Primal Impulse (Censored Edition)

by Johnson, James

  It wasn’t Steven’s fault. She knew his feelings were genuine. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. What they had was real. Steven felt as bad as she did.

  It seemed they had never been in control. A greater power had possessed them from the very start. It was if someone had cast a magical spell upon them. It happened the moment they laid eyes upon each other. They were afloat in the sea of emotion. They would ride the rocky waves wherever they took them. They would sink or swim together in the waters of passion.

  The last few days seemed like a fantasy. A powerful force had hijacked the both of them and carried them away. They were locked away in a prison of passion and pleasure. For four days they were fed nothing but love and lust. Now they were opening the cell door. They were free to leave, but their hearts remained in captivity. They were two hearts shackled together by the chains of passion, bound by the iron bars of love.

  Jena pulled herself out of bed. Somehow she had to get through another workday. Today was Friday. There was nothing to look forward to but a lonely weekend. She had to survive the fall from ecstasy. She had to land on her feet and carry on. She had to have faith that it would all work out somehow.

  Once again she had to rely on the power of positive thinking. She would not let the dark skies of heartbreak overcome her. She would not let the black rain fall on her parade of ecstasy. She would not let the gloom swallow her.

  No, she would find that double rainbow and ride it to the end. She would find the sun and let it shine down on her. Somehow, someway, those golden rays of love would find her. The light of love would set her free.

  * * *

  Steven felt like crying. He wasn’t the type who wore his emotions for all to see. But this time he couldn’t help it. The sinking feeling in his stomach hurt like hell. His heart stung with an emptiness like he had never felt.

  In six more hours he would be on his way back to Dallas. That mean ole airplane would be taking him away from his baby. The ruthless reality of having to make a living was dragging him away. He was leaving the greatest love he had ever known.

  Jena had captured his heart. Four days ago he had arrived with no expectations. Yes, he thought they would hook up and rekindle their old friendship. And yes, he sort of expected to have sex with her. But no way did he expect this. No way did he think he would fall for her like he did.

  Their friendship paved the way for the incredible sex. The fantastic sex became the glue for something else. What that something else was he never was really sure. That is…until now.

  It was love. That was the only thing it could be. He thought he had experienced it in the past. Both of his past wives he cared for dearly. He never would have married them otherwise. At the time it felt like love. Looking back it clearly wasn’t the real thing. It wasn’t soulmates locked into each other. It wasn’t the chemical explosion that he had experienced the last few days. It wasn’t the feeling of oneness that Jena brought.

  They were two women with whom he had shared a moment in time. They wanted it to be the real thing just as he did. They, too, probably thought it was real at the time. But what he had with Jena was more—much more. Theirs was a love that had no mercy. It cut deep and wide sweeping up everything in its path. And right now that cut hurt like hell.

  Steven had four more hours of work. Then he would return his rental car. He would jump on their shuttle and head to the airport. He would get on that airplane and look out the window at the love he left behind. He would come down from the greatest high he had ever experienced. He would leave a piece of himself behind in California. Who knew how long it would be before they would see each other.

  Of course they would try to make it work. Others had managed a long distance relationship. There would be weekends and holidays when they could see each other. They would certainly try. That much he knew for sure.

  Steven knew what was behind the sick feeling in his stomach. He knew what was slicing his heart into pieces. It was a nagging fear that overwhelmed him. It was the fear of losing her. It was the thought of it all fading away.

  What if the dream slipped away before it had a chance to become reality? What if their castle collapsed on them before they had a chance to move into it? What if it all slid away like sand in their hands?

  Steven knew the odds and they weren’t good. He had experienced it and he’d seen others experience it. Life’s obligations always trumped the dream. The deck was always stacked in favor of practicality. Love could only bind for so long before it began leaking at the seams. People had to eat and put a roof over their heads. The grind of the day-to-day wore down the heart. Love became a luxury you simply couldn’t afford.

  Steven took a deep breath. It was like that old song that he had heard so many times. You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. Necessities were just that—something you needed to survive. Love wasn’t. That was easy enough to see. All you had to do was look around. It seemed everyone was walking around with a wounded heart. It seemed to be the hardest thing in the world to find true love.

  People were surviving and going through the motions, letting life pass them by. Their hearts wore the armor of pain. Some pretended to be happy, but if you looked deep inside you could tell they weren’t. You could see the sadness dripping off of them.

  Steven had a really bad feeling. It was gut instinct telling him that it would all fall apart. When he went back to Texas the cookie would crumble. Nothing would be left but the crumbs of love. One of them would find someone else. They would slowly drift apart. Time would work its magic and memories would feel the gaps. They would both look back at the one who got away. They would both live forever with a broken heart.

  Time never healed anything. It was just medicine for the pain. It was an easy way to ride out errors from the past. It was an escape like everything else. It was the mask that hid the pain—a veil of protection from life’s suffering. It was ointment for the sting.

  Steven bit his lip—hard. He wanted to feel the pain. He wanted to be reminded of how bad it hurt. He wanted to feel it rip his senses apart. He wanted to physically feel his heart break. Maybe that would shake loose something inside. There was no way he could allow this to happen. Going against his gut was something he never did. That was not his nature.

  God damn it, he wasn’t going to let it happen. He would take action. He was a writer for God’s sake, a beacon of creativity. Surely he could find a needle in the haystack and make it work. There was one thing he knew. If he got on that airplane today it would be the biggest mistake of his life.

  Taking no action was an action. It was a decision of weakness. If he did nothing he would lose everything. He would lose Jena.

  No fucking way was he going to let that happen—No fucking way.

  Chapter 31

  Jena walked toward the copy machine. The stack of papers slipped from her hand and scattered across the floor. She knelt down and gathered them up. Her whole morning had been like this.

  She mindlessly went through the motions at the copy machine. Her head was elsewhere. Her mind was on one thing—Steven and how much it would hurt to see him leave.

  Jena walked back to her desk and sat down. She glanced at her phone. It had a text message from Steven. Her heart fluttered with anxiety. She clicked and opened it.

  Hi, baby. I’m staying the weekend. Can’t leave you yet. I’ll call at noon. Steven.

  Jena stared at the message. His words slashed through her like a bolt of lightning. For a moment she was breathless.

  Yes! Yes! Yes! She could hold onto him for a little bit longer. For two more days he would be by her side. She wouldn’t let him out of her sight.

  Jena took a deep breath. She let Steven’s text sink in. It was more than a matter of two days together—much more. It confirmed something she thought was true. It verified something she certainly hoped was true. Steven truly did feel the same way about her as she did about him.

  Steven was experiencing the same emotional turmoi
l that she was. He was agonizing over their separation as much as she. The thought of them parting was tearing him up inside. Having to leave her behind was ripping him apart. The thought of one becoming two again was tearing at his soul.

  Jena leaned back in her chair. Her mind was racing. Would she have to suffer through this same ordeal again in a couple of days? Would she have to undergo these same wrecked emotions again? Was it just a little tease of happiness shining through the dark clouds?

  She would worry about that later. At least she had a little breathing room. She had a little time to think. She had two days or so to make a miracle happen. She had 48 hours to make her dream come true.

  Now she absolutely knew that Steven felt the same way. It wasn’t some little fling for the memory bank. It wasn’t just a hookup between friends. It wasn’t only about the incredible, hot sex. It was as real for him as it was for her.

  It was something she had heard about for years. It was always tantalizingly close, yet so far away. It was what Joan Dixon so eloquently expressed in her novels. The Queen of Romance made it actually seem possible. She made it seem real. She brought it to life with the words she wrote.

  What she and Steven had was the real thing. It was nourishment for the human spirit. It stopped the bleeding of a wounded soul. It was a tourniquet for the heart. It was love.

  All she cared about was being together. She didn’t care if they were living in Timbuktu. As long as he was by her side her world would keep spinning. As long as he was there to hold her tight she would make it. As long as she had love she would survive.

  Steven was her life force. He was part of her DNA that made her complete. He was a primordial element of her being. His love empowered her, strengthened her—allowed the true Jena to shine. Steven was the light that she showed to the world. He was the smile on her face.

  Steven was a drink for her thirsty soul. He was a ray of sunshine piercing through the dark mysteries of life. He brought awareness and understanding to the meaning of it all. He made everything come alive.

  Jena knew it was meant to be. This was her one chance at the real thing. This is what Joan Dixon dangled in front of her readers. This was the sweet elixir that everyone chased. This was the underlying principle of life itself. It was the fuel that powered the soul.

  She and Steven were riding their high. They were standing at the summit, the peak of the mountain, the pinnacle of love. And there they would stay. Nothing would break the embrace of love. They would roll in each other’s love forever. Together they would float through eternity.

  Chapter 32

  Jena looked at her phone—it read high noon. Just then it lit up with a call from The One.

  “Hi, baby,” she said excitedly. “Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!”

  “Jena girl, I just couldn’t do it,” answered Steven. “I couldn’t leave you. I can’t leave my baby.”

  Steven’s voice carried a steely tone of determination. Jena then remembered. She had heard it before. It was a put-your-head-down-and go-for-it attitude that he possessed. It was toughness from within. It was a no-excuses full-fledged attack on whatever he set his sights. It was usually masked over by his easy-going manner. But when he decided to let it fly there was no mistaking it.

  Only a handful of people on the planet had witnessed it. Jena and Shelly had seen it—and the successful results. It was Steven’s supreme confidence. It was his hidden competitive spirit. It was dogged determination pushing him forward. It was setting a goal and achieving it no matter the cost. It was what some called an insane stubbornness—a madman on the loose. It was Steven getting what he wanted. And right now he wanted her.

  Years ago he would shift into that mode when he really desired something. Sometimes it would be something as simple as a pickup basketball game. He would take over the game as everyone seemed to move out of his way. He would win on will alone.

  Other times it was just some crazy idea that he wouldn’t let go of. Once he decided to do something there was no stopping him. He couldn’t even stop it. It mattered not whether he was jumping on a plane venturing to a war zone…or to Belgium to drink beer. Once the fire blazed there was only one way to put it out.

  Steven surprised everyone when he left college after three years. Why would he forego the last year of his education and his degree? Why leave school and spontaneously relocate to Seattle? People assumed he had dropped out.

  It wasn’t until years later that people discovered the truth. Steven had graduated. Early on he had set a goal to earn his degree in three years. He methodically accomplished his goal by taking on the maximum credit hours every semester. He squeezed out his B’s and accomplished his goal. Then he quietly moved on to his next adventure. That was his stealth way of doing things. That was the mystery that was Steven.

  “Jena, are you still there? Can you hear me?”

  Jena didn’t hear a word he said. She was in another world. She was searching out memories of long ago. She was connecting the dots of yesterday and tomorrow. She was connecting the past and the present. Her future was before her—and it was Steven. Her mind kept racing.

  Steven, oh, Steven…so many layers. There were so many mysteries that surrounded him. Maybe it was the adventurer in him that drove him so. Or maybe it was just his natural curiosity about the world. He was certainly blessed, or was it a curse, with an extreme imagination. His disposition for creativity was off the charts.

  Steven’s open mind allowed the world to flow in. He would let it accumulate before sorting it out. Then out popped his version of what it was all about. Not surprisingly it would usually have an edgy uniqueness to it. He used to say that nothing is at it seems.

  Steven expressed himself in ways no one else could. It seemed his brain was wired differently than the rest of the human species. His magical combination of intelligence and imagination could be remarkably entertaining. He always had a way with words. It’s no wonder he ended up being a writer. That reminded her.

  She had never read any of his books! She hadn’t seen one word of his in print! She couldn’t even recall what it was he wrote about! That would change! Soon!

  Yes, Steven was a real character. His warped sense of logic and unforgiving tenacity were an oddball combination that worked. His obstinacy pushed though a seemingly illogical methodology. He was a hard-headed genius who did things his own way. His route to success wasn’t always the conventional way, but somehow it worked.

  Steven was someone who got what he wanted. He possessed the perfect tools for the job. His open-window, razor-sharp intelligence let it all flow in. His ferocious determination locked it up and forced it to submit. He made it beg for mercy. He made it plead for release. He made it promise to do things his way.

  Only then would Steven show any sympathy. Only then would he free up the energy of change. Only after the game was over would he stop. Only when he was proclaimed the winner would he finally relent. With Steven winning wasn’t enough. Steven had to win his way.

  Yep, that was her man. That was her Steven. That was the man with whom she had fallen in love. That was her hot baby on fire for her.

  Steven was a winner. And right now she was the prize in his steely eyes. She was the trophy waiting at the end. She was the kiss at the finish line. Everything and everybody had better get out of his way. Steven was coming for his baby.

  “Jena, if you can hear me I’m going to call you back. I can’t hear a thing.”

  This time Jena heard him. She snapped out of her trance. It was mission accomplished. Her brain had deciphered the future and it was good. Steven would never let her get away. He would die before he would let that happen. He would find a way for them to be together forever.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, baby,” answered Jena. “I guess I drifted off a little there.”

  “Baby, I just couldn’t leave you,” continued Steven. “It was killing me. I had to stay the weekend. I’m not actually leaving until early Monday morning. I’m buying as much time as possible.”
/>   “Oh, Steven, thank you! Thank you so much. You know you can stay at my place, don’t you?”

  Steven laughed. “Yes, I figured you’d offer. I actually checked out of my hotel this morning.”

  “Great!” exclaimed Jena. “I love it.”

  “Hey, did you know,” said Steven, “that it’s Super Bowl weekend? Maybe we’ll just relax Sunday and watch the game—just the two of us.”

  “Sure, that sounds good,” said Jena before taking a deep breath. “Steven, I know it’s only a couple of days, but you have no idea what this means to me. You have no idea what’s going on in my head right now. You make me completely crazy. You’re the only thing I can think about.”

  “I do know,” said Steven. “I know exactly what’s going on in your head because I’m going through the same thing. I can’t stand the thought of us being apart. Baby, we’ve got to find a way to make this work. And I’m not talking about some weekend shit. I’m not talking about flying back and forth going through withdrawals every time we part.

  “I’m talking about being together every single day for the rest of our lives. I’m talking about touching you, kissing you, making love to you every night. I’m talking about holding you tight and breathing you in. I’m talking about tucking you in and wrapping my arms around you. I’m talking about never letting you go. ”

  Steven was on a roll. Jena was soaking in his words of heaven. For some reason she had the image of Cupid with his bow all pulled back. His arrow of love was aimed straight at her heart. Maybe that silly picture wasn’t so silly after all. Steven was shooting an arrow right through her heart. He was piercing the flesh that guarded her love. He was stealing her soul with his words.

  Steven continued. He was opening up like never before. This was the real Steven. His voice dripped of emotion. His words rang of truth.