Letting Go (Healing Hearts)

by Michelle Sutton

“But He does. He’s wanted you from the beginning.”

  Backing away from him, she sprinted toward the bathroom. He followed her, but she slammed the door shut.

  He leaned against the doorjamb, his heart hammering. Had he gone too far?

  From inside he heard her muffled voice moaning, “God, what do you want from me?” More sobs.

  He started to say something through the door but stilled at what he heard next.

  “Okay, I give up,” she sobbed, “I’ll give You my heart. I know I’m not a good person. Please forgive me. I want to change. I want to have peace in my life. I’m just so tired of fighting this—of fighting You. Please, heal my heart. I need you, Jesus.”

  She cried for several more minutes, and then everything grew eerily quiet. Dave’s cheeks itched from the tears rolling down his face, but he let them fall while he prayed as he’d never prayed before.

  He sighed with relief when he finally heard her whisper, sniffling between the words, “I love you. I love you, Jesus.” The joy and peace in her voice made his throat tighten further.

  “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you,” she whispered.

  He returned to the couch, his heart doing a little dance as joy bubbled from deep within. The realization of what had just happened in her heart rendered him speechless, and his eyes welled with fresh tears.

  Thank You, Lord.

  * * *

  That night, Diane slept like a babe. She awoke feeling more refreshed than she had in years.

  After staring at the ceiling for several minutes, she remembered. Katia was getting married today.

  She jumped up and headed for the shower, a wide grin spreading over her face. Today was her first full day as a new believer. The thought made her giggle because the only person who knew about her changed heart was Dave. The new warmth inside prompted her to skip around the room. She had never felt so free.

  She decided not to distract people from Katia’s wedding celebration by sharing her news. She’d wait until later to tell her friends. Dave had already rejoiced with her. When he’d given her his Bible last night to take home and read, she’d cried.

  Her heart warmed at the memory of him holding her close. In the past, she would have wanted to sleep with him the moment their hearts connected at any level, always hoping to secure a man’s love for a lifetime through physical pleasure. But this time her raw emotion didn’t make her desire intimacy with a man. Peace enveloped her instead. Jesus satisfied her soul much more than physically loving any man ever could.

  She’d stayed up half the night devouring His Word. She couldn’t get enough, and yet when she woke, she still felt refreshed, peaceful.

  After she finished showering and drying her hair, she glanced at her reflection. A softness appeared in her eyes that she had never seen before. She marveled at the sight.

  “So this is what hope looks like.” Her eyes misted, but for once the choking emotion came from love and not self-loathing. “Thank you, Jesus, for giving me so much to live for.”

  She took her time, puttering around the house once she had gotten completely ready. Last night Dave had insisted on picking her up for the wedding, so she’d accepted. He seemed to truly care about her as a person, and not just as a woman. She’d do just about anything to keep his friendship and trust.

  The sound of his car approaching made her smile. She pulled on her coat, snatched up her purse and keys, and headed outside, locking the door behind her. Not bothering to button her fur, she shivered as she strolled to his car.

  He climbed out and walked around the car to open her door. He stopped in front of her and whistled.

  “Wow. You’re the most beautiful—um, I mean the most awesome woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

  Her cheeks warmed and a strange sensation filled her stomach, curling outward from within. “Thank you. So where’s Joey?”

  “He was cranky so I had the housekeeper stay with him. She’s good with children, and he didn’t seem to mind. I couldn’t miss my good friend’s wedding.”

  Unable to recall feeling so pure when admiring eyes gazed at her, she reveled in the sensation. Then again, everything about her relationship with Dave felt different from anything she had ever experienced before. She received his affectionate hug, and as she inhaled his scent, her heart sang.

  * * *

  Through most of the service she sensed Dave’s eyes on her. She did her best to not let him know she was fully aware of his constant attention. As they waited in the receiving line after the service, his hand slid around her waist and rested on the small of her back as if they were a couple.

  When she greeted Ken, he quirked his brow. “You’re positively radiant. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.”

  Smiling, she received his extended hand. “Thank you.”

  When Katia glanced her way, Diane’s eyes moistened. “Your wedding was so beautiful, Katia. I’m thrilled to see you so happy.”

  She wrapped her arms around her friend and gave her a gentle squeeze. When she stepped back, Katia stared at her curiously.

  “Something is different about you. Are you in love?” she whispered.

  “Maybe.” Diane winked.

  Katia’s eyes traveled to Dave, who stood near Ken. They were having an intense conversation. Katia’s brows raised in question.

  Diane shook her head. “No. Well, maybe a little.” She giggled.

  Katia’s jaw dropped. “Then who?” she mouthed.

  Diane checked the receiving line. The people behind them were deep in conversation and didn’t seem to care that the line had slowed. She glanced back at Katia.

  “I asked Jesus into my heart.”

  Katia squealed and hugged her again, bouncing on her toes. “I’ve been praying for you for so long. This is wonderful news.”

  “Just let me tell everyone else when I’m ready, okay?”

  “Sure. I won’t say a thing, except to Ken.” Katia chuckled and jabbed Ken in the ribs, making the guys look at her. “Though something tells me he already knows.”

  Diane heard someone call her name and turned.

  “I’ve been looking for you. How are you doing?” Rachel stepped away from her family and came to greet her. When their eyes connected, Rachel’s mouth opened. “You did it, didn’t you?”

  Diane giggled. “Did what?”

  “I knew the Lord would capture your heart someday.”

  “Who told you?”

  Rachel chuckled. “No one told me. It’s written on your face. You look at peace. I know that look when I see it.”

  Diane’s eyes flooded with tears. She was amazed Rachel could tell she had accepted Christ without her even saying anything. Her new faith must be real since people noticed the change so easily. Thankfully, it wasn’t just a dream.

  “This is so cool. You’re a believer now, just like me. You’re so beautiful inside and out.”

  No one had ever paid her a higher compliment. Other than Katia, Rachel was the first female friend Diane truly cared for, and maybe even loved. God had used Rachel to soften her hard heart.

  “I love you, Rachel,” Diane whispered as she pulled her into a hug.

  “I love you, too, Diane. I’m so glad we met.” Rachel stepped back. “Why don’t you come over next weekend for dinner? We’d love to have you. Can you come Friday night at seven?”

  “Okay. Sure, I’ll be there.”

  “I’ll see you then.” Rachel turned back to her family.

  Diane searched for Dave, who no longer stood in the receiving line. She finally spotted him in a secluded area at the side entrance to the church with a slender brunette in a flowing red dress and black leather overcoat with matching boots. The woman held Dave’s arm possessively and leaned close as she spoke to him.

  Diane approached as fast as her spike-heeled boots allowed without giving away her sudden concern. The moment she stood next to Dave she touched his free arm.

  The deep-set blue eyes of the woman next to him turned to slits as sh
e stared at Diane.

  Dave turned and loosened his tie. His smile lifted her spirits—until she saw the tension in his eyes.

  “Diane, you won’t believe this, but guess who the court appointed as Joey’s attorney.”

  She had a sinking feeling. “Who?”

  Her question evoked a derisive snort from the woman who stood by his side.

  Dave waved his hand toward her. “Joleen. My old girlfriend from high school. Can you believe it? What a small world, huh?”

  Chapter 17

  Joleen and Dave had been a couple? Diane wondered how intimate they had been, but didn’t dare ask.

  “Isn’t that a conflict of interest?” she asked when she finally found her voice.

  The woman flipped her brown hair over her shoulders. “Not at all. I can be objective, but can you? Now, if bringing one’s attorney to a friend’s wedding isn’t a conflict of interest, I don’t know what is.”

  The sarcasm in her voice made Dave wince.

  Joleen didn’t notice, but Diane certainly did. “Why are you here? Do you know Ken?”

  “My brother is his neighbor, and they’re good friends. I came with him. I’m not going to the reception. It was a nice wedding, but a little too religious for my tastes.”

  For a few seconds no one spoke.

  Diane smiled coyly and said, “The difference here is that Dave hired me. You’re court appointed.”

  Dave stared, a smile slowly covering his face.

  Joleen sniffed. “And your point?”

  “I see nothing wrong with occasionally socializing with a client. We have some of the same friends. This town isn’t all that big. That’s why I live in Boise and not in Nampa or Caldwell.”

  “True.” Dave paused. “I hired Diane to represent me because she’s so well respected in her field.”

  Diane’s cheeks warmed. “Don’t start exaggerating about me.”

  “I’m not. A friend from church highly recommended Diane. Said she was the best attorney in Canyon County.”

  “Really?” Joleen drawled. “She was recommended by your church?”

  What is that supposed to mean?

  Dave encircled Diane’s shoulder with his arm. “No, by a friend.”

  The woman’s behavior reminded Diane of the petty young women in the pageants she had competed in. She was so tired of trying to one-up every woman she met.

  Joleen pouted at Dave and batted her lashes. “Would you take me to church if I got saved too, Davey? If I acted like a dumb blonde?”

  He cringed and closed his eyes. “Don’t call me Davey.”

  Reeling from the added insult, Diane tried to keep her cool. She had only known Jesus one day, and already someone who clearly didn’t know her was attacking her faith.

  Maybe she assumed Diane had to be shallow because she was attractive. How Diane despised that assumption. If she were ugly, would people then believe her sincerity?

  “Dumb blonde?”

  Joleen sneered. “You’re pretty dumb to believe Dave likes you. If I were you—”

  His voice grew stern. “That’s enough. You don’t know what you’re saying, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop insinuating things about me in front of my friend.”

  Diane slid out from under Dave’s arm. “You have nothing to worry about. As Dave said, we’re just friends. I don’t feel that way about him.” She shot him a quick glance and noted his surprised look.

  “Really?”

  “Oh, he’s good looking and a great guy, but I don’t think he’s the man God has in mind for me.” She shrugged. “What he does in his free time is his own business.”

  Joleen laughed. “Well, I feel much better now that we’ve established Davey’s freedom to choose. The choice shouldn’t be too hard, right, honey?” She leaned into Dave’s side with her hip.

  He took a step away from her. “Come on, Joleen. It’s been a long time since high school. You know I can’t get involved with you now. You’re my son’s attorney, for heaven’s sake.”

  She gave him a coy smile. “Oh, I have no intention of crossing that boundary, Davey. At least, not before I’ve given the court my opinion about where Joey should live. If I were you, I’d treat me right. You hear what I’m saying?”

  Dave sputtered but didn’t say a word.

  Joleen’s cell phone rang. “Gotta go, guys. I’ll be calling you later to schedule a visit, so make sure you answer your phone.”

  Diane wanted to yell after the woman. How dare she try to use Dave’s most vulnerable point to manipulate him? Playing that game would kill Dave and any chance they might have had as a couple.

  He needed someone to support him and believe in him right now. Hopefully he knew she was teasing earlier and didn’t really mean what she’d said.

  His frown made her heart pound. He was mad.

  She nibbled on her lip to keep it from trembling. “I was just playing along so she wouldn’t think we were a couple. So is that all you want from me, Dave? Friendship?”

  He grinned wickedly and peered around as if to make sure no one was watching. Then he leaned closer.

  “Not at all.”

  Her heart raced as she faced him, her mouth mere inches from his. “I didn’t mean what I said either.”

  He slid his hands into the front pockets of his suit and rocked back on his heels. “Which comment? That you didn’t like me that way, that you think I’m good-looking and a great guy, or that I’m not the one God has in mind for you?”

  She swallowed hard.

  He freed one hand and lightly stroked her cheek with his knuckles. She leaned into his touch. His palm opened and he rested it on her cheek.

  “You feel something for me, Di?”

  She bit her lip. “Yes.”

  “And you think I’m good looking?”

  “Very.”

  “So is it possible I might be the man God has planned for you?”

  A teasing twinkle in his eye brought her back to reality. The voice of reason invaded her bliss, and she sobered.

  You can never give him a child. Don’t be selfish, Diane. You always think of yourself first. Consider his needs for a change.

  Watching her, Dave stiffened. “What is it? Why do you get upset every time I bring up the possibility of a future together?”

  She attempted to turn away, but he wouldn’t let her. He cradled her face.

  “Look at me. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

  The warmth in his gaze made her heart squeeze. “I can’t have a family with you. I just can’t.” She avoided looking at him and cast her attention at the tree beside them.

  He dropped his hands and rasped, “It’s because you’re going to want a baby just like my wife did.” He turned away.

  “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She stepped in front of him.

  “You know what I’m getting at.” His eyes dimmed and his lips pulled thin. “It’s right there in the home study. Didn’t you read it?”

  She shook her head. “I never got a copy of your home study, just a summary.”

  He winced. “This is totally embarrassing, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m sterile, Diane. I can’t get you pregnant.”

  Her mouth gaped.

  He stepped away from her, clenching his fists as if he wanted to punch something. “You think that’s funny?”

  At the anger in his voice, she held up her hand. “Wait. It’s not that. I swear.”

  His face turned crimson. “What is it then?”

  “I can’t believe this, but . . . I . . . Oh, this is so hard to say.” Diane took a deep breath and tried again, but tears of joy and pain poured down her cheeks. “All this time I thought you wouldn’t want me because I can’t have kids.”

  He stared at her with a dumbfounded expression. Then a huge smile lit his face. “Wow, I never would have guessed.”

  “No?” She wiped the tears from her face.

  “Now I see why it bothered you when I kept telling you that you’d
have your own family some day. How insensitive that must have sounded.”

  She dissolved into tears. He pulled her against him, rubbing her back.

  “I wanted a child so much,” she sobbed. “Why did this have to happen to me?”

  Kissing her hair, he held her the way she needed him to. “I don’t know, Diane. I just don’t know.”

  Chapter 18

  On the drive home after the wedding reception, Dave thought about what Diane had said. She couldn’t have children. That meant no arguments about her wanting to bear his child. While the knowledge of her infertility saddened him, it also provided him with a huge sense of relief.

  In less than two days she had met two of his criteria for a future mate. First, she had to be a believer; and second, she needed to be content with their inability to have a child by natural means.

  His breath caught. When had he started thinking about marriage? Just months ago he had sworn he’d never marry again, and now he was considering proposing.

  Even if he did have the courage to ask her, what would she say? At least they had a common faith now. He smiled when he reflected on her delight when he’d given her a new Women’s Study Bible after the reception. The twinkle in her eyes told him he had picked the perfect gift. Now she could study the Word on her own.

  Then there was the issue of Joey. Would she be able to love his son as much as he did? And could Joey accept her as a true mom?

  He certainly acted as if he wanted a mother. It was the little things he did, such as calling Katia Mommy when he wanted something. No doubt Joey had observed Alex calling his mom that so he copied him. But did Joey really understand what it meant for a woman to be his mommy? Or were all women Mommy to him? Dave wondered if desiring a mother was a true need Joey expressed, or just something Dave used to rationalize his desire for a woman in his life.

  Clearly Diane had issues that needed to be addressed for her to feel safe and secure with any man. Now that she had Jesus in her life, he could foresee emotional healing, if she truly desired it. Her new dependence on Jesus for her self-worth gave him hope for their future.