Worthy

by Ryan, Syd

  Climbing in hot water never felt any better, and my body is ready for the stress to leave. I close my eyes and I’m almost asleep when my cell phone starts to ring. Fuck, this shit always happens to me. Chris is calling me. I want to ignore it, but I answer because I have not spoken to him in a few days. “Hey, Chris?”

  “Hey, good looking, what you got cooking?”

  “Not shit, breakfast is my thing and it’s too late for that situation. What’s up?”

  “I had to hear about you through Grayson, so I decided to call and check in with you myself.”

  “No complaints here.”

  “Such a giver of information, Jamie. Want to go out to dinner tomorrow night, have some drinks? On me?”

  “Dinner sounds great, but I have to work in the morning, so we can’t be out late.”

  “I will pick you up at seven o’clock.”

  “See you then.” Hanging up the phone, I hope Chris gets that we are friends with benefits, nothing more. Chris is cool and a lot of fun, but that is pretty much all there is to him. Chris is like a man-child. I already helped raise kids, and I’m certainly not about to raise an adult one.

  The rest of my night is calming. I enjoy excellent Chinese food, wine, and a hot steamy romance by Alexis Angel. Alexis writes sex better than anybody I have ever read. When you read her books, you have to have a Kindle in one hand and your trusty vibrator in the other.

  I reread one of her first books, Client Number 5. The book is 90 percent sex, reminding me of my early days being a phone sex operator. I didn’t get the happily ever after in Client Number 5, but I did get a trusting permanent client. A customer I still do a phone call with once a month in exchange for a case of wine from the Napa Valley. I receive the wine, and then I do the call. A call that ends in a quick eruption if you get my point.

  Chapter 16

  Getting up and ready for the day, I feel refreshed. The multiple times I came last night helped. I prefer to get my orgasms riding a cock, but sometimes a girl just has to settle. I start the Keurig, picking a random flavor out of my collection. Coffee is like sex, I like variety. I surf my social media accounts, mainly to make sure Madison and McKenzie are leaving Regan alone. Regan posted a cute picture of herself with Grayson. The love absolutely radiates from them. I hit the “love” button. I make a mental note to check in with Regan today; we need to have some girl talk.

  The “refresh” button on my browser must be getting tired of being clicked; God knows I’m sick of waiting for Julia to contact me. I hope she is not so mad at me that she doesn’t reply. But now, when I open the app, I see a message from her. She responded at 5:00 a.m.

  Jamie,

  Morning... Today I’m filling the role that you left behind, by getting the kids up for school. They haven’t changed since you moved. The utilities are barely on, and we are hitting up every food pantry in the city and the surrounding area. Mom lays in bed most of the time until she runs out of meds. I think Dad is cheating on her, he has been leaving for days at a time. Where are you living? According to the profile, it says Tampa. I would love to see the beach, I don’t remember what it looks like. I’m so tired. I go to school and work a part-time job after school, and Mom takes most of my money. Why are you just now looking for us when you seemed not to give a shit before? You didn’t give a fuck before...do not start now.

  Tears come down my face as I read the message over and over. What in the fuck have I done? I’ve left them there for six years. They deserve better than this. Damn, I deserve better than this. I know what it must look like to them: I abandoned them. They have been waiting for me to come, but I didn’t save them. I have left them with the horrible people known as our parents. What type of person does that? I know that, as the shitty sister, there is no way I can explain this that can make them feel any better. I have no doubt the parents told them a different story as to why I’ve been gone. They probably didn’t say that they left me in a house with nothing and no one.

  I text Chris, telling him I have to reschedule for tomorrow night. I am nowhere close to being in the correct mindset to go out to dinner. Chris is so easygoing he doesn’t give me a hard time about it. I look at the clock and 10:00 a.m. is staring at me. It’s wine time somewhere; drinking time starts now. I make myself a large glass, climb onto the couch, and cover myself with a blanket. Julia’s message keeps going through my head over and over. I don’t know how to respond. The tears keep flowing. I didn’t deserve the shitty hand I was dealt, and neither did my brothers and sisters.

  I hear the doorbell during the self-pity party I’m throwing myself. I don’t want to answer it, but the visitor seems persistent. I look through the peephole, and fuck...it’s Gavin. Why is he not at work? I feel like a fucking hot mess. As if I haven’t dealt with enough this morning, I’m going to have to deal with him.

  Opening the door, I hear “Christ, Jamie, I thought something happened to you.” Gavin tilts my chin up. “What is going on? Did something happen? I want some answers. Tell me that wine is from last night.” He walks in and picks it up. “Certainly doesn’t feel like it.” He walks into my kitchen and pours it down the drain.

  “What the hell, Gavin?”

  His posture stiffens, his hands in fists at his side. “Jamie, you need to start talking now.”

  The tears settle in again, and a few fall down my cheeks. I know he needs answers, but I’m nowhere near ready to tell him about my family. I just can’t handle it today of all days. He is going to have to respect that or leave, because that is the best I can do today. “Okay, this has nothing to do with Doug. So you can let that go for the moment. Gavin, I need you to listen to me. I got an email that upset me very much. I can’t go into with you because I can’t handle it today. I need you to accept that. If you can’t, then you have to go. I’m having a shit day, and I can’t handle much more.”

  Gavin looks at me, I mean really looks at me. I can tell he wants to say so much, but he holds back. He realizes what I need at the moment isn’t a tongue lashing.

  He hangs his jacket on the coat rack by the door. He’s dressed in a suit, which fits him like a glove in all the right places. He rolls his shirt sleeves up, and his forearms are a complete distraction. He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and dials a number.

  “Craig, I will not be in today. Please have Karmen reschedule my outpatient appointments. I should be back tomorrow, thanks for the understanding.” Craig, his boss, is the director of psych services at Tampa General. Craig umpired college baseball on the side, and Gavin loves baseball, so they have a thriving bromance.

  Craig has the body of a linebacker but is a teddy bear on the inside. He spends his lunch hours turning down the offers of women at Tampa General. But Craig is happily married to Angie, who works in an on-campus doctor’s office. Lunch is always enjoyable when Angie joins him; she has a look that women fear. I enjoy watching the women scatter.

  “What are you doing, Gavin?”

  “I’m doing exactly what you need me to do. I’m going to stay here with you today.”

  “There is no need for you to miss work, I will be alright.”

  Gavin sits on the couch. “Come here, Jamie.” I sit on the sofa, and he moves me closer to his chest and wraps his arms around me. “I’m going to sit here and hold you all day. I will not ask you any questions, but I will be here for you. Understand this...Jamie, this is a discussion we will have at a later time.” Gavin’s arms around me are exactly what I needed and wanted. A few more tears are shed, and he wipes them away with his thumb. I don’t deserve his kindness, but for today I’m going to take all that he is willing to give me without any expectations.

  I drift off for a few hours. When I wake up Gavin is sprawled out on the couch and his head is in an odd position. But he looks just as hot as ever. I want to sit on his lap and ride him like a horse. The time for that isn’t now; adding sex to the mix is the last thing we both need.

  “Gavin, wake up.” I nudge him a little. He opens his eyes; I
love his sleepy eyes. “Your neck is going hurt like hell tomorrow if we don’t get you more comfortable.”

  “Do you want to watch something on Netflix?”

  “That works for me, I need to get up anyway, or I will not sleep tonight.”

  The rest of the day is peaceful. We order some takeout and, before we know it, we have watched three movies. Gavin doesn’t complain once. I stopped the wine drinking; I could see the worry in his eyes about my drinking at ten o’clock in the morning. He has kept his word and hasn’t asked me what’s going on. I hope he doesn’t talk to Regan about it; her interrogation would be much harder to fight off.

  I could easily keep Gavin with me all night, but I need to maintain a little bit of distance. My sex drive knows only one thing; she wants to ride Gavin like a crazy bull. I have to give Gavin plenty of reassurance before he’ll leave. Finally, he leaves reluctantly.

  I didn’t expect to spend my day the way I did, and today I felt something I haven't felt in many years. Today, I was a priority. I was taken care of and my needs were met.

  I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my response to Julia. I don’t know how to go forward with this situation. I can’t swoop in and take my siblings out of there. Yes, things are crappy, but not enough to remove the kids. I have seen a lot in the emergency room and, unless it is horrific, Children Services will do nothing.

  The email I send to my mom requires no thought. Once again, I am calling her out on her shit. My plan is to send Julia some gift cards for food, and I will pay for a couple of the utilities. I will let Mom think that Julia is using her check for food. Hopefully, Julia will be able to keep some money in her pocket. My heart broke into pieces after that email. I can’t expect her to understand my side of things because she is living in hell. One day, I hope to earn her forgiveness.

  Chapter 17

  I spend a lot of time shuffling around my bills, trying to send money to the kids. I’m able to make it work for this pay period, but when it comes up again in a few weeks, I will become overtime’s bitch.

  I do not want to go out to dinner with Chris tonight, but I can’t cancel since I did it last night. And maybe getting out of the apartment is a good idea. My mood has been all over the place for the last few days. I know better than to go out drinking. When I’m feeling this way, I can quickly get lost in the alcohol. Alcohol is not a coping skill, even though it is fun—until the hangover the next day. But dinner will be a good diversion.

  My shower is a quick one. I don’t feel like dressing up tonight, but I could tell that Chris wasn’t inviting me out for bar food. My dress for tonight is simple yet elegant; it can go from day to night. I pick out a white Michael Kor’s smocked chiffon white halter dress. It has a high halter neck with a back keyhole and built-in lining. Therefore, no bra is needed.

  My skin has a lovely sun-kissed tan; moisturizer is the key. I wear my best shoes. The reason I had to shuffle my bills around is I’m wearing a pair of Dolce & Gabbana Cinderella embellished transparent pumps. The shoes cost me $1900. Most of my credit cards are filled up from designer shopping and, unfortunately, I don’t have any extra room on them. Regardless, I would do it all over again. The shoes are totally worth it. The critical factor is that I look fucking hot in them. I want guys to be envious of the man fucking me in those heels.

  I pull my hair into a messy bun, leaving a few tendrils out. The weather is in the high nineties, and I have no doubt the humidity will still be up this evening. My earrings are diamond studs, and I added a few bangle bracelets. I use very little makeup; the heat is too much. I can’t handle layers of makeup on my face when it's hot out; add a little sweat, and it looks like a trainwreck.

  I move the essentials into my silver clutch for the night. Chris arrives ten minutes early, which puts my guard up. Chris is always late. After looking through my peephole, I open the door.

  “Fuck, you look hot, Jamie.”

  “I try my best... Christopher. Let me grab my clutch and we can head out.”

  Chris is wearing a blue linen button-down shirt with charcoal-gray slacks. He is very casual so, for him, this is dressing up. His effort doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “Please tell me you are back to driving your own car tonight,” I say. “I can’t take watching you driving your mom’s bumblebee bug.” Chris shakes his head in annoyance.

  Chris is driving his own vehicle, thank God. On the way to the restaurant, he gives me the gossip about the firehouse. He believes that Grayson will be asking Regan to marry him soon. I’m not surprised. Grayson has no problem with being a family man. And as for Regan, while I don’t see myself going in that direction, I wholeheartedly believe in it for my girl. She deserves the best, especially after the crap Jake put her through. I‘m glad Grayson found his fucking balls and fought for her. Of course I had to give it a little push. Well, OK, a big fucking push. I had to put it to him bluntly: find your fucking balls and use them before you don’t have any left. He got the picture quickly, and now he gets endless pussy. I should have a gotten a thank you for that; it’s defintely worth discussing with him next time I see him.

  Chris pulls up to Sergio’s. I wasn’t expecting this at all. The meals are far from cheap here; this restaurant is for date number six or a sugar daddy date. I have been here a couple of times, and the last two times I ate here, I was entertaining the sugar daddy idea. I was short on income and time during nursing school and considered this a perfect solution. I was OK with it, except for the thought of fucking those old men.

  The plan didn’t last long. Instead, I decided to be a phone sex operator two nights a week. My clients were regular, I and still managed to get time off on a Saturday and enjoy an orgasm or two. I faked my orgasm more often than not, but it got the job done.

  Chris opens the door for me. “Jamie, is this OK?” I’m distracted by the history I have with this restaurant. Hopefully, today I will have a better experience. “Chris, this place is pricey. Are you sure?” I don’t want him accruing credit card debt for a “friend with benefits” dinner.

  “Of course, I’m certain.” We walk in and check in with the hostess. “I have a seven-thirty reservation for Thomas.” She grabs a couple of menus, and Chris puts his hand on my lower back as we walk to the table. I look the menu over even though I already know what I’m going to order. “Wine tonight?” Chris asks.

  “I will have a glass with dinner, but I’m not drinking for the purpose of drinking.” Chris arches his eyebrows. Then he orders a bottle of wine, and we both place our orders.

  Dinner arrives quickly, and my mouth is watering just looking at it. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until it reached the table. Chris and I chitchat about our friends and work, and I bring him up to date on the Doug situation.

  “I did want to talk something over with you.”

  “Well, we are talking.” I take a big gulp of wine, already talking myself into having more than one glass with dinner because of the way this conversation is going.

  Gavin walks in with an older gentleman. The night just keeps getting better and better. I move over a bit and keep my head down in hopes that Gavin will not see me. But he walks up to the table. “Harvey, go ahead. I will join you in a minute. I want to talk to Jamie a minute.” His jaw is clenched. “Jamie, good to see you. Please introduce me to your...?”

  Chris is looking at me with a what the fuck is going on expression.

  “Gavin, this is Chris, a friend of mine. He works with Grayson at the firehouse.”

  “So, what brings you out here tonight?”

  “Oh, Chris wanted to take me out to dinner.”

  Chris nods. “So, is this the Gavin that you stayed with for a couple of days? I remember meeting you at the bar one night when I was out with Regan and Grayson.”

  “One and the same,” Gavin says with a fake smile on his face. Chris sits up straighter in his chair.

  It appears to be the start of a pissing contest. I need to put a stop to this before it gets out of h
and; this place is too elegant for me not to be allowed back in. “Gavin, the gentleman is looking over here. I don’t think you should keep him waiting.”

  “Have a good night, Jamie.”

  A couple of minutes of small talk feel like thirty minutes. It’s looking like another shitty experience here at Sergio’s. The food is excellent, the service is adequate, and the restaurant seems like Italy at its best. But things are never that simple.

  “What did you want to talk about?” I ask Chris.

  “I want us to be more, Jamie. We get along great, our sex is phenomenal, and our best friends are a great couple. I have a great job that provides a good income, and I know we would be great together.”

  For fucking crying out loud, his using the word ”great” everywhere is a sign of a problem in itself. Sex is average on a good day, not great. But I have no plans of telling him that. “Chris, I’m not at a place in my life for us to be something more. The reason it is great is that I’m not your girlfriend. If I were your girlfriend, you would be getting rid of my ass quick. When we go out, what are we usually doing?”

  “Drinking at the bar.”

  “Drinking at the bar is being your buddy, not your girlfriend. Believe me, it’s different. I wouldn’t be like one of the guys. Chris, I’m so sorry, but I’m just not there. And our relationship needs to become strictly platonic. No more sex, I don’t want the lines to get blurred. You don’t want me, you deserve better than me. You will find a woman who is worthy of you, Christopher. Looking back at this, you will be thanking me. I’m going to freshen up, I will be back.”

  I had a feeling he was going to push for “more.” The restaurant selection should have been a bell going off. I’m not the woman for him; he deserves a woman who is invested in him. Basically, we drink a lot and have sex—that is the basis of our relationship.