Jonathan's Hope

by Hirschi, Hans M.

  In the morning, Dan woke early. It took just a few seconds for him to get his bearings, for the realization of Jonathan’s absence to bear down on him with the blunt force of being hit by a semi. The pain of their separation, the longing for Jonathan’s body warmth was almost too much to bear.

  Dan decided to go to the police.

  What else can I do?

  The officer on duty at the station near the hotel was very kind. He listened to Dan tell his story, as incredible as Dan himself felt it was. The man noted everything, asked for a detailed description of Jonathan, what he was wearing, his hair color, etc. Dan wasn’t sure what Jonathan was wearing under his coat, but he presumed it would be something casual, a shirt and blue jeans.

  “You know,” the officer said at one point, “he’s an adult so there’s not much we can do at this stage, Mr. Jackson. You’re not even his next of kin, my personal feelings on this subject aside. Sadly, this is a big city, people do disappear, most of them willingly. But I’ll tell you what. Leave me a number where we can reach you, and if we hear anything, we’ll be in touch. In the meantime, I suggest you return to your hotel room. For all we know, he might already be back, hungry for breakfast.”

  Dan knew that the police wouldn’t start looking for an adult until after at least two days had passed, and he knew that the police had no legal obligation to call him. He did try to explain that Jonathan had been abused by his parents and that he preferred if they didn’t call them, but since Jonathan’s father was legally next of kin, it was out of Dan’s hands. In thirty-six hours, the police would inform Jonathan’s dad that his son was back in the city and reported missing by his boyfriend. Dan could only imagine the look on Jon’s dad’s face at that news...

  On the other side of the city, Jonathan was recovering. The hypothermia treatment went well, thanks to his general good physique and health, or so the doctors had told him after he finally awoke that morning. He had a terrible headache and his feet and hands hurt like hell. He had almost lost the tip of his nose, but, once again, he had been lucky, although Jonathan wasn’t so sure it was luck. Somewhere deep inside him, he almost wished he would have died that night.

  Without Dan, I have no reason left to live.

  After the doctor left, the nurse came back with a couple of pills for his headache and a little something for his IV that sent Jonathan back to sleep.

  When Jonathan woke up again at lunch time, a police officer was sitting next to his chair. “Good morning, son. You and I need to have a chat,” he said, looking sympathetically at Jonathan. From where he lay in bed, he knew he couldn’t run. He was still hooked to an IV-unit and a machine monitoring his vital signs, not to mention that he wasn’t wearing any clothes except the hospital gown. So no running, Jonathan resigned, seems I’m doomed.

  The officer looked at him and smiled. “I know what you are thinking, son, but trust me, you have no reason to run anywhere. You’re in good hands here and there are people out there who love you, who miss you...” he trailed, noticing the flicker of panic on Jonathan’s face. “You are Jonathan Bates, aren’t you?” Jonathan nodded faintly, resigning himself to his fate.

  “Your partner filed a missing person report on you this morning,” the officer continued, his voice calm, kind. Not at all what Jonathan had expected. Dan?

  “He came by the station this morning, worried sick about you. You are a very fortunate young man, to be loved as much as you are. You know that?” The officer was shaking his head. “Not to mention lucky. I hear from the hospital staff that you were minutes from being dead. Why did you run away last night?”

  Jonathan didn’t have any answers to that question, but there was enough fear in his eyes to provoke the officer to continue. “Listen, first things first. You need to get well. Unfortunately, the hospital discovered your scars and they’ve filed a report. We have put out a warrant for your father’s arrest. He’s not at the house, and with the holidays, it’s difficult to track him, but we will find him. You needn’t worry about that. He won’t ever lay his hands on you again. Daniel, your partner, told me all about your ordeal. Eventually, you will have to testify, but first you need to get better. Okay, son?” The policeman got up and put his hand on Jonathan’s, as if to assure him physically that everything was okay. “One more thing. Since you are legally an adult, and since our state doesn’t recognize gay unions, I cannot contact Daniel without your consent. Is it okay if I let him know you’re all right?”

  Jonathan nodded then looked away, trying to hide the tears that were welling up inside him. He could hear the policeman walk away towards the door, pausing briefly. “We’ll talk again soon. We will need your statement about last night and about those scars. But I know how to reach you now. I’ll contact Dan for you. Get well, son.” Then he was gone.

  When the phone rang, Dan almost fell off the couch. He had extended the stay at the hotel for a few more nights. He wasn’t about to head home, knowing that Jonathan was out there by himself. “Hello?” he cautiously answered the phone, not recognizing the number. “Mr. Jackson?”

  “This is him, yes.”

  “Mr. Jackson, this is Officer Parker from city police. We met this morning. We have found Jonathan. He’s had a rough night, but he’ll be fine. He’s at the Mary Mercy Hospital, room 15-116.” Dan’s heart was thumping so loudly he could barely hear the man speak. “Hospital? What happened?” He was afraid to hear the answer. “Severe hypothermia, I believe. They had to resuscitate him when they found him. Apparently he tried to visit his mother’s grave last night and then fell asleep in a bus shelter, but with the temperatures out there...” The officer didn’t finish his sentence. “Is there any permanent damage? Will he be okay?” Dan asked tentatively, afraid again of the answer. “Listen, young man, I’ve already told you more than I’m supposed to, but he’ll be completely fine. Go see him, he’s waiting for you. Oh, and I would expect both of you to remain in the city for a few days. We’ll need to question you about the beatings and the abandonment. We have a warrant out for his father’s arrest. The hospital noticed the scars and reported them. That, and the story you told me, make this a clear cut case of child abuse and neglect. That man is going to jail for a long time. I’ll call you again tomorrow.” He hung up.

  Dan darted from his hotel room quicker than a lightning bolt, almost knocking over the maid coming from the adjacent room. The elevator seemed to take forever transporting Dan to the ground floor. He rushed out of the hotel to holler for a taxi. He had no patience, all he wanted to do was rush to Jon’s side, be there for him.

  Eventually, a taxi pulled up and Dan got in. During the ride to the hospital, it seemed to Dan as if the world stood still around him. People walking, cars traveling, all seemed to be in slow motion. Every single move around him was excruciatingly slow. It almost seemed as if the driver of the taxi was taking his time as well, but he tried to be patient. Jonathan was alive, and he was going to be fine. That was all that really mattered. In a short while, they would be together again.

  At the hospital, Jonathan was afraid, scared of what Dan would say, still in doubt of what Dan had been talking with the Kendalls about. There was still fear in his mind, but in the light of day, those doubts didn’t seem as serious or ominous as they had the night before.

  When the door opened, and Dan appeared, Jonathan all but lost it, the tears, the relief coming from deep within him. In seconds, Dan was sitting next to him on the bed, holding him, wiping tears from his cheeks, kissing his lips, his eyes, his nose, his forehead.

  “Jon, I’ve been so worried. Thank god, you’re fine. Promise you’ll never, ever leave me again. Ever. I love you, and I don’t think I could live without you!” The words had come out of his mouth without his approval. But yes, as Dan kissed Jonathan’s forehead again, stroking his hand through Jonathan’s hair he knew they were true. He got into the hospital bed, lying down beside Jonathan, holding him. He did love Jonathan. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. He’d always found tha
t to be a cliché, but his fear, his worry, the agony of the night alone in bed helped him realize just how strong their relationship had grown over the few weeks they’d known each other. And, while he still thought of Sean every hour, every day, it seemed as if the past few weeks had finally allowed him to move on, to kick start his life again, to take the chance that life had presented him.

  Jonathan was still crying, silently now, in Dan’s arms. The doubts he had about his lover all but gone, but there were still questions. However, more importantly, right then, right in that instance, Jonathan needed to just be. Be alive, be in Dan’s arms. He needed to feel the heat from his lover’s body lying next to him, feel his hands stroking through his hair, feel the stubble on Dan’s face tickle him lightly when he kissed every inch of his face, feel the warm softness of his lips when they met his own. Finally, he found the strength to talk. “I’m sorry, Dan. I’m sorry I left last night.” New sobs gushed from his chest, new tears flowed freely down his cheeks.

  “Sssssh,” Dan said. “It’s okay, Jon. Everything is going to be okay. I promise you, everything will be all right.”

  The two men lay like that for the longest time, holding each other. Dan comforted Jon, wiping tears off his face. At one point, a nurse came in but she quickly turned around and left them alone.

  When Jonathan finally calmed down, he asked for some water and started talking. “When I woke up last night, and you were gone, I got scared. The city, the darkness, it all scared something in me. I went to see where you were and when I saw you talking to the Kendalls, I panicked. Somehow I convinced myself that you and Mr. Kendall were trying to ship me off to my father. I know it sounds stupid, but I was so scared, I got my stuff and left the hotel. I wanted to go see my mom. But when I got to the cemetery, it was closed, and I couldn’t go back, so I sat down somewhere, a bus stop I think. I must’ve fallen asleep...” Obviously, Jonathan didn’t remember much of what had happened afterwards. “When I woke up this morning, I felt so alone, abandoned. I didn’t want to be alive. They gave me something to calm me down, and when I woke up later, there was a police officer sitting here, waiting for me. He was very kind and gentle. He said you met him?”

  “Yes,” Dan replied. “When I got back to the room and you weren’t there, I had a hunch that you might be at the cemetery, but I guess I was there too early. Did you walk all the way out there? I couldn’t find you, so I returned to the hotel. This morning, I went down to the station to file a report. That’s when I met him. I guess he must’ve connected the dots between your disappearance and the filing from the hospital.”

  “But why did you go and talk to Mr. Kendall?” Jonathan’s question seemed ominous, fresh doubt welling up inside him.

  “Jon, honey, I didn’t have any contact details. I wanted to ask him for help. He seemed to be genuinely interested in your welfare last night. I wanted to ask him to help you graduate, so you can go to college, start a life, that’s all.” Dan was holding Jonathan’s hand in his, kissing the back of it gently. “How can you even begin to think that I’d betray you?”

  Jonathan blushed. He didn’t have an answer to that particular question. He didn’t have any questions to the events of last night. He felt like a complete fool. “I’m sorry, Dan, so sorry...” He winced, fresh tears appearing in the corner of his eyes.

  “Forget about this for now. All I care about right now is for you to get out of this hospital, to get well. I want us to be able to get on with our lives.”

  “Our lives?” Jonathan asked quietly, not sure how to interpret the last thing Dan had said, fresh doubt about Dan’s motives and plans resurfacing. Dan must’ve seen it in Jonathan’s eyes, as he quickly quenched his lover’s doubts. “Together, silly. Our lives together!” He kissed Jonathan gently before he continued. “Last night, when I got back from the cemetery, to our empty hotel room, I realized just how far gone I was, how much I...” He paused, looking deeply into Jonathan’s eyes before finishing what he was about to say. “How much I love you. I know this may be too much, too soon, but when I thought I had lost you, it suddenly struck me. I love you, and I don’t ever want to lose you again. I had to go through this once, and I couldn’t bear to lose you, too.” Now it was Dan who started crying at the sudden realization of the emotional connection between the loss he had endured with Sean’s death and Jonathan’s disappearance, and how it had affected him.

  Jonathan was at a loss for words. No one had ever told him that he was loved, and he wasn’t sure what that meant. How do you know if you love someone if you’ve never loved anyone before? How do you know love from lust, from friendship, from comfort, or just the feeling of being safe and protected? Jonathan had loved his mother, and he still loved his father, despite everything he had done to him, but the feelings he harbored for Dan were so much different from that. He remembered the night before Christmas when he declared his love for Dan. It was more of a question as he had been so overwhelmed with emotion after their love making. Now he was more unsure than ever if he actually knew what love really was.

  He looked up at Dan, still sitting on his hospital bed, holding his hand with his head resting on his chest, crying quietly. Jonathan could only imagine what it had meant for Dan to take this step, to admit his true feelings for him. He understood that the relationship Dan and Sean shared was something special. He saw it in Dan’s eyes every time he spoke of Sean. There was that sparkle in his eyes, the infliction in his voice when he mentioned Sean’s name. He even noticed that goosebumps appeared on Dan’s skin, physical remnants of the strong bond he had shared with Sean.

  Now Dan was telling him he felt the same way about him? It scared Jonathan, because he wasn’t sure he was able to measure up to Sean. Sean was older, more experienced, successful. By comparison, Jonathan was but a child, immature. If nothing else, his actions the night before were a testament to that fact. Jonathan felt ashamed. He wasn’t worthy of Dan’s love.

  Jonathan used his free hand to stroke through Dan’s hair, amazed at how good it felt to feel him lying there, resting his head on his chest, comforted by him. Jonathan’s conflicted emotions once again railed at the thought that this amazing man could find comfort from the beat of his heart, from the ministrations of his hands on his head.

  “Dan,” Jonathan started, “I don’t really know how to say this, so please hear me out.” Dan looked up at him, nodding. “I feel honored that you love me, and scared at the same time. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to fill Sean’s shoes...” Jonathan had to laugh at his choice of words, remembering the layers of socks he had to wear when he first wore Sean’s winter boots. “I have never loved before, I don’t even know if what I feel for you qualifies as love, and that scares me. I have never been with another man, and I have absolutely nothing to give you. I’m not Sean. I can’t replace him, and I’m afraid that when you realize that, you won’t want me anymore...”

  Dan interrupted him gently. “Jon, honey, there are no guarantees for anything in life, ever. I understand that. But please believe me when I tell you that you’re not a replacement for Sean, or a substitute. I can understand that you aren’t able to say that you love me, I totally get that. But believe me that I know how I feel. When you showed up at my doorstep, you literally brought me back to life. I had been vegetating out there in the woods. I was biding my time. I wasn’t living. You rekindled my will to live, fueled my desire to do things, travel, explore, do stuff. I mean, had it not been for you, I would’ve never even accepted the invitations for last night’s party. I would’ve just spent the evening walking with Rascal and going to bed. But you, you make me whole. You make me want to live, to savor every day, every hour, every single minute, and I would be honored if you wanted to do so at my side. If you can’t, I’ll understand, and I’ll learn to live with that...” Dan lied, but how could he possibly pressure Jonathan with the blunt truth that his heart couldn’t take another loss? That it would break for good, if Jonathan also left him.

  Jonathan considered Da
n’s words, unsure how to reply, until finally, the only appropriate words came to mind. “Happy New Year, Dan!” He lowered his head and kissed Dan’s head. Dan climbed fully onto his bed, and their lips met for a long, passionate, delayed New Year’s kiss.

  They lay there for a long time until the nurse eventually returned to take Jonathan’s temperature, and to bring him some tea and a snack.

  Chapter 17

  “JON, WE NEED to talk,” Dan said, after returning to his lover’s bedside once the doctor left. He hadn’t wanted his voice to sound so ominous, but there were some serious things to consider.

  There was the police officer who said he’d return the next morning to take Jon’s statement, the matter of Jon’s father, a possible trial and what that would likely do to Jonathan, not to mention school, graduation, the future, their future. So much to talk about. So much planning to do.

  Jonathan still felt weak, he was in no mood to talk about the future, not right then, and he still wasn’t sure he could live up to Dan’s expectations of him. He wasn’t sure if he really could be the man that Dan saw in him. But he had to try. He would try, that was certain, and so they talked.

  They spoke of Mr. Kendall’s offer to allow Jonathan to graduate if he completed some extra papers on critical subjects, and took some tests that he missed. He also had to submit to an oral examination. Mr. Kendall agreed that Jonathan didn’t have to return to school and attend any of the classes in the time that remained until he graduated in five months. Jonathan was relieved, as he just couldn’t face his old classmates again. It would all be handled very quietly behind the scenes, and Jonathan could skip the graduation ceremonies. Maybe, Jonathan thought, maybe I’ve underestimated some of the people in my life. He considered the kindness and willingness to help from Mr. Kendall and the school. Naturally, they had been shocked at the revelation of the lifelong torture that Jonathan had endured at the hands of his father, and Mr. Kendall wondered if there had been any foul play involved in Jonathan’s mother’s death.