Worthy

by Ryan, Syd

  “I called ahead. It’s our table.”

  “I get it, away from the cooking area and close to the bathrooms.”

  I agree with her because I don’t know what to say or how to say it.

  “Now, that is a bestie having my back.”

  My stomach continues to tighten and roll with anxiety as I get ready to tell a truth I have been hiding for years.

  We talk hospital gossip as we wait for our food, and I allow Regan to do most of the talking. “I’m so glad we got to do this today, how are you feeling?”

  “Today is a better day for me, twelve weeks can’t get here soon enough.”

  “I bet.”

  “Isn’t your car in the shop? How did you get here?” So grateful for the easy conversation, I inhale the water rather than drink it. Our sandwiches arrive at the table.

  “Back to your question, I’m using Gavin’s car.”

  Regan’s eyebrows arch in surprise. “That was really nice of him. He must really trust you if he’s letting you drive his car.”

  “My car should be repaired in no longer than two days. Gold Dust’s feelings will be hurt for sure.”

  Regan shakes her head in disbelief.

  I pick at my food while Regan dives in. You can’t even tell she is sick. I, on the other hand, stare at my food like it has legs. How do you approach a discussion that might end the best relationship you have in your life? Who the fuck knows. I take a sip of water and clear my throat. “Hey, I need to talk to you about something.”

  Regan looks a bit confused now. She puts her food down, reluctant to stop eating. I can only imagine what the end of her pregnancy will be like for her. I pray to God I will be around to see it.

  “What’s going on? You are making me nervous,” Regan says with a little quiver in her voice.

  “There is something I need to tell you. Do you find it odd that we never talk about my family? Or that at graduation, my parents were not around? That I started at a new school halfway through senior year?” I ask Regan in a huge rush of words.

  “I thought your family relocated because of work. When I asked about your parents, you didn’t want to talk about them. I did not want to push it,” Regan says with a hint of sadness.

  “My parents left me in St. Petersburg. We were living there until they left, and Children’s Services moved me to Tampa. They were on the run at the time and are probably still on the run. My mom left me a note telling me how to have the ‘system’ help me. They relocated to Kansas City with my four siblings. I lived with a foster family until graduation and then moved into independent living. My mom reached out a couple of weeks ago, asking for money, after being MIA. I feel like total shit because I left the kids I helped raise like nothing ever happened. Please do not be mad at me.”

  Regan’s eyes become teary. “Jamie, I’m so far from being mad at you. You are my best friend. Thinking of you going through all that suffering by yourself. It’s awful. I’m upset that you didn’t tell me about it. You are my person, the one I tell everything—not my sister Missey. I’m hurt that I’m not that person for you.” Regan takes a breath. I assume it is to regain her composure.

  Looking at Regan, I can almost see when the lightbulb goes on. “All those holidays you spent alone, acting like you had a family to spend time with. For fuck’s sake, Jamie. You had no one to be with you, it is so fucked up. I’m ready to cuss your mom out. Who leaves a seventeen-year-old girl by herself? The people they were running from could have hurt you. The bitch has the nerve to contact you now, six years later. Jamie, this fucking sucks.”

  Regan’s spiel tells me she will be an excellent mother. She is more worried about how I got hurt than about her feelings, which are wholly justified, and I love her more for it. Regan is the selfless one out of the two of us. She takes a large gulp of water as she settles back into her seat, and her face becomes pale. She stands up, trying to keep herself together. After taking a couple of steps, she jets off to the restroom. While she is in the bathroom I try to settle my own nerves. The table at the end of the restaurant is the ideal seating for us especially today, with Regan’s stomach able to expel at any minute.

  Regan returns to the table looking a little the worse for wear.

  “Do you feel better?” With a slight shake of the head, she looks at the table in pure disgust. I had only one bite of my food, but I don’t have the heart to eat it in front of her. I place a napkin over it. “Please don’t be mad at me, Regan.”

  Regan sighs. “I’m not mad at you. I meant it when I said it. I hurt for you, Jamie. You deserve better than the crappy hand of cards you have been dealt. I’m glad that you told me the truth. I can’t stand the thought of you being alone. What if you had gotten hurt, who would have made decisions for you? Jake is dead. It can happen to anyone for any reason.”

  “I get it, Regan. You are that person for me. I would never have made it through school if you were not there. You have given me as much support as I would have gotten from five people. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. I’m still ready to gut Madison and McKenzie for you, just say the word and it is on like Donkey Kong.”

  “James, is there anything else you need to tell me? If so, this is the time.”

  “The only other thing I have to tell you is that I lied to you and got that PINK sweat outfit from Victoria’s Secret. When we agreed since there was only one left in stock that neither one of us would get it. It is in my third drawer on the right in my spare bedroom. “

  Regan’s mouth opens in surprise. “Bitch, you did not?”

  I shake my head, but there is no going back now. “I really wanted the outfit, hot pink and gray. I knew it would look good on me.”

  Do you want to make things right between us?”

  “Of course.”

  “I will be the new owner of the Victoria’s Secret sweat outfit, which will be stretching out with my baby bump. Also, you will be taking my call Friday, so Grayson and I can have a date night.”

  The call I can handle, but I love clothes, and now that bitch will be wearing it around me. “I will bring the outfit over later. It still has tags on it.”

  “Don’t take them off.”

  I want to make a brilliant-ass comment, but Regan is in mama beast mode and no one wants to take that on.

  I get us some fresh drinks; my mouth feels like supercharged cotton candy.

  “Glad we got that settled.”

  “I bet,” I say with fake annoyance. I would gladly give her five pairs of sweats to keep the peace.

  “I want to hear about your family the good, the bad, and the ugly.”

  “My parents are Julian and Jodi Jenkins. My dad enjoys criminal activities, he’s always looking for the next free dollar. Jodi is a pill addict who doesn’t discriminate. If it comes in a pill, she will take it. I have a sister named Julia who takes care of the kids. She is a senior in high school. She’s not boy crazy and gets good grades. Since Jodi has been putting in requests for money, I have been speaking to her a lot. I really miss them. I didn’t realize it until I started talking to Julia again. She has a lot on her plate, I would know. I’ve been there and done that.

  “Jerrica is fourteen. She just started high school and reminds me of my mom. It is always ‘me, me, me’ with her and Jodi. Jordan is my thirteen-year-old brother, he is only fourteen months younger than Jerrica. Jerrica and Jordan could be mistaken for twins, but their personalities are totally different. Jordan loves baseball. Since he was little he’d always carry a baseball around. Janet, also known as J.J., is a book nerd, loves to read. She is eleven years old and always has a book in her hand. Jonathon is nine years old. When they left, I had just potty trained him. He was always a loveable cuddle bug. When they left, the hardest part was losing him. I was practically raising him, and their leaving me without him tore me up. I missed him so much.” Relief comes over me as I finish, almost like an emotional cleansing.

  “When are you planning to go see them? I could go with you as l
ong as it’s before the travel cutoff date.”

  I love her sweet offer, but Grayson will not allow her out of his sight. “I’m planning to take a long weekend soon.”

  I’m ready to get off this subject; this has been more than enough for one day. We finish our lunches, and the pregnant one regains her appetite, not even leaving a crumb. My stomach is still a bunch of nerves; I can’t think about eating more than half of my sandwich.

  “Let’s talk wedding!” Regan’s eyes sparkle with excitement. “I’m planning for eight weeks; can you work with that?”

  “We can make anything work, it’s your day, Regan.”

  “I want a sunset wedding with family and some friends. Basically, people from the fire station and hospital. We will move the wedding reception inside if the weather is too unpredictable. We have a total count of about fifty people and no more than seventy-five for the reception. I want the wedding to be more intimate. I want Momma Patty to cook, but that is too much for her.”

  “She can add a couple of dishes to the menu,” I suggest.

  “Perfect idea, bestie. I don’t know what I would do with without you.

  “Bitch, you are in luck you will never have to find out.” I wink at her.

  Another thirty minutes pass, talking about the wedding. We basically iron out all the details. We make a date next week to go wedding dress shopping. She wants something simple with enough space to allow a baby bump. I set up a time to drop off the Victoria’s Secret PINK outfit. The sacrifice will be painful but worth it.

  Gavin and Grayson text us before we leave the restaurant. I wonder if Gavin called Grayson, giving him a heads-up about the lunch meeting. When we went to dinner last week, they exchanged numbers, agreeing to meet up at the gym and work out.

  Gavin and I don’t have a label for what we are. All I know is that I’m not spending time at the bar anymore, and I have no desire to do so. I’m not hooking up with guys at the hospital, except for Gavin of course. That is a huge change of pace. I had no guilt about fucking doctors, male nurses, ortho tech’s, respiratory therapists, chief financial officers, and even a maintenance guy. I lived my life in fun mode, the wilder and riskier the behavior the better. But everything has changed. I’m trying not to overthink this. I keep telling myself I’m going to enjoy this ride with Gavin. It will end at some point because it always does. I just hope it doesn’t kill me in the end.

  Chapter 28

  As I climb into the car after eating lunch with Regan, I exhale a massive breath of relief that this is over. We have no secrets between us. I have been a nervous wreck over my family. I know keeping this secret was not the best choice but, at the time, I couldn’t talk about them. My heart hurt too much. I will never forgive my parents for keeping me away from my brothers and sisters. Yes, I should have contacted them. But I felt if they wanted me to be part of the family, they would have reached out. My mom had no problem doing that when they needed money. I know I need to let this go; I just don’t know how to do it.

  My schedule is open for the rest of the day except for delivering the outfit to Regan. I bet her ass wears it all the time in my face. I just need to come up with something to one-up her. It will not be anytime soon, but it will be epic.

  I would love to do some shopping, but money is tighter than a homeless man asking for money on the street. I am heading toward the apartment when my phone starts to ring. I accept the call through the blue tooth Gavin set up for me. “Hello.”

  “Hey, beautiful, how did lunch go?”

  “I take it my text telling you everything is OK was not enough for you.”

  “I need to make sure that you are OK. Jamie, I’m not sure how many times I need to tell you that you are important to me.”

  “Gavin?”

  “Yeah, Jamie?” He sounds concerned.

  “What are we?”

  “What do you want us to be?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Jamie, I can accept that answer for now, but I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else. I wake up thinking about you and go to bed thinking about you. I want you in my life to the fullest. I can’t imagine not having you in my life. I understand this is all you are capable of doing right now. Just know we will be more, and I will be more than ready to cross that bridge with you. I have said it before, and I will repeat it. I’m a very patient man in all areas of my life, and you are no exception to that rule.”

  I’m utterly speechless now. I cannot believe we just had that conversation over the phone. I am so grateful; I’m not sure I could have handled it in person. “Everything went exactly as you said it would with Regan. The only addition is I have to give her a Victoria’s Secret PINK sweat outfit, and now I’m taking her call on Friday.”

  “Hell, beautiful, she got you on that one.” I love it when it calls me ‘beautiful,’ it makes me feel important to him. It is not a cheesy pickup line coming from him.

  “I’m going to head back to the apartment and pick up a book to read. I plan to drop the outfit off later. I want her to believe I’m serious about making things right between us. Her feelings were hurt, and I want her to get past it. Gavin, she wasn’t hurt because I didn’t tell her but because she didn’t want to see me hurting. She is going to make a great mama.”

  “I have some good news.”

  “I can be released from your anger management class sooner.”

  “No, Jamie.”

  “Surprising. Go ahead and tell me the great news.”

  “Funny girl, Jamie. Gold Dust is ready for pickup. Meet me at my house at six, and we can go get her.”

  “Perfect, it will give me plenty of time to stop at Regan’s. I can’t wait to pick her up.”

  “Jamie, you sound like a kid enjoying Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.”

  “My day keeps getting better and better.”

  “I’m being paged to the psych unit, I will see you later.” We end the call. I just hope nothing gets in the way of the happiness I’m feeling. Sometimes something seems too good to be true, and I pray it isn’t the case for me.

  The rest of my day goes by quickly; my only hardship is putting my book away. I don’t have any other pressing manners, so I will easily finish it up this evening.

  When I stop by Regan’s, her apartment looks like a volcano went through it. She is the neat and organized one. I, on the other hand, am a clusterfuck of a mess. My gut told me to come over earlier than I’d planned, and I’m so glad I did. Regan confesses to me that the pregnancy is wiping her out. She struggles with extreme fatigue and nausea most of the day. I tidy up the apartment, hand over the infamous PINK sweatsuit, and love on her a bit. She needed all of it, and I’m glad I came to her place. As I exit her apartment, I decide to call Grayson. I’m going to hear about it later, but I have no doubt she would have done it for me.

  I go back and forth in my head trying to decide if I should call him now or wait until she gets off work. Instead, I contact Chris first. He will tell me where Grayson is, and I can chat with him a few minutes. I call him through blue tooth; I know Gavin will not act like a fool and call the number unlike other guys checking on their girlfriends.

  Chris picks up, sounding a little out of breath.

  “Hey, is this a bad time? On a call?”

  “No, I just got done taking off my fire suit.”

  “I bet that bitch weighs a ton.”

  “The on and off gets old really quick. What’s up?”

  “I want to know if Grayson is working.”

  “Yes, he is working until seven o’clock. We are not busy, so if you want to call him now, it works.”

  “Cool, that will work. I sent you a text yesterday. How are you? I miss you.”

  “Jamie, I just needed to take some time to myself. I wanted more with you, but after seeing Gavin, I get it now.”

  “Get what now?”

  “Jamie, really? Gavin looks at you the same way I feel about you. The only difference is the way you look at him. You are s
o good at pushing people away when they get too close. Jamie, you deserve the moon and the stars. You are worthy of all the happiness in the world, you just need to let it in.” This is interesting. I wasn’t expecting Chris to get all deep on me.

  “I will think about what you said, just promise me we are still going to be friends. I don’t like the distance between us.”

  “I promise we will always be friends. Our not being more than friends was a hard pill to swallow, but we will hang out soon. You can be my wing woman at the bar.”

  “I would like nothing better, Chris.” I don’t have the heart to tell him that I believe my days of out drinking everyone at the bar have come to an end. I end the call hoping Chris lives up to his word about us being friends.

  I pull away from Regan’s, knowing my phone call with Grayson will not be as long or deep. He picks up on the second ring; Chris must not have been too far away from him. Grayson starts talking before I even get a word in. “Is everything alright?”

  “Yes, take a deep breath.” Grayson takes one, and it sounds like he needs another one. “Nothing is in crisis mode, but I want you to be aware of a few things. I just left Regan’s, and her apartment was a hot mess, which is not usual for her. She told me she is exhausted and nauseated most of the day. I think she is trying to hide it from us. In a nutshell, we need to step it up and start taking care of her.”

  “She let me fuss over her the first couple of days, and then she shut it down. Thanks for calling me, Jamie.”

  “I can’t stay on the phone, but we need to keep checking in with each other. Our best girl needs to be taken care of, and both of us are going to make sure that it happens. Got it?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I’m taking her call on Friday. She wants a date night. I think you should make it a laidback, easy one. I think she is afraid she is going to lose out on the time you have by yourselves, so you need to reassure her every chance you get.” I end the call after we agree that we’ll both do better for Regan.