Toxic

by Kathy Coopmans

  “Honey, you look gorgeous.” Mom’s eyes go bright shining with pride.

  I finger the messy bun on top of my head and shrug in the oversized Idaho Diamonds baseball-style tee Alex bought me after the game. “You always say that.”

  She claps her hands together now in the forefront while Dad rests his chin on her shoulder. “Tell me everything! How’s it going? Are the professors nice? Is Aunt Peaches behaving?”

  Dad barks with laughter at the last question. There’s no way in hell anyone could get that old lady to behave. I tell them everything from my work schedule and how beautiful the campus is to singing on stage. I know my eyes light with passion and desire when I talk about singing. It’s a natural gift my mom passed down to me.

  “Any men?” Mom waggles her eyebrows. Dad growls.

  I nibble on my bottom lip, debating just how much I want to share. There’s no way in hell I’ll share Alex’s shitty behavior because it isn’t fair. The man has turned around, and we’ve become friends as well as something else. Something not labeled. It’s just there. Opposites who fit together. His scent is ingrained in my memory. It’s one I want to wrap myself up in and get lost forever roaming with him by my side.

  “Maybe.” I shrug and blush.

  “Details,” Mom demands.

  “Leave the poor girl alone, baby.” Dad leans in and kisses Mom on the cheek.

  Ever since I can remember, Dad always called her baby or something similar. I never thought much of it growing up. But now it’s everything. I can only hope one day I’ll be living out a true love story like the two of them.

  “He’s nice,” I offer. Mom’s eyes brighten with delight. “We met downtown. He took me on a date to an Idaho Diamonds football game.”

  It’s not a lie. It’s just not the full truth. Baby steps. I have no doubt my parents will accept Alex without blinking an eye whether he has a past or not; it’s just the way they are. There’s really no need to get them all excited about the idea of me having a boyfriend when I don’t know where this is going with us. We chat for a good thirty minutes before we say our good-byes and do all sorts of air kisses. The call was the perfect fix for my homesick blues.

  I decide on a hot bubble bath, a book, and candles to celebrate. What am I celebrating? I shrug, because does it really matter? Nope. I hop up off the couch the same time a loud knocking ensues on my door. I startle and grab my chest, not expecting any company.

  Dixie yaps her high-pitch bark at my feet as she follows me to the door. My heart threatens to beat out of its cage. I hate being startled because I’m still not used to living alone. Even though I consider myself strong, there are times when I scare so damn easily. I get up on my tiptoes and peer into the peephole to see Alex with his head hanging down.

  My fingers tremble as I unlock the locks and whip open the door.

  “Alex.” I cover my mouth when he peers down at me. “What the hell happened to your face?”

  “It’s not as bad as it looks. Figured I’d go home when I left the gym. Then, as I drove around, I thought about going to a bar, thought about having a drink, and then I thought about you. The funniest thing happened to me when your beautiful face flashed in front of my eyes. Know what it was?” He drags his hand through his hair, leaving it tousled and sexy.

  I shake my head; he says whatever happened to him isn’t as bad as it seems. Still, there’s something inside of me that screams it has to do with whatever’s eating him up.

  “I smiled. For the first time in a long time, I fucking smiled. No place I’d rather be than with you.”

  My stomach somersaults over his confession.

  I glide my hand up his arm, and he flinches when I touch the bruise forming on his cheek. Warmth seeps from his skin through my fingertips, flaring up my blood and increasing my desire for this man.

  “What are you saying?” I whisper, my heart bouncing in my chest.

  “Not sure. Think that’s something we need to figure out, since this is the only place I want to be.”

  I feel my cheeks heat up. His admission does something to me, and he knows it. It’s as if the invisible damn between us bursts wide open, allowing both of our energy to flow freely. No more reservations or skirting topics. It’s just us. Dropping my hand from his face, I hold it out with trembling fingers and wait for Alex to take hold.

  He reaches out and cups my cheek before taking my hand and shutting the door behind him. I lead him silently down the hall and into the bathroom.

  I don’t ask the questions on the tip of my tongue as I guide him to sit on the edge of the tub. His face is battered. One eye nearly swollen shut. A gaping wound across his forehead that makes me internally cringe. Not to mention the other scrapes and smaller cuts on his face, and bleeding knuckles.

  I turn grabbing the First Aid kit from my vanity above the old-fashioned-style sink. Mom insisted I bring one with me. With the white plastic box clutched in my hands, I pivot back around, feeling my heart crack once again at the sight of him. I still don’t say a word but instead wait for him to open up. It’s a huge victory that he chose to come to my place instead of hitting the bottle. I’m dying to tell him how proud of him I am, but I keep my lips sealed shut.

  “I’m going to clean you up.”

  “I’d appreciate that, Maria.” The way he says my name stalls the waves in my brain. I peer into his eyes. Alex has a long road ahead of him. That slippery rope will always be dangling in his face. Waiting for him to take hold and slip back to the bottom. We stare at one another, and a current charges in the air. My chest heaves up and down, and his gaze flits to my mouth.

  “I wanted to hit the bottle tonight. Not as much as I wanted to be with you. I fought out some of my aggression with Aidan. He taught me how to fight. I might look like shit, but at the moment, I feel pretty fucking good.” He tugs me toward him until my kneecaps rub up against the coarse denim of his jeans. “For the first time in a long time, my mind is quiet. All I see and hear is you.”

  “Alex.” I brush his strong jawline. My gaze bounces between his lips and eyes. I’d love to kiss him right now. Ask him to explain in more detail what he means about us being real. Most importantly, I want to know about the demons that have left his mind, and yet I find myself saying the one thing he deserves to hear. “I’m proud of you.”

  His answer comes in giving me a gentle squeeze. I get to work on his face, his arms laced tight around my back keeping me secure to him as I rifle through the kit. I expect him to wince when I dab the peroxide-filled cotton ball over his open cuts. He doesn’t. He continues to stare right at me as if he can see inside my soul. With each swipe across his face, the dried blood disappears, leaving behind several cuts. The way he spoke of getting his aggression out and how good it made him feel exhilarates me. And it also makes me a little sick to my stomach, if I'm honest. I never want to see this gorgeous man beaten like this again. But if it’s the thing that works for him, I’ll adjust.

  I pepper his face with an antibacterial ointment, then set the kit to the side. I tilt my head dying to taste his lips. It’s a flavor I’ll savor forever. How did this man get under my skin in such a short time? It sure as hell wasn’t love at first sight. There’s always been an underlying attraction, that’s for sure, and now it’s exposed fear for my own heart. It’s in a vulnerable place right in the palm of Alex’s strong hands.

  He moves his hands from the lower part of my back down until he’s palming my ass. His biceps flex underneath his T-shirt as he pulls me closer until there’s no air between our bodies. As he talks, his lips brush against mine.

  “It felt so damn good to fight with my uncle, Maria. Everything that’s multiplied and compounded inside of me was unleashed. It’s still there; I’m not fixed, but Jesus, it’s like I’ve finally found a way to get rid of it.”

  I cup his face, careful not to touch any of the cuts. “I’m proud of you. So damn proud. You might want to tell me again which one is Aidan.” When I met his family, he explained who ever
yone was. By the time he was finished, the only one I remembered besides his parents and brother was his friend Diesel and Aunt Calla. Diesel because he’s a giant of a man, and Calla because she’s second in command behind Alex’s dad. How everyone else fit in is a blur. Too many of them, I guess.

  “He’s Diesel’s dad. Don’t want to talk about anything anymore. I’d much rather talk with your sexy mouth on mine.” God, can he ever read my mind.

  The rest of the talking is done with our lips moving against each other. Alex guides the kiss, his tongue stroking my bottom lip and slipping into my mouth. I moan with no shame. My hips buck back and forth seeking more friction. The throbbing ache in my core goes bone deep.

  He stands with me in his arms, not breaking our kiss as he walks out into the living room. My back hits the couch. I find myself grabbing for him, not ready to lose our connection. We hold each other’s gazes as he moves slowly to lie on top of me with his elbows taking most of his weight. When he grinds his hips into me, my cheeks flame a bright red at the thought of telling this experienced man I’m a virgin. I’m scared, nervous, but everything in me knows this is real.

  He locks a hand around the back of my neck, squeezing gently, his fingers twisting in my hair. “I might have been strong enough not to take a drink tonight. I have no strength when it comes to touching you.”

  His hand dips under the hem of my shirt; the soothing touch sends me into a forbidden, dark place. Heavy-lidded eyes bore into mine. The heat from his body is seeping into my skin, and the desire between my legs intensifies.

  He leans in and devours my mouth as if he needs me to breathe. His tongue invading my mouth, swirling with mine. A growl ripping from deep within him.

  I shiver when he latches on to my neck, sucking, nipping, and my desire has me soaking wet. His erection is long and thick, pushing the spot that wants so much more attention.

  “Jesus, no bra,” he says when his hand palms my breast, and before I have time to answer, he has my shirt off, his mouth claiming a nipple and sucking it deep into his mouth.

  I moan, writhe, and pant. My body is on fire. My hands wandering up his spine. I want his skin on mine.

  “Take your shirt off,” I manage to say.

  Chuckling, he sits up, muscles on display as he whips his shirt over his head. This man is rock-solid hard everywhere.

  He eases back down and licks from my belly button up to my breasts. One hand tweaks a nipple while his mouth teases the other. I have to tell him that I’m a virgin before this goes too far.

  “I’ve been saving myself for the right man. That man is you, Alex.”

  11

  Alex

  No woman has ever looked at me the way she does. Concern the minute she opened her door. Worry when she took care of me while waiting for me to tell her what happened. Mostly, the way she looks at me as if she trusts me makes this woman more special than I already knew she was.

  It’s not until she flicks the button, unzips my jeans, and palms my raging cock that what she said hits me harder than Aidan’s fists did.

  I lift my head. Her mouth is parted, eyes telling me she’d have no problem taking this into her bedroom. Christ, I knew she was innocent; makes her all the more appealing to me. But I can’t take her. Not like this.

  It’s damn hard to look at her while I’m allowing her to fist my dick in her hand and my thoughts are scattered all over the place.

  The second she begins stroking and wiggling underneath me, her untouched heat pressing into mine, free hand shoving my pants down far enough for her to slide down and cup my balls, I damn near lose all reason of what will happen if I continue to let her jack me off.

  Every time she touches me, my brain triggers a wire that shoots through me. Even when she was cleaning me up, I wanted her hands on me.

  I’m torn, ripped down the middle. The voice of reason is telling me to get up. The fucked-up one that doesn’t give two shits about fucking a woman for the release is doing its best to tell me to take her hard and rough. I know what I need to do, and no matter how badly I want to take her to bed, worship and devour her, I won’t do it.

  “You telling me you’re a virgin?”

  Her body stiffens. Those incredible-feeling hands of hers release me. I peer down at this beautiful girl with her hair wild from my fingers, eyes wide and filled with desire for me. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve seen. So innocent, so pure. Pure goodness that has blasted her way into my dark soul.

  Now, though, her gaze turns guarded, mouth parting as if she wants to take back what she said.

  I climb off her, adjusting myself, and the need to flee, to clear my head, quickly begins to suffocate me. I’m not worthy of taking her virginity. Not yet. Not when I’m still so fucked up in my head that half the time I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

  Maria sits up on the couch, brushes the hair on her forehead back, and grabs a blanket to cover her chest. “Yes.” Mother. Fuck. The last thing I want her to be is embarrassed, and that’s exactly what she is. If her word didn’t prove it, then covering herself up and holding the blanket tightly around her perfect tits does.

  The blood drains from my face, traveling south to my dick when I think about being the only man blessed enough to be inside of her. Son of a bitch. I’m elated she’s untouched. Knew she was inexperienced, but this is a bit too much. For now, anyway.

  I spin in a rush, grab my shirt, toss it over my head, and turn back around to see her eyes flare with a combination of emotions.

  Fuck. Her widened stare turns into an angry glare. There’s pain radiating throughout the air. “Maria.” Her name is all I can get to come out.

  “Say what you have to say, Alex,” she pleads angrily from her position on the couch.

  My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. She doesn’t say another word as she challenges me in a stare down. Her eyes are flooded with hurt. Mine are begging her to give me a minute to swallow this down.

  “I can’t do this.” I cringe when the hurtful sentence tumbles from my lips and lands right square in her lap. I see her snap right before my own eyes. Thought I’d put her through hell back in Montana. I was so very wrong. I’m witnessing a woman crack. It fucking guts me.

  My brain is trying to come up with the right thing to say when she lays into me. Her angry words are firing off enough daggers to knock me dead.

  “Get out. If me being a virgin is a problem for you, then you are not the man you claim to be. God, how could I have been so naïve to think you would want me when easy is the way you roll, isn’t it? It’s easy to pick up a drink as quickly as it’s easy for you to seduce a woman to want to be underneath you. I should have listened to my gut when she was screaming at me that you, Alex Diamond, are toxic.” She stands, hands clutching to the blanket as if it‘s her shield. “But no, sweet little innocent Maria isn’t really your type. She’s pure. Unmarked. An easy target for a man like you. I convinced myself I was wrong about you. That somewhere behind the poison there was a good man. A man who made me crazy with want. A man I thought I was falling for. Thank you for proving me wrong, Alex. Get out of my apartment and don’t think of coming near me again.”

  She’s pegged that right. I’m not the man she was tenderly taking care of a few minutes ago. I’m deep, dark, and lost. Still trying to find my way back. But I’m a decent enough man to know not to take her virginity when deep down in my soul I know she deserves the man who takes what she’s savored, a man who cherishes it for the rest of his life.

  And, God, how I want to be that man. The thing is, I’m not where I need to be, and I won’t take her until I am. Because this woman is a forever kind of girl, and I’ll be Goddamned if I’ll taint her before I’ve fixed myself.

  For fuck's sake, the one time I try to do something right, and I manage to fuck it up. Her words pierce my stomach. Twist and roll it into a knot.

  Maybe she’s right. She should have listened to her gut. I mean, I’m the one who sat outside of the bar, waiting for her to c
ome out because I was too weak to go inside. Too tempted I’d ask for a drink. Sit in a dark corner and get wasted while I watched her from the shadows.

  This is too much. Damn it; I could use a drink. One sip to help dissolve the hurt coming off her. It strikes me in the chest, causing a tornado of mucked-up emotions to choke me from the inside out.

  “You are wrong, Maria. I care for you. That’s why I stopped. I want you more than you know. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I want to do with you. I want to give you everything. I told you there are things I’m not prepared to share yet. Those things have me fucked up. Screwed up enough that I took the easy way out by trying to drink them away. Before my life went to hell, I never took the easy way out. Not one time. I can’t leave, not like this. You’ve shocked me. You have to understand that. I was ready to take you back to your bedroom and fuck you. You deserve better than me pawing all over you. You deserve to be worshipped by a man who isn’t so fucked up he gives you all of him. I can’t be that man right now, no matter how much I want you. No matter what I said earlier. I can’t.”

  I should have never come here tonight. Not when my state of mind is all over the place. I needed to see her, though. Being away from her drives me insane. She’s not an addiction. She’s a necessity. One I’m going to lose. I can feel the loss clinging to my skin.

  “Then tell me. Tell me what was so bad that it drove you to drink. That it drove you to fuck women you don’t know and treat everyone around you like shit. Tell me, Alex.”

  Yeah, that’s definitely not going to happen. Especially tonight. Pain flashes across her features before it contorts into a rage ready to explode. I stand there with my hands tucked into my pockets. My throat bobbing. “I’ve told you I can’t.”

  Abruptly, she steps toward me, eating up the distance between us, raises her hand, and slaps me. Her slap causes one of the cuts on my face to open up. Blood trickles down my cheek. Fuck, she has a wicked hand.