Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader
Page 50
Howard, the only son who ever married, died in a car accident in 1989. He had no children. At last report Alex, Louis, and Brian were all still alive, still living under the assumed name that their father chose when he went underground after World War II.
In his book, Gardner does not reveal the name. But, providing further insight into William’s seemingly ambivalent attitude toward his uncle, Gardner describes the name as a “double-barreled alias derived from an English author whose racist texts helped mold Hitler’s Nazi doctrines.”
DESCENDANTS
Today Alex counsels Vietnam veterans, and Louis and Brian are partners in a landscaping business. Gardner reports that the three surviving sons of William Patrick Hitler have made a pact never to marry or father children, in order to ensure that the male line of the Hitler family dies out when they are gone.
When Gardner asked William’s widow and sons to sit for formal interviews for his book, they all declined. But Alex did make one request: “Just make sure you say good things about [Dad] because he was a good guy,” Gardner quotes him as saying. “He came to the United States, he served in the U.S. Navy, he had four kids and he had a pretty good life.”
Ernest Hemingway appeared in magazine ads for Parker Pens and Ballantine Ale.
CODE BROWN
More colorful language from our friends in the healthcare profession. Stat!
TMB: Too Many Birthdays (suffering from old age)
FORD: Found On Road Dead
House Red: Blood
TRO: Time Ran Out
Frequent Flier: Someone who is regularly taken to the hospital in an ambulance, even though they aren’t sick (because it’s free and something to do)
Code Zero: Another name for a “Frequent Flyer.” The real radio codes range from Code 1 (not serious) to Code 4 (emergency)
Code Yellow: A patient who has wet the bed
Code Brown: (You can guess this one yourself)
FOOSH: Fell Onto Outstretched Hand (a broken wrist)
T&T Sign: Tattoos-and-teeth. (Strange but true: Patients with a lot of tattoos and missing teeth are more likely to survive major injuries)
DFO: Done Fell Out (of bed)
MGM Syndrome: A “patient” who is faking illness and putting on a really good show
WNL: Will Not Listen
SYB: Save Your Breath, as in, “SYB, he WNL”
Insurance Pain: An inordinate amount of neck pain following a minor auto collision with a wealthy driver
ALP: Acute Lead Poisoning
—a gunshot wound
ALP (A/C): Acute Lead Poisoning (Air Conditioning)
—multiple gunshot wounds
Flower Sign: Lots of flowers at a patient’s bedside (may indicate the patient is a good candidate for early discharge, since they have friends and family who can care for them)
ART: Assuming Room Temperature (deceased)
Bagged and Tagged: A body that is ready to be taken to the hospital morgue (it’s in a body bag and has a toe tag)
AMF Yo Yo: Adios, Mother-f@#*!, You’re On Your Own
Don’t believe the ads! Lather has little to do with a shampoo’s cleaning ability.
MADE IN CHINA
Have you ever noticed that it seems like everything is made in China? Well, almost everything is made in China. Here’s why. (And if you want to know what’s not made in China, see page 450.)
IN THE RED
Prior to World War II, China was a major economic force, exporting huge amounts of raw goods (such as tea and rice) all over the world. When Mao Tse-Tung’s Communist government assumed control of China in 1949, it took over all of the country’s businesses. Not content with only exporting agricultural goods, Chairman Mao wanted China to become a major industrial power. So he implemented China’s first “Five Year Plan” for economic development. Money, resources, and labor were all allocated by the government, which also set wages and prices. Even consumption of food and goods would be controlled through strict rationing.
Result: industry grew rapidly, but agricultural production suffered. The next Five Year Plan (1958) aimed to revive the agricultural sector to such heights that China could be completely self-sufficient. Farming output increased as planned, but the government neglected to update food storage and transportation technology. A huge grain crop went to waste and, coupled with huge floods from failed irrigation experiments, 30 million people in China starved to death between 1958 and 1961—the worst famine in recorded history.
After China publicly criticized the USSR for bowing to American pressure and removing missiles from Cuba during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Soviet Union withdrew economic assistance in 1962. The rest of the world turned its back on China after it invaded India twice (1959 and 1962), suppressed a rebellion in Tibet (1959), and aided Vietnam in the Vietnam War. By 1970, China was almost completely alone. Self-sufficiency was the goal—but isolation was the result.
NIXON GOES TO CHINA
Conditions would begin to improve after President Richard Nixon’s 1971 visit to Beijing. China agreed to re-establish ties with the United States on the condition that American troops would leave Taiwan. (They had been stationed in the Chinese province since the Communist takeover.) Nixon agreed; tensions eased between China and the U.S.
Money well spent: It cost $1,505,675 to build the Eiffel Tower in 1887.
OUT WITH THE OLD...
Chairman Mao died in 1976 and was replaced by the moderate Deng Xiaoping. Rejecting Mao’s failed plans for self-sufficiency, Deng opened China to the world in 1980. To hasten modernization, the government encouraged foreign investment and invited western companies to bring their technology to China in the form of entire state-of-the-art Western factories. State-owned businesses remained the standard, but private ownership of companies became legal. Most revolutionary of all, the government took a capitalist approach to taxing businesses: it took a cut of the business’ profits and allowed the remainder to be reinvested into the companies. The result of Deng’s policies: China’s industry grew at an annual rate of 11 percent in the 1980s and 17 percent in the 1990s, the fastest rate in the world at the time.
But here’s what motivated American companies to open factories in China: cheap labor and lots of it. (As of 2002, the Chinese workforce was 762 million people.) China’s large population creates huge demand (and competition) for jobs. This drives down wages, and they’re made even lower by the government, which keeps pay rates low to control business costs. A worker in China earns about five percent of what a worker doing the same job in the United States would earn. Plus in China, there are no benefits, sick leave, or worker’s compensation. China’s labor laws are very relaxed: shifts can be 12 hours a day and most factories operate like sweatshops. One of the highest costs of doing business is labor, so low wages means products manufactured in China are unbeatably inexpensive, both to make and to buy.
WORLD DOMINATION
Today Western companies in almost every industry have factories in China. Even with the expense of moving overseas and constantly having to ship materials and goods to Chinese factories, the low wage rates (and lower taxes) still make it highly profitable. Economists estimate that as much as 90 percent of retail goods available in the United States were made in China.
Some prehistoric dragonflies had wingspans as big as a hawk’s.
•Some of the products: Apple computers, Avon cosmetics, Boeing airplanes, Clorox bleach, John Deere tractors, Dow chemicals, General Motors car parts, Hewlett-Packard printers, Johnson & Johnson first aid products, Mattel toys, Motorola cell phones, Toshiba televisions, Black & Decker drills, Intel microprocessors, Maytag appliances, Dell computers, Outboard Marine boats, Head & Shoulders shampoo, Rand McNally maps, Sony PlayStations, Serta mattresses, Sherwin-Williams paint, and Xerox copiers.
•Other companies use Chinese facilities to manufacture satellites, ships, trains, mining machinery, oil drilling equipment, power generators, plastics, pharmaceuticals, bicycles, sewing machines, metal kni
ck-knacks, cement, coffee makers, shoes, and dishes.
•China produces more clothes than any other country. Its industry includes cotton, wool, linen, silk, and chemical fibers, as well as printing, dyeing, knitting, and automatic manufacture.
•China is the largest producer of steel in the world. From stainless steel to sheet metal to pipes, China passed Britain as the world’s largest steel producer in the 1960s. The Chinese government increased industrial production so quickly by reassigning millions of farmers to crude backyard furnaces where they made steel from low-grade ore, scrap metal, and even household items.
•The world’s six largest producers of American flags are all based in China. Most religious merchandise (like Virgin Mary statues, rosaries, and Buddha figurines) sold in the United States are made in China...a country with little religious freedom.
IRONIC DEATH
In 1958 Tyrone Power made a promotional film for the American Heart Association: “For all of us, the most precious element we have is time. But time runs out all too soon for millions of us because of an enemy that takes more lives than all other diseases combined: the heart.” It was the last film he ever completed. A few months later, while filming a scene in Solomon and Sheeba, Power keeled over and died. The cause: heart attack.
The Palustris hefner species of rabbit is named for Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner.
(NOT) MADE IN CHINA
Economists estimate that as much as 90% of all retail goods available in the United States are made overseas, particularly in China. These products include stereos, plastic toys, cups, belts, TVs, shoes, T-shirts, backpacks, telephones, coffee makers, toasters, and even religious memorabilia, just to name a few. Even though so many things are made in China, the things you might assume come from China probably don’t.
•Fine china. Most fine china plates are bone china, a high-quality porcelain. The majority of the world’s china is made not in China, but in England, Italy, and the United States.
•Tea. The phrase “not for all the tea in China” is misleading—India is the world’s largest grower of black tea, accounting for a third of the world’s supply. China, where tea originated, produces 10%.
•Opium. Ever seen an old movie with a scene of Chinese men relaxing in an opium den? Opium isn’t Chinese. The British smuggled it into China from India.
•Rice. Rice is closely associated with Chinese food. But China isn’t the world’s largest exporter. Not even close. Thailand shipped 7.5 million tons of rice in 2002. China exported only 2 million.
•Chinese food. General Tso’s chicken was invented in New York in 1972. Fried wonton originated at the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair.
•China dolls. They were never made in China. Germany, France, and Denmark began making these porcelain dolls in the 1840s.
•Fortune cookies. They were invented in 1914 at San Francisco’s Japanese Tea Garden. While there are now fortune cookie factories in China, most are made by the Wonton Food Company in New York—they churn out 2.5 million cookies daily.
•Chinese checkers. Based on Halma, an earlier game played on a square board. Pressman Brothers created a star-shaped game board in 1928 and called it Chinese Checkers to capitalize on the popularity of mah-jongg.
According to the experts, 75% of people wash their stomach first when showering.
OOPS!
More tales of outrageous blunders.
NEXT TIME, BRING A MAP
“A $200,000 diamond on the front of Christian Klien’s Formula One car is missing after he crashed during the Monaco Grand Prix yesterday. The button-sized diamond was part of a promotion for the forthcoming film, Ocean’s 12, starring George Clooney. The diamond disappeared between Klien crashing his car on the opening lap, and the car reaching the Jaguar garage more than two hours later. Klien said: ‘That will be the most expensive drive I’ll ever take around Monte Carlo.’”
—Ananova
IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW
“A report in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle described a local patient’s remarkable recovery from botulism paralysis. After the toxin struck her in June 2000, the woman lay in her hospital bed, able to hear everything around her but unable to communicate in any way. Someone erroneously said she was a big fan of singer Celine Dion and after that, in an effort to aid the woman’s recovery, the hospital staff played the singer’s music in her room around the clock for weeks. When the paralysis left the woman, one of the first joys she experienced, she said, was stopping the music because she actually never cared for Dion.”
—Albany (New York) Times-Union
DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN
“A sleeping Indian street worker had to be rushed to the hospital when he woke to find a mouse had climbed into his mouth and lodged in his windpipe. ‘It was a terrible experience,’ said the man. ‘The mouse has ruined my appetite.’ (The mouse didn’t survive.)”
—Universal Press Syndicate
SOMETHING’S FISHY
“Firefighters in London believe a goldfish bowl may have acted as a magnifying glass which concentrated the sun’s rays and set fire to a rat-catcher’s poisonous chemicals. The sun’s rays entered a shed where the goldfish were kept and then passed through to another where tablets of aluminum phosphide were stored. The chemicals gave off noxious fumes when firemen tried to dampen them down. Eighteen firefighters, four paramedics, and four neighbors were taken to the hospital suffering from vomiting, nausea and burning chest sensations. The goldfish did not survive the conflagration.”
—Reuters
Coincidence? Harry Truman’s first day as president was on Friday the 13th.
SURPRISE!
“A lovesick couple passed each other mid-flight when they both tried to surprise their partner with a round-the-world visit. Ian Johnstone, a bricklayer in Australia, took a flight back to the Yorkshire home he shared with his girlfriend Amy Dolby with the intention of proposing to her. At the same time, Dolby was on her way to Sydney to surprise him. The couple even both had stopovers in Singapore at the same time. He arrived at their flat with champagne, flowers, and an engagement ring only to find it empty. He was woken that night by a phone call from Dolby, who was 11,000 miles away, wondering where he was. ‘It was as though someone was playing a cruel joke,’ she told the Daily Telegraph. The couple ended up spending two weeks apart, and will not see each other again for six months.”
—BBC News
TROPHY CHILD
“An 11-month-old baby became stuck in the European Cup after his father put him in it for a photo. The Barcelona fan was at the club’s museum when he put the baby in the replica of the original. It took police and firemen more than 20 minutes to get the baby out. The baby was unharmed.”
—Ananova
ADULT EDUCATION
“The Derry School District in Derry, New Hampshire, has removed the link to the ‘Save Our Schools’ committee from its Web site. Reason: When a town official clicked on the link, it took him to a porn site, instead. It turns out that someone at the ‘Save Our Schools’ committee let their domain name expire, and it was purchased by the porn site. ‘It’s embarrassing,’ district superintendent John Moody told reporters, ‘but inadvertent.’”
—Parker’s Compendium
Ani-mail: Cows, camels, reindeer, and cats have all been used to deliver mail.
A DUMMARY OF WORDS
Here’s a fun game from the Washington Post: pick a word and add, subtract, or alter a single letter to give it a new meaning.
Philaunderer. He may hop from bed to bed, but he always washes the sheets.
Palindromeo. Casanova von Asac, a legendary 18th-century seducer, later revealed to have gone both ways.
The Fundead. Corpses who walk around at night with lampshades on their heads.
Apocalypso. Day-o, me-dayday-day-ay-o. Doomsday come, and me want to go home.
Guiltar. A musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother.
Sitcoma. Typical TV fare.
Errorist. A member of a radical cult who blows himself up in a mannequin factory.
Siddhmartha. A young Indian mystic who discovers the true meaning of life as a ferryman serving only the finest in freshly caught, hickory-grilled, and lightly lemon-seasoned fillets.
Wisenheifer. A calf who sneaks up and tips over sleeping cows.
Idiotarod. An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds.
Nimby-pamby. Not being able to decide what to keep out of one’s backyard.
Dummary. An unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept (e.g.: “Dummary: an unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept”).
Eficient. Extremely efficient.
Urinpal. A guy who uses the one next to you even though all the others are unoccupied.
Whorde. Group of prostitutes.
Hippopotamush. Love letters from Marlon Brando to Roseanne.
Rescute. Saving the attractive women, children, and puppies first.
Tskmaster. An ineffective slave driver.
Platyplus. A mammal with webbed feet, a duck bill and opposable thumbs.
First wildflower of the year: the skunk cabbage, which starts blooming in February.
BATHROOM STATISTICS
You’d be surprised how many corporations and other organizations finance surveys of bathroom-related opinions and behaviors...just to see what you’re doing in there. Some recent findings:
AT HOME
•30% of people suffer from nocturia—they have to get up at least once a night to pee.