Thirty-Eight Days

by Len Webster

  “Why did you end us?” Noel watched her wince. She wasn’t expecting him to be so forward or so forceful. Clara closed her eyes and teardrops ran down her face. He hated that he was making her cry, but he couldn’t live his life not knowing. Clara opened her eyes. Those sad brown eyes killed him inside.

  "You don't get it, do you, Noel? You didn't get why I said it all? Why I wanted you to run from me?"

  He missed her. He missed her voice, her touch, and the way she smiled when she woke up in the morning. But it was all gone, everything they had, gone. He shook his head and had to believe that it was possible that she still loved him. He hoped that not too much time passed between them. As much as he wanted to believe that there was still something between him, Clara’s stance told him otherwise. For now, he’d get his answers.

  "No, Clara. I don't. I've spent all these weeks wondering and waiting for you. Please put me out of my fucking misery. Just tell me then I’ll let you go, for good, forever." Clara looked at her balled hands.

  "Because Noel…" she whispered out.

  "Because?"

  Clara looked up from her hands and gave him a small smile, one that delivered a violent squeeze on his heart.

  "Because you have every power in this world to break my heart! Don’t you see that? I was so in love with you that it scared me because I will never amount to Valerie… to anyone. You have my heart in your hands, you always have. And you have the ability to break it at any time. I just stopped you from hurting me again. Before you left me, before you realised I was nothing special to you. Because loving you, Noel… loving you is the hardest thing I could ever do. I said it all because you could destroy me. I’d never recover from what you had the ability to inflict. You hurt me so many times that I lost myself. I forgot who I was. Don’t you see, this love, our love, it’s the worst kind." Clara let out a sob before she wiped the tears that continued to run down her cheeks.

  "But you taught me a painful lesson. The world is cruel. Liam saved me, and I owe him my world. I’ll spend however long it takes to make him happy. I owe him that." Clara’s eyes saddened and he saw her pain reflect in her golden brown eyes.

  “The rumours are true. You are seeing him.” Noel’s heart felt like a cinder block being dragged down to the sea floor. He struggled to breathe, to comprehend what Clara was saying.

  I left and he got her.

  “Why are you with him, Clara?”

  “Who, Liam?” Clara asked.

  “Yes! Don't you know how much that kills me to have to hear that?” he growled.

  “Why? We’re finished, Noel! Why should that kill you? You had everything you ever wanted! Isn't that enough?” Clara cried.

  “If I had everything I ever wanted, I’d have you. But I don’t. He can’t have you, Clara.” It was the confrontation they never had. He was too stunned last time to fight back.

  “And you can?” she asked in disbelief. “Is this what we are, Noel. You hurt me, so I have to hurt you, too? Do you really think so little of me?” The disgust was clear in Clara’s voice.

  I hurt her?

  “Well, believe it or not, I care about Liam. Before you came along I wanted him. I wanted to be with him. And then you came, and all it took was a spark and you sent my world alight, and not in a good way. I choose Liam, Noel. I'm going home to be with him.”

  No. I can’t let her run back to him.

  He took Clara’s hands and placed them on his chest. Just like that night all those weeks ago.

  “You feel that? This is the first time in weeks that my heart has functioned. You told me you loved me. What changed? Tell me, Clara. What changed?” he pleaded.

  Clara didn’t answer. Noel tugged on Clara’s arms and he hugged her. The feeling of her body on his sent his heart into overdrive; this was where Clara belonged, and he knew it. He just had to convince her that she was meant to be with him.

  “Thirty-eight,” he whispered. Clara pushed off Noel’s chest. Her eyes wide and he could see that she was conflicted.

  “That’s how many days it’s been since I lost you. I’ve been through hell trying to get over you, but I can’t. For thirty-eight days I’ve had to tell myself to get out of bed and hope that maybe you’d come back for me. But every day that passed, you didn’t show. I kept thinking that you’d change your mind and tell me you were just confused. But you didn’t. Do you know what I’ve been through? I can’t be without you, Clara. The only hope I’ve had is this fucking wedding! I knew I’d see you and I hoped I could convince you that it’s me that you were meant to be with not Liam! What went so wrong? Why can’t it be me you choose?” He had been a wreck since he returned from Melbourne. His life in Boston held no meaning.

  “You told me you loved me, Clara,” he said painfully.

  “I know,” she replied softly. Clara took a step towards her clutch that sat on the stone bench and opened it. She tucked the clutch under her arm and placed her hand on Noel’s left cheek.

  This is my Clara.

  Those golden brown eyes looked into his. And for a moment he was able to call Clara his. Noel watched as she rose on her tippy toes and placed a lingering kiss on his cheek. Her smooth lips broke his heart; he missed the way she kissed him, and the kiss on his cheek wasn’t enough. Clara’s hand left his cheek before both her hands were in his.

  Clara removed her lips from Noel’s cheeks and whispered, “I’ll never be enough for you. You’ll always change your mind, and you’ll never really want me. I’m sorry.”

  His heart stalled and he instinctively held Clara’s hands tightly, afraid to let her go.

  “Goodbye, Noel,” she said as she pulled her hand away.

  He felt something in his hand and looked down. His eyes shot straight up to see Clara walking towards the parking lot. Noel couldn’t feel his feet. He couldn’t make himself chase her. Instead he looked down and unclenched his hand. Clara’s locket shimmering from the moon glow was all he saw through his blurry eyes.

  Noel looked at the accounting sheets in front of him. All he had to do was read through them and then sign them off. But he couldn’t get himself to focus. The last three weeks since his brother’s wedding were almost like a blur. He didn’t remember waking, eating, or sleeping. All he knew was that he found himself in the New York office of G&MC. When he returned from Australia, Gregson had asked him to take up the senior management role while one of the senior leaders took leave.

  Resting his hands on the large oak desk, he let out a sigh. He spent Christmas and New Year’s alone. His brother spent his honeymoon in Vienna, and Alex was moving in with Keira. He always wondered what happened with Clara. What she was doing. Whether she was happy or not. He had to believe that she was. Noel remembered the sickly feeling that consumed him when Clara returned her locket. He held it tight in his hands that night. Noel had to fight the urge to throw it in the lake next to him. It was all he had left of her.

  “Mr. Parker?” He tore his eyes off the manila folder and saw his temp-assistant enter the room.

  “Yes, Daphne?” Noel watched as her cheeks flushed. She cleared her throat and entered his temporary office.

  “I need your company credit card to purchase that business expense for the Lawson account.” As cute as she was, there was no attracting his interest. No one interested him since his return. Well, except for one woman.

  Shaking his head, he reached for the first drawer on the right side of the desk. He pulled it open and retrieved his wallet. Noel opened it and removed his G&MC credit card. He held it up to Daphne when he noticed that the slot still held something. Daphne took his credit card out of his hand and proceeded to say something, but he tuned out. He heard his office door close and he let out the breath he was holding.

  He placed his wallet on the desk and steadied himself. Noel remembered what exactly was in that slot, but he wasn’t sure if seeing it would be good for him. He had stopped the pain, but he had the memories, and they were the worst. Noel’s heart started to pump hard, and he shove
d all doubt out of his mind and pulled it out.

  It was the first time he looked at the picture since he put it in his wallet. He felt the tensing of his heart, and Noel balled his right fist. There was so much hope and love in her eyes that it pained him to think that they were now directed at someone else.

  Noel turned in his leather chair and hovered the picture over the trash. He had come so far since Clara ended it. He didn’t need the picture to remind him of his failed efforts to win her heart. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let go of the picture. His head and his heart had told him to hold onto a lost cause. He sighed heavily, turned and placed the picture of him and Clara back in its slot. When Daphne returned with his credit card, he’d cover up the haunting picture.

  “I got the subs,” Noel heard Alex say. He looked up to see Alex holding two plastic bags as he walked towards the desk and sat on the client chair in front of him.

  “Thanks,” Noel replied as he opened the drawer and placed his wallet back inside. Alex handed Noel the plastic bag. It was easy to get distracted, but when he was with Alex, Noel couldn’t stop thinking about her. Alex was meant to be the reason for their demise, but it didn’t feel like he was.

  Taking out the sub, he started to unwrap the deli paper off it. He took a bite into the bread; the taste of pepper mayonnaise hit his taste buds, and Noel continued to eat his chicken sub. He wasn’t hungry, but with Alex in his office, he’d have to eat. What he really needed was a beer, but he was stuck in a four-walled office with his best friend in front of him.

  Alex let out a sight. “So, how long have you been in love with my sister?” he asked as he placed his lunch back on the deli paper and dusted his hands of crumbs. Noel looked up to see Alex’s jaw clenched shut, and his knuckles turned as white as paper.

  “You know?” There was no anger or betrayal in Alex’s eyes. There was understanding and grief. Noel took a napkin and wiped his mouth before he would speak. This talk came months too late. Noel avoided Alex, and any mention of Clara. Instead of calling frequently, he kept communications between them at a minimum. Alex was too much of a reminder for Noel.

  “Of course I knew. You left and she was miserable, and I saw it in your eyes when you came back to New York,” Alex explained. “Did you really think you could keep something like that from me? I’m your best mate, Noel. If you like someone, I know! And if you love someone, I know!” Alex started to get riled up, and Noel knew he had been keeping it in.

  “I tried hard to get you two to tell me. I really didn’t want to catch you in Clara’s bed, but I had to figure out how to get you two exposed. I had to make up a crazy excuse like running the New York Marathon. The New York fucking Marathon, Noel!”

  “I’m sorry, Alex. Trust me, I felt like a shitty mate for doing that to you. It’s over, for good,” Noel assured. He watched as Alex frowned and breathed out heavily.

  “She’s seeing someone. You know that right?”

  The twist of his heart had him swallowing hard.

  “Yeah.”

  “Clara’s the only thing I will ever love. Her and Keira are my world. She’s happy, Noel. I was rooting for you two to make it. You could have convinced her to move to the States. But that dream is now dead… for the both of us.” Regret settled in him. It left a sour taste in his mouth. Alex was on their side and hoping for their survival. In the end, it was he and Clara who brought on their own brutal ending. Unclenching his fist, Noel looked at Alex, his face contorted with concern.

  “You don’t have to worry. I was in love with her. Past tense.”

  Alex cocked an eyebrow, and he looked like he was about to call Noel out on his bullshit. But he didn’t. Instead, Alex just gave Noel a sad smile and a nod. Noel would have to get over Clara. She got over him. Maybe it was time he moved on with the only other woman that sparked his interest since his return to the States.

  “There’s this new lawyer in the law department back in Boston. Her name’s Andrea. I might ask her out when I finish filling in Johnson’s leave,” Noel said. There was a little burst of hope in his heart. It was time he finally moved on.

  Some nights were difficult for Clara. She would have flashes of Noel in her dreams, and it would always leave her choked up. She sat on Liam’s leather couch and tucked her legs underneath her. She flicked through the channels of his large TV and found herself checking her watch every second. Liam would be back from his investment convention in Hong Kong any minute. The past week went slow for her, and she just needed him. The nights were long without him.

  Hearing the sound of a key in the lock, she quickly got up off the couch and ran to the front door to greet him. The door opened and Liam walked through it. He had his briefcase in one hand and his luggage in the other. The moment Liam walked in and saw her was the moment a smile developed on his face. Liam placed his bag and briefcase on the floor. It was that instant smile when he saw her that made her heart flutter. He had helped her without even knowing it.

  Clara walked up to Liam and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. It wasn’t quite the lips that made her heart feel like exploding, but his lips were safe and caring. They didn’t leave her as breathless as the ones she used to know. Clara held Liam tight; his hands held onto her hips and brought her closer to him, deepening their kiss. Clara could taste the slight hint of coffee and whisky on his lips.

  “I missed you,” Liam breathed out against her lips. The way his breath hit her lips made her shiver.

  “I’ve missed you too,” she said. It was true. There were parts of her that missed him. Her heart and head needed him. She couldn’t hurt Liam. There was a part of her that wished he didn’t treat her like porcelain. She craved his touch and wanted them to take that intimate step. Clara felt herself pout.

  “You’re pouting, Clara,” Liam laughed.

  Clara untangled her arms from his neck and stepped aside. As much as Liam would kiss her and hold her in bed, he never touched her, and that made her feel less desirable, almost unattractive. Liam picked up his bag and briefcase, and walked towards his bedroom, Clara following. She leant on the doorframe and watched as Liam unlocked his briefcase and took out a framed picture of them from their first date. Liam set it on his bedside table and looked over at her.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked. She pushed off the doorframe and her hands moistened.

  “Liam, I have to ask…” she watched as Liam sighed and gave Clara a small smile. Liam walked towards her, taking both her hands and sat her on the foot of the bed with him. He removed his hands from Clara’s and tucked her curls behind her ear.

  “Clara, I can’t have sex with you the way you want me to. I’ve changed from my one-night stands. I don’t want this to be about sex between us. I’ve waited a long time to be with you, and I don’t want to spoil us. I want our first time together to be special and memorable because I love you, Clara.”

  Liam loves me.

  Clara’s eyes widened and her heart stopped the moment she heard those three words slip from his lips.

  “Liam… I-uhh,” she stammered out. Clara felt claustrophobic at his confession. She tried to take short gasps, but she couldn’t feel the air in her lungs.

  “Clara, come on, sweetheart. Stay with me,” Liam called out. Clara blinked the tears out of her eyes and looked up at him. The worry was in his eyes.

  “You don’t have to say it back. I know what you’ve been through and when you’re ready, you’ll tell me,” Liam said as he placed a kiss on Clara’s forehead. He wasn’t going to rush her or them. It was all about loving her right, and Clara felt her heart expand. It opened up for Liam. She could see herself falling in love with him. It would only be a matter of time before he’d own her heart completely. And for the first time in a long time, Clara was open to the idea. Loving Liam would be the easiest thing she could ever do. And then it came, like a rush of water it came, the desire to be with him, the desire to make him happy, and the desire to be his and only his.

  Six months later


  His palms sweat, his heart raced, and his breathing were heavy gasps. Noel closed his eyes and begged the universe to spare him. It owed him that much for what he went through with Clara. Her name still made his chest flame, but as the months passed, he was able to get a hold on what he felt for Clara.

  He wiped his hands on his suit jacket and peered into her office. Andrea sat there reading from a manila folder and started to hand out what looked like a contract to the men in front of her. She looked up from the folder and her light blue eyes stared up at him. Her smile was sweet and wholesome. It was one of the very first things he noticed when he met her. Andrea raised her hand and mouthed “One second” to him, and he just smiled.

  The men shook hands with her and stood up from their seats. He opened Andrea’s office door and walked in. Both men raised their heads up at Noel, and he smiled back. When the men left her office, Noel reached out and wrapped his arms around her waist, their faces inches from each other.

  “What are you doing?” Andrea laughed. She tried to wriggle free, but Noel only held her tighter.

  “What? I can’t see my girlfriend?” Noel raised his eyebrow up at her, and Andrea slapped Noel’s chest.

  “Not when I have important meetings with clients.”

  Noel rolled his eyes and took her hand. He had so much to be grateful for. Andrea was his silver lining. He cared for her, and even though he didn’t love her like he loved Clara, his feelings for her were intense. He remembered their first date. They had fought over which corny date they should go on. In the end, they settled for dinner and a movie. When the movie finished, they walked past a local high school and sat on the bleachers. They talked about him growing up in Melbourne and Andrea growing up in Phoenix. That date was the first time he didn’t feel helpless; he felt fearless with her.