Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Kiss of Doom: Filming was to start after Crosby’s summer concert tour, but he died in Spain of a heart attack while golfing. Crosby’s death didn’t kill the project, though—George Burns agreed to replace Crosby. But Hope and screenwriter Ben Starr got into a public spat over U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War, refused to speak to each other...and the movie died.

  Average lifespan of an umbrella: 1-1/2 years.

  MORE IRREGULAR NEWS

  Just when you think you’ve heard everything...

  LET’S NAME HIM BUTTOCKS!

  “Japan’s system of writing, which evolved from ancient Chinese script, was simplified after World War II when the government abolished thousands of characters. In recent years, however, authorities in Tokyo have been under pressure to reinstate obscure and archaic characters so that more interesting and original children’s names can be created, says the Daily Telegraph. As a result, the justice ministry proposed an additional 578 characters for names, but included dozens that most parents might view as in poor taste, such as ‘Piles,’ ‘Buttocks,’ and ‘Prostitute.’”

  —Ananova

  BAD OWNER!

  “A police patrol in Nuremberg, Germany, noticed a woman, identified only as Gerda M., walking her dog Leonie in the city centre. The large mixed-breed dog only weighed 12 kg (32 pounds). It was taken to a pet shelter, where one worker told reporters, ‘I have seen many miserable things, but never something this cruel. This dog should weigh at least 25 kilos (66 pounds).’ He said the owner told him she was trying to get the dog down to 5 kg (13 pounds) so she could take it on a plane as part of her carry-on luggage.”

  —Pakistan Daily Times

  ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

  “In this age of airport security, screeners are under stringent orders to carefully check all baggage. Yesterday at Boston’s Logan Airport they discovered one for the books: the severed head of a harbor seal. They discovered it in a small cooler and immediately notified authorities. The head was apparently checked in by a Colorado man who told investigators that he is a biology professor and had found a dead seal on Revere Beach. He then cut off its head so he could take it home ‘for educational purposes.’ After more than an hour of questioning, investigators allowed the man to board a plane—without the seal’s head.”

  —Boston Globe

  Thirsty? Each day, the U.S. uses 134,000,000,000 gallons of water to irrigate crops.

  LOST AND FOUND

  “The family of Maryland resident Joynal Abedin worried for more than two weeks after he failed to return home from work the week before Christmas. Then, on Jan. 5, Abedin’s wife received a $17,000 bill from Washington Hospital Center in the mail. Her husband had been killed in a hit-and-run accident in Prince George’s County. Although he was carrying ID, some of it contained an old address and police had been unable to locate his family, officials said. Abedin’s family is now asking why police couldn’t find the family when the hospital could—to send them a bill.”

  —Washington Post

  DO AS I SAY...

  “The owner of one of the largest fashion empires in North America is fighting a child support claim for $68,000 per month plus $5.5 million in back payments because he doesn’t want his 16-year-old son to suffer from ‘affluenza.’ A lawyer for multi-millionaire clothier Peter Nygard told Madam Justice Ruth Mesbar he would be calling an expert to testify ‘too much money is bad for children.’”

  —Toronto Star

  SERIOUSLY WHACKED

  “A boardwalk game called ‘Whack the Iraq,’ is causing controversy at the Jersey shore. It’s located at the end of Morey’s Pier in Wild-wood. Players shoot paint balls at live human targets dressed as Iraqis. Figures of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden adorn the arcade. The operator of ‘Whack the Iraq’ said the game is just seaside fun and is not meant to offend anyone. A sign at the game states that ‘Whack the Iraq’ is intended to insult only one person, Saddam Hussein.”

  —NBC

  BACK TO NATURE

  “Officials in Botswana have issued a plea to people who want to commit suicide: use trees, not trains. ‘I am sick of these people who throw themselves in front of the trains,’ Minister of Transport Tebelo Seretse told a newspaper. ‘The drivers are people—why turn them into murderers?’”

  —Deutsche Presse-Agentur

  More than 90% of the actions performed by the nervous system are reflex actions.

  HOW NOT TO GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING

  On page 215 we told you about some people who were struck by lightning and lived to tell the tale. But don’t tempt Mother Nature. Here are some tips on how to avoid getting the shock of a lifetime.

  THE 30-30 RULE

  How do you know when you’re close enough to a thunderstorm to be at risk? Experts say that if you can hear thunder, you’re near enough to the storm to be struck by lightning. A more precise rule of thumb is the “30-30 rule.”

  30 Seconds: When you see a flash of lightning, count off the seconds until you hear the accompanying thunderclap. If you count 30 seconds or less, you’re close enough to be at risk of being struck by lightning. Seek shelter indoors.

  30 Minutes: Remain indoors until 30 minutes after the last flash of lightning. After that it’s safe to go back outside.

  The 30-30 rule applies even if it hasn’t started raining, or if the storm clouds are far away. Lightning can travel horizontally as far as 10 miles before striking the ground, so even if the sky overhead is blue, you can still be in danger.

  STAYING LOW

  Because air is a poor conductor of electricity, lightning takes the shortest path to the ground. It does this by striking high ground, tall trees, or other prominent features on the landscape. So one way to avoid lightning is to make sure you aren’t the tallest object around and that you aren’t standing next to—or under—the tallest object, either.

  •Avoid trees and hilltops. Open fields aren’t much better—if you’re standing in the middle of one, you’re probably the tallest thing around. Head for a gully or whatever low point is nearby.

  •If you’re in a forest and avoiding trees isn’t possible, stay away from the taller ones. Take cover under shrubs or a grove of low trees.

  •If you’re high up on a mountain, go back down below the tree line and seek shelter underneath a grove of small trees.

  A mouse’s heart is smaller than an M&M.

  •Lightning is also attracted to water, so stay out of swimming pools, lakes, rivers, and other bodies of water.

  THE LIGHTNING SAFETY POSITION

  •If you’re stuck out in the open, assume the “lightning safety position.” Squat to lower your profile and touch your heels together, so that if lightning does strike nearby, it will—hopefully—pass through your legs without going through your heart and other major organs. Cover your ears to protect against the sound of thunder.

  •Some victims say they were able to tell that they were about to be struck by lightning—the hair on their arms or their head stood up just before the strike. If you ever experience this during a thunderstorm, head for shelter immediately. If none is available, crouch down and assume the lightning safety position.

  GIMME SHELTER

  Not all storm shelters are equal. The best shelters are the ones that provide lightning with an easy path to the ground.

  •The very best, of course, is a building with a lightning rod—a metal rod on the roof of the building that’s connected by a wire to another metal rod buried in the ground.

  •Next best is a building with plumbing, electric wiring, cable TV, or telephone lines. Even rain gutters with downspouts can provide a path for lightning to reach the ground.

  •Shelters with no plumbing or wiring, such as bleachers and garden sheds, offer little or no protection from lightning.

  •Cars do offer protection. Just roll up the windows and be careful not to touch any metal surfaces. Bicycles, motorcycles, and other open vehicles can actually attract lightning, so get away from them.

  �
��Once indoors, stay away from windows and open doors and avoid touching plumbing fixtures, electrical wires, and phone lines. Stay away from electrical appliances: unplug them if you can, and do it before the storm arrives to avoid possible electric shock.

  •Talking on a corded phone during a thunderstorm is the number one cause of indoor lightning injuries in the U.S., so hang up.

  •Concrete walls and floors may look safe, but they’re likely to contain metal mesh and reinforcing bars—which conduct electricity—so avoid contact with them.

  Americans consume 450 hot dogs every second.

  NEPHEW OF A DICTATOR

  Imagine being related to someone so universally despised that you couldn’t even use your own last name. We recently came upon David Gardner’s book, The Last of the Hitlers, and pieced together this forgotten bit of history.

  THE NAME RINGS A BELL

  On August 21, 1942, a young Englishman walked into the local draft board so he could enlist in the U.S. military to fight in World War II. The board looked over his enlistment forms and then turned him down on the spot, just as he’d been turned down by Canada, and just as he’d been turned down when he tried to enlist in the British armed forces back home.

  What was it that caused the armed forces of three different countries to reject his application out of hand? On the part of the form where enlistees have to identify living relatives who have served in the armed forces of either the Allied or Axis powers, he had entered the following:

  1. Thomas Dowling. Uncle. England. 1923-1926. Royal Air Force.

  2. Adolf Hitler. Uncle. Germany. 1914-1918. Corporal.

  The young man’s full name was William Patrick Hitler. He was the son of Adolf Hitler’s older half-brother Alois, and Alois’s first wife, an Irishwoman named Bridget Dowling.

  FAMILY TIES

  For both William and his mother, the association with the Hitler side of the family was troubled from the start. Bridget was only 17 when she met Alois at the 1909 Dublin Horse Show. Alois dressed sharply and told her he was in the “hotel business,” but as Bridget’s suspicious father soon discovered, he was actually a penniless waiter with few prospects. He ordered his daughter to break off the relationship, but she and Alois eloped to England instead. Nine months and nine days later, Bridget gave birth to William Patrick.

  Get outta town! In Fairbanks, Alaska, moose are banned from mating within city limits.

  Marital bliss did not last long. Alois beat his infant son and sank what little money the family had in one get-rich-quick scheme after another. He finally abandoned his family in 1914 and skipped off to Germany, never to return. Bridget claimed in her memoirs, My Brother-in-law Adolf, that Alois even had a friend write to her during World War I saying her husband had died in battle, just so she’d never try to track him down for alimony.

  UNCLE ADOLF

  For nearly a decade both Bridget and William believed Alois was dead. It wasn’t until Adolf Hitler staged his Beer Hall Putsch in Munich in 1923 that they learned the truth. The event made headlines in English newspapers, and when 14-year-old William Patrick read them he realized that Adolf was his uncle. He thought “Uncle Adolf” might be able to tell him more about his father’s death and where he was buried, so he wrote him a letter in care of the mayor of Munich.

  Adolf Hitler never wrote back—but Alois Hitler did. He announced to his son that he not only was still alive, but that he had remarried (without ever bothering to divorce Bridget) and fathered another son, named Heinz. And thanks to William’s letter to the mayor of Munich, he was now facing trial for bigamy. Alois needed Bridget’s help to beat the bigamy rap. He pled poverty as usual, but he promised that if Bridget helped him out of the mess he was in, he’d soon be wealthy with the help of his brother’s growing influence and would be able to repay her for all the years she’d raised their son alone.

  Bridget agreed, and with her help Alois got off with the minimum fine and no jail time. Not surprisingly, he never did send Bridget any money.

  IN THE NEWS

  William had to wait six more years before he was finally reunited with his father, during a two-week visit to Germany in 1929. He met his Uncle Adolf during a second trip to Germany the following year. That meeting went well, but relations between the dictator and his nephew soon soured.

  By 1931 Hitler’s international profile had risen to the point that the British press began taking an active interest in his career and was interviewing his relatives. The very thought of this sent Adolf into fits of rage. He was afraid that if his brother’s bigamy became public knowledge, it might cost him the support he needed to get to the top. So he summoned his nephew to Berlin and screamed at him uncontrollably for the better part of an afternoon. That got William to stop talking to the press...for a while.

  Studies show that most women prefer razors designed for men.

  BLACK SHEEP

  By this time, England was in an economic depression. Finding and keeping a job wasn’t easy, even if your last name wasn’t Hitler, but for William, it was impossible. Both he and his mother were fired from their jobs for being related to Adolf Hitler.

  After more than a year and a half without a job, in October 1933, William Patrick was finally offered a job as a department store clerk in Berlin. Hitler was now chancellor of Germany, and didn’t like the idea of one of his relatives working in a department store, so he forbade William from taking the job. Hitler controlled the economy, so William couldn’t get any job without his uncle’s approval. And because Hitler refused to advance his career, William bounced from one low-paying job to another. But he never gave up his British citizenship, and never became a Nazi.

  Finally, after about five years, nephew and uncle decided they’d had enough of each other. Adolf summoned William to his offices, screamed at him again, and told him either to become a German citizen or get out. William left Germany in February 1939.

  FRESH START

  By this time, Hitler had already invaded Czechoslovakia and Austria, and was seven months away from invading Poland, the start of World War II.

  William had no future in Germany, and things didn’t look bright in England either, not for him and especially not for his mother. Though she’d been born in Ireland, then a part of the British Empire, when Bridget married Alois Hitler she became a citizen of Austria. When Hitler absorbed Austria into the Third Reich, she became a citizen of Nazi Germany. Now she wasn’t just a Hitler trying to find a job in wartime England, she was a German Hitler looking for work.

  She and William decided to try their luck in America. William found that he could make enough money to support them by writing newspaper and magazine articles with titles like “To Hell with Hitler” and “Why I Hate My Uncle,” and by touring the country making speeches against the Führer.

  Liberace owned a retracting toilet. It sank into the bathroom floor at the flip of a switch.

  William then set his sights on joining the U.S. military. Upon being rejected, he wrote a letter to President Franklin Roosevelt. Roosevelt forwarded it to FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, who launched an investigation into William’s background. A month later, Hoover wrote back to the president that “no information was developed to indicate that [Hitler] was engaged in any activities of a subversive nature.”

  Finally, after waiting over two years, William was inducted into the U.S. Navy in March 1944. Very little is known about his time in the military, other than that he served in the medical corps and received a shrapnel wound to his leg, apparently while in action.

  INTO HIDING

  Adolf Hitler committed suicide on April 30, 1945, and Germany surrendered a few days later. His nephew remained in the Navy until March 1946. After his discharge, he moved to New York and became a U.S. citizen. Then he and his mother changed their last names and disappeared from public view.

  William lived in complete anonymity for nearly 30 years, until Pulitzer Prize–winning historian and Hitler biographer John Toland made a trip to Hamburg, Germany,
in the early 1970s to interview Hitler’s distant relatives. One relative showed him a picture of William holding his infant son. Using information the family members gave him, Toland tracked William down to the New York City area. William did not want to talk, and Toland agreed not to disclose his new last name or place of residence.

  William apparently retained some form of admiration for his uncle—or at least a perverse form of pride in being related to such a major, albeit notorious, historical figure. The photograph of William and his infant son was the first sign to anyone outside the Hitler family that William might actually be proud of his family tree. The child’s name was written on the back: Adolf.

  FOUND

  The story stopped there until 1995, when British journalist David Gardner tried to track William Patrick Hitler down for an article on the 50th anniversary of Adolf Hitler’s suicide. The anniversary came and went without Gardner being able to find Hitler’s nephew, but he kept digging. Finally, after three years of sifting through Social Security records and chasing down every possible lead, Gardner located Bridget Hitler’s grave in a cemetery in a small town on Long Island, New York. She had died in 1969. There on the same tomb-stone was the name of William, who had died in July 1987. By the time Gardner found his man, he’d been dead 11 years.

  The Assyrians curled their hair with curling irons...3,500 years ago.

  Once he’d found the grave, finding out where William’s widow lived wasn’t difficult. Not surprisingly, she didn’t want to talk, although she did confirm that she was his widow and that he was indeed Hitler’s nephew. She and William had four sons: Adolf (who now goes by the name Alex), born in 1949; Louis, born in 1951; Howard, born in 1957; and Brian, born in 1965.