The Time Travel Handbook

by James Wyllie

  1 MAY: THE OPENING CEREMONY

  If you have opted for a season ticket, you will be able to attend the OPENING CEREMONY on 1 May. The QUEEN AND PRINCE ALBERT will not arrive until shortly before noon but the doors to the Crystal Palace will open at 9am. You are well advised to get to the Palace considerably before then and to allow plenty of time for your journey. Hyde Park and the roads from Buckingham Palace will already be jammed by 6am. By mid-morning, as many as a million people will be lining the route, around a tenth of them foreigners.

  THE OPENING CEREMONY FEATURING VICTORIA AND ALBERT. FORMALITY IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY. DON’T EXPECT BALLOONS.

  Once inside the Palace, grab a seat as close as possible to the RAISED PLATFORM near the centre of the building. This is where the Queen will sit, on an elaborate chair borrowed from the Indian section of the Exhibition, covered in crimson velvet and shaded by a blue silk canopy adorned with fleur-de-lys symbols made from ostrich feathers. At 10am, the CELEBS will start to arrive. You may spot the DUKE OF WELLINGTON – 82 today – hobnobbing with the slightly older MARQUESS OF ANGLESEY. This is a touching moment. The two haven’t got on since Wellington displayed a distinct lack of sympathy for the then Lord Uxbridge during the Battle of Waterloo. ‘By God, I’ve lost a leg!’ the immortal exchange had begun. ‘By God, so you have!’ had been its conclusion.

  As noon approaches, anticipation will have reached fever pitch. The ARRIVAL OF THE ROYALS will be heralded by a fanfare of trumpets, a volley of cannon fire from the far side of the Serpentine and ear-splitting cheers echoing up and down the galleries. Then a vast organ near the southern entrance will strike up the national anthem. When the noise has died down, Prince Albert will deliver a rather self-congratulatory speech, the Queen will respond, the Archbishop of Canterbury will bless the Exhibition and the massed choirs of several cathedrals will belt out Handel’s ‘Hallelujah Chorus’. In a delightful departure from the script, a Chinaman will appear in front of the dais at this point, bowing repeatedly at the royal couple. Everyone will assume he is some kind of dignitary, but in fact he is the captain of a junk moored at Limehouse, overcome with emotion.

  The Royal Party will then make its way up and down the length of the Palace, solemnly inspecting some of the exhibits. The Queen will then declare the Exhibition open, before descending the platform and leaving the building. Several excitable ladies will take turns to sit on the recently vacated throne, still warm from the monarch’s behind.

  You are now free to explore the Palace at your leisure.

  THE EXHIBITS

  It is a guidebook cliché to state how long it would take to see all the exhibits in a major museum but in this instance we’re going to do it anyway: The Times has calculated that it would take about 200 hours to do the Great Exhibition justice. Roughly speaking, BRITISH AND IMPERIAL EXHIBITS occupy the western half of the Palace, while the REST OF THE WORLD is squeezed into the east. This applies to both ground level and the first floor galleries, but the items on display in the latter tend to be smaller and dinkier. This is where you will find much of the stuff at the quirky/bonkers/steampunk end of the spectrum.

  The grandest and most popular aproach to the Palace is the SOUTH ENTRANCE, which leads in to the celebrated TRANSEPT. Here you will immediately see how Paxton dealt with the problem of ten elm trees that everyone assumed would have to be felled to make way for the building. He simply enclosed them. This gives an immediate sense of the scale of the Palace, which will be enhanced as you progress to the CRYSTAL FOUNTAIN at its very centre. Made by Follet Ostler, this is made of highly polished pink glass and is 27 feet high. As well as being awfully pretty, it is a valuable landmark and a favourite spot for picnickers.

  BRITAIN AND THE EMPIRE

  The western half of the GROUND FLOOR of the Palace is devoted to BRITISH AND IMPERIAL exhibits. Turning left from the North Transept, you pass through the less dramatic part of the INDIA SECTION (the good stuff is on the other side of the MAIN AVENUE, which bisects the Palace) and into the misleadingly named FINE ARTS COURT, an eclectic display ranging from flowers made from human hair to a vast oak sideboard carved from a tree in the grounds of Kenilworth Castle. Beyond this and stretching all the way to the western end of the Palace is the MACHINES IN MOTION area. This is perhaps the most popular section of the whole Exhibition, giving a glimpse of the wondrous new technologies about to transform the planet. Power is provided by steam, generated by a group of boilers housed outside the building. One highlight is JAMES NASMYTH’S STEAM HAMMER, powerful enough to flatten vast chunks of steel but delicate enough to crack a boiled egg placed in a wine glass without breaking the glass (a procedure you may get to witness). Another is DE LA RUE’S PATENT ENVELOPE MACHINE, capable of transforming ordinary sheets of paper into 2,700 perfectly folded, gummed and stacked envelopes per hour. A machine that churns out 100 fags a minute is also extremely popular.

  HOWD’YA LIKE THAT? TRANSPORTATION FOR THE MODERN MAHARAJAH IN THE INDIAN SECTION.

  Just the south of this section is a display of LOCOMOTIVES, including the London and North Western’s 1,140 horsepower LIVERPOOL engine, and a prototype TRAM, or ‘railway in the streets’ as the manufacturer describes it, the latter term having yet to be coined. You will notice your fellow visitors reacting to such vehicles in much the same way as an early twenty-first-century audience might respond to a drone plane.

  When you have sated your appetite for steam power, move south to the Main Avenue. If you look towards the western wall of the Palace, you will be confronted by your image reflected in the LARGEST MIRROR IN THE WORLD. Its effect is to double the size of the building, which was plenty big already. Turning round, you will find yourself looking down the entire length of the Palace, with the crystal fountain a small dot nearly a furlong and a half away. As you head towards it, the first thing you will come across is a forty-foot scale model of LIVERPOOL DOCKS, replete with 1,600 miniaturised ships. Next comes a succession of other models, including one of the recently opened BRITANNIA RAILWAY BRIDGE, an engineering marvel consisting of parallel tubes spanning the Menai Strait. After this, almost anything can and does pop up. Ostrich feathers vie for your attention alongside samples of EARLY PHOTOGRAPHY, a sperm whale’s jawbone, a display of illumination systems for lighthouses and a huge ELECTROPLATED VASE depicting Prince Albert alongside the likes of William Shakespeare and Sir Isaac Newton.

  After taking a well-earned breather at the crystal fountain, it is time to tackle the southern half of what might be termed the WESTERN NAVE. This begins with the second and more opulent area devoted to INDIA, the ‘jewel in the crown’ of the British Empire. The centrepieces are four spectacular gifts to Queen Victoria from the NAWAB OF BENGAL: a canopied velvet throne, two palanquins, one carved from ivory, and an elaborate howdah. If you are visiting during the early weeks, you are likely to be as puzzled as everyone else as to the purpose of the last object. Then a stuffed elephant will arrive from the museum of Saffron Walden in Essex and all will become clear: a howdah is a covered and canopied seat for placement on the back of such beasts.

  Directly to the west of this section are areas devoted to Canada, the West Indies, South Africa and New South Wales. The most popular CANADIAN EXHIBITS are snowshoes, sleighs and other devices suggestive of extreme cold. The least charismatic are the various cod liver oil products displayed for NEWFOUNDLAND. The WEST INDIES area is dominated by a profusion of fruits and flowers, while the AUSTRALIAN and SOUTH AFRICAN zones major in exotic wildlife, including a stuffed platypus, a 103 lb tusk and several ostrich eggs.

  Acting as a buffer between these colonial displays and more products from Britain are AUGUSTUS PUGIN’S MEDIEVAL COURT and the BRITISH SCULPTURE ROOM. Pugin’s display is a deliberate attempt to counterbalance the largely industrial flavour of the British exhibits. One side of the room is devoted to ecclesiastical paraphernalia, the other to furniture, tapestries and the like. It is all very Victorian Gothic, a throwback to an idealised version of the 1450s. Although the craftsman
ship is impressive, many visitors find it hard to see the point of the display in the context of the brave new world the Exhibition is celebrating

  The sculpture room, on the other hand, tends to be heaving, despite – or more likely because of – the disapproving press reviews. Both phenomena can be explained by the abundance of NUDES on display, particularly female ones. Naked ladies, even in stone, have yet to become commonplace as of 1851.

  Between here and the western end of the Palace, visitors are hurled back into the Industrial Revolution with a vengeance. The displays nearest to the Main Avenue are organised by city, successively BIRMINGHAM (gas fittings and other domestic items for the middle classes), SHEFFIELD (steel goods, including the mother of all penknives with eighty blades), YORKSHIRE (woollen fabrics) and MANCHESTER (cotton). Behind these is a long stretch of agricultural implements and machinery, acting as a magnet for besmocked country folk, who gaze on them wistfully dreaming of the easier future they portend.

  It is now time to pop upstairs.

  INGENIOUS INVENTIONS WERE BIG AT THE GREAT EXHIBITION. THIS TYPICALLY BRITISH CONTRIBUTION – A HAMMOCK THAT CONVERTED INTO A RESCUE DINGHY – WOWED THE CROWDS.

  THE BRITISH GALLERIES

  THE GALLERY hugs the perimeter of the Palace, leaving a huge cruciform space in the middle. Peer over the side rail to take in the magnitude of your surroundings with the tide of humanity slowly circulating down below and the soaring roof of the transept above. Then make your way to the south edge of the gallery, just above the main entrance. You will then be able to ‘do’ the whole western gallery, which is devoted to smaller British exhibits, in one extended anti-clockwise walk.

  First, however, the BRITISH SECTION makes a slight incursion into the EASTERN GALLERY, in the form of a display of NOVEL ITEMS OF CLOTHING. They include a Wellington hat (as opposed to boot), garments employing elastic to free their wearers from the tyranny of lacing, and a pair of tartan socks studded with 1,300 diamonds. Moving into the WESTERN GALLERY, you will be inundated with silk from Spitalfields and Paisley, lacework, chemicals and pharmaceuticals, and GUNS, including a revolutionary telescopic sight.

  As you enter the Western Gallery, look out for the display entitled ‘PHILOSOPHICAL, MUSICAL, HOROLOGICAL AND SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS’. This is a showcase for the unparalleled Victorian talent for invention. Offerings include a waterproof timepiece ticking away merrily inside a glass of water, and clocks powered by electricity (whatever next?). Globes are also well represented, with one set made from inflatable tissue paper. The star attraction, however, has to be Dr Merryweather’s Tempest Prognosticator. This is likely to be the first leech-powered weather forecasting device you have come across. It relies on the creatures’ habit of leaving the water when they detect a fall in atmospheric pressure, suggesting that rain is imminent. In this instance, their exodus triggers an alarm bell.

  If this item leaves you hungry for more leeches, you will find an extraordinary mechanical example in the surgical instruments display, along with a walking stick containing medicines, medical implements and an enema, and a bed designed to tip out its occupant at a predetermined hour. In the best tradition of British public events, there is a jolly Bobby available to act as a guinea pig. Another medical marvel is an adjustable human figure with 7,000 steel components.

  You are now on the west side of the north transept, crammed with fine British porcelain from Staffordshire and Worcestershire. There is a staircase here, down which you should proceed. You may wish to ‘spend a penny’ (see EMERGENCIES); Ladies and Gents are available on either side of the refreshment court. You are advised to take advantage: you are about to tackle the rest of the world.

  THE REST OF THE WORLD

  The half of the Palace devoted to the portions of the planet outside the British Empire is arranged in such a way that the displays of the major exhibiting nations occupy both sides of the Main Avenue (the lesser nations are tucked in wherever there is space). This pattern is then repeated in the eastern half of the first floor gallery. The best way to approach the ground floor is to zigzag your way across the Main Avenue, allowing you to take in all of the exhibits from a given country. In the gallery area, this isn’t possible – if you tried to look at all the Austrian exhibits, for example, you would fall to a grisly death – so you just have to make your way round, eventually saying to yourself, ‘Oh look, it’s Austria again’.

  GROUND-FLOOR WORLD EXHIBITS

  Before you plunge into the rest of the world, a peek at the legendary KOH-I-NOOR DIAMOND is mandatory. Weighing in at 191 carats, it fell into British hands two years ago with the annexation of the Punjab. It is housed in a sort of glorified birdcage on the Main Avenue just to the east of the crystal fountain. Unfortunately, once you have battled your way to the front of the crowd surrounding it, you are almost certain to be underwhelmed. Due to a combination of poor cut and uninspired lighting, the gem singularly fails to dazzle. This will be rectified next year, when it will be trimmed down to 109 carats, but for now you’ll just have to enjoy complaining about it. Nearby, you will find a rather more sparkly assemblage of oversized gems known as the Hope Collection and a vast nugget from the Mariposa goldmine in California.

  Your zigzagging can now commence in earnest, beginning with the area just to the northeast of the crystal fountain. This is shared by EGYPT, TURKEY, PERSIA AND GREECE, with hookah pipes and elaborately decorated weapons featuring prominently. The Greek offerings mainly consist of marble statues, while the Turks reveal their dedication to smoking with a crutch that can also be used as a pipe.

  On the other side of the Main Avenue is the CHINESE SECTION, largely furnished by London merchants rather than the Eastern Empire herself. As might be expected, there is a great deal of fine porcelain, lacquer ware, silk and bamboo. The exhibits that most capture the visitors’ imaginations, however, are grotesque carvings made from tree roots and examples of the edible birds’ nests that are the main ingredient of the barely conceivable soup of that name. Made by swiftlets from their own saliva, they do little to dispel the European conviction that the Orientals are a rum lot.

  To the east of the Chinese section are the SWISS displays. There are plenty of cleverly carved toys and furniture but it is the WATCHES that make the big impression. They come in every conceivable form and setting – on bracelets, embedded in rings, attached to compasses, you name it. Queen Victoria is particularly enamoured of this part of the Exhibition. Crossing the Main Avenue again will lead you to SPAIN, PORTUGAL AND THEIR COLONIES. Tobacco products loom large, from Havana cigars to Manila cheroots, and the whole section is perfumed by several barrels of snuff. You will also find a wall from the Alhambra in Granada and a marvellous carving of a bullfighting ring.

  Immediately to the east is an area devoted to parts of what will eventually become ITALY, specifically Rome, Tuscany and the Kingdom of Sardinia, which at this stage in history includes Piedmont and Savoy. The keynotes of this section are mosaics, exquisitely engraved seashells and miniaturisation of one kind or another. The ultimate example of the latter is a CARVED CHERRY STONE featuring Saint George, his dragon and twenty-four tiny human heads.

  Further to the east, on either side of the Main Avenue, are the FRENCH displays. With 1,740 exhibitors, France has the biggest presence in the Palace after Britain. To the gall of the hosts, the old enemy seems to do everything with more style, the Sèvres porcelain and Gobelin tapestries easily surpassing their British equivalents. Luckily, the agricultural and other machinery from across the Channel is generally agreed to be clunky and second-rate. The French section also boasts a controversial eighteen-foot sculpture of Queen Victoria rendered in zinc, not a metal she is accustomed to.

  ONE OF THE ENCLOSED ELMS PROVIDES A STUNNING BACKDROP TO THE CRYSTAL FOUNTAIN, AND TOWERS ABOVE THE GALLERIES.

  BELGIUM and HOLLAND come next, with displays on either side of the main thoroughfare. The Dutch exhibits vary from a selection of the world’s most powerful magnets to the Kniphausen hawk, a life-sized
representation of the bird encrusted with rubies, carbuncles and amethysts. The Belgians major in sculpture, notably the largest example of the genre in the whole Exhibition, an eleventh-century Crusader mounted on horseback.

  Moving ever eastwards, we come to AUSTRIA, at this stage an empire encompassing much of central Europe, the Balkans and parts of northern Italy. The latter provides the Exhibition with exquisite Venetian glass and a collection of MILANESE SCULPTURE so popular that the authorities have had to institute a one-way system. From Budapest come spectacular embossed silver and copper reliefs of victorious battles of Alexander the Great, while Vienna dishes up a clock with seventy-two dials. The Austrian capital is also big on PERFUME – a big draw for the ladies is the first of two eau de cologne fountains in this part of the Palace.

  Beyond Austria is the GERMAN section, although technically there will be no such country for another twenty years. Consequently, this area is divided into areas representing Saxony, Prussia, ‘Northern Hanseatic Towns’ and the Zollverein, a customs union of several Germanic states. Highlights include another eau de cologne fountain, this time actually from Cologne, and a fruit dish as tall as a ten-year-old, decorated with figures representing the progress of humanity from nomadism via agriculture to science and the arts. At the apex a modern man (presumably a German) stands atop a palm tree brandishing a flaming torch at a serpent. The most popular German exhibit, though, is August Kiss’s sculpture of an Amazon on horseback being attacked by a tiger. It stands on the Main Avenue, just to the west of BRAZIL’s sole contribution to the Exhibition, a pair of bouquets of flowers that turn out on close inspection to be made from feathers.

  The penultimate section of the eastern stretch of the Main Avenue belongs to RUSSIA. Tsar Nicholas I has sent over a stunning collection of jewellery, but the exhibit that will blow your socks off is an entire room made of Siberian malachite, from the twelve-foot-high doors to the tables and chairs. Opposite is a rather small SCANDINAVIAN section, which is frankly missable unless you are a big fan of Swedish steel.