by J. A. Owenby
“You okay?” he asked as his eyebrows knitted together.
“Yeah, I was just thinking. It’s nothing,” I said as I got out of the car and helped him unpack the trunk.
“Holy shit. This is the exact spot, isn’t it?” I asked as I glanced around. “You remembered? This lake is huge.”
“It’s impossible to forget,” he said as he shook out the blanket and laid it on the ground. “I fell in love with you that day.”
My cheeks flushed at his words.
“Hand me the drinks?” He motioned to the brown paper bag full of food and soda.
“Here,” I said as I passed the soda to him, relieved that he hadn’t said anything else. Walker was ahead of me on processing his emotions. He knew he still loved me. I was just confused. Some days I didn’t know my ass from a hole in the ground, and I was usually riding a crazy roller coaster of emotions.
We sat on the blanket as Walker unpacked the rest of the food.
“This looks good,” I said, eyeing the sandwiches. “I guess I’m hungry.”
“You still don’t eat a lot. I mean, you killed the Chinese food, but I don’t see you eat much.”
“I’ve put some weight back on, though, and I eat regularly now. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep through the night again soon,” I said as I took a bite of the watermelon he’d cut up.
“Nightmares?”
I nodded as I chewed. “Sometimes they start the second I close my eyes. Or it seems like they do.”
“What happens in your dreams?”
I paused for a moment and wiped the watermelon juice from my mouth with a napkin. Was I ready to talk about it? Would it make things better or worse?
“Sometimes it’s the fire, sometimes it’s Xander, and sometimes it’s Mama. I guess I’ve had a lot of nightmares in my life,” I said.
“When’s the last time you saw your mom?”
I speared another piece of watermelon with my fork and took a bite.
“At the hospital, right after you were arrested. But she came to Eugene last fall, too.”
“What?” Walker asked as his back stiffened. “Why?”
“To free me from the demons,” I said and attempted a smile. “She showed up at my dorm and threatened to drug me again if I didn’t cooperate. I fought her, but she was too strong. She pulled me right down the damned hall and into the elevator.”
“Weren’t people around to help you?”
“Not really. Everyone had left for the Christmas break. A few people stayed, but it was pretty quiet. Right before she shoved me into her car, Xander showed up. He was taking me out on our first date.”
Walker’s jaw tightened, but he remained quiet.
“He stopped her. Xander was my knight in shining armor. He kept me safe,” I said and put my fork down. “By the time I realized he wasn’t safe, it was too late. I’m not even sure how it all happened, but before I knew it, I depended on him for everything. He was my ride to school, he provided my food, and he kept a roof over my head. I’d allowed him to completely alienate me. I hardly saw my friends at school—he’d walk me to and from class every day and tell me he was protecting me from Mama. And he was—that was the shittiest thing about it. He was so logical about everything that I couldn’t see through his BS. He partied and screwed around on me. There were drugs. Hell, I did drugs, Walker. I put cocaine right up my damned nose.”
I paused, looking down at the blanket. “I’d lost myself, and when I was ready to leave, I found out . . . I found out I was pregnant,” I whispered.
“I’m so sorry,” he said as he removed his sunglasses. Sadness flashed across his bright-blue eyes. “They told me you’d lost the baby when I arrived at the hospital. They screwed up and thought I was the father.”
Tears pooled in my eyes as I struggled to gain control of my emotions. “I barely even remember seeing you at the hospital. I knew you were there, but everything was so hazy. My eyes burned, and I hurt so bad from him beating me.”
Walker scooted toward me and took my hand. His fingers intertwined with mine as I continued. “He’d hit me before, but the evening you found me, that was the worst. He came unhinged about the baby and snapped. I’m pretty sure he had a short walk to crazy anyway. It was there all the time, I just didn’t see it. He got the duct tape and dragged me by the hair up the stairs and into his bedroom. He was so strong. I gave it everything I could, but he overpowered me so easily,” I said as I shook my head. “After he taped my hands and ankles, he kicked me in the stomach over and over again. I figured I’d lost the baby after I saw all the blood.” My head throbbed as the words left my mouth.
I released Walker’s hand and jumped up. “Oh God.” My hands balled into fists as I remembered how hard I had fought to get free. My stomach churned as the nausea came up. “What happened to me? Shit! Shit! Shit!” I gasped for air as panic surged through me like an electric current. I covered my head with my arms.
“Lace, it’s okay,” he said as he stood up.
“No! No! Don’t you get it? I’m not okay,” I sobbed.
He reached for me, and I snapped my arm away from him. “Don’t touch me. Please just don’t,” I said as my body trembled and the tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Alright. What do you need me to do?”
“Just listen. Don’t touch me, just let me talk. I have to do this.”
Walker shoved his hands into his pockets. I took a breath and made myself feel my feet on the ground. I wasn’t in Oregon. I was with Walker, safe and alive. I needed to tell him the rest.
“After he kicked me in the stomach, he left the room and came back with the gas can. He poured it all over the curtains and floor. I almost gagged from the stench. I was already dizzy from losing blood, but I hung on. And do you know what that bastard did next? He decided that before he set the house on fire, he’d do one last line of cocaine with me. You know, for old time’s sake,” I said sarcastically. “I was on the floor, scrambling for any way to get free. He finally removed the tape from my mouth and let me talk. That’s where he screwed up and got too close. I bit his nose, and then I headbutted him as hard as I could. I almost knocked myself out. I did manage to knock him out, though. Somehow, I got to the phone and dialed 911 with my nose. Thank God for push buttons,” I said. “That’s how I called for help.”
A moment of silence hovered between us.
Walker kicked at the ground with his tennis shoe. “You were in bad shape when I got to you, but I didn’t know how bad it was. You thought I was your mom. At the time, I didn’t care who you thought I was. I was just trying to make sure you didn’t die.”
I wrapped my arms around myself and willed my body to calm down. I reached down for my soda and took a drink. After a minute, my stomach settled.
“He’s everywhere I look,” I whispered. “I’m terrified he’s going to come after me.”
“He can’t.”
“For now,” I said. “That’s why I have to be able to train. I know you don’t like hearing Jared’s name, but he’s teaching me to protect myself. Not just from Xander, but from Mama too. I’m so tired of being scared all the time.”
“I get it. I can take care of you when we’re together, but I can’t always be there.”
“I know. But part of my problem is that I’ve let everyone else take care of me.”
I turned away from him and stared out over the lake. Dragonflies danced across the water as the sun reflected off the water’s ripples.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out on you,” I said.
“There’s nothing to apologize for.”
I didn’t say anything as I sat back down on the blanket.
Walker leaned against the large oak tree as he glanced out at the lake. I suspected this wasn’t easy for him to hear, but he’d seen me at my worst. I figured he could handle the full story.
“You’re the first person I’ve told everything to,” I said.
“I’m glad it was me,” he said.
“Yo
u were there, and no matter what, that means I have a connection with you that I’ll never have with anyone else. You saw the house, me . . . you know how bad it was. No one else will understand it the way you do.”
Walker ran his hand through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. “You’re right. I saw you bloody and beaten. My heart stopped when I found you. There was a lot of blood, and I wasn’t even sure you were alive, but then I found your pulse. The fire was catching so quickly I wasn’t sure I could get us out. For a minute, I thought we were going to die together. Then I heard the sirens. I scooped you off the floor and into my arms. The rest is a blur. By the time we got outside I was coughing and could barely see. They grabbed you and loaded you into the ambulance. I tried to go with you, but they wouldn’t let me. It took three guys to hold me back,” he said.
“Really?” I asked.
“I almost lost my shit.”
“Well, you found your way to the hospital because you were there when I woke up.”
Walker nodded and shoved his hands back into his pockets.
“Mama showed up after you were arrested. I thanked her for saving me,” I said. “That’s how I found out I’d been hallucinating. I didn’t know it was you, but I found out later from Emma.”
“What happened with your mom?”
I reached for a pillow he’d packed and lay down on the blanket.
“Will you lie down with me?” I asked, patting the spot next to me.
“Yeah,” he said as he joined me.
We lay next to each other and stared at the blue sky for a minute without talking.
“She told me the fire was God’s punishment for getting pregnant out of wedlock.”
Walker sat up. “What the fuck?”
“Yup. That’s my Mama. At least that one didn’t make sense to me. I mean, I believed all the other shit she ever told me, but not that time.”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that.” He lay back down with only an inch between us.
A peaceful silence hung in the air for a few minutes.
“I’m tired,” I said. “I stay tired. I’m trying to sleep at night and stay busy during the day. I know I fall asleep because I wake up from the bad dreams,” I said and yawned. “I find that after I talk or cry about stuff, I’m drained afterward. It’s like it just sucks the life out of me.”
“I’m here with you if you want to go to sleep.”
I turned my head toward him. “You’d do that? You’d just let me sleep next to you for a little bit?”
“I love to watch you sleep,” he said. A warm smile spread across his face.
“That’s only because I drool,” I said and wrinkled my nose.
“You’re cute when you drool. But I’m serious, come here,” he said and patted his chest. I only hesitated for a minute before I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes. He wrapped his arm around me, and I drifted off to sleep to the sound of his heartbeat.
Chapter 22
The week passed by quickly. Jared didn’t say anything about the kiss, and neither did I. I did my job and trained like it never happened. I was relieved. I didn’t want to lose what we had.
“Hey,” Tiffany said as she entered the dojo.
“Hey,” I replied around the pencil in my mouth.
“I see he’s got you busy with paperwork,” she said, smiling. She pulled out a chair at the table and sat down.
I paused while I took the pencil out of my mouth. “Yeah, it’s a big mess, but don’t tell him I said that.”
“Oh, he knows. That’s why he pays you to do it.”
“Well, hopefully I’ll have everything straightened out soon and I can keep it that way,” I said.
“How’s everything else going? You seem to be getting a lot more comfortable in your training.”
“I know I’m safe with you guys. Once I realized that, I was able to focus, ya know?”
“I remember what that was like,” she said and paused briefly. “Well, Jared asked what I thought about you testing for your first belt.”
“What?” I asked as I dropped the pencil to the floor. “How? I mean, shit.” My eyes widened at my slip. “Sorry.”
“No worries,” Tiffany said and laughed.
“How does that work?”
“Well, we’re open to having a private test until you make some more progress. There are a few other sensei who would come over to the dojo, and you’d go through some moves for everyone. It’s low pressure, and Jared will prepare you. It’s up to you. We think you’re ready.”
“I am?” My eyes widened as I leaned back in my chair.
“You can invite a few friends if you want.”
“I can?”
Tiffany laughed as she stood up. “Just think about it and let us know in a day or two. Jared will work with you specifically for the test. You’ll be more than ready.”
“Wow, okay. I’ll let you or Jared know before I leave today.”
“Awesome! I’m excited for you. You’ve come a long way in such a short time. Before you know it, you’ll be kicking my ass.”
“Ha! I wouldn’t go that far,” I said and shook my head.
“I’ve got errands to run. Do you have the deposit for the bank ready?”
“I do. It’s in Jared’s office.”
“Perfect. See ya later,” she said as she hurried off.
I leaned back in my chair and stared at the dojo. It was nice that Jared and Tiffany thought I was ready, but was I? Would I freak out in front of people I’d never met? What happened if I failed? Butterflies stirred in my belly, but even then, I knew I had to test. I had to advance as quickly as I could.
I sighed and focused on the rest of the paperwork. I’d tell Jared yes when we trained this afternoon.
* * *
“Hey, I haven’t seen you all day,” I said to Jared as he walked down the stairs into the dojo. “I guess I’ve been busy working while you’ve been teaching.”
“Some days are just really busy. I had an appointment with some parents who wanted to see the dojo and grill me with questions for their six-year-old. I’m pretty sure we’ll have a new student in the kids’ class,” Jared said.
“Is he cute?”
“Are kids ugly at that age?”
“Ummm, yes, just don’t tell their parents,” I said and scrunched up my nose.
Jared’s laugh echoed through the dojo. “You ready? I wanted to show you a takedown.”
“I get to take you down?” I asked, surprised.
“By the end of our training you’ll be tossing me on the floor like a ragdoll,” he said as a crooked smile spread across his face.
“We’ll see about that, but let’s do it.”
Jared showed me the moves, and I stepped through them on my own as I watched him.
“Okay, so after you bring your opponent down, you’re going to pin them to the floor. You have to be precise with this or they can knock you off them, and you’ll be the one pinned to the floor.”
I frowned, trying to visualize what he meant.
“Let’s walk through it. I’ll guide you.”
We grabbed the mats and lined them up on the floor. Then, I stepped into him and took him down.
“Oh!” I squealed, surprised I’d put him on the floor. “Are you okay?”
“Lacey,” Jared said as he laughed. “I’m fine. We need to try it again, but don’t be surprised because you can do it.”
“I just wasn’t expecting it. I’ve never thrown anyone on the floor before.”
“It won’t be your last if you continue to train,” he said, smiling.
“Okay, let’s do it again.”
This time I followed the move all the way through without squealing. I brought my knee down gently into his chest.
“Here, you’re not in the right spot. Watch what happens.”
In one move Jared rolled me over and pinned me underneath him on the mat.
My eyes widened as his body pressed against me, and for a brief moment, his haz
el eyes softened.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
“You just caught me off guard is all.”
Jared stood up and held his hand out. I reached for him as he helped me off the floor. I brushed my clothes off and took a few steps around the dojo. What had just happened? If we’d stayed there any longer, I wasn’t sure Jared wouldn’t have kissed me again, and he was sober. I bit my lip and shook it off.
“Alright, thanks for giving me a minute,” I said. “How do I fix it?”
Jared grinned. “Take me down again, but this time put some force into it. I’m going to resist, so you’ll need to work for it. When you pin me, I’ll show you how to not make the mistake again.”
I nodded and stepped into him before he was ready. I took him down and pinned him.
“Good!” Jared said and laughed. “Now you’re really close, but move your knee here.” He took my knee and nudged it up into the center of his chest. “And it’s your other leg that needs to be strong.” He patted my calf, and I repositioned that leg. “There, now you’ve got it.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I got up.
“Again,” Jared said as he stood up.
I threw Jared on the floor for the rest of our training session. He resisted more and more each time, and I had to work harder for it. By the time we were finished, we were both hot and sweaty.
“You did great today. Your technique is really improving, and you're moving from your core more often. It will feel more natural over time.”
I nodded as I walked over and grabbed my towel. I wiped the sweat from my face as I smiled. “That felt pretty awesome. So if a guy who was about six two and two hundred pounds came at me, do you think I could take him down like that?”
Jared’s expression grew serious. “Yes. I have no doubt.”
“That works for me. Thanks.”
“Did T talk to you about testing?” he asked. “You’re ready. You’re past ready, actually, but I wanted you to start building some confidence before I put you in front of strangers.”