Believe Me

by Yolanda Hadid

  I was like a spaz, running around Santa Barbara, and Yolanda was the rock. Yolanda and I had coffee Monday through Friday for four years straight at Starbucks in Santa Barbara after we dropped our children off at elementary school. Then we would have our favorite lunch together (goat cheese salad). Then sometimes we would have dinner together at her house with all the children (chicken and pesto pasta). We spent hours every day solving the world’s problems. Well, mostly Yolanda solving the world’s problems. I was busy smoking cigarettes. We have been thick as thieves ever since.

  Yolanda is like the big sister. She’s more mature. You want all of her clothes. She makes better decisions; you don’t always agree with her. She’s there for every holiday, she will defend your honor, she knows what’s best for you and in a crisis … she is there. Just like a sister. When I had my diaphragm-pacing surgery, I was in the recovery room near dead with a collapsed lung and Yolanda comes running through the door to be by my side. The next thing she did was open her purse, take out her makeup bag, and do my makeup. She wasn’t going to let me die ugly.

  After I got sick, Yolanda and I would talk all the time and I would tell her everything: I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m getting weaker, I can’t move my legs, I just took four oxycodone, I just fell on the bathroom floor and smashed my face, etc. I told her the truth. When I would ask her how she was, she would always say, “I’m great.” But as the months rolled by, I could sense a change in her voice. I would still ask her how she was and she would still say that she was great. She never complained about anything in her life because she knew that nothing compared to what I was going through. Until she got sick. I didn’t even know that Yolanda was sick because she never told me. She sat in bed month after month staring at the ceiling while Lyme was ravishing her brain, but she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to burden me.

  But now that I know she is sick and I am okay with it, it’s all we ever talk about. We decided we are going to get through this together. We talk about juicing, the value of turmeric, how hard it is to find kale in Paris, stem cells, brain barriers, mitochondrial supplements, flax seeds, hyperbaric chambers, oxygen therapy, and anything else regarding our diseases. After that we talk about our children. After that we talk about our Davids. After that, we laugh. We always laugh and say, “WTF. How did we go from two healthy Santa Barbara girls raising our children, loving our Davids, excited about our futures to two Santa Barbara girls sick as dogs and unable to get out of bed? As usual, Yolanda has all the answers. She knows that it is her mission and responsibility to find a cure for Lyme disease. All you Lyme sufferers are lucky to have her on your team because she will not stop until she finds a cure. It never once crossed my mind to find a cure for ALS. I am only now realizing from all of you that maybe, just maybe, I could help other people with or without ALS through my blog and my book by inspiring you all to live the day with eyes wide open and to the fullest. Yolanda knew the purpose of her disease from the get-go.

  You know in your worst nightmares the thought crosses your mind about who will take care of your child if you passed away? For me, it’s a reality. I actually really had to think: Who will take care of Gracie like their own child? Who will nurture Gracie? Who will guide Gracie? Who will steer Gracie straight if she gets out of line? Who will make sure she has a successful life and makes the right choices? Who will hug her and be the shoulder that Gracie cries on? Who will raise Gracie with ethics and morals? Who will tell Gracie how much I loved her? Who will tell Gracie how wonderful her mother was? Who will replace me? That person is Yogi (and my sister, of course). This is not an easy question to ask of a friend. But Yolanda didn’t hesitate and said of course she would take care of my Gracie as her own. She will just put Gracie in her line of ducks. Gigi, Bella, Anwar, and Gracie. I believe her and trust her. So knowing how much I love Gracie and knowing how judgmental I am, now you can see the kind of respect I have for Yolanda. This is the person I choose to take care of my daughter with all of the love that I would. So you see, even though I have ALS, I am lucky because I have Yogi.

  January 11 is my birthday. I just want the day to go by quietly, without any fanfare. In the past four years, I have not really wanted to celebrate anything having to do with myself. Birthdays just don’t matter anymore. All I want is my health and the ability to get out of bed in the morning pain free and with energy to make it through my day. Celebrations feel like a waste of my precious energy. But I want to express my love and gratitude to my best girlfriends, so I have a small lunch at Spago. Despite my initial hesitation, it makes me incredibly happy to look around the table and see my die-hard inner circle, the people who are by my side through the good and bad times, especially these past four years. Some of these women have been in my life for decades; some are new friends. One of the many lessons I’ve learned on this journey is that friendship isn’t about whom you’ve known the longest, it’s about who comes and never leaves your side. I used to think that I needed a lot of friends to feel loved. Now I know that if you have one or two, you are good; any more than that, and you are great. I’m a very blessed and lucky girl to have my table of eight.

  January 11, 2016

  Celebrating endings, for they precede new beginnings.

  All I wish for today is a chance at a healthy life

  without counting spoons so that I can continue my

  quest in finding a CURE for #LymeDisease affordable for ALL.

  #MyBirthdayWish #InvisibleDisease #ChronicLymeDiseaseAwareness

  I still can barely make it out of the house. I can’t last long in any social setting before my body starts to sweat, my hands start to tremble, and my limited brain function completely shuts down. Going out isn’t worth the stress it puts on me, so by trial and error I learn to conserve my energy. I am patiently resigned to and tapped into survival mode. I resolve to live as I am and have grown used to a life on the sidelines. I’m proud of all the extreme obstacles my body has lived through and find a new appreciation for the rest and isolation it needs to continue to heal.

  It’s toward the end of the season when we tape the reunion show. I feel better than I did at last year’s reunion but I am still isolated and choose to stay away from the everyday drama of life outside in the world. I don’t really want to talk about the divorce or my illness. But of course, both these issues come up. Some of the women have the nerve to say “Maybe it’s depression” or “Maybe it’s menopause.” Are you kidding? This is a full-time job. Depression and menopause are obviously the first things we looked at! They clearly don’t get it.

  When one of the women says that I use my illness “as a shield and a pass to not be accountable,” my dear friend Erika sets her straight with exactly how I feel. “Why wouldn’t she want to see her two daughters absolutely dominate Fashion Week in Paris right now and sit front row?” Erika asks. “Who wants to stay in a bathrobe?” Exactly! What I also still don’t understand is why these women choose to talk about this on national TV. They could have chosen to come to me and ask questions. But of course that would not make for good TV or help their story line along. Clearly, the actions of some are based on being the center of attention, the more drama they make, the more camera time they get. One of the women claimed that another one said “There goes our story line” when someone suggested that they support me rather than tear me down.

  In order to protect myself, I have to rise above it all and I am able to because I am living in truth. Nevertheless, it is a painful experience to see a bunch of desperate adult women run over dead bodies to get what they think is a great show. Money, greed, and fame are ugly things and this is a very good example of when integrity and compassion for others should come first. Anyway, I must stay focused on what is in front of me.

  When I see Dr. Klinghardt at this time, he explains that working on one’s emotional health is 50 percent of the healing pie.

  “Fifty percent? That’s amazing. I better get to work,” I joke with him. I guess that traumatic and
stressful events from the past or present and strong emotional feelings are held in the body. He says that over time, this can slowly damage the gut and immune system and trigger inflammatory conditions like autoimmune diseases and various types of arthritis. To facilitate my emotional healing, Dr. Klinghardt offers to organize a family-constellation session for me. Although I’ve never been a big fan of therapy, I struggled these past few years with the ability to articulate problems that have occurred during this journey. I also trust Dr. Klinghardt’s opinion and have no reservations about revealing anything from my past or the present. At this point, I’m down to the bare bones of myself and am ready to attack and deal with anything that can potentially block my healing. Anwar, who is here for his checkup as well, encourages me to do the family constellation, so I say yes.

  In this alternative form of therapy, you look at family members and dynamics in order to uncover stressors and/or heal trauma from your past. In this session, I’m with a group of people who are not related to me—in fact, I don’t even know most of them. But each one represents a family member from my life who has caused difficulties or issues. There is also one person who represents me. It’s interesting for the different people from my life to be placed in front of me. Seeing myself played by strangers and having them express the tremendous life-changing loss I suffered as a young girl when my father died is fascinating and resonates deep within me. The sense of abandonment I felt then is very similar to the feeling I have now around David. This is clearly a stressor that I need to pay attention to when choosing the next man in my life. Overall, it is a great and bonding experience for me and Anwar. It’s beautiful to see my son get a deeper understanding of the family dynamics of my childhood. His love and compassion for me as a human being is heartwarming, and I’m grateful that the universe provided this opportunity at this moment in time.

  January 17, 2016

  Just because some people are done with your journey doesn’t mean your journey is done.

  #AnotherWastedSaturday #LifeFromTheSideLines #Spoonie

  #LymeDiseaseAwareness #DeterminedToFindACure #AffordableForAll

  PS: Bad selfie day.

  Back in L.A. and back on my Klinghardt protocol. Although this is part of the life I’ve grown accustomed to, it’s probably hard for anyone to imagine what it is like to get shots and IV’s five days of the week. Friends often ask how I stay motivated but the truth is that even on a bad day the little voice inside me never gives up on wanting to live for my kids, and my determination to find a cure is driven by my fear of a debilitated life for my children, their children, and all the children in the world.

  Nobody deserves to suffer this way. So even though I’m following specific protocols now, I never stop contemplating my next move. Even though I was raised in a country where marijuana was legal, I never cared to smoke it. But today I’ve become educated about the benefits of this powerful plant. I meet Dr. Allan Frankel, an internist who specializes in pain management using CBD oils. His insight is extremely enlightening and I start using his CBD oil in a spray formula. To treat my insomnia, I spritz a couple of sprays under my tongue before I go to sleep. CBD is a compound in marijuana that supposedly doesn’t have the side effects of the better-known chemical THC, and I find its anti-inflammatory and chronic-pain-relieving benefits extremely helpful in treating many of my symptoms.

  I am dead-centered on my path of knowledge and truth, and have a deep thirst to understand the purpose of my journey, but I realize that this wisdom can’t be found in a book or any set way of thinking. The ultimate understanding is based on silent awareness and a connection to the higher power. So while the outside world is judging me and my journey, I’m living in the light, where I feel safe, protected, and inspired by the possible results of all my hard work. Within my bubble, I contemplate a healthy and functioning future permeated by my love for my children and a sense of responsibility and devotion to all my fellow warriors out in the world. Sharing treatments and snippets of my life with the public is the easy part, although I view the judgment without empathy in today’s social media culture as a dangerous combination.

  My diet is another important piece of the healing puzzle. I never used to eat organic before I got sick, because I grew up in a place and time where I thought everything was organic. I also never imagined that a government would allow our food to be covered in poisons that will slowly shut down our immune systems. I guess I’m really naïve when it comes to those things, because I still don’t understand how the FDA won’t approve something as simple as ozone therapy, which is healing, yet allow pesticides to be sprayed on our vegetables and have antibiotics plus growth hormones injected into cows, which then poison the steaks we eat and feed our children. What about the waste toxins in the sea that poison our fish and the chemtrails that poison our air? It feels like a vicious cycle that is very hard to understand for a farm girl like me, but I do know that we collectively need to take a hard look at this picture. I find it overwhelming that organic food is so expensive and not affordable for most people, so if you don’t have a little piece of dirt where you can grow your own vegetables, healthy eating becomes a real challenge and almost impossible. This is an absolute crime, but that is the subject of a whole other book. Anyway to get back on track, diet is important. I’ve learned that some foods severely affect my energy levels and pain syndrome, so by now I am convinced that “food is definitely thy medicine” for many of the simpler ailments so many of us suffer from. This is why I’m always trying new diets. At the beginning of February, I start a two-week detox diet that includes eating anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, energizing, and immune-building foods. The first week, I consume more than thirty-five different vegetables and fourteen types of beans, nuts, and seeds. I cannot have coffee or dairy, which I miss. It may sound cliché, but you really are what you eat, especially for those of us who battle chronic disease and pain, and following the detox diet relieves some of my symptoms. It definitely takes the fatigue, joint pain, and inflammation down a notch. It almost feels like the less I eat, the better I feel.

  During this time, I go to New York for a week to spend time with my girls. I also have meetings with my friend and literary agent, Jan Miller from Dupree Miller. She is taking me to see different publishing companies about writing a book. I’m not sure if I am ready yet but I know I need to start thinking about it. It’s important to share my story and what I’ve learned along the way. Also, a very exciting moment is finally here: I am able to sit front row to see Gigi and twenty other beautiful models strut down the runway for Tommy Hilfiger. What an incredible moment. My girls have taken the fashion world by storm, and I haven’t been able to be part of any of it.

  Overall, this is a good test run out in the real world, but it’s also a reminder that I still don’t have the stamina I hoped for. It’s an exhausting week but so good for my soul. Even though I carefully count my spoons, I have to decline most of my girls’ exciting invitations in order to keep my business obligations. Besides the meetings with publishers, I have to appear on Watch What Happens Live. I’m physically starting to look better—especially with a pound of makeup—and although my brain function is far from perfect, I feel better than I did when I appeared on the show last year, when I couldn’t talk at all. Andy’s other guest is the charming and witty Craig Ferguson, who, without knowing it, helps get me through. Viewers ask questions about my castmates’ ignorance, my illness, and why I changed my last name since separating from David. It’s interesting that people care to ask something that seems so personal to me. The answer is: I never dropped or stopped using the name “Hadid” when I married David. Although the Housewives identifies me as “Yolanda Foster,” my legal name on my passport is actually “Yolanda Hadid Foster.” I never even changed my credit cards or my driver’s license for that matter. Now that David and I are getting divorced, I wanted to drop both of my married names and go back to my maiden name, Yolanda van Den Herik. I like that idea but my children are against it and feel s
trongly that I keep “Hadid” so that the four of us maintain a unified identify. For me, it’s about respecting our family unit, and if this feels right to them and makes them happy, that’s really all that matters.

  March 2, 2016

  It’s been a humbling experience to learn that most people don’t understand invisible disease because they can’t actually see the sickness on one’s skin. Spiritually shaming those suffering from invisible chronic illnesses is something we really need to take a look at with compassion.

  Although the whole Munchausen controversy is still front and center in the public eye, I’m done with it. Why let insincere and false gossip rock my world when I need to direct my energy toward healing and staying on a path of gratitude? I know the truth and what I stand for, and so does anyone who truly knows me and matters to me. Back at home in Los Angeles, I focus on the next chapters in my journey: another dental surgery and my tonsillectomy.

  Root canals are definitely something to pay attention to because even when the nerve from your tooth is removed and filled with latex, bacteria can still set up camp in these canals and leak toxins into the rest of your body. This might not be a problem for healthy people with robust immune systems, but for those of us with chronic conditions like Lyme, such infections can get in the way of our recovery. X-rays also confirm that I have severe cavitations just like Dr. Klinghardt told me. He wants me to go to Switzerland to have my teeth fixed because the best biological dentist lives there. Yet I don’t feel strong enough to fly to Europe and be away from home again, so Daisy finds Dr. Moldovan, who is going to remove my six root canals and crowns and also debride the cavitations in my jawbone in a surgery that takes eight hours.

  She uses ozone and plasma-rich growth factor (PRGF) to regenerate bone and soft tissue and help with healing. In three to six months when the posts settle, they will be attached to new crowns, also made of zirconium but in the meantime I go home from this procedure with a mouthful of temporaries. The biggest lesson here? Ask questions. Look at everything you put in your mouth, or any other part of your body, for that matter. Again, we can’t blindly trust authority to guide us, and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. Any foreign object will create some sort of autoimmune response. In a healthy person, that response usually dissipates. Yet for someone struggling on every little level in terms of health, this can be a huge problem.