2 Maid in the Shade

by Bridget Allison

  “We heard Momma telling Daddy about the pound cake last year, they were laughing. It's in the freezer.”

  I shook my head, “Why would you keep that thing Lucy?”

  “That’s what I asked her,” Betty said as she added homemade snacks to the refreshment tray for our movie, “I swear that whole fridge tilted when she stuck it up there. I moved it to the middle to be safe.”

  Lucy shrugged, “I'm sentimental. Plus, I thought it might come in handy if you ever get married. I'll put it out at the reception” she laughed.

  Carrie jumped up and down with excitement. “Are you getting married M- I mean Aunt Gretchen?”

  “Nope, sweetie, I don't even have a boyfriend.”

  “She could,” Jackson said meaningfully, “She got a deputy all tied up in knots.”

  “What about you?” I queried, swiftly changing focus away from my own foundered love life “You got anybody you're serious about Jackson?”

  “If I did, would I be spending the evening with this coven?”

  “There you go,” I said, “Insult the very women who have given you the barest hint of a social life.”

  “Barest hint describes it alright; desperate times,” Jackson said sadly.

  “You all get on now and leave me and the children in peace,” Betty spoke up, shaking at finger at Lucy.

  We all got big hugs from the twins and then, balancing our trays, went upstairs for the movie.

  Jackson clearly knew his way around the equipment; but we were just getting into Django when the movie froze. Jackson wound it and rewound it again, but it kept stopping at the same place until out of exasperation we tried to decide between the others. All of us had seen at least one of them, Mona confessed that she had tried to watch Hanna before and it had scared her; “Just that killer coming after a child and whistling while he did it. Now that is cold blooded. I left the theater after that, and had to sit in the lobby 'til the next movie finished.”

  “Why's that?” asked Jackson.

  “I wasn't going out in that lot by myself you nimrod!”

  “After the way you reacted when I jumped ya’ll I have to say I’m shocked anything would scare Mona,” I said.

  Out of the darkness a whistling tune began and Mona reached back and swatted Jackson.

  “Hey, that was Lucy!” He protested.

  “That tune is kind of chilling though; it's the same as in Kill Bill right?” Jackson said. “Wasn’t that the fake nurse?”

  “Sounds close to it but not the same,” I said. “As a matter of fact I heard a dark lord from my old job whistling that recently; the one you just did is the Tarrentino one.”

  “Who was that?” Lucy craned her neck and scowled at me for withholding intel.

  I gave her a meaningful look back, a reminder that she was still on probation although I would have desperately loved to share more about the day downtown and particularly the troubling phone call I had gotten from “Irinia” and the awful message from Ben.

  “Oh,” I said casually, “a partner I used to know. He works at my old firm and I saw him when I was visiting Dallas.”

  “When was this?” Mona asked, “When did you go to Dallas?”

  “I didn't, it's the name of the man I went to visit.”

  “I don't hold with this newfangled way of naming your kids after places.”

  “Mona, it isn't that new, and most of the places were named for historical figures anyway. Like Charlotte, Queen Charlotte. Besides, Dallas is in his sixties.”

  “Well I still don't hold with it.”

  “I don't see how that’s your call to make,” Jackson said, “Besides, what about my name? I just figured my Momma liked the name, but there is a Jackson, Mississippi.”

  “I'm surprised your Momma didn't tell you,” Lucy grinned. “You were named after Jackson Hole.”

  “Now that's just rude,” Jackson said.

  “Humph,” Mona said, “What’s next I ask you? People naming their kids after places, and rocks and fruits—no offense Jackson, I tell you I won’t be surprised if somebody names their kid “red ditch” or “grassy knoll” It’s like they think them up on the way to the hospital at the drop of a cat.”

  “Hat,” murmured Lucy.

  “See that, someone’s gone and named their kid “Hat” you say? I just do not hold with it, those poor little Apples and Hats; I don’t know what kind of future you can have with names like those.”

  “ANYWAY,” I said, “movie night is officially a flop, all you're doing is squabbling and that whistle song is in my head now and really giving me the creeps.”

  “Huh,” Jackson said, “never thought I'd see the day when anything gave you the creeps. Seeing as what you do for a living and all.”

  “That generally doesn't feel dangerous; the danger has passed when I go in. I just deal with aftermath.”

  “Why don't we get that tune outa your head, go to Bunburry’s like we was supposed to?” asked Mona, “lots of music there.”

  “Nope, I'm going to head out,” I said firmly, gathering up the refuse from our snacks to carry downstairs.

  “Humph,” Mona said, “I'm just going to come right out and tell ya’ll. That was boring. Here I am thinking we are gonna have fun and it isn't even 8:00.”

  They all looked at me.

  “Yeah, I'm kinda bummed too. Why don't we just go over for an hour or so?” Jackson asked.

  “Easy for you to say,” Mona said, “wearing that skin tight shirt and fancy jeans you're dressed for it. Lucy's fine too, it's me and Gretchen got problems.”

  I was startled, “What problems?”

  “I’d barely pass with what I got on but you? You might as well wear flip-flops to a shit kicking contest.”

  I looked at the three of them in confusion.

  “She means you’d be bringing a knife to a gun fight,” Lucy explained.

  “She mean’s you’d be like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest,” Jackson explained at the same time.

  Mona stood up indignantly. “I said what I meant and I meant what I said. You and me: We are ill-prepared.”

  “She's right,” Jackson said, “Lucy and I look foineee... But you two need a little spiffing up. Lucy you take one I'll take the other and meet me at Mona's since I'll get done the fastest, Mona you probably already had something laid out to wear right?”

  “I had an outfit all picked out I can be ready in ten minutes.” she said excitedly.

  “Oh, it will take that long to get a fire burning and toss whatever costume you came up with in it. But you’ve kept everything you’ve ever bought so I have plenty to choose from.”

  Mona nudged me, “See there, that there shows the value of hanging onto stuff. People are so hard on hoard mongers but they sure don’t mind it when they need something in a scramble. You might do well to remember that honey. The only thing you have a gracious plenty of seems to be underwear. A gal can’t get far in life with only a pair of nice panties on.”

  “I’m here to dispute that statement,” Lucy sniggered.

  “Seems to me you get further in life if you leave the panties off and videotape yourself,” Jackson agreed.

  “I don’t hold with that either,” Mona said jerking her thumb back to point at her chest. “Maybe I could get famous for whotubing myself in the altogether but nobody sees these goods until they’ve earned it.”

  “Thank you Jesus,” muttered Jackson.

  “Oh, I’d make an exception for you,” Mona said cheerfully. “I know what side of the bed you sleep on, wouldn’t faze you at all.”

  “Mona you have no idea what such a powerful image could do to a man. Might make him change his sexual preferences completely.”

  “I can’t be held responsible for making a gay man try to go straight.”

  “Or vice versa,” Jackson murmured.

  “Ok then, I’m not about to mess around with nature. And I will need help with my Spanx so Lucy, I’m countin’ on you.”

  She grinne
d and picked up her massive purse. “Fix me up good and fix me up fast, I’m not gonna watch the likes of Etta Clarke headin’ out the door with a man that shoulda’ been mine.”

  “Why Etta Clarke in particular?” I asked curiously.

  “Old rivals.” Lucy smirked.

  Mona whipped her head around to glare at Lucy.

  “Rivals my fanny. That woman looks like she was beat with an ugly stick.”

  “Etta won the Pumpkin Princess crown back when they were girls,” Jackson whispered, but not quietly enough.

  “They bought that crown!” Mona said angrily, “She was so ugly she did her trick or treatin’ over the telephone. Have you ever seen her?”

  Jackson and I shook our heads in the negative.

  “No doubt you will tonight,” Mona said grimly, “she trolls that place like it’s her private fishin’ hole. But tonight is my night. And I can feel it in my bones; it’s going to be a good one.”

  Seeing Mona that lively and happy just tore it for me; I had no choice but to go.

  “Okay, it's on.”

  “I'll tell Rod; see if he minds,” Lucy said. “He won't,” she assured us. “Let's go Mona. I just want to switch my jewelry.”

  Jackson and I headed out the door in record speed. “Thank God we're doing SOMETHING different,” he exclaimed. I had just about decided I wasn't going to come home at all next break.”

  “Jackson! Don't even joke about that!” I said as we sped toward my house.

  “You just put on what I tell you and show us a good time tonight and I'll reconsider.”

  “Whatever you say, just don't make me look like a slut.”

  “Do you even have anything that would make you look like a slut?” He asked hopefully.

  “No, but I'm beginning to feel like I just made a deal with the devil.”

  We raced into the house laughing and he sped up the stairs to my closet.

  “I'll wear what you say, just lay it out while I give Mosey a spin around the yard.”

  “I got this!” he yelled back.

  After I brought Mosey in and gave him a treat I took the stairs two at a time.

  Jackson was sitting on the bed with his arms crossed. “You've got five minutes to put that on and ten for me to make adjustments.”

  I looked down at the outfit, short gossamer skirt, silk tank top, black casual heels and a sheer cover made like a jean jacket but with a few extra 0's on the price tag. He even laid out a bra with lace edging.

  “Somehow I think you've pulled it off,” I said in wonder. He smiled broadly until I yelled. “I WILL look like a slut!”

  “Girl these your clothes and you thought enough to”... He looked at the tag “–whoooee! PAY for them. Also, it's been too long since you've seen a live slut. Nothing about this says slut. It barely even counts as racy.”

  “OK,” I muttered “but mostly because we are short on time and I won't know anyone there.”

  “There you go, now hop in the bathroom or change in front of me you know it don't do nothing for me either way. Then I got to do your hair.”

  I stopped wrestling into my clothes and said “What's wrong with my hair?”

  He shrugged and looked at his fingernails. “Wasting time.”

  I shut the door quickly and slipped out of one outfit and into another and did a fast freshening up. I came out without even looking in the mirror and sat in the old leather swivel chair at my desk which served as a makeup table. Jackson turned me around and put some earrings in, then applied makeup quickly and effortlessly to my eyes. “I don't use eye shadow,” I protested when he took out the applicator.

  “I noticed. Where'd you get all this then?”

  “Gifts with mascara purchase” I tried to say as he began applying a lip plumper and glossed my lips. I had only used the plumper once, but I recognized the sting.

  I felt the swift glide of blush across my cheekbones before he went back to my eyes again. He either knew what he was doing or he had downed a couple of red bulls while I wasn't looking. He attacked my hair quickly and I could only hope efficiently, spraying and scrunching it with his fingers. He slid a cuff bracelet on my right arm and spun me around.

  I gazed at my reflection he sure wasn't hopped up on caffeine. I looked terrific.

  “Whoa,” I said, “thank you!”

  “Thank you? Girl by the time you been in that bar ten minutes every one of those men gonna be your bitches.”

  I winked, “Bitches I got. I’m in short supply of a few good men.”

  “You and me both G, now let’s go!” He said enthusiastically.

  “Now, hang on can I look at the outfit?”

  “Have you got a full length mirror?”

  “No.”

  “Well then you can't right?”

  I slipped into the shoes and we headed downstairs to his jeep, within minutes we were at Mona's knocking on the door.

  Mona answered and inspected us carefully, “Ohhh, we all look fine as frog hair.” Her blush was bright and obvious, her eyebrows looked fierce and it was pretty safe to say that Lucy hadn't had much influence over her clothing choices.

  Jackson shuddered and leaned toward me “She’d scare a pit bull off a meat truck, I’m gonna kill Lucy.”

  “Mona, give me five minutes.” Jackson said and clutching her shoulders pushed her back to her room just as Lucy was emerging from it fighting back laughter.

  “I had no way of controlling Mona on the makeup.” She stopped short; “Holy shit! You look awesome.”

  “Yeah, it's an improvement all right, I've never gone in for too much makeup, but I think I'd like to keep Jackson prisoner in my home.”

  “As long as Mona comes back out and doesn't look like a clown I'll be happy.”

  “You look good without doing a thing.”

  “I'm sexy,” she shrugged.

  She went into the bathroom and dug around her purse and found some lip gloss and mascara while I watched. Then we went in search of Mona's radio and turned it on a country station to get us in the mood.

  Finally, Mona came out looking better than I'd ever seen her. With her hair full and thicker looking, her makeup toned down and a change of her top she looked great, although not as pleased with Jackson's efforts as I had been. “He came at me like he was attacking a pit fulla snakes,” she grumbled, “Speedy McQueen here gave me the one minute makeover and you got the works. Next time we switch off and you get Lucy. I barely look half as good as you.”

  “Who said I'm ever gonna do this again?” Jackson demanded, although he glowed with pleasure when he looked at the two of us. “Now let's get going before the band starts.”

  “What time is that?” I asked.

  “They usually come on at nine; maybe we can get a table.”

  “Maybe?” I asked, “For goodness sakes. Do people here go out drinking every night of the week?”

  “Bunburry’s is the only place with a live band. Enough people want to go out any night of the week to keep it busy. And,” Jackson added, “they just put in a stripper pole. That’s really popular with the college crowd.”

  I looked at Lucy, and she tried to give me the wide eyed stare of the innocent child.

  “I am not tackling that pole.”

  “Okay, how about if you decide once you get there, if you don't get on stage you can tell me something jaw dropping that you've been holding back.”

  “Do your bargaining in the car,” Jackson said, pushing us out the door. “I'm hoping to meet someone myself but if that fails let's not let my magic on you two go to waste.”

  In seconds, Jackson was urging Lucy into the shotgun seat of his jeep and then changed his mind and commanded us all to get back out and into Mona's car.

  “I'm not putting the top on and you ladies are not getting your hair messed up. Though I'm ashamed to be seen in this green yacht. There's no help for it.”

  “What's wrong with my car?” Mona demanded, “It is a Mercedes.”

  “What can I tell you
Mona? It just ain't cool. We'll go car shopping when you're ready, we’ll wait until Spring Break,” he said as he pulled out of the long driveway.

  Lucy punched him on the arm, “I knew you couldn't stay away from us.”

  “If I meet somebody worth meetin' it will be Lucy Who? ‘Til then I'm stuck with y’all and don't be punching somebody on the arm when they drivin.”

  “Ohhh, listen,” Lucy teased, “gansta Jackson is coming out to play.”

  I interrupted, “Yeah, but before you turn into jaded rapper mode, can you tell me how you learned to do make-up?”

  Lucy turned around to wink at me and laughed, “Do tell Jackson!”

  “I work in the drama department.”

  Lucy's voice grew more suspicious, “How did you stumble into the drama department all the way over from law school?”

  “I think when I changed my major.”

  “Dear God! Your daddy is gonna kill you!”

  “I know it.”

  “When did this happen, what made you do it, does your mother know?”

  Jackson grumbled “Talk about the third degree.”

  “Maybe it’s because it’s your THIRD DEGREE!”

  I recognized her boot tapping on the dash as the sign of one of her oncoming histrionics and touched her shoulder.

  “Let's let Jackson be, there isn't a thing you could or would do about it. Jackson, I'm impressed,” I continued, “it takes courage to follow your own path.”

  “Not when his daddy finds out he's been paying for a path down the yellow brick road!” Lucy exploded.

  “You know what, I think if Jackson set off for New York right now he could make it.”

  “Thanks Gretchen, that’s what my drama coach said,” Jackson beamed.

  “Lucy, you love Jackson. Look at his face.”

  She glanced over and relented, giving him a smile. “You know I just never want you to leave.”

  His white teeth flashed in the darkness, “Y’all come to my next show at the school alright? I think a debt is owed here.”

  There was a chorus of agreement.

  “Alright,” he nodded happily as we pulled into the crowded parking lot. He shook his head in satisfaction, “Alright.”

  Obviously we were a bit late even for a Wednesday night, the crowd was eagerly tossing back beer and shots as we made our way to the front over an ancient wood floor. There was a stand where the band was setting up and since the pole was on the far section of the bandstand I expected there would be enough college contenders for it to keep me out of jeopardy.