in one room. The middle of June had rolled around, and every time Emma left, Walker came over. I’d managed to not speak to him for a few weeks, but he didn’t seem to care. I was pretty sure he was going to suffer brain trauma with all the TV he was watching, though.
I stared at my ceiling and listened to the hum of the fan. For whatever reason, the full heat of summer hadn’t arrived yet. It was hot, but I could tolerate it. I had my window open all the time; it was my only connection to the outside world. I was going to go even crazier if something didn’t change, but I had no idea what to do.
I opened my bedroom door in time to hear Walker’s low chuckle. He’d show up in the mornings with movies and a few books. He had no problem making himself comfortable. I sighed as I walked down the hall and into the kitchen. The one thing that had improved was my appetite, and I was starting to gain some weight. My cheeks weren’t as sunken, and my color had returned. I still wanted my rum, though. I wasn’t sleeping well without it. Hell, I wasn’t sleeping, period.
I made sure to clang a pan on the stove and make as much noise as I could in the kitchen. I still hoped Walker would get tired of me and leave, but nothing I did seemed to bother him. I decided I didn’t want to cook and poured a bowl of cereal instead.
“Don’t you have a job or something?” I asked as I shoveled a spoonful of Grape Nuts into my mouth. It was the noisiest cereal in the world.
“Yeah, I do.”
“And shouldn’t you be at that job?” I asked as I crunched my cereal with my mouth open. If I wasn’t so pissed I probably would’ve laughed at how immature I was being, but I wanted him to leave. Apparent
ly, I’d stop at nothing to irritate him.
“I work nights on base,” he replied without taking his eyes off the TV.
Shit. I hadn’t even thought of that.
“I don’t need a babysitter,” I said and narrowed my eyes at him as he continued to stare at the TV and ignore me. “Walker. Walker! Did you hear me?”
Walker calmly reached for the remote and pushed the pause button on the movie. “I heard you. I’m not going to be here all the time, only when Emma’s at work. You’re gonna have to get used to me being around.”
“I don’t need you here,” I snapped as I placed my cereal bowl on the table.
“From where I’m standing you do. And that’s okay after everything you’ve been through. I made the mistake of leaving you once. I’m not doing it again,” he said as our eyes locked.
My stomach flipped at his words. He was serious, he wasn’t going to leave. Obviously Emma wanted him here too. Maybe they should get together.
I huffed and wrapped my arms in front of my chest as he started the movie again. I glanced at the clock. Emma would be home in two more hours. We were going to have to talk about this arrangement.
I went back to my bedroom and stared out the window. My bottom lip stuck out as I realized it was the only fresh air I’d had lately. If Walker weren’t here, at least I’d be outside going to the liquor store. Sometimes I wanted to grab him by the shirt and shake him. I hated him.
Five fifteen rolled around slowly. Emma and Walker’s voices floated down the hallway. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I’m sure it was about me. A knock on the front door interrupted their conversation, and a familiar voice had me running down the hallway.
“Joss?”
“Hi!”
“Oh my God, I’m so glad to see you,” I said as I hugged her.
“Girl, you’re too skinny. Are you eating?”
“Yes.” I glared at Walker. “Isn’t it time for you to go?” I said to him as my eyebrows rose in anticipation of seeing the door close behind him.
“Lacey, stop being so rude,” Emma said.
“It’s okay,” Walker said, “I’ve gotta go. Joss, it’s good to see you. Emma, have a good night.” He stopped as he stared at me. A flicker of sadness appeared in his eyes. I frowned. Walker had been almost void of emotion since the night he’d nursed me back to consciousness. I didn’t understand what I’d just seen.
He nodded at me and then disappeared out the door.
“What was that about?” Joss asked.
“I have no idea,” I said.
“I’m going to give y’all some privacy and go shower,” Emma said.
“That’s mighty kind of you,” I muttered under my breath.
The moment Emma was out of earshot, I sat down at the kitchen table.
Joss pulled up a chair. “How are you?” she asked, her eyebrows knitted in concern.
“They’re driving me insane, Joss. I can’t have a moment of peace. Walker is here the minute Emma goes to work!”
“You do understand why they won’t leave you alone, right? When Emma told me what happened . . . Lacey, you scared the shit out of everyone who loves you.”
“You don’t get it. I can’t do anything without them. I have no privacy. Emma insists on my bedroom door being open when she’s here. Walker watches an unhealthy amount of TV, which leaves me to hide in one room in the entire apartment.”
“What’s so bad about him being here?”
“Holy shit, are you serious?”
“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re safe with him. No one can hurt you.”
“Xander is in prison anyway. The only person . . .” my voice trailed off.
“I think you’re looking at this wrong. They’re trying to keep you safe so you can heal.”
“I’m in prison,” I snapped.
“No you’re not. You can do anything you want.”
“I can’t drink!”
“Yes you can. No one is stopping you from going to the liquor store right now, except you.”
“No, they won’t let me.”
“Lacey, I know you’ve gone through hell and back. No one is blaming you for wanting to drink and hide, but there are consequences. We’re here to help you get your feet back underneath you, to feel safe, to heal. Don’t blame them if you don’t want the same thing.”
I stared at my feet, not wanting to see the expression on her face. A part of me knew she was right, but I didn’t want the same thing. “I don’t. I don’t want to be here.”
Joss took my hand.
“We know that, and that’s why no one will leave you alone. We’re scared and doing the best we can under shitty circumstances. Walker saved you and whether you want to believe it or not, there’s a reason you’re here at this table right now instead of six feet under the ground.”
My head snapped up as her words sunk in. Tears pooled in my eyes. “The only time I feel any peace is when I’m drinking. Do you know what it’s like to have the smell of your own blood stuck in your nose? I can’t get rid of it. I can’t stop the memories of Xander kicking me in the stomach until I lost our baby, or the tape cutting into my wrists as the curtains caught fire around me. Every time I close my eyes I see his face, his sneer as he snorted cocaine while I was bleeding on his bedroom floor,” I whispered.
“You’re not alone with him anymore. Please, let us in.”
I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Hey Joss, do you want to stay for dinner?” Emma asked as she entered the kitchen. “Oh, shoot. I’m sorry. I’ll let you guys finish talking.”
“It’s okay. I don’t have anything else to say,” I said.
“Thanks, Emma, but I have to get going,” Joss said.
“Okay, well don’t be a stranger. I’ll make dinner for everyone next time,” Emma said.
“I’ll walk you out,” I said as Joss grabbed her purse.
“See ya later, Emma,” Joss said and raised her hand in a small wave.
I followed Joss down the apartment stairs and to her car.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked. “Be honest with me, no bullshit.”
I kicked at the pebbles on the asphalt as I struggled to tell her the truth or not.
I finally glanced up. Her gaze was fixated on me as she waited for my response. “I don’t know. I’m terrified one minute, angry the next, and I don’t want to be here. So, honestly, I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Well, at least you told me the truth,” she said as she hugged me. “You know we love ya.”
“I know, but I’m not sure it’s enough.”
“Then find out what is. What’s important enough for you to get through this? Right now, you can’t see the big picture because you’re stuck in the pain,” she said.
“Big picture? What big picture?”
“Something bigger than you. Think about this. If you were the only woman to ever go through a situation like yours, there wouldn’t be counselors and domestic violence shelters. This is a huge problem. You’ve walked through hell and come out the other side. Now, what are you going to do with that? Personally, I think you should get your shit together, go to a counselor, and figure out how to move on. Once you do that, you’ll realize that you have something amazing to share with other people.”
“What? What the hell can I possibly offer someone?”
“Hope,” she said and paused. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll be by again soon, but call me. I miss you.”
Chapter 9
I nodded as Joss got into her car and pulled out of the complex. I took a deep breath and realized I was standing unguarded in the middle of the parking lot. Walker and Joss were gone, and Emma was cooking dinner. This was my chance.
I bolted across the freshly mowed lawn and down the street. I slowed as I rounded the corner to the liquor store parking lot, jogging to the sidewalk and stopping short in front of one of the storefronts. Holy shit, I hadn’t dreamed it. The
guy in his pajamas stood in front of a group of people. I approached the large rectangular window as I watched him move across the floor. I had no idea what he was doing, but his movement was slow, precise, and powerful. He bowed slightly to the group and walked across the room toward me.
I stepped backward as he opened the door.
“Hey, would you like to come in?” he asked. A warm smile spread across his handsome face as he held the door open for me.
“I, uh, I was just . . .”
“I’d love for you to come in, Lacey.”
“You know my name?” I asked and frowned. I struggled to put the pieces together. I vaguely remembered him, but I didn’t remember telling him my name.
“Do you remember me? I walked you home about three weeks ago.”
The godforsaken flush crept up my neck and across my cheeks as I realized he’d seen me three sheets to the wind.
“Kind of,” I stammered.
“Well, you seem to be doing better today. Come on in. I need to get back to my class.”
I nodded as I entered the dojo and found a green plastic chair in the back of the room. I eyed the walls that sported full-length mirrors. The white-tiled ceiling was a stark contrast to the dark wooden floors.
“Okay, everyone back to the kata,” Jared said as he took his position in front of the group again.
I watched as the class moved together. Jared walked around and corrected people’s arms and standing positions. My eyes scanned the room and fell on him again. He stood about five feet eleven, and he was lean. I couldn’t make out his full shape in his pajamas or whatever his outfit was called, but my guess was that he was a powerhouse. I glanced at his black belt and then looked around the room. They all had black belts.
I jumped as the group members all made a noise at the same time, and then they bowed to Jared as he dismissed the class. He grabbed a towel and patted the sweat from his face as he approached me.
“What did you think?” he asked as his hazel eyes searched my face.
“Wow, I—I’m not sure. Everyone has a black belt on, though. What does that mean?”
“We have a belt system like other martial arts, and black is next to the highest you can achieve, but there are multiple levels of black. I’m a fifth-degree black belt. The guy with the short brown hair over there just received his black belt last month, so he’s new to this class. A few of these students are second-degree black belts. We’re all different.”