by Dee Lagasse
As I connect my phone to the Bluetooth speaker we keep in the bathroom, the sharp pain in my stomach has me keeling over. I’ve been feeling crampy all day, but I assumed it was because of my period which started this morning. Lighter than normal and late, but here nonetheless.
As the scalding hot water slowly begins to wash away a week’s worth of sadness and anger, the songs of Hollis’s “Cole Christian – SUPERWOMAN” playlist start fading into each other. By the time I’m done conditioning my hair, the cramps are the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
Pulling on the pajamas, I leave my wet hair in the towel, using the wall to balance myself, I make it to the living room, my legs now shaking as I walk.
“Are you okay, Cole?” my sister asks as I plop into my recliner. “You’re as white as a ghost. I mean this in the most loving way possible, but you look worse than when you went in.”
“But you smeeeeell better,” Ellis laughs from the kitchen, stopping when she turns and sees me.
“I think I’m just dehydrated,” I tell them. “And I have the worst cramps, ever.”
“Okay, we were going to have wine,” Hollis starts, opening the fridge. “But how about water?”
Just as I’m about to tell them I don’t need them waiting on me, there’s a buzz from the speaker box letting us know there’s someone downstairs. Ellis sprints over, holding down the button allowing whoever is down there to hear her.
“Yes?” she asks.
“Ell, it’s Travis. I need to talk to Cole. It’s about Pax.”
The urgency in his voice gets Ellis to buzz him in before she even turns to me. Opening the door, she holds it for her brother as he comes in, still in his work uniform.
“Oh, fuck,” he says, looking around the room seeing Kinley and Hollis frozen in place, waiting for him. “I forgot it was Tuesday.”
“What’s going on, Travis?” I demand. As I try to stand up, everything around me starts to spin, and I have to steady myself on the side of the recliner.
“Are you okay?” he asks, concern laced in his voice as he reaches for me.
“No, I’m not o-fucking-kay,” I yell, losing what very little patience I have. “Is that what you want to hear, Trav? I’m not okay.”
Gripping the top of the recliner, I dig into the leather as the cramps worsen with every passing second.
“That’s why I’m here,” Travis sighs, his head hanging low in defeat. “I think I know why he left.”
“Well then you better get to talking,” Kinley says as she walks over to me. Normally this would be when I would tell her that I can speak for myself. It’s not unlike her to want to step in and take control of any given situation. It’s just who my sister is. But there has never been a time in my life I just let her. Until now.
With her hand on my back, she steadies me as Travis begins to tell us about how Pax knocked on the door the morning he left and Travis alluded to him that we had slept together. Rage fills me as I pull away from my sister, my hand raised long before I make it to where Travis is standing.
And that’s when everything goes black.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Pax
Thanks to the rain, I have an unexpected day off today. The first one since the day after I got here. Thankfully, the work on a strawberry farm is never done, giving me something to focus on every day instead of how much I miss Cole.
That comes at night. It takes every single ounce of willpower I have not to unblock her number and see if she’s called. I want to know why. Why she looked me in the eyes, told me she loved me, and jumped ship at the first sign of trouble.
I shouldn’t have helped Alyssa. I should have called her brother, I could have called a car service. Cole should have been my priority. Despite all of that, I can’t get past her sleeping with Travis. I can’t stop seeing his shit-eating grin as he threw it in my face. I wish I had punched him. Bastard.
But that doesn’t stop me from being worried. And not just about Cole. I left everyone behind. The guys have called me every day. I finally ended up texting Chase to let him know I was alive, just not ready to talk yet. I checked Abbott Hills High School’s website every day to see if they replaced my coaching position, not that it matters anymore, but I’m still listed. I don’t doubt that’s every bit Hollis’s doing.
It’s Tuesday, so that means the girls have all gotten together for their weekly dinner by now. While I’m sitting here shelling peas on my grandparents’ porch, life is moving on in Abbott Hills.
“Paxton, your cell phone keeps ringing,” my grandfather says, swinging open the screen door. Handing my grandmother a glass of lemon sun tea, he takes the seat next to her on the porch swing. “Here, give me your peas. I got it from here.”
Over the last forty-five minutes, Kinley Capparelli has called me three times and Hollis Capparelli two more times after. My phone is stacked with text messages, one on top of the other from Kinley, Hollis, and Chase.
As I unlock my phone, a voicemail from Hollis pops up on my notifications. Scrolling down to the first voicemail left by Kinley forty-six minutes ago, I brace myself. I swore I was done with Abbott Hills, but the sinking feeling in my stomach tells me I should listen to these and read those text messages. The last time I didn’t listen to my instinct, it landed me here in the first place.
“Pax, it’s Kinley. I need you to call me back as soon as possible. It’s about Cole. Just, please, call me back.”
The shakiness in her voice terrifies me. In the almost six months I’ve known Kinley, I’ve never heard her be anything but completely sure of herself…and everyone else around her too.
Voicemail #2: “Pax, it’s Kinley again. I really need you to call me. Cole fell, and there’s bleeding, and the doctors won’t tell us much, and you’re the only person she’s asking for.
Cole fell.
With shaking hands, I push play on the final voicemail from Hollis.
“Hey, Pax. It’s Hol. We know some shit went down with you and Cole, and apparently Travis, but it’s not what you think. She never slept with him, man. She wasn’t even home when he opened the door. She was out getting breakfast with Kinley because she thought you didn’t bother coming home and spent the night with your ex-girlfriend. And no one else wants to make this call, so, I guess it’s on me, but Kinley managed to pull one of the nurses that came out of Cole’s room aside and got her to tell her that Cole had a miscarriage, but they need to do more tests for some reason, and they won’t tell us anything else. She won’t let anyone in the room. She’s only asking for you. I don’t know where you are, but man, do whatever you have to do to get here. She needs you. We all need you.”
Since Hollis was the last one to call me, I exhale before pressing “call back” underneath the voicemail. There isn’t even a sound of the call ringing back in my ear when I hear her voice on the other end of the line, “Pax?”
“I’m on my way. I’m in fucking South Carolina, but let her know I’m coming, okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can.” The tears flow freely down my face as I look around the kitchen frantically for my wallet.
My dad, watching the conversation from the other side of the table, holds up his keys. “Walk and talk, buddy. Walk and talk.”
“Thank God,” Hollis sighs. “We’re at Concord Catholic Medical Center. She just moved to the maternity ward. None of us know what’s going on, but Kinley called Helen and Patrick and they’ll be here soon. Cole won’t see anyone. She just keeps telling the nurses to tell us she needs you, she only wants you.”
“If you can,” I start, closing my eyes in a poor attempt at stopping the tears. “Get them to tell her I’m on my way to the airport, right now. And, that I love her. Make sure she knows that.”
“I will,” Hollis reassures me from the other line. “See you soon, Pax.”
As I hang up the phone, my dad explains to my grandparents that there’s something going on with Cole and we don’t know what yet, but it’s serious enough that we need to go back to N
ew Hampshire and that he will call as soon as we know anything.
“We?” I ask, hopping into the passenger seat.
“We,” he repeats. “I don’t know what’s going on, and I didn’t press when you came down, because I was hoping this was just a fight. We all love Cole, Paxton. I do, your ma does, your sisters, hell, even Christopher likes her, I think.”
“I thought she cheated on me,” I admit for the first time out loud. “One of the guys in the group we all hang out with said some shit and it got in my head because they have a past and she thought I spent the night with Alyssa. We didn’t even talk about it, Pop. I just fucking left her. And now…”
Before I can finish that thought, a sob escapes me. This is my fault. If I hadn’t left, I could have been there. She wouldn’t have been so stressed. I did this. I did this to her. To our baby. My baby.
“She’s in the hospital and the doctor said she miscarried, but they need to do more tests and she won’t let anyone see her,” I tell him. “She keeps asking for me. But I’m not there, Pop. I’m not there because I left her. She’s in that hospital right now, thinking I fucking just abandoned her. This is on me. It’s all my fault.”
“Oh, bud,” my dad starts, sighing. “There’s nothing you could have done. I know. It’s awful. You feel helpless. And I’m telling you from experience, that feeling isn’t going to stop when we get to New Hampshire. But let’s get you back to your girl, okay?”
Pulling into the airport, he parks in the extended stay lot. As soon as he puts the car in park, I whip off my seatbelt, sprinting into the airport to the first airline desk I find.
“Do you have a flight to Manchester, New Hampshire?” I ask, not waiting to be called on.
The middle-aged woman with salt and pepper hair and magenta cat-eye glasses stares at me blankly. Huffing, my father stops abruptly, trying to catch his breath.
“Manchester. New Hampshire,” I repeat, trying my damnedest to have some patience with the woman behind the counter. “Do you have a flight from here to there?”
Turning her attention to the screen in front of her, her fingers tap on the keyboard below “We don’t, but we have a non-stop flight to Boston that departs in forty-five minutes.”
“Fuuuuuuuuck!” I yell. As soon as the word leaves my mouth, causing everyone around me to look over at us, I feel like a complete asshole. “I’m sorry,” I apologize loudly to anyone that needs to hear it. “My girlfriend is in the hospital back home and I need to get there. I need to be there.”
Before I can stop it, water pools up in my eyes again. Hanging my head, I sigh, embarrassment and shame filling me knowing I’ve caused a fucking scene. The last thing I want is to piss off this airline employee that can ultimately decide whether or not I get on that plane and on my way to Cole.
Handing his credit card over the counter, my dad says, “We need two tickets, please.” Turning to me, he says, “I’ll get a car when we get there and drive us up to Concord. Instead of chasing a flight that might not be available, let’s just solve the problem right now.”
Knowing he’s right, I don’t argue.
“I just need a little more information from the two of you and we’ll get you home, sir.”
Chapter Thirty
Cole
I fucking hate hospitals. I always have. Well, maybe not always, but when I think of hospitals, I think of death. I think of my mother, not Helen, but my birth mom. I see her lying in bed with tubes in her mouth and in her nose and IVs sticking out of her arms.
I hate the beeping sounds of the machines, the sterile smell…it makes me feel guilty. Guilty for loving Helen so much, guilty for not honoring Victoria’s memory more, for loving my life so much, for being thankful to have the sister I wouldn’t have gotten if she was still alive. It’s not her fault life played the cruelest joke on all of us taking her so soon.
Hospitals always mean “bad news.”
As soon as I woke up and Kinley told me an ambulance was on the way, I knew. I knew, with absolutely no uncertainty, why. When the EMTs asked if I could be pregnant and I immediately remembered the four-day lapse in my birth control about a month ago. I told Pax. I told him we needed to be careful. I told him we should have taken extra precautions.
“Let’s leave it up to fate,” he’d said. “That seems to be working for us so far.”
Well, you know what? Fuck fate. There’s nothing in this world that can convince me this is what the universe intended for me.
A small knock on the door causes me to sigh. I’d already told the doctor and the nurses I didn’t want to see anyone. I know it’s selfish. They’ve all told me there’s a whole waiting room full of people, waiting on pins and needles to hear I’m okay. They’re all worried. But what do I tell them? How do I pretend to be excited when I’m heartbroken?
“Nicole, it’s Dr. Pemberton,” the doctor on call says, peeking her head in the room. She’s been so kind, so nurturing. “I wanted to come check on you and bring this to you personally.”
Pushing the door open all the way, I blink twice to make sure I’m seeing things correctly.
Looking like he has gone through the depths of hell and back to get here, Paxton Callaghan steps into the room hesitantly. His face is unshaven, covered in scruff. His eyes puffy and red, like he’d been crying, makes me wish I could run to him. Watching me, as if waiting for permission, he stands right inside the doorway. As if on cue, the little speaker I convinced one of the nurses to buy for my room from the gift shop starts playing “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Music has been the only thing keeping me sane since I got here.
“Please tell me this isn’t a dream.” I rub my eyes before letting out a small sob. Blinking again to make sure I’m not going crazy. It has to be close to midnight at this point, I’m surprised they even let him in.
“I’m here,” he says, his voice shaky as he pulls one of the chairs over to the bed. “I’m here, baby. I’m right here.”
“Remember,” Dr. Pemberton says gently, looking directly at Pax. “No stress. I’m leaving for the night in about ten minutes and I’m not on call tomorrow, but I’m going to come check on you after the office closes.”
“No stress,” Pax repeats, nodding. “I’m not going anywhere; we’ll see you tomorrow.”
Offering him a tight smile, Dr. Pemberton nods once before closing the door behind her.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my hands shaking, my voice trembling. “I was just so sad, I wasn’t eating. If I had taken better care of myself…if I—”
Holding his hand up, Pax shakes his head. “No. No. Don’t you dare for one single second blame yourself. I should have been here. You shouldn’t have been alone.”
After I was rushed here by ambulance, I spent less than an hour in the emergency room before they moved me up to the maternity ward. After blood tests and ultrasounds, the doctors determined I started the day pregnant with twins.
“These things happen sometimes,” Dr. Pemberton had said, holding my hand. “There’s no real explanation. But I do want to keep an eye on you for a few days, get you hooked up to some IV fluids, monitor you and the baby…”
The baby. The one baby that was still fighting.
I didn’t even know when I woke up this morning that I was pregnant. I thought my period was a few days late because I was stressed, and the cramps was just Aunt Flow coming with a vengeance. Most women don’t know they’re pregnant at four weeks.
Nothing is scarier than hearing the words “high risk” when nurses and doctors are talking about you and your baby. As soon as I realized I was fighting for my baby’s life in the weeks ahead, I knew I needed to somehow channel some inner peace. There was no way I was going to be able to do that with a revolving door of people coming in to check on me.
I told one of the nurses they could tell my mom and Kinley that I miscarried, but that they still needed to do more tests and it would be best if I rested, making damn sure to let them know Pax was the only exception. Day or night
. I didn’t care if it was three in the morning, if Pax came, he was to be let in.
I knew Kinley, Hollis, and Ellis would do everything they could to get ahold of him the second they heard that. Whether he came or not, or if he cared, that was a whole different story. I had hoped. I had prayed. But I didn’t have faith in the fact he would walk through the door. Not after what he thought I did.
“I didn’t sleep with Travis,” I tell him, wiping tears from his cheeks. “I was angry because I thought you spent the night with Alyssa, but I wasn’t even home when you knocked on the door, or when Travis even showed up at my apartment. Kinley picked me up, we got breakfast, and then worked remotely from her house in our pajamas all day. By the time she brought me home around four, you were gone.”
“I know,” he sighs, running his thumb over my hand. “Hollis told me everything. I shouldn’t have left without talking to you. I should have pushed through that door and then when I didn’t find you in the apartment, I would have known Travis was fucking lying. I never should have even left with Alyssa and I’m so fucking sorry that I made you think you weren’t the most important person in my life for even two single seconds. I let my crazy assumptions get the best of me instead of pausing and thinking, knowing you the way I do.”
“But you came back. I needed you and you came back,” I sigh, terrified to ask the question that I know needs to come next. “Are you staying?”
“At the hospital? I would like to. If you want me here, I will,” he says. “And as far as staying in Abbott Hills? I was stupid to even leave in the first place. I’m not going anywhere, babe.”
A long, drawn-out yawn escapes me, the emotional wave of today crashing down on me hard. Standing up, Pax puts the chair back where it came from on the other side of the room, unfolding the set of blankets left on the “dad sofa” that lined the wall.