by J. A. Owenby
“No, not everything. He knows you went to Oregon and it didn’t work out. I just said you’d been in an accident, a house fire, but nothing else. He wanted to come home right then, but he obviously couldn’t.”
“Do you think you can bring him home?” I asked as I clutched the pillow to my chest.
“I’m going to do everything in my power,” he said and paused. “I didn’t just leave you again, Lace.”
“But it seemed like you did! I mean, you were here every day for, I don’t know, weeks! You can’t just keep waltzing in and out of my life like that. It’s not okay.”
“I really didn’t think you cared. Shit, you told me every day what a pain in your ass I was. I figured you’d be happy when I left.”
“I thought you left because I screamed at you outside the liquor store,” I murmured. “I was so pissed at you.”
“Yeah you were pretty mad, but I’d do it again. I’ve been in the military for a while now. Yelling doesn’t faze me anymore.”
“That’s why you could just ignore me when you were watching TV?”
“Pretty much. The military isn’t for sensitive people, that’s for damn sure. You either toughen up or they ship your ass home.”
“I hadn’t thought about that.”
“You had enough to deal with. And this is our first real conversation since I stopped by that day to tell you Xander was in prison, and that one only lasted for a few minutes.”
I cringed at the memory. He was right, though. I’d been so angry after he saved me that I never bothered asking him about the last two years.
“I don’t want to talk about anything in Oregon,” I snapped.
“I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to know what to say to you anymore.”
“Might help if you stuck around for a change, huh?”
Walker rubbed his face and sighed. “Is there any coffee left? I had a long drive from Missouri last night.”
“Help yourself,” I said. I picked mine up off the table and took another sip.
Walker went to the kitchen and pulled out the empty pot.
“There’s none left, do you care if I make more?”
I stood up and joined him in the kitchen, grabbing the can of Folgers from the cabinet. “Not even sure why you bothered asking. You never did when you were here before.”
“I know you’re pissed at me, Lace.”
“I’ve been pissed at you for two years. You have no idea, do you?” I asked and shook my head.
Anger bubbled up inside me at the thought of him showing up at the mall with Brittany. He’d never bothered to find out why I hadn’t visited him in Texas or what had happened. He just took James and Brittany’s word for it. The kitchen suddenly closed in on me. I squeezed past him and took a step toward the living room.
“What happened to us, Lace?” he asked softly.
I stopped mid-step and whirled on my heel. Coffee sloshed out of my mug and onto the beige carpet.
“What happened to us?” I asked, my voice rising an octave. “What happened? You. Married. Brittany! That’s what happened. You and me? You ruined us,” I yelled.
“I know!” he said as he set the coffee can down on the counter harder than he should have.
“No! You obviously have no fucking clue if you’re still asking me what happened to us,” I spat. My cheeks burned bright red. Before I realized it, I had hurled my coffee mug straight at his head.
“Shit! Lacey, stop!”
“No, I won’t stop,” I said as I grabbed a plastic cup off the kitchen table. I threw it at him and it bounced off his chest. I reached for the glass next and hurled it at him. He ducked as it shattered against the kitchen cabinet.
“Lacey, dammit! Stop!” he yelled as he brought his arms up to protect his head.
“What happened? I’ll fucking tell you!” I screamed as I grabbed another glass from the table, ready to throw it at him.
“He killed himself right in front of me, Lacey!”
I held the last glass in my hand, ready to throw. My chest heaved as my brain tried to understand what he’d just said.
“What?” I asked, my voice raspy from yelling. “What are you talking about?”
Walker peered through his arms and then slowly lowered them.
“Two days before you were going to come down to visit, one of the guys I was in boot camp with . . . he fucking shot himself in front of me. He blew his brains out, and I ended up wearing them.” The color drained from his face as the words left his mouth.
“Holy shit,” I whispered as I set the glass down. “Oh my God.” I shook my head as I began to grasp what had happened.
“I was completely fucked up, so when you didn’t show, I . . . James said you’d kissed him, and I couldn’t think straight. And Mom . . . my heart broke. Anything I had left inside me after Jeffrey committed suicide broke when I saw her. I screwed everything up by leaving. I wasted the last few months I had with Mom, you left me, and Brittany was just there at the right time.” His shoulders sagged with the weight of his words.
“I never kissed James,” I said, still standing motionless. “I never kissed him, Walker. He kissed me, right after you proposed.”
“I know,” he said and sighed. “I overheard Brittany and him laughing about it later. I’m so sorry.”
Walker glanced down at the floor covered with broken glass, and then his gaze returned to my face. “I’d like to come out of the kitchen without you throwing anything else at me.”
I sank to the edge of the carpeted floor as I stared at nothing in particular.
“Can I?” he asked.
I nodded, and he sat down next to me. I turned to look at him. Pain flickered across his face as our eyes met.
“I’m trying to piece it all together,” I said. “I—I don’t know what to say. I had no idea that happened.”
“I lost my shit after the suicide,” Walker said. “They’d talked to us about combat, but you never think someone you know would shoot himself on purpose.”
“What happened?” I asked. My gaze grew more intense as he continued.
“The first day of boot camp Jeffrey and I started chatting. Come to find out I went to school with his younger brother. Everything was so different, and we had no clue of what to expect while we were there. It was nice to connect with someone from back home. We became instant friends. One day we were on the range during M16 training. Jeffrey was standing next to me. I was focused on my own weapon and wasn’t paying attention to what was going on. Apparently, he turned the gun on himself and pulled the trigger. The next thing I know, I’m looking at a hole in the back of his head with his blood all over my face and clothes. I just stood there. The staff and the tech sergeant came running toward him. I don’t even remember what happened after that. It’s all a blur.”
He sighed as he ran his hands over his face.
“I was on my way,” I said, my voice thick with emotion.
“You were?”
“I was about to leave my house and meet your mom and Garrett. Mama had found out we were serious and . . . she drugged me.”
“What the hell?” Walker asked as his mouth dropped open.
I nodded. “She drugged my food,” I said as I stared at the floor. “She cooked dinner and said I should eat before the trip. I didn’t think anything of it. But before I could even finish my food, it hit me. I fell out of my chair and collapsed on the floor like a rock. She kept me drugged up for days in her bedroom. I’m not even sure how I had the clarity of mind to figure it out, but I finally stopped drinking the water she was bringing me. I was a wreck when I realized what she’d done, and that I’d missed the trip to see you.”
“My God, Lacey. No one told me.”
“No one knew except Emma, and I swore her to secrecy. But for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why you showed up with Brittany and never asked me what happened. You just accused me of cheating on you. I never cheated on you, ever. I loved you. You were my everything. My heart fucking br
oke,” I said as the tears spilled down my cheeks. I wiped them away and looked up at him. His blue eyes glistened as he held my gaze. “I never knew about Jeffrey, but that explains why you were so different, so angry. The Walker I knew would’ve come searching for me. You wouldn’t have let me go that easy.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he reached for my hand. This time, I let him take it. “I never stopped loving you, Lace. It took me a while to come out of the brain fog from Jeffrey and then losing Mom. I was so pissed at myself for leaving. I know it was my fault that I lost you.”
“Maybe not,” I said as I rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand. “I don’t know anyone who could go through what you did and not make some shitty decisions.”
Walker tilted my chin up toward him. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I understand, and I don’t—”
“Wait. Please be very careful with what you say next,” Walker said, interrupting me. “I’m still so in love with you I can’t fucking see straight. Don’t give me hope and then take it away. I don’t think I could deal with it.”
I nodded. I understood what he was saying. “I’m not ready. I need to heal and be able to stand on my own two feet, Walker. I don’t have anything to offer you or anyone else while I’m such a mess. But I forgive you. I forgive you for letting me go, and I forgive you for marrying Brittany. You went through hell and back, and I don’t think I would’ve done much better. Hell, I didn’t.” I sighed and wiped the tears away again. “I ran from Mama and right into the arms of a monster who tried to kill me,” I hiccupped.
Walker reached around me and pulled me into his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck as the tears flowed.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there,” he said as he threaded his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head. “That’s why I couldn’t leave you again. I knew I’d screwed up and lost you the first time. It didn’t matter what you said or how rude you were after the fire. I swore I’d do everything in my power to make it right. You wouldn’t have been there if . . .” his voice trailed off as his arms tightened around me. “If I’d never left you in the first place.”
We sat in silence for a while. My tears slowed, and Walker’s breathing became normal again. My heart ached about Jeffrey and Susan. I squeezed my eyes shut as the tears threatened to come back. I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked up at him.
“I was at the funeral. I hid in the back,” I said and attempted a smile. “I had to say goodbye to Susan and tell her I’d tried to show up for the trip. I couldn’t stand the thought of her thinking I hadn’t shown. Dammit,” I said as the tears trickled down my cheek again.
“I never saw you.”
“I saw you. You were so different, and Brittany was hanging all over you. You were just . . . cold. I didn’t understand at the time, but I do now. You were in shock.”
Walker nodded.
“Anyway, I waited until everyone had left and then I snuck up to see her before they closed the casket. Garrett caught me. I thought he was going to tell you, but he just wanted to see me. We hurried to my car so no one would catch us. He told me he had to move to Missouri. Then he asked me why I didn’t show up. I couldn’t tell him my crazy mother drugged me, so I just said I’d been on my way and something had happened with Mama. He believed me, so I left it at that. He didn’t need to know the details.”
“You did the right thing,” he said as he tucked a piece of stray hair behind my ear. “You still have the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen.”
I smiled at him as I wiped away my tears.
“I’m glad you were able to say bye to Mom,” he continued. “She loved you, Lace. She was so pissed at me about Brittany. She did everything she could to get me to see reason, but she didn’t have a lot of strength left.”
“I loved her too,” I whispered. “You guys were my family.”
“I’m sorry I took that away from you,” he said as he leaned his forehead against mine.
I squeezed his hand. “At least I understand what happened now. We were both in the middle of hell, doing the best we could.”
“I just want you to be okay. These last few months have been a nightmare. I didn’t know what to do for you other than talk to the police about Xander. Helping put him in prison was the best thing I could think of. The idea of you facing him again . . . I couldn’t stand the thought of it.”
“Thank you. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, though.”
“Take your time. I don’t plan on going anywhere.”
I wondered if he meant it this time. I sighed and looked at the kitchen floor with the shattered glass and coffee cup.
“I don’t want to be like her.”
“Like who?”
“Mama. She’d get so angry so fast. I’ve never thrown anything at anyone in my life! Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” I said as my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
“You’ve had a lot going on.”
“No,” I said and shook my head. “There’s no excuse. I can’t justify it. I’ll just start down the same path as her. I refuse to do that.”
“Karate should help channel your anger. I know what you’re going through. My moods and temper were all over the place after Jeffrey and Mom died. I was sad one minute and pissed off the next. No one even had to do anything. Physical activity and the military kept me focused and probably saved my ass. Once I got out of the slump, I filed for a divorce.”
“I bet she loved that.”
“She lied and told me she was pregnant. She knew I wouldn’t leave her and a baby.”
“Bitch,” I muttered.
“You have no idea,” Walker said and sighed. “Anyway, I found out she lied and filed the next day. Everything was final before I ever left to find you in Oregon.”
“Why did you go to Oregon?”
Walker paused and took a breath.
“I know you’re not ready to hear this, and I’m not expecting anything from you when I explain. But there wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t think about you. I never stopped loving you, Lacey. When I realized how badly I’d screwed everything up, I needed to make it right. I went to Oregon to see if we could have the conversation we’re having right now. To see if there was any chance that you could forgive me and we might be able to fix things. I missed us. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I stared at him, unable to find words.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he said. “I just wanted to answer your question.”
“Thank you,” I muttered.
A calm silence filled the air as we both processed what had just been said. Everything had changed in one afternoon.
“I need to clean up the kitchen floor,” I said.
“I can help,” he said.
“No, I made the mess. I’ll clean it up.”
I looked at him and allowed myself to get lost in his blue eyes for a moment. I’d missed him more than I’d ever wanted to admit to anyone, even when I was acting like a bitch. I leaned in and lightly kissed his cheek before I stood up and cleaned the kitchen.
Chapter 19
Walker went outside while I swept up all the glass and mopped the kitchen floor. I was glad he did. I needed a few minutes to think after our conversation. Maybe he did too.
“How’s it going?” Walker asked as he came back inside. He appeared a little more settled. I hoped everything I’d told him about Mama helped him understand what had really happened between us.
“It’s almost two in the afternoon. What the hell happened to the day?” he asked.
“Time warp,” I said as I put the broom and dustpan away. “But I haven’t eaten anything, and I would love some sweet and sour chicken.” I grinned and wiggled my eyebrows at him.
A warm smile spread across his face and reached his blue eyes. “I’ve missed your smile,” he said.
“Yeah? Me too. I’ve missed having something to smile about.”
“You seem to be doing a little better than before I left.”
“That’s probably because of Jared.”
Walker’s jaw tightened as the words left my mouth. “Who’s Jared?”
“You’ve met Jared, sort of. He’s the guy that asked me if everything was okay the day you told the cashier I was under twenty-one. He’s my sensei, and my boss.”
Walker released a visible sigh. I chewed my lip so I wouldn’t blurt out that he’d also kissed me.
“You’re working?” he asked.
“Yeah, at the dojo. I even help teach the kids’ class. Who would’ve thought, huh?”
“Who would’ve thought,” he said as his eyes searched my face.
“I’m there Monday through Friday for most of the day. I take care of the paperwork, payments, keep things clean, and then I train off and on throughout the day. Tiffany, his sister, is there sometimes too. We’re becoming friends.”
Walker nodded, and an awkward silence fell between us. My stomach growled and broke the tension.
“Is everything cleaned up?” Walker asked.
“All done,” I said as I washed my hands at the kitchen sink.
“Let’s go grab some Chinese food then.”
“Really? Let me grab my wallet.”
“I’ve got it. Let me take you to lunch. We finally got some things settled between us, and it would be nice to get you out of the apartment for a little while.”
“Okay. I’m good with that,” I said.
I locked the door and followed him outside. We reached a dark-blue Toyota Corolla. He unlocked the passenger door and held it open for me.
“Thanks,” I said as I slid into the seat. “Is this your car?”
“Yup. I haven’t had her long. It was a gift to myself for the divorce.” He got in and chuckled as he slipped his sunglasses on.
I paused for a moment. I’d forgotten how good he looked in sunglasses.
“It’s really nice,” I said. “What did you do with your Nissan?”