Toxic

by Kathy Coopmans

  “I’m so sick of hearing the word ‘can’t.’ It’s for weak people, Alex. People who don’t care if they trample all over someone or not. People who just don’t give a shit if they barge into someone’s life and take hold of their heart. I can’t do this; I can’t do that. Yet you can drink, you can give yourself to women like Lexi. Ones who spread their legs for anyone. But you can’t give all of yourself to me. A minute ago, I didn’t think I was good enough for you. How wrong I was. It’s you who isn’t good enough for me.”

  Jesus, she has a temper. Her words, though, they strike me down. Tears me apart she witnessed me doing things I’m ashamed of.

  “You’re right. I’m not. I’m trying to be. Once you calm down, I hope you can see that I did the right thing and it sure as hell wasn’t easy. I’m standing before you, telling you that the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, Maria. I won’t apologize for the things I did before I met you. Told you once that’s not the man I am. I don’t want what we started to end like this. Maybe it’s for the best.” I wipe the back of my hand across my face, catching the falling blood.

  Fuck, what the hell am I saying? I don’t want it to end with her ever. The thought of another man touching her, kissing her, hearing those sweet noises come out of her mouth when she’s turned on is enough to buckle my knees. She’s ready to end us before I’ve had the chance to prove I am the man she deserves me to be.

  She sticks out her chin defiantly. “I couldn’t agree with you more. It is for the best. The best for me. I think we’ve said enough. Can you leave, or do I need to call the cops? Calling them won’t do me a bit of good, though, will it? Your family likely has them on their payroll.”

  “That’s a low blow, Maria. My family has nothing to do with me and you.” I need to get going before I’m the one exploding. She’s spewing out her hurt. Trying to push me to say something I don’t mean. Something I can’t take back.

  “Low blows by women are what you’re used to, aren’t you?” Her brows raise in challenge.

  I deserve that. Doesn’t mean I have to stand here and listen to her. Not when I know she’s speaking out of anger.

  “Now you’re acting childish. I’ve shown you the man I am by not taking what isn’t mine to take.” Fuck, I’m dying inside. Honestly, this kills me more than shooting the prick in the alley. He deserved to suffer before he choked out his last breath. Maria doesn’t deserve to be in any pain at all.

  “Maybe I am. But you’ve hurt me, Alex. I might regret it the minute you walk out the door. What I won’t do is wait for you to decide when the time is right to tell me what happened to you.”

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her when what I really want to say is how much she’s grown to mean to me in a short period of time. How she’s the first woman who sees me and not my money. Hell, she sees through everything. I wish to God she could see through me now. If she did, she’d know how much I’m starting to fall for her.

  I want to tell her how badly I deserve to be the only man to sink inside of her. To fall so Goddamn far in love with her that I never want out. To have her eyes on me the way they were when I opened the door. Like I’m her every damn wish come true. And yet I stand here unable to get anything more to come out of my mouth. I fucked up once again with my beautiful Maria. Destroying the one thing good in my life by acting like her virginity is a disease. The truth is, if she gave herself to me and only me, it would be the best gift I’ve ever received, and that thought alone is why I need to get the hell out of here. I won’t have the light she brings into the dark corners of my mind clogged with the blood still left on my hands. Not when Maria is a portrait of everything from pure to beautiful.

  I move my sorry ass to the door, reach for the knob, and pause. The thought of not seeing her, hearing her sweet voice again, pokes a thousand holes in my gut.

  “This isn’t the end of you and me, Maria. Not by a long shot.”

  I walk through her door, shutting it quietly behind me. I felt alive when I came here. Now I feel like I’ve died. I’m walking away from something good. Except I meant what I said. I won’t give up on the part of me that exists for her. I don’t care if she doesn’t like the word ‘can’t.’ Walking away for good is something I can’t do.

  12

  Maria

  It’s been the longest week and a half of my life. I wake up, go to school, work, and sleep. Or at least I try to sleep.

  I’m trapped in a repeat cycle I loathe. I haven’t a clue what to do about it or if I even should. It’s not easy trying to ignore a throbbing ache in your chest that just won’t go away. Everything hurts, all the time. Every minute of the day. I’ve tried telling myself it’s my imagination. I’ve beaten myself up until I’m in a ball of tears over flying off the handle the way I did.

  It was so easy to be cruel in the moment. Say things I didn’t mean. Things I wish I could take back. I was frustrated, high on the way he kissed and touched me. I wanted him, and his rejection hurt. I feel utterly lost over not seeing him. This ache, though, it attacks me the most late at night when I’m lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Darkness coats me. It’s an impending gloomy shadow that won’t go away.

  I’ve tried convincing myself I overreacted because I’m young and he’s the first man who grabbed hold of my heart. But that’s not it. I’m far from immature. I stand tall and believe in myself and the woman I’ve become. I’ve stood by him; he’s stood by me. And damn it, I feel lost. Like a part of me is missing and I don’t know what to do to get it back.

  Alex, he consumes my thoughts. There’s something about him that won’t let go, no matter how hard I try.

  It’s come to the point it’s too painful to sit on my couch. In a sick and twisted way, I swear I can smell his scent lingering on the cushions. And when I close my eyes in the living room, I remember the feel of his hands and his body covering mine. It’s torture killing me slowly.

  I sent him two voicemails that have gone unanswered. It wasn’t an act of desperation. Far from it. It was me reaching out to a man whom I owe an apology to for making a big deal out of something I should have respected him for. It seems he has no interest in returning my calls. He’s shut me out completely.

  “Maria.” Ava, one of my study partners, nudges my side. “Where did you go?”

  I tuck a stray chunk of hair behind my ear and glance at each person in my study group. Three sets of eyes drill me with questions. I shrug. “Sorry, was thinking about our project and what company we could design a logo for.”

  “Didn’t we decide on Simplot since it’s local?” Lance asks.

  “You’re right. Sorry.” It’s a lie I force out. I’m not about to tell them I’m wrapped up in a man I can’t stop thinking about. Their probing eyes will want to know everything.

  Ava hops up from her seat and kisses Scott on his forehead before she saunters up to the library help desk. I made friends with her quickly in class, and once the first group project was assigned, it was natural to be her partner. Then, in turn, her boyfriend, Scott, joined us along with his best friend, Lance, completing our group of four. It’s a damn good thing we all have the same work ethic and drive to succeed, since this project is immense spanning the course of the semester.

  Lance brushes off my poor excuse and begins rambling on about our next steps. Up until this point our communication has been in the classroom and on Google Drive. We’ve finally all found a chunk of time where we can meet twice a week at the university’s library. It’s proven to be much more efficient. We’d get a lot more done if I tried keeping my head on straight and not focus on Alex.

  The thing is, everything goes back to the frustrating man. It’s insane to think that in the little amount of time we’ve spent together, he’s somehow embedded himself under my skin. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I do believe there’s one person out there for everyone, and I thought Alex was mine. Yet he’s too big of a coward to own it, to trust me with what’s tearing him up inside. Easier to run than face his
problems and fears. I slam my textbook shut right along with memories of Alex.

  A solid hour passes before we have our plan laid out and assigned to-do lists. Ava stretches her arms high above her head. I don’t miss Scott’s perusal of her exposed stomach. They are smitten with each other, like that puppy dog love that makes you sick. Just one more strike to my already hurting heart.

  “Hey, Maria, we’re going to the new bistro downtown for an early dinner. Want to join us?” Ava stands tossing her backpack over her shoulder.

  “I have to be at work in a few hours.” I chew on my bottom lip, my stomach growling at the mention of food. I’ve been surviving on granola bars and yogurt lately. It’s ridiculous when I stop to think about it.

  “Don’t you work at The Shade Tree?” Lance asks.

  I nod, shocked he knows that, and then realize he must have eavesdropped on Ava and my conversations before and after class.

  “This place isn’t too far from it, and from what I’ve heard, the food is amazing.” He rises from his seat, rakes a hand through his dark golden hair, and leans into me. “Would love for you to join us.”

  Any other time in my life, my heart would be leaping in my chest with the invitation. Lance is the poster child for the all-American man from his piercing blue eyes and olive tan to his humble manners. Yet I feel nothing for him. Not one iota of exhilaration or excitement of what this could turn into. He’s put the ball in my court, and all I can think of is Alex. How much more he is, even down to the complicated parts of him. I wait and wait for my heart to gallop or chills to race up my spine. Nothing comes.

  “C’mon, Maria, we’d love to hang out with you. You’re always working and drowning in homework,” Ava pleads.

  Well, she got part of it right. If she only knew how I feel like I’m drowning. A dinner date with friends and being carefree might be just what I need. Jesus, I am a college student after all, and it’s about time I start acting like one. It’s time to make memories instead of being buried in them.

  “Sure. Dinner sounds good. I’ll follow you there.”

  Ava beams with happiness. I don’t miss the sexy smirk Lance sends my way. He walks next to me until I’m standing by my truck.

  “Hey, if it’s okay, I’ll just ride with you in case we get separated,” Lance offers. “I rode to school with those two yahoos this morning.”

  “Sure.” I hit the unlock button on my key fob.

  I’m relieved when Lance doesn’t initiate endless chatter on the way to the bistro. Instead, he spends most of the time on his phone. He’s making everything comfortable and not forced at all, which makes me think he may not be interested in me as anything more than a friend.

  He’s not cocky like a lot of the jocks are either. It’s no secret Lance Huntington is the captain of the BSU soccer team. He doesn’t boast or brag about it. It’s the crazy, slutty girls on campus who do.

  The aroma of the old-fashioned bistro slaps me in the face as Lance holds the door open for me. I offer him a slight grin of appreciation. We have to wait a few minutes before being seated. As we weave through the tables and customers, Lance places his hand on the lower part of my back. It’s a protective gesture that doesn’t bother me at all.

  Of course, Scott and Ava cozy up on one side of the booth, leaving me to sit with Lance. I slide in first, and he follows. He keeps his distance friendly as we peruse the menu. Every item sounds delicious. After several moments, I decide on a French dip with a side salad.

  “You’re from Montana, right?” Scott asks before taking a long drink from his Dr. Pepper.

  “I am.” My fingers fiddle in circles under the table. I’m not in the mood to share much about myself. I can’t explain why. It would feel forced to open up, and the real me is as fake as a person can get.

  “What brought you to Boise?” he pushes on.

  “Damn, Scott, leave the poor girl alone. You know her aunt owns The Shade Tree.” Ava elbows him in the ribs and then kisses his cheek.

  “I love that place,” Lance adds. “Karaoke nights are the best.”

  Finding a crack in the conversation where I can guide it from me, I jump in. “Luckily, I’ve never had to work a shift on karaoke night. I hear it can be quite painful sometimes.”

  “It is. Fun, though. Ava tells us you sing there some nights,” Lance says.

  Damn Ava. Note to self, keep details to a minimum. Singing is my passion and not something I brag about. It’s my thing.

  I shrug, playing it off. “I do. It’s a hobby for me.”

  “Nice, let us know the next time you take the stage.” Lance leans in as he speaks each word. His full megawatt smile on display. I feel trapped in the booth. I don’t want to be a bitch to him. Also, I don’t want to ruin this relationship, since we have to work the rest of the semester together. And who knows? Sparks may fly one day. Who am I kidding? They won’t. Even if Alex weren’t in the picture, they wouldn’t. I do know that much.

  Our conversation trails off to the soccer schedule this spring, which is months away. I relax in the booth, enjoying their banter. This group of friends is one I could easily fit into if I wanted. Our food is placed in front of us. My stomach growls at the thought of something more than a damn granola bar. The plate is piled high with roast beef on a crusted bun. Everything looks delicious right down to the orange slice garnish on the edge of the plate.

  “Alex.”

  That voice makes the pit of my stomach fall. It tumbles to my feet. I keep my stare focused down on my plate, not wanting to witness the inevitable disaster ahead of me.

  I should have known all the things he told me about wanting me were a lie. His type seduces you with sweet words, kisses that leave you breathless. The minute he found out how innocent I am, it was over. He pulls away and disappears. I knew better than to get involved with a man like him. And now, the pain I’m feeling rests heavily on my shoulders.

  “It’s Alex Diamond,” Ava whispers. “Holy shit.”

  Right, it’s Alex Diamond, alright. Here with another woman who isn’t me. I want to crawl away. Go home and hide.

  “I have an hour before class, Alex. Let's get something to eat.” The sound of the woman’s voice grates across my skin. His go-to slut has noticed me, and to my ears only she’s making it known he’s hers. I feel like an idiot believing the things he said. I’m a fool. Nothing but a woman who fell for one of the bad boys I read about in books. Their dark side so tempting you need a taste.

  On instinct, because that seems to be my motto when it comes to him, I lift my head up. My breath pauses when his icy gaze darts between Lance and me. His jaw ticks with anger while the veins in his neck jump around. When he lifts one corner of his mouth, the danger this man is to my heart has me wanting to turn away. He’s powerful; it makes the attraction I feel toward him strike a match on my chest. Anger pools low in my stomach. I need to forget all about this man who is too damaged to change.

  Angling his head around to the bitch standing next to him, he whispers a few words to her; she takes a seat across from him. Damn it, I wish I weren’t stuck in this booth.

  Suddenly, I want to throw up.

  He’s with Lexi. Guess old habits never fade. I look away from him and focus my attention on Lance, asking him about soccer while pushing my food around on my plate. My appetite has vanished, and my heart cracks open a bit wider.

  Fuck Alex Diamond. He was right about one thing. He doesn’t deserve the woman I am.

  “Are you okay, Maria?” Lance rests his arm on the back of the booth, gently grazing my shoulders.

  I clear my throat. “Fine. Fine. Sorry, just remembered something I forgot to do today.”

  He smiles, the dimples in his cheeks on full display. “What do you think about going to a movie the next night you have off?”

  My heart hammers in my chest. My head spins.

  “Sure, I’d love to.”

  13

  Alex

  Now that my meeting is over, my office quiet, and I don
’t have Justice or my dad’s prying eyes on me, I place my hands on my temples and press. Pain is strung throughout my body. It strikes my nerve endings with a sharp blade. Tripping up my emotions and scattering them all over the fucking place.

  I lift my head, grit my teeth, and glare at the bottle of whiskey sitting on my desk.

  Fuck, the tension between Maria and me yesterday at the restaurant did me in enough I came back here and listened to the desperation in her voice over and over on the voicemails she left me. Pleading for me to call her. I knew she wanted to see me, so she could apologize. Knew I had to stay away from her, too. That’s why I ignored her calls, ignored my mind telling me I needed to set things right. To come out and tell her what has me coiled so tight. I just can’t do it. Because she’s my weakness, and hurting her more than I already have is something I can’t do until I’m able to blend my weakness with the strength behind the man I used to be.

  The problem I have now is, seeing her sitting there with another man about did me in. The sight pushed me to the edge. Left me open and raw. Anger at the both of us for jumping in too fast. When I knew, fuck, all I knew deep down was I wasn’t going to be able to shake this addiction on my own.

  But the pain in her eyes when she saw Lexi take a seat beside me was the final straw that broke me. It’s what caused me to stop and buy this still untouched bottle and had me calling her over and over, wishing she’d pick up so I could explain. There’s no doubt her seeing me with Lexi is going to drive her straight to that fucker who was cozied up with her in the booth. Pretty boy douche, that’s what he is. If he touches what’s mine, I might have to bust up his hands, arms, and every workable limb.

  “Fuck it. The woman is better off without me, and I know it. She should be enjoying her time in college instead of being involved with me.” Sorry fuck that I am hates hearing the truth, even if it’s my own fucked-up head telling me.