Jonathan's Hope

by Hirschi, Hans M.

  Once they got there, he poured Jonathan a glass of water. “Baby, why didn’t you say something when you noticed him? We could’ve left before he saw you. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I’m the one that talked you into coming here...” Dan took Jonathan in his arms, holding his head tight against his shoulder. Jonathan was still in tears, crying calmly, as if he’d just been tossed out into the forest all over again. The look of complete and utter despair in his face and body language was heartbreaking.

  “Honey, please, you’re safe here. Nothing is going to happen. You’ve done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be afraid of. Nobody is going to hurt you, not your father, not Mr. Kendall!” That’s when he heard the first sound from Jonathan’s lips. “Mom!” And Dan understood, or at least started to understand what emotional turmoil Kendall’s words had unleashed. Jonathan’s mother was dead? The reporter in Dan was curious, and he knew exactly what to do to find answers for Jonathan if he needed any, but right then all he could do was hold him, comfort him.

  Jonathan had just lost his mother, and no matter what she had done to him, and no matter what she had not done to him, he still loved her. And now he was utterly devastated. There wasn’t much Dan could do besides hold his lover. Eventually, he got up and fetched one of his sleeping pills from his toiletry bag and gave it to Jonathan. “Here, take this. It’ll help you sleep tonight. I promise you, in the morning, things will look just a little bit different, okay?”

  Jonathan swallowed the pill and drank some water. Dan led him to the bedroom where he helped Jon out of his new shoes, his new clothes and tucked him in. He’d had somewhat different plans for their first big night out, but for now, Jonathan’s well-being was paramount, making the New Year’s kiss he was sure to miss, feel insignificant. He lay down behind Jonathan, holding him tightly, stroking his hair gently, kissing his neck. Eventually, he could feel Jonathan’s body relax, he fell asleep, his breathing becoming regular. Slowly, the horror on his face was replaced by a more relaxed expression, the tears all dried up.

  Dan gave it another few minutes before he disentangled himself and exited the bedroom, wondering how to proceed. He really wanted to talk to Mr. Kendall. He needed to find out what had happened to Jonathan’s mother. Might as well take the bull by the horns, he thought. Although uncomfortable with leaving Jonathan alone in the room, he hoped the pill would provide him enough relaxation to not wake up until Dan was back. The journalist needed answers, and damn it, he was going to get them!

  Dan went back to the dining room, looking for Mr. Kendall. He found him at a small table at the opposite end of the room from where they had been sitting. He was in the company of a woman, who Dan assumed to be his wife. “Excuse me, Mr. Kendall, Mrs. Kendall?” He walked up to their table, the faint nod from Mrs. Kendall confirmed her identity. “I need to ask you a couple of questions, and I hope you won’t mind...” Dan began, unsure how to proceed. “You mentioned before that his mom has passed away? Sadly, this came as a shock to Jonathan, as he has not been in touch with his family for the past few weeks. May I inquire as to what happened?” Dan asked, somewhat satisfied that he had not lied, yet also didn’t divulge more information about Jonathan than absolutely necessary.

  Mr. Kendall took the bait. “There was a car accident. She was hit by a car outside the mall. Died instantly. She didn’t suffer.” Mr. Kendall seemed in shock over the news and was distressed about having brought such a grave and terrible revelation to Jonathan. But he caught himself quickly. “I find it hard to believe that Jonathan didn’t know. His father came to see me at the school. He pulled him from school, asked for all the transfer papers for the new school. I know for a fact that he was in touch with his son. Why would any father withhold such information? Besides, you still haven’t told me how you know Jonathan, Mr. Jackson.”

  Dan was trapped. “Mr. Kendall, this may be difficult to explain, but you look like an honest man.” Dan wasn’t sure how to explain. He was about to betray Jonathan’s trust and he wondered if he would ever be forgiven for that. “Jonathan came to my doorstep about five weeks ago. I live in the Great Forest in a small hunting cabin. When Jonathan appeared on my door, he was starving, his clothes hanging from him in rags. He’d spent almost two weeks alone in the forest, abandoned there by his parents. Apparently, they felt they didn’t want a gay son living under their roof...” Dan couldn’t finish the sentence, the pain of what Jonathan had gone through still too hard to fathom, even for him, and tears appeared in his eyes. “He has not seen or spoken to them for at least seven weeks. He was thrown out of the house, left to die in the forest, Mr. Kendall. Now please tell me,“ Dan was getting agitated, angry on behalf of the injustice that Jonathan had suffered. “Please tell me that you didn’t know that Jonathan was abused by his father. The scars, the wounds? I find it hard to believe the school wouldn’t have known about this!” he finished, his tone accusatory now.

  Mr. Kendall paled, obviously in shock from the news. “I, uh, we, uh, the school...” He didn’t know how to respond. His wife saved him. “Mr. Jackson, right? My husband is a couple of months from his retirement. He’s been running the school for thirty years. He loves teaching, and he loves his kids. You have to believe me when I say that if my husband had known that any child under his aegis was in any kind of trouble, he would have alerted child protective services. He had to do so occasionally, so I know he wouldn’t have hesitated to alert the authorities to Jonathan’s plight, had he only known...” She stretched out her hand to pat her husband’s hand. Mr. Kendall was sitting silently, obviously in shock, contemplating what Dan had just told him. Mrs. Kendall looked at Dan and continued. “You are more than just friends, you and Jonathan, aren’t you?” she said, looking at Dan intently, but not judging. Dan simply nodded. “Good,” she simply added, looking back at her husband.

  “I, uh...” Mr. Kendall straightened up in his chair, facing Dan. “You know, of course, that I am legally obligated to alert the authorities to this, Mr. Jackson. A child has suffered while going to my school. I won’t have that on my record,” he said firmly. While Dan could see the man’s point of view, and was relieved to find him an ally, there was little that could be done.

  “I have spoken to Jonathan about this. He turned eighteen ten days ago and as an adult, there is nothing you, nor I, can do without his consent. I know for a fact that Jonathan doesn’t want to press charges against his father for the abuse he suffered from him. However, there is something you might be able to do to help him,” Dan said, thinking about Jon’s graduation, and hopes of going to college.

  Chapter 15

  JONATHAN WOKE UP, alone. Dan wasn’t in the room. He felt dizzy, could barely think straight. When he first noticed Mr. Kendall’s stare on him from across the room, he had felt paralyzed. He couldn’t move, couldn’t talk. It was like the worst nightmare coming true, almost. Only his parents sitting there would have been worse. He didn’t even hear Dan talk to him, he had been completely fixated on Mr. Kendall. When the old man got up to walk over to them, Jonathan was sure his life would end right then and there. Thankfully, Dan had intervened and gotten him out of there.

  But where is he?

  Jonathan climbed out of bed, shaking, sweaty. He was dizzy from the sleeping pill Dan had given him, and could barely stand up straight. He walked out to the living room, but it was dark. Dan was gone. A tinge of fear and panic rose in Jonathan. He had gotten so used to having Dan around all the time, his smell, his embrace, his company, their passionate lovemaking. In this strange and unfamiliar room, the thought of not having Dan nearby made him nervous, afraid even.

  He went to the bathroom to wash his face. He didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to know what was going on. Then the memory of Mr. Kendall’s words hit him with brute force. Mom’s dead, gone. There was nothing he could do. Rage started to surface and Jonathan screamed at his reflection in the mirror, crying out his mother’s name, bellowing his hatred for his father, blaming him, blaming him.

  Jonath
an slumped into a heap on the bathroom floor, sobbing at the loss of his mother, the fact that he didn’t get to attend her funeral, his hatred for his father, his miserable life.

  Where’s Dan?

  The slightest doubt started to take root in his mind. Having been through so much, even the slightest oddity started to grow into fear and distrust in Jonathan’s mind. Thoughts of abandonment and betrayal on Dan’s part spread their venom through his mind, slowly but surely. Once the poison reached his conscious mind, Jonathan was convinced that Dan was in some sort of conspiracy with Mr. Kendall and his father. That he had been lured to the city, only to be returned to his father for further torture. The fact that his father had been the one to get rid of him seemed inconsequential to the venomous theory spreading through his mind. Jonathan was upset. He was angry with Dan.

  How could you do this to me? I thought you liked me...

  Fortified by the poisonous thoughts, Jonathan got dressed, packed a duffel bag with his stuff and left the room.

  You won’t have me! He vowed and left. There’s just one thing I need to know first, he thought. He took the elevator back up to the rooftop, to the Empire’s dining room. When he left the elevator, he carefully approached the dining room and peered inside. He saw Dan standing next to Mr. Kendall’s table, talking leisurely with his principal and what must’ve been his wife.

  I knew it. I knew you would betray me!

  Jonathan turned around and left the hotel quietly, not turning around. Outside, the weather was cold. The sky was clear. Jonathan could see a sliver of the moon and the odd star, despite the bright city lights, but it was freezing cold. He put on his gloves and his beanie and started walking aimlessly through the streets.

  After having walked like this for what seemed like an eternity, he arrived at the cemetery where he knew his mother would be buried. He hadn’t even contemplated going there, his unconscious mind just directed him. This was no small cemetery and Jonathan had no idea where to look. It didn’t matter. The gates were locked for the night.

  He would have to come back in the morning, or maybe the day after, depending on whether they’d keep it closed on New Year’s Day or not. He wasn’t sure. For now he’d have to keep walking, because it was starting to get cold. He literally had no money. Dan always paid for everything, and since he had no account of his own...

  Why would Dan do this to me? Why?

  Jonathan’s eyes were once again wet with tears. He had never felt so betrayed before. Hell, this was worse than what his father had done, at least that came expected. But Dan? What had he done to deserve this? Was he some kind of pet? Something to write about? The sudden thought disgusted Jonathan, the venom of doubt spinning ever new threads between the neurons of his brain, firing them in new and unexpected configurations.

  I’d rather die than see him again.

  He found a bench at a bus stop and sat down, exhausted.

  I just need to take a break, sit down for a while, catch my breath. Jonathan slumped into the bench and fell asleep, the sleeping pill still working in his brain and the cold working together, in concert.

  Two hours later, Jonathan died.

  Back at the hotel, Dan was unaware of any of this. He was still talking to the Kendalls, now openly sharing what Jonathan had told him about the abuse from his father, the lack of support from his mother. The Kendalls accepted the information silently, processing it, bit by bit.

  By the end of their conversation, Dan had convinced Mr. Kendall to let Jonathan graduate in the spring, despite the weeks he had missed. Jonathan was a good student and deserved a second chance, as long as he came back after the holidays. He also promised not to go to the authorities, although they all realized that this would surface sooner or later. Since the abuse had occurred while Jonathan was a minor, it was, at least legally, still an official matter, not something Jonathan could stop. Nevertheless, they all agreed that it made little sense to push the matter against Jonathan’s expressed will.

  Dan was happy about the turn out of their conversation when he left the table. He’d given the Kendalls his card so they could reach him, and he went back to the elevator to go down to their room. It was nearing midnight and he wanted nothing else but to be near his lover when the clock would strike, ringing in the new year. A year that promised hope and a brighter future for Jonathan. For both of them.

  At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary when Dan walked into their room. The living room was dark, and no light came from the bedroom. He decided to undress out in the living room to not wake Jonathan. He deserves to rest and tomorrow we’ll tackle whatever needs to be tackled.

  He traced his way to the bedroom door of their suite and climbed into bed, opposite from Jonathan. When he realized Jonathan wasn’t in bed, he lit the night light and called, “Jon, honey, are you in the bathroom?” No response.

  Dan got up and found the bathroom empty. Jonathan was gone!

  At first, Dan found that hard to believe. Where would he go? Why would he leave?

  Dan quickly dressed again. He had no plan, no clue of where to start looking for Jonathan.

  Call the police?

  And tell them what exactly? My boyfriend has left me? Right, like that would get them going. No, he needed to think. Where would you go in the middle of the night after having been delivered news like this?

  Then it struck him, the cemetery. It seemed perfectly logic to Dan that Jonathan would look for his mother at the cemetery. But which one? There were at least a dozen cemeteries in the city and Dan had no idea where Jonathan’s parents had lived. He rushed back upstairs to the party, looking for the Kendalls.

  He found them still sitting at their table, enjoying their dessert. “I’m so sorry to disturb you again, but Jon’s no longer in our room. I have a hunch that he may have wandered out to go see his mother’s grave. Do you know where she was buried?” Dan was clearly in distress. “I’m so sorry to hear that, son,” Mrs. Kendall responded. “Darling, wasn’t she buried at Sunnyvale Cemetery? I recall reading about that in the paper somewhere,” she offered. Her husband nodded gravely. “Yes, I remember, Sunnyvale it was. It’s about three miles from here. You should be there in ten minutes if you take a taxi. Not much traffic at this hour...” Dan all but darted from the room, never hearing the rest of the sentence. “But, son, the cemeteries are all closed now.”

  Dan called for a taxi and asked to be taken to the Sunnyvale cemetery.

  Chapter 16

  LUCY, HOPING TO find her usual bench empty, found it occupied by a tall, blond haired man. His body was cold, devoid of life. When she noticed how young he was, she took pity upon him and called 911. The ambulance arrived at the scene within minutes, taking Jonathan into their custody, and giving her back the empty bench for the night.

  Inside the ambulance, the paramedics tried to resuscitate Jonathan, and by the time they had reached the hospital, Jonathan’s heart was beating once again.

  He had been lucky. The cold weather protected his body from harm during the few minutes it had been without much needed oxygen.

  He had also been lucky that Lucy showed up at the bus stop when she had. A few minutes longer and Jonathan would have suffered severe brain damage. They might have never been able to revive him, and even if they had, it would not have done him much good.

  He was even more lucky that the hospital they took him to had a doctor on call who specialized in this kind of injury.

  The nurse carefully removed Jonathan’s clothing to get him prepped for immediate treatment. They needed to warm his body temperature gradually, using a bear hugger, a machine that circulates warm air around the body to slowly warm it back up. The blankets of the bear hugger wrapped directly on the patient’s skin. The nurse in charge was shocked when she looked at all the scars tracing Jonathan’s back, his sides, arms and legs. She would make a note in his journal. He didn’t have any ID on him so she couldn’t call anyone.

  She couldn’t fathom who would subject a child, a young ma
n, to such cruelty. Judging from the scar tissue, her John Doe must have been abused for many years, some of the scars almost faded, others barely healed wounds. She pitied the young man being put into the bear hugger, wondering why he had been alone on that park bench where the homeless lady found him.

  Meanwhile, Dan arrived at the cemetery, but was unable to find Jonathan. He tried to force the gates, but if he, with his strength couldn’t force it, he knew Jonathan wouldn’t have been able to. Dan was scared. The night was freezing cold, temperatures having dropped to five degrees Fahrenheit. He would be freezing by now, no matter how warmly he was dressed. He didn’t even bring his warm parka today, Dan remembered. Jonathan had just been wearing one of Sean’s old coats, saying that he didn’t need the parka in the city. Not knowing what else to do, Dan asked the waiting cab driver to take him back to his hotel.

  Dan was exhausted. The emptiness of the hotel room was devastating. That big suite and no Jonathan. He missed him. Those past weeks, they had gotten so used to being together, to having each other. It snuck up on him, he hadn’t even realized it, but in that very instant, Dan knew just how much he loved Jonathan. He wanted him near. He realized how much his life had changed for the better in those past weeks.

  He turned on the lights and walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Maybe Jonathan would come back? Maybe he just needed to get out and clear his head? Maybe he was worried for nothing?

  That’s when he noticed that Jonathan’s toiletries were gone. Dan rushed back into the bedroom and discovered that everything belonging to Jonathan was gone. Even his duffel bag was gone.

  He’s not coming back!

  Dan broke down and started crying, wondering what had driven his lover to take such a drastic step. What other secret he held that he couldn’t share. What had happened that took his lover away from him like that? Pulling himself up onto the bed, he climbed under the sheets on Jonathan’s side, inhaling the scent of his lost lover, crying himself to an uneasy sleep.