Worthy

by Ryan, Syd

  When we arrive at my apartment, everything seems normal. Regan comes with me to pick up my mail, in case Doug comes out of the woodwork.

  “Girls, stay out here until I do a walkthrough,” Grayson says. We both nod, and I hand him my key.

  After Grayson completes the walkthrough, he says, “Everything seems to be in place. Jamie, you can double check.” I walk through the apartment, and everything appears to be in order.

  “Okay guys it’s getting late, you can go ahead and go.”

  Regan straightens up her posture, about to go into beast mode. It’s cute, though I would never tell her that. “If even the least little bit of noise makes you uncomfortable, I want to hear about it immediately. If you don’t feel safe, it is more than OK for you to leave. Call me, Grayson, Chris, or Gavin, and we will be here in a hot minute. I know you don’t feel like you need a babysitter, but until the situation is resolved, keep checking in with us. I have a lot going on, and I can’t be worrying about something happening to you. Promise me, James.”

  I make a mental note to ask her later what is going on with her. Grayson looked like he was surprised at that statement. He appears to have not clue about what she has going on. “Promise.”

  “I’m off work tomorrow, but I have to go to my mandated anger management session.”

  Regan smiles, trying not to laugh her ass off.

  “Okay, enough guys. Goodnight.”

  The quietness of the apartment hits me like a ton of bricks. I do another walkthrough, checking closets and drawers. The fact that my apartment still looks unlived in is beginning to bother me. I’m desperate for a place where I feel at home, and this apartment has never provided that for me. I felt more at home at Gavin’s house than I do here. But I made the decision to return here. Gavin and I are from different worlds, and his is much better than mine. I need to remind myself of that more often, keeping the distance between us.

  I take a shower and turn the heat up to the highest setting I can tolerate to get the filth of the E.R. off me. I remain in the shower until the hot water is spent; in an apartment building that doesn’t take long at all. I run a comb through this hot mess of hair, and that is the extent of my beautification for the evening. I lotion up my body and put on a cami and bed shorts, ready to call it a night. It’s already one o’clock in the morning. I crawl into bed and turn on another mindless episode of Criminal Minds, trying to go to sleep. The situation with Doug has me so restless.

  My cell phone begins to ring. I doubt it is Grayson and Regan since they left recently.

  It’s Gavin. “Hey, I was calling to make sure everything is OK with the apartment.” I appreciate him wanting to check on me, but he needs to understand distance and boundaries.

  “Now you knew Grayson was going to be checking it out for me.” I hope he gets the picture and gives me some space.

  “I needed to know that you were okay. I feel better now that I have talked to you.”

  “Since you are on the phone, I’ve been thinking about something since Grayson and Regan left. Do you know a security guy who can do a walkthrough in my apartment? I’m freaked out wondering if there are bugs or hidden cameras. I can’t stand the thought of Doug seeing me naked.”

  “I can’t stand the thought of Doug seeing you naked, being around you, or...fuck...even thinking about you. I want to break him into pieces. I will call someone in the morning. In the meantime, if you need anything let me know. I will text you once I know who will be coming and at what time. I will send you a picture of the guy who will be doing the service call.”

  “Thanks for everything, Gavin. I really appreciate everything you have done for me.”

  “I will see you tomorrow evening. Don’t forget anger management session number two. Goodnight, sweet cheeks.’’

  “Goodnight, Gav.” I chuckle. I feel a lot better than I did before his call. I fall asleep and have a restless night.

  Chapter 15

  Sleep was not my best friend last night; I would even call it a bitch. After tossing and turning most of the night, I finally get out of bed at 10:00 a.m. The last time I looked at the clock, it was around 4:00 a.m. I hope this is not a pattern. I can handle a lot of things, but add in a lack of sleep and I become close to the definition of crazy. At least I own it. The apartment is putting me off, living here in this chaos. Hopefully, Doug will be dealt with soon.

  I don’t have anything planned today except for the anger management session. Unfortunately, McKenzie and Madison have not bitten the dust yet. I’m sure they are close to the breaking point. I have managed to stay clear of them but, eventually, the confrontation is going to happen. I hope it happens away from work and, for their safety, it had better not be at a bar. Me plus liquor equals a crazy outcome.

  I know a couple of nurses who work as recruiters; I’m going to contact them and see if they can get these hateful bitches out of town. I will send them to Alaska if I have my way. I would trick them with hot mountain men and beautiful cabins. Once they arrived, they would live in a shithole, where they’d be stuck for twenty weeks. I am delighted with my new plan; the evil is coming out in full force.

  Thinking about Madison and McKenzie took up about ten minutes of my day, and I need to find something productive to do until the anger management session. I decide to tackle my bills. God knows I’m not about to unpack this apartment. It has been a while since I looked at my lease. I want to see how soon I can get out of it without losing a bunch of money out of my ass.

  It turns out I can move out in ninety days without penalty. If I find any hidden cameras or bugs, I’ll leave sooner and fight it out in court.

  I spend another hour paying bills; it sucks to be “adulting.” Then I check my email. I have an email from my mom. Anytime the name Jodi Jenkins is in the inbox, your day is fucked up. Going forward I will open her emails on the days I’m working, so my days off won’t be ruined. The email is like a list of demands from a kidnapper. Once again, she is seeking money. She felt insulted because I contacted her landlord about paying him directly. I already don’t want to send her money, and I will be damned if she gets to keep it for herself.

  I write her back telling her that I am not an ATM. I will not send her money until I have contact with my sister Julia. I need to know what is going on in that house. After speaking with Julia, I will decide what to do. Julia is sixteen, and I know she will keep it real.

  My mom tried to trick me by creating a fake email account, but I am one step ahead of her. She thinks that I will not open the email if it is coming from her. Julia has a social media account; I will contact her that way.

  I feel like a shitty sister. I know my parents discarded me like a piece of trash, but it doesn’t justify the way I have abandoned my siblings. Once I turned eighteen, I could have sought them out. But I wanted to live my life for me. I’d spent a lot of years taking care of them, and I deserved a break. At least that is what I told myself. The problem is that I spent four years too long taking a break. I send Julia a message, hoping she will respond but not expecting it.

  I miss them so much. I hoped my parents would step up to the plate, but the few emails I’ve gotten from my mom say otherwise, and I have not heard from my dad at all. I would give anything to get an email from Julian Jenkins. I want an email asking me to come home and telling me how much he’s missed me and that he’s proud of me for getting my nursing license. I would do anything to curl up to my dad on the couch and watch a baseball game with him. He used to look at the game and rub my back. I loved cuddling with him; it was some of the best times I had as a kid.

  I want him to admit that he made a terrible mistake leaving me here with nothing. Maybe they felt like they were giving me a life but, all these years later, they’re looking for me for all the wrong reasons.

  Before I know it, it’s a few hours later. I should have expected it. Any time I think about my family, I get lost in my thoughts. I worry about what they are eating, whether they have the electricity turned on, and
if the kids have shoes on their feet and have been going to school. These thoughts run wild in my head. I just need to give Julia time to get back to me and put some of these worries to rest.

  My life isn’t stable enough to have them here. I have thought about it plenty of times, but taking care of five kids by myself would be too much. I would need a lot more support than I have. My best friend doesn’t even know that they exist, and Gavin and I are not at that point and never will be. I’m not the girl for him. He deserves more than I can ever give him.

  I spend the rest of the afternoon tidying up the apartment. Ryan, the security officer Gavin contacted, texts me letting me know he’s running about twenty minutes late. That means I won’t have enough time to get ready for my session after he leaves, so I decide to go ahead and get dressed. I quickly shower again—cleaning the bathroom left me feeling grimy on a whole new level—and put on a long strapless floral maxi dress, wedge heels, hoop earrings, and some bangles. I will use a clutch as my purse. My makeup will be light, making sure not to take away from the dress.

  My hair is always a wild card based on the temperature outside. The hotter it is, the wilder the frizz is. I love my curls, but sometimes I wish they were easier to manage. I decide to leave my hair down because I suspect Gavin likes it that way, based on the way he puts his hands in it.

  As I’m putting on my jewelry, the doorbell rings and, looking through the peephole, I confirm it is Ryan. Gavin sent a picture as promised. I let Ryan in and explain my concerns and what I’m looking for in my apartment. He agrees and quickly gets to work.

  I check my social media accounts, and there is still no response from Julia. Ryan thoroughly inspects every inch of the apartment. I hear him moving things around in the kitchen and the spare bedroom I use as a closet. “All done, ma’am.”

  “Please, I consider myself way too young for ma’am. Call me Jamie. Ma’am is for women over fifty.”

  Ryan chuckles “I’m sorry, I didn’t find anything. If you feel you need a recheck or have any questions, here is my card.” He hands me his business card.

  “I’m not sorry, I didn’t want you to find anything. I was getting creeped out changing my clothes thinking he could be watching me.”

  “I put my cell number on the back of my card, in case you need help with anything. Jamie, I mean anything at all. I could be of great service to you.” Ryan is a good-looking guy. He is about six feet tall and approximately 185 pounds with a medium build. His body reminds me of a runner or a swimmer.

  I think he is offering to fuck me. I usually enjoy these offers, and sometimes I take advantage of them, but today I’m offended. Does he think I can’t find dick? I’m the queen of one and done; I can give him a run for his money. I determine the when and why of my sexual activities, and I don’t need any pity fucks. I think I just met my equal, the male version of myself.

  I get myself together and head out to my Trailblazer. I’m leaving early to stop and get some drinks for Gavin and myself before the group starts. Stopping at Starbucks, you have to plan ahead, even in the afternoon. The line is long enough for me to commit to an anger management class permanently. And I have no patience for shitty drive-through attendants. Starbucks takes sixteen minutes of my life I’ll never get back. The rest of the drive to the hospital is uneventful, and my nerves began to settle at the prospect of seeing Gavin again.

  I pick a seat between Brad the hockey player and Avery the traffic ticket guy. Gavin has not graced us with his presence yet.

  “Hey guys...what’s up?” I ask.

  “I’m ready to get this class done,” Brad says. “I’m more than ready to be back to playing field hockey. My team is down two losses.”

  “Do you have to wait until the entire class is done before you go back and play?”

  “No...I would go nuts,” Brad says. “I would have to quit the team. Gavin is allowing me to attend three classes and do three sessions.”

  “That’s cool. Damn, you will be back to playing soon enough.”

  “How about...you go with me to watch the game I’m missing this week, and if it works out you can come and watch one of the games I play.” I don’t have the chance to respond.

  “Jamie. Can I speak to you outside?” I can see Gavin is pissed. I was so caught up talking to Brad that I missed seeing him coming into the room. “We will be starting in a few minutes,” Gavin says.

  I follow him out of the room. “What was that all about?” I say.

  Gavin runs his fingers through his hair, showing he is frustrated. “Nothing.” He shakes his head. Gavin can’t admit to me that he’s jealous because he knows I will push him further away. Of course that is precisely how I would handle the situation.

  “I spoke with the security company, it was all clear. He offered to go back and follow up if you are feeling uneasy next week.”

  “Gavin, I doubt that will be necessary. He is offering because he wants me to call him over and allow him to fuck me.”

  Gavin's fists are clenched at his sides. “I can get another company to come out.”

  “Thanks, I will keep that in mind.” I put my hand over his and rub it gently. I see the stress leave his body quickly. “Maybe you need some anger management yourself, Mr. Rodgers.” Gavin smiles.

  We return to the group and receive a few stares from the others. Kristina glares at me. Maybe she needs the anger management as more than a school requirement. I think she has a little crush on Gavin, or a big one. Gavin takes control of the room and group starts.

  The focus of today’s session is “triggers.” Gavin explains what triggers are and goes around the room having us explain some of our triggers. Dan’s triggers are liars, whores, and drunk people. I hear chuckling throughout the room. Abby’s triggers are liars, fake people, and man-whores. The chuckling rises to a new level. Kristina shares her triggers: lying coworkers, lazy workers, and people playing dumb. Adam refuses to share. I didn’t expect anything different since he is in denial about hurting his girlfriend. Avery’s triggers are war, the economy, and the government. I notice his detachment in not choosing personal ones. Jason lists things that are related to his hospital work. Jose rattles them off and speaks Spanish so fast no one in the room gets them. Brad’s triggers are all related to hockey. I share my triggers: mean girls, parents who abandon their children, and the parking authority of Tampa. That gets Avery and Aiden going off about the parking authority, and Gavin has to stop it before it gets out of hand.

  “Gavin, feel free to share your triggers with us. I’m sure you don’t have to think too hard about that one.” I say to Gavin to agitate him.

  “My triggers are assholes, referees, and girls who won’t stay safe when they have a stalker.” Gavin got me on that one.

  The remainder of the session is uneventful. Two sessions down, four to go. I grab my clutch to head out, and Gavin stops me. “Are you okay going home?”

  “Umm...I managed to make it here.”

  “Jamie, don’t fuck with me. I have had enough for one day. I know you have a stalker on the loose. I watched a guy ask you out with his tongue practically hanging out of his mouth. The man I sent to check your apartment wants to fuck you senseless. I don’t know how much more I can handle.”

  I can’t help but be flattered by his jealousy and concern for me. “The plan is to go home, take a relaxing bath, drink some wine, and do some reading tonight.”

  “Call me if you think anything is out of the ordinary.”

  “I will do that, and I will call or text you when I get home.”

  Gavin smiles, and I know he feels better about the situation.

  The rest of the group has already left, leaving Gavin and me alone in the room. He reaches around me and shuts the door.

  “What...”

  He backs me up against the wall, and I don’t stop him. He spreads my thighs apart and presses himself up against my sex. He lifts my chin and our eyes meet. I clutch his shirt, holding on for dear life. He brushes his lips across mi
ne, and our tongues meet, and we instantaneously have a kiss of epic proportions. We are going back and forth trying to control the kiss not wanting to moment to end. I end the kiss feeling breathless.

  “I have wanted to do that all day, Jamie.”

  “I’m glad that worked out for you.” I laugh.

  “I’ll walk you to your car.” Gavin walks me out of the conference room with his hand on my lower back. I allow him to have that, but he needs to remember he doesn’t own me. I do what I want when I want, and I fuck who I want.

  The only problem I can see is how easy it would be to give in to Gavin. Once again, I am reminded of the distance that we need to keep between us. He makes me lose my focus, and I’m pretty sure that is not a good thing.

  Do you ever just get the feeling something is off? When I get home and step out of the car, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I check out my surroundings and nothing looks out of the ordinary, but the feeling is still present. I look in the direction of Doug’s apartment and don’t see him. I see his car is parked at a different apartment building. Hopefully, I’m wrong and that is not his car at all. I want to check my mail, but leaving it for another day won’t hurt.

  I quickly get inside my apartment and lock it. I take a deep breath trying to center myself. Getting myself worked up would get me nowhere. I drop my clutch on the table and remove my heels. For a second, I take in the relief the carpet gives me. I walk through my apartment, and everything is in its place. The windows are still securely locked. I just need to get through the next couple of months, then get the hell out of dodge.

  I make myself a large glass of red wine to relax my nerves. I want a quiet night at home that includes a hot bath and my steamy Kindle. My fridge is bare since I’ve been staying with Gavin, so I decide to order some Chinese takeout. A little quality time with beef fried rice and crab rangoon never hurt anybody. I like quiet but not too quiet, so I turn on the television. My nerves are beginning to settle, and I start the bath water.