by J. A. Owenby
“Are you the highest in this class?”
“I am,” Jared said and flashed a smile. “There’s one other fifth-degree here, but she doesn’t teach.”
“She?”
“Yeah, she’s pretty badass. Hey, why don’t you come back tomorrow night at six o’clock? I have a free class for beginners. You’re welcome to wear shorts and a T-shirt and see if you like it.”
“Really?” Apparently I’d been reduced to one-syllable words. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was gorgeous or because I was embarrassed that he’d taken me home so drunk that I didn’t even remember it.
“Okay, um, yeah. I can do that,” I said as I stood up.
“See you tomorrow then,” Jared said.
I walked out of the dojo in a daze. Had I just gotten talked into going to a karate class? What the hell had just happened? It had to have been that smile of his.
I looked both ways before I stepped off the curb into the parking lot. I walked slowly back to the apartment and thought about the group of guys I’d just watched. They’d moved so gracefully, but with a lot of power. There’s no way I’d mess with any of them. Could this be good for me? Could I learn to protect myself and feel safe? What would it feel like to not be afraid of Mama showing up and kidnapping me? What would I do when Xander got out of prison? They wouldn’t keep him forever. I wasn’t sure if this was something I could do or not, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to at least show up.
I walked up the apartment stairs and opened the door. Emma and Walker stood in the middle of the living room.
“Hey,” I said as I walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and grabbed a bottled water.
“Are you okay?” Emma asked. Concern spread across her face as she approached me.
“Yeah, I just needed some air. It gets claustrophobic being inside all day.”
I set my water on the table, then pulled out the chair and sat down. Walker leaned on the wall and crossed his arms over his chest while Emma sat down with me.
“Did it help?” Emma asked.
I bit my lip as she leaned across the table. I knew she was trying to see if she could smell alcohol on me. I couldn’t really blame her. I’d literally run right to the liquor store when Joss had left.
“You were gone for more than an hour,” she said. “I was starting to worry.”
“No, I—I ended up at a dojo,” I said. My eyebrows knitted together as the words left my mouth. “I’m not sure how, but I did.”
“A daja what?” Emma asked.
“Dojo,” Walker said as he approached the table. “It’s where they practice and teach martial arts.”
I nodded in agreement. “I’m going to a class tomorrow night for beginners. Maybe this will help me feel safe. I don’t know, but it can’t hurt to just go to one class I guess.”
“Anything that helps you get better has my full support,” Emma said and sighed. “Just, next time you go, can you let us know? We thought . . . we were worried you weren’t coming back.”
I glanced at her and Walker. For a moment, my heart ached for what this must be like for them. “Yeah. I can do that,” I said.
“So, everyone’s okay?” Walker asked.
I peered up at him. “Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry,” I muttered.
“Alright, I’ll see everyone tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Walker. Have a good night,” Emma said.
The door closed softly behind him.
“You had us scared,” she said.
“I really didn’t mean to. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. I walked Joss to her car, and then I realized I hadn’t even been outside for a while. That’s nuts. When did I become someone who doesn’t even . . .” I shook my head as I struggled for the words to sum up what I’d become. A broken, angry, suicidal someone.
A pang of fear shot through me as I realized that I really had died in that fire. Walker might have carried my body out that day, but I’d left everything else behind, and it had burned to the ground.
“Joss told me there’s more than what I’m going through. There’s a bigger picture,” I muttered.
“She did?” Emma asked as her eyes widened.
“Yeah. I don’t think she was trying to be rude or anything. She just reminded me that I’m not the only woman to go through this. Emma, I survived and I—I don’t even know what to do with that,” I said as my voice cracked with emotion.
Emma stayed still and quiet.
“I don’t know how to talk to you anymore,” I continued. “I don’t know what I feel. I mean, one minute I’m so angry that I think it’s going to rip me apart from the inside out. The next minute, I’m trying to figure out how to kill myself, and the next, I see flashes of myself lying on the floor with blood-soaked jeans and the house on fire. Xander laughed. He laughed. How fucked up is that? I don’t know what to do anymore or how to go on. I don’t want to be sitting in front of you so screwed up. But tonight, when Joss said that to me, and then I watched that karate class, I wondered for a tiny second if I could come back from this.”
I buried my face in my hands and let the tears flow. I cried for my baby, I cried for the Lacey that was still bound and left in the fire, and I cried for the part of me that had survived.
“Lacey, I don’t know how, but if anyone can come back from this, it’s you. You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. If you think this karate class will help you, go. I’ll drive you and pick you up if you need me to.”
“I can walk, but thank you,” I muttered.
“I just want you to know that you have our love and support. We just want to help you through this until you can love yourself again.”
I lifted my head and accepted the tissue she held out to me. I wiped at the string of snot that was swinging from my nose and laughed. I glanced up at Emma, her eyes widening as a slow smile spread across her face.
“Did you just laugh?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said and laughed again. “Did you see that huge string of snot swinging from my nose?” I giggled.
“Yeah!” Emma said and laughed. “It was this long,” she said, holding her hands apart a good two feet.
“No, it wasn’t that long, maybe more like this,” I said, closing the distance between her hands by six inches. “Hell, Tarzan could’ve swung off that one,” I said through my giggles.
“Oh my God! You’re making me cry!” Emma said as she wiped her cheeks, still laughing.
“I’m so glad Walker didn’t see that,” I said, scrunching up my nose.
“Yeah, not sure he’d let you live that one down, no matter what you were going through.”
Our giggles carried through the apartment. I’d forgotten what it was like to laugh so hard you cried. I’d forgotten how to laugh at all. And leave it to a string of snot to bring a flicker of life back into me.
“I’m starving. We should order some pizza,” Emma said.
“That sounds really good. I think I could eat an entire one all by myself.”
Emma stopped and looked at me. “I’d love to see that,” she said. “Maybe we should order extra for Walker tomorrow.”
“Oh,” I said.
“What? Did I say something wrong?” she asked.
“No, just that Walker will be back tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like him here, which I’m still a little confused about, but until you’re doing better, you’re going to have company. Deal with it.”
“I don’t get it, though. Why is he here? I mean, I know you guys are afraid I’ll hurt myself, but why him?”
Emma leaned back in her chair and searched my face. “You really don’t know?” she asked.
“No, I don’t get it. I—he’s the last person I would expect to be here every day. We have a past, Emma, and if you remember, it ended badly. And every day that he comes here, it reminds me of all the bad shit that happened with him and Xander. I still haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around that. It’s like I’m in a fog and I’m watching so
meone else’s life on TV. I don’t even think it’s sunk in that Walker is actually here. I know that sounds stupid, but I don’t know what else to say.”
“You don’t have to figure out everything tonight. It’s going to take time. You had so much happen so quickly. We studied in class how traumatic events can cause something called PTSD. It stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. You’re describing it well. Have you considered going to a counselor?”
“Yeah, but I don’t have any money, and the only one I know is Walker’s aunt. Talk about awkward.”
“Mmm, yeah, not sure she’d be the best one to talk to. I can see if the hospital is connected with counselors who do pro bono work or use a sliding scale if you want me to. I’ll even go with you if you need me there.”
“Really? You’d go to counseling with me?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t I?”
“Why would you?” I asked as my eyebrows rose.
“Because that’s what family does for each other,” Emma replied.
I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I’m asking. Now, what kind of pizza do you want?”
“Supreme, thick crust, extra cheese,” I said. “I’m starving!”
Emma ordered the pizza, and we turned on the TV. She flipped through the channels until she found Roseanne. The pizza arrived forty minutes later, and I ate three pieces. My tummy ached a little with all the food I’d eaten, and I leaned back into the sofa and yawned. My eyelids fluttered closed, and I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 10
I heard the front door open and a murmur of voices floating across the room. I squeezed my eyes closed, snuggled farther into the couch, and drifted off to sleep again.
* * *
My eyes squinted against the sunlight, and I raised my hand to guard them as my vision adjusted. I sat up slowly, my head pounding, but this time it was from crying, not a hangover.
I started to stretch and froze midair. Walker sat at the end of the couch holding a book. He smiled as he placed it on the corner table near the phone.
“Oh shit,” I muttered. “You’re back.”
“Yeah, I’m here. How are you doing? I thought you were going to sleep all day.”
“What time is it?” I asked while attempting to smooth my crazy hair.
“One o’clock.”
“In the afternoon?”
Walker nodded as it dawned on me that I’d slept the day away. When had my hours gotten so weird? My face fell as I remembered staying up all night waiting for Xander and sleeping during the day.
“You okay?” Walker leaned forward.
“Yeah,” I said and tossed the blanket off me. I entered the kitchen and grabbed what was left in the coffee pot. I warmed it up in the microwave and shot Walker a look as he watched me.
“I’m fine, don’t stare. I’m just really tired. I don’t know if it was the crying or all the pizza.”
“Crying?” he asked as he stood up and stepped toward me.
“I’m surprised Emma didn’t tell you. You two are pretty tight these days,” I said. I cocked my eyebrow at him. The bite in my voice stopped him in his steps. “I need to shower.”
I turned and walked down the hallway, leaving Walker standing alone in the living room.
* * *
My hand shook as I opened the door of the dojo and stepped inside at five minutes to six. Several people stood by the tables in the small, carpeted waiting area. I suspected they weren’t any more sure about what to do than I was. I chewed my lip as I stood there waiting for Jared to show up.
I glanced around the room as a few more people filed in. They were mostly men; there was only one other female. She looked a little older than me. I eyed the exit as my heart thumped against my chest. I couldn’t do this. I stepped around the chairs and pushed the door open.
“Hey, you’re here,” Jared said as he walked into the dojo before I could leave. “Thanks for getting the door,” he said as a warm smile spread across his face.
Shit. I couldn’t leave now. I followed him onto the wood floor with the rest of the group. I chose a spot in the back of the room and focused on Jared at the front.
“Welcome, everyone,” he said as he clapped his hands together. “This is the free class offered to see if it’s the right place for you. We’re going to start off with some simple stretches, so everyone spread out and find a comfortable place on the floor.”
I bent over with everyone else and touched the floor. I was sure my body would creak and moan like a seventy-year-old’s.
I followed Jared’s lead as the group stretched, and my eyes wandered across the people in the room. Finally, I spotted the other girl at the front.
I stared at the heavyset man standing next to me. I guessed he was in his mid-thirties. Two more guys were in front of me. My heart thudded against my chest and a knot began to tighten in my stomach. My vision clouded as images of Agnus pinning me against the house intruded my thoughts.
I reached out and balanced myself against the wall, staring at the floor. A muffled cry escaped me as I attempted a deep breath. I glanced up as one of the guys in front of me turned and stared. My cheeks flushed as I bent over at the waist and dug my fingernails into my leg. Maybe it would jolt me enough to give my brain something else to think about.
“Face the front, please. Tiffany, can you take over?” Jared asked.
I hadn’t realized he was standing in front of me until he gently touched my shoulder. I flinched and attempted a step backward, but my legs rebelled. I stood rooted to the floor, my legs trembling and threatening to buckle.
“Look at me, Lacey,” he said in a hushed tone.
I peered up at him.
“I want you to keep eye contact with me, okay?”
I nodded as I focused on his hazel eyes, but they weren’t his, they were Xander’s. I closed mine tightly and attempted to clear Xander’s sneer from my mind.
“Look at me and take a deep breath.”
I pried them open again and settled my gaze on his jawline. His jaw didn’t remind me of anyone else, so I stuck with it.
“Feel your feet on the floor. I want you to wiggle your toes.”
I did as he asked, hoping it would work. I was sure I was only seconds away from passing out in front of him and the rest of the class. What the hell had I been thinking coming here?
“I want you to imagine that you’re connecting with a white light deep in the earth. Let it flow up into your feet, your legs, your stomach, chest, and out through the top of your head. Are you doing that?”
“Yeah,” I choked out a few seconds later.
“Take another deep breath and envision the white light splashing down on you, over your head, and down your body. It’s warm and gentle.”
I sucked in more air as I listened to Jared’s deep, soothing voice.
“Good. Your shoulders are relaxing, and your breathing is more steady.”
I glanced up at him and nodded.
“Thank you,” I said, my voice hovering above a whisper.
“Let’s have you watch tonight, okay?” he said as he gently touched my shoulder. “I’ll take you to the best seat in the house.” He guided me off the floor of the dojo and to one of the small tables in the waiting area directly behind the class.
“You can watch in the mirrors. Even when you’re on the floor, you can see me at all times, and I can see you too.”
I crumpled into the chair. My body still refused to stop shaking as I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to gain control. I needed to leave before I lost it again.
I’d been holed up in the apartment for so long I had no idea how being around a group of guys would affect me. My chin quivered as I watched the class. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t be surrounded by people who towered over me. The memories were too fresh.
Although my legs were still wobbly, I crept to the back of the room, located my shoes, and slipped my Nikes back on. I’d hoped to disappear out the door undete
cted, but the class had ended, and Jared walked toward me.
“Hey, are you alright?” he asked.
“Yeah.” My cheeks flamed red. “Sorry about that. I’m not sure what happened,” I said and attempted a smile.
“No worries. Don’t leave yet, though. Give me five minutes?”
“I really need to go,” I stammered.
“Please, just give me five. I promise I’ll be quick.”
My eyebrows knitted together. Why did he want me to stay? What did he want from me? Had I thought he was a good guy when he was really another Xander?
Fear gnawed at my stomach as I nodded in agreement. I watched him turn toward some students, and then I slipped out the front door. I looked both ways in the parking lot, and then broke into a run as fast as I could. My feet pounded against the sidewalk as the stream of cars sped by me. I dashed across the lawn, rounded the corner of our apartment building, and ran up the stairs. My body slammed against the front door as I turned the knob and burst into the living room.
“Shit!” Walker said as he jumped off the couch.
I collapsed onto the floor, trembling.
“Lace, are you okay?” Walker asked as he reached me. “Lacey?”
Black dots danced across my vision as I struggled to hold on to Walker’s voice. His strong arms pulled me toward him, and I settled against his chest as the whimpers escaped me.
“It’s okay. I’m here,” he said softly as he rocked me. “You’re safe. No one can hurt you,” he whispered in my ear.
After a long pause, I caught my breath enough to hear his heartbeat over mine and focused on the steady rhythm. The rise and fall of his chest calmed my nerves as I let him hold me. I clutched at his shirt as the tears began to fall. He tightened his arms around me as he rested his cheek on the top of my head. He didn’t say anything else as he rocked me.
After a while, I wasn’t sure how long we’d been sitting on the floor, but my head throbbed and my tears had finally dried up. Walker hadn’t made any attempt to move, so I allowed myself to feel the warmth of his body and the safety of his arms.