Fuzzy Logic

by Susan C. Daffron

  After turning off the arctic water, Kat sat in the bathtub with her legs stretched out in front of her. She rubbed her back where she’d hit the faucet and groaned. “I think this bathroom is out to get me.” This wasn’t the first time she’d fallen in here. Wasn’t slipping in the bathtub a common way to die? Or was it an old wives’ tale? Jan probably could recite the yearly statistics for home accidents. She turned and looked over at Rosa who was sitting in the corner looking unhappy. “We’re not even close to being done here, you know. New plan. I’m turning on the water first. Then you go in.”

  Kat got out of the tub and started the water again. “Look, warm water, Rosa. Nice water. You’re a Lab. You’re supposed to like water, remember?”

  Rosa was unconvinced and turned to paw at the bottom of the bathroom door, her claws clacking on the tile.

  Kat maneuvered around the dog to collect the soap and some old towels from the cabinet. Clearly this was not going to be a simple exercise where the dog stood sedately while being washed. Jan was either lying or had an odd idea of what “standing quietly in the tub” meant. Kat’s next sortie was going to have to be significantly more strategic. She turned off the water, laid the towels on the edge of the sink, and placed the soap and a plastic cup where she could get at them easily from within the tub. She grabbed the dog around the torso again and said, “Okay, Rosa, one more time. We’re doing this thing.”

  Kat used all of the body weight she could muster to lift and haul the front half of the dog into the tub again. Rosa thrashed her front paws in the water, creating a reverse waterfall that shot up into the air drenching Kat, the bathroom walls, and the towels on the sink. Kat readjusted her grip and shoved the dog’s rear end up and over the side of the tub. Rosa splashed in and began to try to stage an exit, but Kat quickly leaped in next to her and leaned on the side of the tub, half sitting on the dog. “HA! We’re in.” She grabbed the bar of soap and the cup and began frantically dumping water on the dog and lathering her up. “Die, stink, die!”

  Rosa seemed to enjoy the soaping-up process more than the initial getting-wet process and Kat started to relax slightly. She bent over the dog, scrubbing particularly putrid areas on Rosa’s legs and underside. In the distance, the phone rang and a cat yowled, but Kat remained focused on her task. The noises seemed to rouse Rosa from her lull and with a mighty grunt, she lurched into the air, throwing Kat off her back and into the water. Leaping over the side of the bathtub, Rosa slid across the tile and slammed her body into the door, which popped open. Cursing the lousy antique latches on the doors in the house, Kat sat up in the tub and heard Rosa thundering down the stairs. Was the doggie door in the basement open?

  Kat splashed out of the tub and slipped and slid over to the stair landing and ran down the stairs after the soapy dog. She skittered across the downstairs hallway Linoleum past the dogs, who had all stood up and were looking interested in all the excitement. Chelsey and Tessa were secured behind a baby gate in Kat’s office, but the dog door was unlatched. Uh-oh.

  Kat opened the back door and ran outside followed by Linus, Lori, and Lady, who leapt around in glee, thrilled with the new fun follow-the-naked-human game. Linus slurped a big glob of soap off Kat’s thigh and then jerked his tongue in and out in disgust. Soap was not quite as tasty as it might look. Kat shooed his head away from her leg. “Yuck Linus. Stop that. Everyone please focus. We have a problem here. Where did Rosa go? We need to find her.”

  Joel stood up on the roof and waved down at Kat. “Hey, this is a good look for you.”

  A fall chill was in the air and Kat crossed her arms across her chest, suddenly feeling extremely exposed. And cold. “Did you see which way Rosa went?”

  “No. I’m guessing the bath didn’t go well?”

  Kat scowled. “What do you think? I’m freezing here. Could you come down and help me look for her? I need to put on some clothes before I get hypothermia and die. I’ll be right back.”

  After putting on an over-sized thick wool sweater and her jeans, Kat returned outside to find Joel crouched next to a shivering Rosa, surrounded by the other dogs.

  With a firm grip on Rosa’s collar, Joel straightened. “Way to bundle up. I think Rosa is cold, too.”

  “Forgive me if I’m not feeling particularly sympathetic to her plight at the moment,” Kat said through chattering teeth. “Let’s go inside. I still have to deal with the rinse cycle. She’s a soapy mess.”

  Joel smiled. “At least she smells a little better. But now I think you might need a bath.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “I’d be willing to help with that.”

  Kat glanced up, saw the amused lascivious look on his face, and her expression softened. “You have been known to be pretty helpful sometimes. Maybe this day won’t be a total loss, after all.”

  Joel helped Kat rinse the remaining soap off Rosa and lived up to his promise to help her wash dog stench off herself as well. Later they collapsed on the sofa, surrounded by the other dogs, who had exhausted themselves with all the excitement. Rosa was curled up in a tight clammy ball, sulking as she worked to generate a soggy spot on the rug.

  Kat leaned back on Joel’s chest and closed her eyes. “I hope I never have to wash a dog again. That was horrible.” She sat up and turned to him. “What if I had to wash Linus? There’s no way I can get a 200-pound dog into the bathroom, much less into the bathtub. It’s a good thing I’m not a very large person or I wouldn’t even have been able to wash Rosa.”

  Joel wrapped his arms around her carefully. “True. But your petite body is looking a little battered after the experience. Does your back still hurt?”

  “Yes. I’m glad I can’t see what it looks like.”

  “It’s colorful.”

  “Great,” Kat said with a sigh. “If there are a lot of carsick dogs like Rosa, we’re going to have to add a grooming area to this whole boarding kennel thing. Or just board Chihuahuas that fit in our itty-bitty bathroom.”

  “Maybe you should add grooming services into your business plan and see if it will work out financially. You never know—maybe you could make a profit with it. But in addition to the extra plumbing for a bath in the kennel, you’d probably also need to hire a groomer. How is the plan going, anyway?”

  Kat shifted in his arms. “It’s a work in progress. I’ve been busy.”

  “Have you started it?”

  “I loaded that spreadsheet software on my computer. And then I opened it.”

  Joel raised one eyebrow. “And?”

  “And then I closed it.” Kat turned and laid her cheek on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. “You’re the numbers guy. When I look at a blank spreadsheet, my brain shuts down and I think of something else I’d rather do.” Like get a root canal.

  “Even if you don’t deal with the money stuff yet, you can still do the other parts of the plan. Like how you’ll get customers and market the place. You got a bunch of books about writing business plans, right?”

  “Yes. I read some of it.” Three paragraphs is some.

  “Great! I got some more numbers on the building costs, so we can start there. You can put them into your spreadsheet.”

  Kat squeezed her eyes closed and hugged Joel more tightly. “Do I have to?”

  “Yes, you have to.”

  Kat turned to face him. “I know. It just all seems like a whole bunch of guessing. There’s all this stuff about finding your ideal clients and positioning statements. I don’t even know what that means. What if I do it wrong? And how many dogs even live in Alpine Grove? I have no clue. Plus, how can I possibly know how much money I’m going to make in five years? Realistically, five months ago I wouldn’t have expected to be sitting here in my aunt’s old house with you. I didn’t even know who you were. The whole thing just makes me feel tired. Or maybe I just am tired. Rosa wore me out.”

  “If you don’t know about the business, who does?”

  “Marketing people. I was a technical writer, remember?
We editorial types always tried to give those marketing people a wide berth.”

  Joel stroked her cheek. “I hate to tell you this, but until you make enough money to get yourself a marketing department, I think the department is you.”

  Kat kissed him and put her head on his chest again. “I know. That’s what scares me.”

  Jan stood on the steps to her mother’s condo and knocked on the door. It had been a long flight full of delays and airport annoyances. Flying last-minute meant she got the worst seat on the plane, so she got to enjoy some special time next to the lavatory in a seat that didn’t recline. Jan now knew more than she wanted to know about the toilet habits and digestive issues of her fellow passengers. It was good to be on the ground again.

  The door opened and her mother stood in the doorway wearing a magenta caftan and holding a glass filled with a gelatinous moss-green concoction.

  “Hi Mom. I made it.”

  “Hello darling. It’s good to see you. Come in.”

  Jan hauled her suitcase through the doorway and was pleased to find that today the condo was not full of incense. The psychic scrubbing and purification must have been successful.

  “How are you feeling?” Jan said. “Did you find out anything from the doctors?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Did they do tests?”

  Her mother clasped the glass with both hands. “Tests for what, dear?”

  “The tests on your heart. You said you had a problem with your heart and you were listening to the doctors.”

  “They were talking to Zoe. I was providing emotional and spiritual support.”

  Jan looked around the room. “What? Why?”

  “Well, because she was in the hospital, of course.”

  Jan sat down on the sofa next to her mother. “I thought you were in the hospital.”

  “I was there with Zoe, helping her clear her energy blockage. She had a fall and sprained her ankle.”

  “What’s wrong with your heart then? You said there was something wrong.”

  “My heart is sick.”

  “Yes, you told me that. What’s wrong with it?”

  “Well, you know I’m a Leo. I take everything to heart and I am a passionate person. I tried to work with Bruce and have him lift his consciousness beyond his usual mundane life. He has not resolved some issues and he can’t move forward if he reacts the same way he always has. He must find new approaches, and address the reality of his situation. I am trying to give him my love and tolerance, but I also must listen to the guidance of my inner voice. My heart is sick about it.”

  “You’re sick about it?” Jan slumped back on the sofa and put her face in her hands. She was such an idiot. “You’re saying you’re heartsick. Not that your heart is sick.”

  “What did you think I meant? I am trying to manifest love with Bruce, but it just isn’t working and I’m encountering energetic resistance. You are always so literal about everything.”

  “I’m sorry Mom, but it’s easy to be confused. Here’s a question: how are you supposed to ‘manifest love’ with Bruce when he isn’t even here? Aren’t you supposed to be moving in with him? Last time I was here, I saw boxes. Did you already move? Or bail out? Again?”

  “I’m feeling negativity in your tone. I’m going through a transformation right now and it’s complicated. I am trying to trust myself and let life flow.”

  Jan looked into her mother’s face. “You really did dump him, didn’t you?” She waved her arms in exasperation. “I can’t believe it. You ditched him after what, less than a week? Half the wedding guests probably haven’t even made it home yet. This is unreal. Have you even tried to talk to him or work it out?”

  “I tried to talk to him and harmonize our conversation in a fulfilling and enriching manner. But he didn’t understand. He was very negative. So I came back here to uplift my spirits.”

  “I don’t know Bruce,” Jan said. “And this is just a guess, but I suspect that most men don’t take being dumped on their honeymoon particularly well.”

  Her mother’s eyes brightened. “Speaking of which, how is Steve? He is such a sweet man. I loved how kind he always was about carrying my suitcase with JoJo in it. He was strong and patient, helping me with all those shows. I’ve been looking forward to your wedding for a long time. Have you set a date yet?”

  Jan sighed. “No. I know you like weddings, but that one isn’t going to happen. Actually, we broke up.”

  “Oh no! What happened?”

  “Over time, he changed. I didn’t want to believe it, but I think I actually fell out of love with him. Or maybe I never really loved him in the first place. I’m not sure, but I don’t like who he is now.”

  Her mother looked crestfallen and genuinely sympathetic. She put her hands over her heart. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. You need to redirect your energy to the future instead of focusing on what has gone by. As time passes, it’s too easy to accumulate more and more baggage. Believe me, I know! I’m so glad you are moving forward and focusing on your own new path and the lessons learned from the experience.”

  Jan enjoyed a maternal hug for a moment and then said, “Thanks, Mom. I’m sad and I miss him, but I think it was time for us to call it off.” She looked toward the window and noticed a huge purple crystal hanging from the curtain rod. “Wait. Don’t change the subject on me! You really need to talk to Bruce. It’s not fair to him to just run away like this. If he loved you enough to marry you, he deserves more than a halfhearted try at talking. Talk about baggage. You and I both know you’ve run out on a lot of men. Maybe it’s time to give this marriage a real try. I flew all the way down here because I thought you were dying. If you think it would help, I can go with you when you talk to him.”

  “Would you do that? There were words. Unkind words that I am not proud of saying. I thought of asking Zoe to come with me to try to smooth things over with Bruce, but she is not really up to doing much walking yet. I don’t want to tax her vitality.”

  “I can go with you if you want. Why don’t you call him and set up a time to meet?”

  “All right, darling. My horoscope says that I need to have courage. Perhaps this is what it meant. I must remind myself that anything is possible and I can create whatever I hope to achieve.”

  Jan shrugged and passed the phone to her mother. “That sounds good, I guess.”

  Jan stood with her mother in front of the row of beach cottages and marveled at how little the old neighborhood had changed in twenty years.

  “Wow, Mom, it looks the same.”

  “Yes, except now it’s extremely expensive to live here. It’s a shame I rented and couldn’t buy the place next door to Bruce’s where we lived. Bruce has owned his little house forever and it is now worth a fortune. But the time wasn’t right on my life journey.”

  Jan touched her mother’s shoulder. “Are you ready?”

  “Yes. Thank you for coming with me, dear. I’m trying to hold a vision of how I want things to be.”

  Jan knocked and Bruce opened the door quickly. It was startling how large the man was. He had to be six-foot-five. Seeing him in normal clothes was odd after watching him cavort around commercials in the blue jumpsuit for so many years. He was actually a handsome man, trim and athletic with distinguished salt-and-pepper hair. Mom always went for the good-looking ones, so that wasn’t a huge surprise.

  “Hi, um, Bruce. I know I didn’t get a chance to talk to you at the wedding, but I’m Jan. I lived next door a long time ago.”

  Bruce grabbed her and wrapped her in a big bear hug. “Jan! I’ve heard so much about you! Come on in.” The Toilet King was just as exuberant in person as he was on TV.

  Jan extricated herself from his grasp and walked through the doorway into the house, followed by her mother. The place had the exact same floor plan as the house they’d lived in next door. Slippery beach sand crunched under her heels. Maybe Bruce didn’t have a housekeeper. Or a vacuum cleaner. Or a broom. The house was fille
d with lived-in furniture that appeared to date from the late seventies. Bright orange and harvest gold permeated the decor. It was like stepping back in time.

  Michael was sprawled out on an orange sofa in the living room, wearing shorts and a shredded t-shirt with a surfboard logo on it. He was flipping through a magazine. One leg was hooked over the wooden arm of the sofa and a plastic flip-flop dangled lazily from his foot. Swoosie the Samoyed was curled up next to him on the sofa, panting. Looking up from the magazine, he said, “Hey Jan. How’s it going?”

  Jan’s jaw dropped. She couldn’t get away from this guy. “What are you doing here?” The surfer attire really showed off the well-defined muscles he had...everywhere. She tried not to stare. But wow. The half-naked version of the Marlboro man was even more impressive than the fully clothed edition.

  Michael peered over the top of his magazine at her. “Isn’t your beloved step-brother allowed to visit his dad?”

  Jan crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I’m just surprised to see you, that’s all. You look like you’re about to go surfing.”

  “No surfing today. Just running. Swoosie and I came up from my place in Del Mar to say hi to Dad and see how he’s doing.”

  “Well my mother and Bruce need to talk,” Jan said as she turned to look at her mother. “Right, Mom?”

  Bruce reached out his hand. “Angie, it’s good to see you again. I’ve missed you. And you look lovely today.”

  Angie took his hand. “That is a reflection of my inner happiness at seeing you, too.”

  “That sounds promising.” Bruce said, “Why don’t we go sit down and talk.”

  Michael jumped up off the couch, followed by Swoosie. “Okay, it sounds like you have some stuff to work out. Jan, why don’t you come for a walk with me and Swoosie?”