The Time Travel Handbook

by James Wyllie

  At last, no doubt feeling that you have actually walked round the world, you come to the last exhibiting nation on the ground floor, the USA, heralded by a large model of the Niagara Falls and a seven-ton chunk of zinc. Mining is a cornerstone of the American economy and there are enough mineral samples dotted around this section to satisfy the most ardent geologist. Indeed, for the first few weeks of the Exhibition there isn’t a lot else. Much to the pleasure of many Brits, who regard their transatlantic cousins with a mixture of derision and trepidation, many of the US exhibits are held up due to transportation problems.

  However, when they do arrive, the hosts are forced to concede that the young nation has put on an impressive show. Agricultural implements feature prominently and are lighter, quicker and cheaper than their British equivalents, outperforming them in a series of tests conducted in the late summer. The USA also emerges triumphant in the BATTLE OF THE LOCKSMITHS, with New Englander Alfred Charles Hobbs claiming a £200 prize for successfully picking a pair of locks manufactured by the British firm Chubb and Bramah. Noone is able to crack his company’s Parautopic Lock.

  Other American exhibits that make a splash are Samuel Colt’s revolutionary REVOLVER, a coffin that can preserve a body in a vacuum (right up the street of the death-obsessed Victorians) and a tiny portable SEWING MACHINE. The latter offers the British their first glimpse of a technology that will transform the lives of millions of women. In a few years Isaac Singer will unleash his version on the market.

  If you are suffering from the industrial equivalent of Stendhal Syndrome at this point, more dubious refreshments are available in the northeast corner of the Palace, with Ladies and Gents facilities close at hand. Thus fortified, you are ready to head upstairs for the final leg of your Palace tour.

  EASTERN GALLERY WORLD EXHIBITS

  Perhaps mercifully, the Eastern Gallery contains fewer must-sees than other parts of the Exhibition. We suggest you make your way to the southwestern part, where you will be comforted to see those diamond-studded tartan socks again. Proceeding east, you will initially find yourself back in France, this time in the realm of CLOTHES AND TEXTILES. One of the more striking exhibits is a portrait of Queen Victoria executed in human hair.

  The southern stretch of the Eastern Gallery is devoted to products from the ZOLLVEREIN. Amid an array of Prusso-Bavarian pianos and related instruments is an extraordinary bellows-operated device called an AEOLODICON. There are also wooden and tin toys of every conceivable variety, plus an illuminated Christmas tree – still a novelty to the British despite the best efforts of Prince Albert. But the stand-out exhibits here are the über-kitsch ‘COMICALITIES’ produced by Hermann Ploucquet from Stuttgart. These consist of hundreds of stuffed animals arranged in anthropomorphic tableaux. Frogs receive shaves, hedgehogs ice-skate and a pine marten schoolmaster chastises a group of naughty bunny pupils.

  OUTSIDE – AND DEPARTURE

  A few items too bulky for display inside the Palace are dotted around outside its extremities. At the eastern end you will find a lifeboat and CAST-IRON FOUNTAIN from France, a vast GRANITE CROSS from Sweden, a WEEPING CYPRESS TREE from China and a large INDIAN TENT. To the west are several enormous lumps of coal, three battleship-sized ANCHORS and a prototype LEVEL CROSSING, which looks a bit forlorn in the absence of a train track. Nearby is Marochetti’s celebrated statue of RICHARD THE LIONHEART, which will later find a permanent home outside the Houses of Parliament. You will DEPART from here.

  VE Day

  7–8 MAY 1945 LONDON

  LONDON COULD TAKE IT. AFTER NEARLY six years of total war, rationing and living in shelters, having endured the Blitz and the V2 rocket bombs, it really was all over; and on 8 May 1945 the city came out to play and put on the biggest party it had ever seen. You’ll arrive just in time to hear VE DAY declared and DRINK CHURCHILL’S HEALTH in the bohemian shadows of SOHO. On the day itself, you’ll wake to the newspaper headlines at Piccadilly Circus, take VICTORY LUNCH AT THE SAVOY and watch TRAFALGAR SQUARE fill to bursting before breaking out into drunken reverie and celebration. You’ll hear CHURCHILL ADDRESS THE CROWD on Whitehall, watch KING GEORGE VI experiment with the royal wave from the balcony of Buckingham Palace amongst a crowd of 50,000, dance the conga all night, kiss a GI or two, and roll out the barrel.

  NOTE: WAG will shortly be offering a bespoke journey to New York for VJ Day on 14 August 1945. With the war in the Pacific over at last, this was the big one in the Big Apple. Join the crowds in Times Square and stand beneath the greatest wave of ticker tape the city has ever seen.

  BRIEFING: PARTY LIKE IT’S 1945

  It wasn’t as if the country hadn’t seen it coming. Germany’s total defeat had been certain since the early months of 1945. The UK Board of Trade, ever cautious with frivolous consumption, had taken red, white and blue bunting off the cotton ration. The Ministry of Works had announced – in advance of the end of the war and the anticipated celebrations – that ‘bonfires will be allowed, but the government trusts that only material with no salvage value will be used’. While bunting and bonfires will be much in evidence on the night of 7 May, London still fretted as it waited for the final official signal that Germany had surrendered and that the War in Europe was over. Churchill had planned to announce this on the morning of 7 May but was forced to wait by the Soviets, who insisted that the surrender actually be signed and then the news embargoed before a simultaneous announcement was made. However, all of this was short-circuited by the release of the news of the surrender by the Associated Press in New York. With over a million people streaming onto the streets of Manhattan, it didn’t make much sense to wait any longer and Churchill authorised a BBC broadcast, announcing that the next day, 8 May, would be VICTORY IN EUROPE DAY.

  THE TRIP

  You will be arriving at 6.00pm on the evening of 7 MAY 1945 in GLASSHOUSE STREET, a narrow passage that opens out onto the north side of Piccadilly Circus; please return here by 9am on the morning of 9 May for your DEPARTURE.

  As you walk out into Piccadilly Circus it will be clear that London is still in wartime mode: the many neon and illuminated signs remain turned off and you will see the statue of Eros is boarded up and covered with adverts for war bonds. You may also sense the anticipation and excitement that is breaking out. Fighter planes have been executing outrageous loops and manoeuvres over the city centre all afternoon and the newspaper sellers have started shouting ‘War is over!’ Note, too, that toilet rolls have begun to fly out of office windows in central London; you may well see more.

  V FOR VICTORY. THE SIGN CHURCHILL TAUGHT A NATION. IF YOU WANT TO JOIN IN, TAKE YOUR CUE FROM THE LADY IN THE TWEED JACKET.

  MONDAY 7 MAY: EVE OF VE DAY

  Take your time to explore the Piccadilly Circus area, but do try and be near a wireless in any one of the area’s MILK BARS or CAFES for 7.40pm, when the OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT OF VE DAY will be made. The BBC presenter will read the words: ‘in accordance with the arrangement made between the three great powers, tomorrow, Tuesday, will be treated as Victory in Europe Day and will be regarded as a holiday’. You should then be able to hear the sound of thousands of TUGBOATS and SHIPS moored on the Thames blasting their horns.

  As the news sinks across the country, PICCADILLY CIRCUS will be the place where the party begins. Over the next three hours around 10,000 people will gather here and in the nearby streets. A BONFIRE will actually be assembled and lit on SHAFTESBURY AVENUE. A walk through Soho to the north will lead you to small fires set up in the ruined basements of bombed-out houses. This is a good chance, while there is still some breathing room, to join a CONGA LINE, do the HOKEY-COKEY or dance with a range of servicemen. However, the party will be abruptly terminated by the weather. Around midnight a sharp summer THUNDERSTORM will break, lightning sheets will rent the sky and the rain will fall for a couple of hours. Fortunately this is the last time you’ll need to run for cover on this trip. The rest of your stay will be dry and 8 May will be a warm spring day. When you are ready for bed, head
to the corner of Piccadilly Circus and Regent Street. A room has been booked in your name at the very respectable REGENT PALACE HOTEL (Piccadilly Circus, W1; Telephone – Regent 7000), reached across a courtyard graced by an Art Deco cut-glass dome.

  EATING AND DRINKING

  Britain has been on rations for nearly six years and they are not about to be lifted any time soon. Even in the West End of London, where restaurants, hotels and cafés remain in operation, food can be hard to come by and is of the most variable quality. With this in mind we have taken the liberty of making a booking in your name for both lunch and dinner at the SAVOY HOTEL (90 The Strand, WC1; Telephone – Temple Bar 4343). It’s a bit of a bargain. Despite its very well-heeled clientele, wartime restrictions mean both meals are a very reasonable five shillings (plus, for non-residents, a 3s 6d ‘house charge’ sting). You will spot senior members of the allied military command and members of the Cabinet here and can enjoy the laid-back swing of American pianist Carroll Gibbons and the Savoy Hotel Orpheans. VICTORY LUNCH will be a three course affair with wine: La Tasse de Consommé Niçoise de la Victoire, La Volaille des Iles Britanniques, La Citronette Joyeuse Deliverance, La Coupe Glacee des Allies and Le Médaillon du Soldat. The VICTORY DINNER is less elaborate: soup, chicken and iced peaches.

  More modest fare is available at the LYONS CORNER HOUSES dotted across the West End. These are palatial, too, in their own way and cater for everyone. Those of you who have chosen to go in uniform may well be offered a free tea and a bun, but there is plenty to suit the most modest budgets. You will find a FOOD HALL on the ground floor and themed restaurants on the next three (or four in larger branches). You can use the phone, send a telegram, or get your hair and laundry done while you eat. The interiors are richly decorated with a kind of popular Art Nouveau swank that made them the people’s palaces of the era. The waiting staff, all female, are dressed in identical black and white uniforms and are known as NIPPIES. Gay travellers will be pleased to find that an informal camp corner, orchestrated by the nippies, is available in these establishments. The classic corner houses are located on the Strand, Coventry Street and Tottenham Court Road.

  Hotel restaurants, with which the company has an arrangement, include the STRAND PALACE, the REGENT PALACE and the CUMBERLAND. They are open twenty-four hours a day. For those with more contemporary tastes, some of London’s first INDIAN RESTAURANTS can be found just a stone’s throw from the main VE day parties in Soho. Establishments include the DURBAR and the BENGAL INDIAN on Percy Street, the DILKUSH on Windmill Street, and the SHALIMAR on Wardour Street.

  STREET PARTIES are another option for the peckish. Larders will have been raided, pantries emptied and ingredients pooled by neighbours and families. There will be cakes and scones and things made of egg powder and grey pastry that only the brave will contemplate. Either way, go easy; people have been saving up for this for years.

  More pressing may be the issue of ALCOHOL. Many establishments in central London will run out of beer relatively early on in the evening. We suggest you take the opportunity to drink up early and spend some of Friday evening exploring takeouts from the pubs and grocers in Soho.

  TUESDAY 8 MAY: VE DAY

  The morning of 8 May will begin brightly. Perhaps the first thing you will note is the sound of CHURCH BELLS ringing. They will be a ubiquitous background to most of the rest of the day. Piccadilly Circus is again a good place to begin and take in the moment. Newspaper sellers will be plentiful, passers-by will want to take a look at your copy and start up a conversation. The Daily Mail headline is ‘It’s All Over’, the Daily Express opts for ‘This is VE Day’ and the US forces paper, Stars and Stripes, opts for the robust ‘Nazis Quit’. The Daily Mirror has been teasing its readers with the prospect of cartoon starlet Jane appearing in the buff on the day the war was won. Pick up a copy and see how they handle that promise.

  Alternatively you might like to take the chance of a moment’s peace and reflection before the party gets going. A SERVICE OF REMEMBRANCE will be held at ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL at noon, but do try and get there in good time, as it’s going to be completely packed. (Take the tube: eastbound Central Line from Oxford Circus to St Paul’s.)

  VE DAY AFTERNOON

  BUCKINGHAM PALACE – which is best approached from the Mall or Birdcage Walk – is not looking at its best. The stone is filthy and many of its windows are either blacked out or bricked up. The central balcony, which has been wreathed in crimson and gold velvet drapes, makes it look even worse. It’s been a long war.

  People will be gathering here from around 10am, their numbers growing steadily through the day, but there won’t be much to see till gone 11am when various convoys of worthies, including the ROYAL FAMILY in OPEN HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGES, make their way in and out of the Palace gates. The biggest crowds will be present for the appearances of CHURCHILL WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY at around 5.30pm and again at 9.30pm. The royals – KING GEORGE, QUEEN ELIZABETH and the PRINCESSES ELIZABETH AND MARGARET – will make six other balcony appearances during the day. The King is in full naval officer gear, the Queen has a terribly large hat on, which she will exchange for a diamond tiara for the late-night appearances. Elizabeth is the one wearing WVS khaki, Princess Margaret is in blue and exhibiting a nervous hair-touching tic. The princesses are going to be allowed out of the palace in the company of two Guards officers later this evening. If you do spot them, be cautious about following.

  Just a few minutes’ walk away along the Mall is TRAFALGAR SQUARE, which will be full by 1.00pm and remain that way into the small hours of 9 May. Of particular note are the HAWKERS working the crowd outside the National Gallery selling victory rosettes in red, white and blue, Union Jacks on sticks, cardboard party hats and Churchill badges. Listen out for the pitch, ‘Churchill for sixpence: Worth more!’ In the afternoon a small ensemble will be performing selections from the best of GILBERT AND SULLIVAN OPERETTAS here. Look out later on tonight for the GIRL IN THE RED DRESS with white polka dots, who will be carried to the top of one of the fountains by two British army officers as the crowd applauds.

  DANCING IN THE STREETS: WAR OFFICE GIRLS GET TO GRIPS WITH GIS.

  If what you want are SPEECHES and moments of collective triumph, then you need to head for WHITEHALL, which leads off Trafalgar Square through Admiralty Arch, and PARLIAMENT SQUARE, which lies at the far end of Whitehall just beyond the Cenotaph. Along the way you will note the MINISTRY OF HEALTH, whose balcony will already decked in Union Jacks, and which will be used throughout the day. Note also, two-thirds of the way down Whitehall on your right, the CABINET OFFICE and the rooms from where CHURCHILL will make his key 3pm broadcast. Finally, walk past the Cenotaph and you will see the HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT on your left. These locations will be jam-packed from about 1.30pm and if you are to get a good vantage point we suggest you get down there well before 1pm. The crowd will be well ordered and there is no worry of crushes, but it is not for the claustrophobic. Do note the bus inching through the crowd which has the words ‘Hitler missed the bus’ chalked on it. A small cameo will occur at 2.40pm, when a naval officer will appear on the balcony opposite the Ministry of Works dressed as a PANTOMIME HITLER and proceed to impersonate him to much applause.

  Then at 3.00pm Big Ben will strike the hour and the crowd will fall silent. You will finally hear CHURCHILL SPEAK through one of the many megaphones set up on Whitehall’s lampposts: ‘Yesterday at 2.41am at Headquarters, General Jodl, the representative of the German High Command, and Grand Admiral Donitz, the designated head of the German state, signed the unconditional surrender.’ The crowd will cheer especially on the announcement of the ceasefire, the relief of the Channel Islands, and the shout-outs for Eisenhower and the Russians. Churchill will wind up with a reminder about the Pacific War, still in progress, and end with: ‘Advance Britannia! Long live the cause of freedom. God save the King!’ Then the OFFICIAL CEASEFIRE will be heralded by the bugles of the Royal Horse Guards, followed by a mass rendition of the National Anthem. Depending
on where you are at this point it might be possible to edge towards PARLIAMENT SQUARE, where at around 3.30pm you will see Churchill standing in the back of an open-top car which will be creeping through the ecstatic crowd, making the short journey from the Cabinet Rooms to the Houses of Parliament.

  The BUSINESS OF THE HOUSE will take another hour or so with MPs gathering to hear Churchill, then attending a joint service of remembrance with the Lords and a late departure for the Prime Minister after he forgets his cigars. CHURCHILL will reappear around 5pm puffing heartily on an absolute stonker as he is driven towards Buckingham Palace. Keep an eye on the skies (though you will hear the noise long beforehand) as a flight of Lancaster bombers will pass overhead to great acclaim, letting off enormous plumes of green and red smoke.

  THE GANG’S ALL HERE – FAVOURITE SONGS

  The soundtrack of 1945, especially on the dance floors, has been overwhelmingly American – with the big band and swing sounds of Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman and Andrews Sisters commanding the airwaves. However, in the crowd tonight it is the old sing-along favourites that have the floor. Expect to hear all of the these at some point on your trip. You might want to join in (song sheets can be found in your pocket or handbag).

  Land of Hope and Glory

  Roll Out the Barrel

  Knees Up Mother Brown

  We Going to Hang up the Washing on the Siegfried Line