Believe Me

by Yolanda Hadid

  “Daisy, I think I just saw my next healing place,” I say when I open my eyes. “I saw the bed and the window. I think this is a sign from the universe.”

  The next morning, I meet the broker and we make our way to see ten apartments on Wilshire within my price range. The second building is beautiful and it feels welcoming because the people are very friendly. In the elevator, the broker tells me that we’re about to see apartment 1604. 1604?

  “1-64 is my birthday.” I guess there’s no such thing as a coincidence. We step into a very calm, open space. The broker shows me the living room and the kitchen.

  “Can I see the master bedroom, please?” I ask.

  The second we walk into the master, I see the bed and giant window from the vision I had the day before.

  “Can you give me a couple of minutes alone?” I ask. The broker nods and leaves as I sit on the bed. I try to feel the room and process what is happening. It’s as if God is watching over me and is leading the way. This must be where I’m meant to live. The space is really bright and feels strangely safe. Plus, there’s an extra room off the master that could be the perfect treatment room, which I need to heal physically as well as emotionally. This marriage has taken a toll on me in more ways than one. Energetically this feels like the right place for me, as if I am meant to be here.

  We leave the apartment and look at eight others. I go home exhausted and overwhelmed with the decision that has to be made. The thought of moving and starting a new life on my own is frightening. But I need to stand up for what’s right and find myself a space where I can heal peacefully and where my children and I can anchor and build from. I take a hot Epsom salt bath, get back into my comfy white robe, and hide under the covers, praying for clarity. I wake up the next morning knowing that 1604 is the right place for me and make an offer on the apartment. It’s accepted, so I e-mail David and tell him that I’ve found a place to live. “Please give me two more weeks to move out,” I write. I sound strong and confident, but truthfully I’m a wreck. Many nights, I wake up in the middle of the night, cold and shaking and overcome with such a deep sense of loss.

  David’s manager and my dear friend Marc calls to tell me that the tabloids plan to leak the story of our separation, and it’s only a matter of time before TMZ picks up on it. I wonder why David, who I thought wanted to be private, is choosing to stay at a high-profile hotel in the center of Beverly Hills rather than a friend’s guesthouse. Does he want the story to get out? I try to stay ahead of any rumors, speculation, and incorrect tabloid stories by writing a polite and kind statement, which Marc releases to the press on December 1. It says, “We are grateful for the years we’ve spent together and believe wholeheartedly that we did our best. I hope that we can pave the road ahead of us with all we’ve learned and with the love and respect we will always have for one another.” The press goes crazy, and the story is spun in many different ways. It’s heartbreaking to see our marriage fall apart and be judged by so many who don’t even know us personally. David is criticized for leaving his sick wife, and, even though he’s being held accountable for his actions by the world, it’s painful for me to watch because that’s not what he deserves.

  The next two weeks are an emotional roller coaster. I don’t know whom to talk to or what to do. Paige comes to the rescue and with Daisy, she takes on the task of helping me move. What was I thinking when I sold my house and sold all the furniture, too? Furniture that I’ve had most of my adult life? I don’t even have a bed to sleep on. The thought of starting over again is overwhelming.

  Finally, on December 11, I move into my new apartment. It’s chaos, but as usual my loyal friends come to the rescue. I’m a zombie, but Paige puts me in the car and drives me to buy beds and furniture. Paul, my guardian angel, sends unpackers, closet organizers, and his fiancée, Mareva, to help me get somewhat settled. Kelly, Angie, Cio, Bui, Rebecca, and Josefa also show up. Just as my mom always said, “A lot of hands make light work.” My angels definitely unite. When we first move in, Anwar and I camp out on mattresses on the floor, and I make night tables from my storage boxes. The moving process is exhausting, and my inner strength is put to the test. Strangely, I have accumulated high sensitivities to electromagnetic fields and allergies to synthetic ingredients in things like creams, paints, stains, and candles, so moving into a home that is freshly painted, stained, and cleaned flares up my entire system. Daisy finds IQAir filters and fans to keep the air flowing, and we environmentally rig the apartment.

  With every week that goes by, it feels more and more like home. Many of the items I unpack bring back memories. Some of them are painful so I put them right back in the box and into storage to be dealt with at a later date. I realize how much stuff I’ve accumulated over time and how little of it means anything to me. I truly have no attachment to material things other than the photo albums of my children’s lives. Maybe at one point I wanted or needed all those things, but in this moment they seem more insignificant than ever. All I want is my health and the strength to get out of bed in the morning and go about my day in a peaceful way. To take a break from unpacking, my girlfriends push me to see the comedy Sisters, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, at the iPic theater next door to my apartment. The best line in the movie is “A house is a building; a home is a feeling.” This is the exact inspiration that I need to keep in mind. I’ve moved in and out of many houses, but I have never lost my ability to create a home for my family, and that is a gift that nobody can ever take away from me. I can only look forward and take life one day at a time.

  At the beginning of December, my fourth season on the Housewives airs. I try to watch the weekly episodes in order to write the mandatory Bravo blog. This is when I realize that, although my actual screen time isn’t much, the story line of my illness is front and center as my castmates say some astonishing things behind my back. In one episode, I show up for Lisa Rinna’s birthday party at a small Italian restaurant on Burton Way with my girlfriend Angie Simpson. At that point, I’d been living in the condo for six months and hadn’t even brought my makeup bag from my house in Malibu. Truthfully, makeup isn’t on my radar and at the time that was filmed it took every ounce of strength I had to throw on a T-shirt and pair of pants to go to the party. I showed up to my job and stayed as long as I could—maybe an hour at most—and everyone seemed so pleasant to my face. Yet the way I looked and my disease became the topic of conversation as soon as I left, something I see for the first time while watching the show.

  “In Beverly Hills, a woman going to a birthday dinner without putting one drop of makeup on is borderline shocking,” Kyle says. The only thing I find shocking is her comment! But Kyle isn’t the only critic.

  “She doesn’t look good at all. She’s got nothing on her face. Not even a little bit of under-eye cover-up or anything. Maybe you could take ten seconds to do that,” Lisa Vanderpump says. She has no idea that those ten seconds take more energy than I can muster up.

  And then there is Lisa Rinna’s comment: “We all have this armor—hair, makeup, but Yolanda showed up vulnerable without any of her protection. That’s a brave thing to do.” If she thinks brave is going without makeup, she should think again. Brave is battling an invisible illness that has no cure and doing so for four years, 365 days around the clock. Brave are the families who have sold their belongings to care for their chronically ill loved ones. Brave is many things, but it is not going without mascara to her Beverly Hills birthday party! Even though I’d prefer to rise above it and not respond, I’m contractually expected to blog about the show, so I attempt to write an intelligent response.

  Hello Bravo lovers,

  I’d be lying if I said it’s not hard to be judged by the way I look. It’s almost like you have to show scars and broken bones in order to warrant understanding. Does it count that even though we don’t “look” great, that we show up? It’s tempting to be distracted by this negativity, but I choose to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel and not let anything i
nterrupt my healing process. Being mentally and neurologically compromised for so long has presented me with life’s biggest challenge, and I need all of me to fight it.

  Bless the hearts of my fellow housewives! May neither they, nor their families, ever have to face such illness, because it is at that time when we learn and realize what really matters.

  Ken Todd is right, I don’t look good. I definitely look ill … but that’s because I AM! I miss the days of what now feels like my old life: the hair, the makeup, a sexy dress, but most of all being in a healthy body. At the end of the day, I now want to be “real,” not to be “perfect.” I still like to believe though that no beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart.

  If Lyme wasn’t such a controversial disease, I’d probably choose to deal with my journey in a more private manner, but the amount of suffering that goes on behind closed doors all over the world is unconscionable, and I feel it is now my duty to be a voice for those who can’t be heard. I want to shine a light on a disease that so many know so little about.

  I could react and look at tonight’s episode with mixed emotions, but I’ve grown apart from looking at what’s not … I am blessed to have a voice and a platform that can bring awareness to not only my disease but to the most profound lesson of it all, which is to lead a life with compassion, kindness, and without judgment, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

  One day soon I hope to have the ability to write a book about uncovering the mystery of this chronic disease and share with you the true depth of my story, but until then I am just a housewife on a mission with laser beam focus on one thing and one thing only … my health! I have faith that God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling. Cheers to that …

  Much love and a big hug, Yo

  December 20, 2015

  Sometimes what you are most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free. #WindowsToMyWorld #Home #NewBeginnings

  Luckily, I have become pretty resilient through the years and learned not to waste my energy on this toxicity. Instead, I focus on my children. Gigi and Bella are coming home from New York a couple of days before Christmas, and along with Anwar, we leave for Aspen. We celebrate Christmas with Paige and her three kids, Alexa, Ashley, and my goddaughter Amber. Bella is struggling and battling severe exhaustion. The altitude is hard on both of us. Yet we have fun cooking dinners, baking, playing games, and drinking hot chocolate by the fire. I try to accept my new normal as I focus on applying the spoon theory to my life. I manage to take a couple of walks and even ride the gondola to the mountaintop. I can’t believe how much has changed in the past years. I used to speed down this mountain like an angel with wings. Although my marriage took a major turn that I didn’t see coming, my health has made slow and steady progress. Last Christmas I was fighting for my life, hospitalized two days before the holiday and headed for the worst six months of this four-year journey. So today I am here and I feel much gratitude as I try to enjoy life the best that I can and with the greatest gift of all: a houseful of kids and quality time with my children and close friends. I’m not there yet, but I’m a lot closer than I was last Christmas.

  December 31, 2015

  I could have never imagined how much life can change in only one year.

  I wonder what next December will look like.

  #Reflections #MotherNature

  Chapter Sixteen

  TODAY I CAN SEE THAT THE HARD TIMES IN MY LIFE WERE ALL BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE.

  I gladly say good-bye to 2015, by far the most difficult year of my journey of which I spent 90 percent of my time in bed. My little spirit somehow feels inspired for the start of 2016 and excited about 365 new days and fresh chances for a full recovery. On the one hand, I’ve made progress; on the other, I still have to complete the list of procedures and protocols before there’s the possibility of a full recovery with a healthy body and brain. Dr. Klinghardt is the main guiding light who has been constant in helping me solve one layer of my complex, multilayered illness at a time. Sometimes I don’t fully comprehend what he’s telling me but I trust him with every part of my being. Knowing that I’m extremely goal oriented, he gives me a specific list of the next big steps to focus on this year:

  1.  Have five root-canal-treated teeth removed and replaced with zirconia implants.

  2.  Have two cavitations fixed. These are where my wisdom teeth had been.

  3.  Get tonsils removed. This is because the Cunningham Panel shows a severe PANDAS infection.

  4.  Get transvascular autonomic modulation (TVAM) surgery. To reset the autonomic nervous system.

  As you can imagine, it takes courage to work through this unusual to-do list, but I follow Dr. Klinghardt’s light in the midst of my storm. Together we peel away layer after layer of this giant onion. He always reminds me that the only way out is through, and I think of these words all the time while battling through my days. I’m still on my strict Lyme protocol, which includes taking quintessence, liposomal artesunate, Brazilian green propolis, liposomal stevia, cistus tea, and Sporanox; getting IVs of vitamin C, IVIG (intravenous immunoglobulin), ozone, silver, and neurotherapy into my abdominal and lower back scars; and doing ion-cleanse footbaths with cilantro drops three times a week. I’m still working closely with my toxicologist, Dr. Staninger, to detox the remaining silicone in my body.

  Although the road map is clearly laid out in front of me, I have absolutely no power to speed up the healing clock and am still in bed twenty hours most days because of joint pain, severe fatigue, and Herxheimer reactions to my treatments. It’s probably hard to imagine how anyone can spend that much time in bed, but unfortunately it’s not an option. My body needs complete rest in order to heal. Most people start the day with an unlimited amount of energy and endless possibilities to do whatever they desire. If you’re healthy, you don’t realize that this is a blessing, not a given. Every pain-free moment is a gift, and I make the best of each one that comes my way, feeling grateful and determined to find my way back to life. It feels as if I’m living in a cocoon state, but connected to God, receptive, and trying to help others.

  Daisy has found an apartment for my fellow Lyme warrior Kevin, whom I met in October at the Global Lyme Alliance. She’s been treating him long distance, but his parents have decided to move him out to L.A., where he can be in a daily program with Daisy and see Dr. Klinghardt in Seattle. The more I struggle myself, the better I feel when I reach out to others and shift my energy to them. It kind of makes me forget about my own misery and realize that there are many others who suffer far worse than I do.

  January 5, 2016

  I am not afraid for you to see who I really am and what my days are really like. I have learned to love every part of me without apology! Happy selfie–sad selfie, good days–bad days, makeup–no makeup, boobs–no boobs. I hope that by sharing this not so glamorous journey, the millions of doubted and neglected Lyme sufferers will gain medical recognition of their illness and the appropriate treatment affordable for all. This is not a pity party, just reality with good intent.

  #InvisibleDisease #ExplantSurgery #RHOBH #NotAVictimButAWarrior

  I find joy and strength in guiding other Lyme patients, and even though I don’t hold the answers to a cure, engaging with them is important. Helping Ellie deal with her obstacles also keeps things in perspective for me. The life of an ALS patient is Lyme on steroids. The emotional and financial burden it puts on her husband is astronomical, and although this affects their marriage, their love is strong and they stay committed. It’s a heartwarming and heartbreaking journey to watch up close. Through the years, I’ve encouraged Ellie to write a book about her heroic battle with ALS because her brain is so sharp and her voice so witty. I’m confident that one day I’ll find a publisher for her story, which is one that must be told. Below is just a tiny snippet of her book, which she calls And So It Is. I share it with you because I love her writing and how she describes our f
riendship, a true friendship, not a Hollywood one.

  Who is Yolanda?

  Now, in life, you have the friends who accept your invitation to a dinner party and the friends who accept your invitation to meet you in the recovery room after surgery—elective or non-elective. My friend is both. She is the girl who shows up during the sunshine AND the thunderstorms. I am talking about my friend Yolanda. But we never really call her Yolanda. No, we mostly call her Yo, Yo-yo or Yogi Bear. You might know her as one of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Now, you know my obsession with reality TV. The Housewives in particular. When Yogi told me she was going to be on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I shamefully was so fucking stoked. Shameful because it’s rude to be a voyeur into the lives of others. Interestingly, since Yolanda has been on the show, I think we’ve discussed it maybe two times. We have other stuff to talk about …

  What other stuff do we have to talk about? It turns out that we are both sick. Very, very, very sick. I have ALS and Yogi has Lyme disease. The first friend I called when I was diagnosed with ALS was Yolanda. I called my other best friend Jenny after because I was too scared to call her. I knew that my news would kill her. But I knew that Yolanda would be strong for me. That’s who Yolanda is. Strong. Dutch strong. Of all the experiences Yolanda and I have had in thirteen years, they were just training wheels for what was to come. People close to Yolanda have a saying, “What would Yolanda do?” Yolanda always has the answers whether it’s about boyfriends, husbands, health, decorating, children … Everything. She just always does everything right.