Surviving Until The End

by Vera Quinn

  “Isn’t there anything they can do?” Mom says through her tears.

  “They are trying but with the limitations that Jilly has given them there is not much they can do. Jilly is having more legal papers filled out so even if she slips into a coma they will still be limited to what they can do. She is determined she is not going to be a burden.” I am dumb struck. This is not supposed to be happening this way. I look over at Rebel and he is comforting Gracie, but I know this is killing him inside.

  “When can we see her? Can we try and talk some sense into that girl’s head?” Dad asks Kaden.

  “They don’t want her upset, as if that is even possible. The thing about it is, I am going crazy, but Jilly is calm. She tried to comfort me. She kept telling the doctors to do what they could to keep her comfortable and that she understood all the risk she was taking with her health. That she refused to let her family watch her die a slow death and she was ready if this was the way she would leave this earth. She said she knows our mom and dad are waiting with loving arms open. I think she is losing it.” I think the same thing. Kaden is in over his head in this situation. I think we all are.

  “No, Kaden, Jilly is showing faith. It’s how she was raised to believe in the afterlife. It is bringing her comfort right now and who are we to tell her any different.” Dad speaks up.

  “She can get her damn comfort from her family here. I need to get some air. I am going to get some coffee and call Laura, so she can bring the boys up here. The doctors said to give them about an hour and we can go back two at a time.” Kaden says the last part slowly. I know there is more for him to say but he can’t bring himself to say it.

  “Are you sure Kaden? Intensive care has special visiting hours. It’s nowhere near those hours.” Mom ask, and her eyes are pleading for Kaden to be mistaken. “Are you sure you want the boys to see their aunt this way?” Kaden looks at the floor and then when he looks at us I see the tears he is holding back.

  “Aunt Gladys, I’m sure. They are giving us time to say our goodbyes. The doctors said barring a miracle that Jilly is living her last days. They can’t give a definite day, but they said if she makes it to the end of the week she’s stronger than they think. The papers she is having updated is her will and power of attorney. I want the boys to be able to say their goodbyes. They deserve that closure. Laura and I will be there every step of the way.” It’s like all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. I get to my feet and I walk out of the waiting area. I don’t understand any of this. I go to the closest restroom and go in and lock the door and I let the tears roll that I have been holding back. I don’t understand a world without Jilly in it. No, the doctors are wrong. Jilly will pull out of this. She is stronger than this. I don’t want to know a world without Jilly in it. I grab a paper towel and wipe my tears away. My family needs me now and I will be there. I need to see Jilly. I wash my face and walk back out the door. I make it back to the waiting area. Rebel and Gracie are not there, and before I can ask Dad, he tells me.

  “Rebel took Gracie down to get a bite to eat. Audie is coming to the hospital too.” I hear a telephone ring and I know it is the phone the doctors and nurses use to communicate with patient’s family. Mom answers it.

  “Hello, third floor waiting room. Yes, this is her aunt.” Mom crumbles to the floor and Dad takes the phone. I go to Mom and try to help her up, but she is crying too hard.

  “He just stepped out. I will get him back here. Can I come sit with her until Kaden makes it back? Oh, alright. We will be here.” Dad hangs the phone up and walks over to us. He bends down and whispers something in Mom’s ear and she stands up and goes into Dad’s waiting arms. Dad looks at me. “Jilly has had a heart attack. She is breathing on her own and they are monitoring her closely. The doctor is supposed to be here to talk us in just a few minutes.” I start to text Kaden, but he walks in with two coffees in his hand, and Laura and the boys are behind him. Matthew comes over and hands me a cup of coffee. Michael hands a coffee to Dad and Kaden hands Mom hers. “The nurse just called, and Jilly had a heart attack. The doctor is going to come out and talk to us.”

  “Did they give you any more information.” Laura sits beside Mom. The boys go over a little closer to the television and turn it on with the volume down low. I wish I could escape this too. Rebel and Gracie walk back over to us and sits down but Kaden is still pacing the room. I see the tears sliding down his cheek. This is tearing Kaden apart. It’s tearing us all apart. I feel a guilt I don’t know how to deal with. Each of us is in our own silent hell with remorse and what ifs. I need to see Jilly. I need to hold her hand and let her know I am here for her until her last breath. It seems like time is crawling by with no one saying anything, just sitting and thinking of memories, good, bad, happy, and sad. We don’t move or say a single word. What is there to say? The thought of Jilly not being a part of our everyday life is unbearable. Kaden has even sat beside Dad and has that faraway look in his eyes. I see a doctor walking our way. I hope this is Jilly’s doctor and he has some news for us. Kaden sees him and stands up. He puts his hand out to shake the man’s hand and the doctor reciprocates the action and they shake hands. I recognize this man. He has been Jilly’s family doctor since she was young. This man must be close to eighty years old. Dad shakes his hand next.

  “This is Dr. Long.” Kaden introduces the man. “Why are you here? I thought Dr. Sine would be talking to us.” Kaden says to the man.

  “Let’s sit down so we can discuss a few things.” I know whatever this man has to say is bad. Rebel raises his eyebrow and I know he is thinking the same thing. Dad and Kaden sit down. The doctor takes a seat on the other side of Kaden. “They have all of Jilly’s doctors here that are from around here. I have known Jilly and all of you the longest, so I wanted to come talk to you all. If you have any questions that I cannot answer, or I do not answer to your satisfaction then Dr. Sine or Dr. Hodge will consult with you.” The doctor looks around at us to see if anyone speaks up. We don’t.

  “Go ahead Dan and tell us.” Dad says to the doctor.

  “Had you rather go to a more private room?” There’s no one else in the room but our family.

  “We’re fine where we are. Just please, tell us something about Jilly.” Mom says quietly. The doctor looks at mom and then I turn and see that Mrs. Audie has come in and is sitting with Matthew and Michael. “Audie will you come on over, so we can all hear. The boys are fine by themselves.” Mrs. Audie walks over and sits by Gracie.

  “Jilly consented to having the fluid drained out of her lungs, so she would have a better chance of speaking to all of you without breathing problems, or less breathing problems. Draining of the fluid is not without pain and it put added stress on her heart. It sent her into a myocardial infarction. Under normal circumstances the cardiologist would have went in and put a stent in. That is not a procedure that any of us think Jilly would survive with the damage she already has to her heart and Jilly, being a nurse and knowing the situation, she has refused to even consider the risk the procedure. Jilly has refused any kind of surgeries or procedures from this point forward. What Jilly has agreed to is that the hospital personnel can manage the pain and to keep her comfortable. She knows what the outcome will be, and she is at peace with it. She knows that you are all here. She wants to speak to Kaden, Rebel, and Brody first. The hospital is going to allow you three to go back this one time and then it needs to be two at a time. Don’t spend a lot of time in with her until everyone has talked to her. Let Jilly talk if she can. I know Kaden has been back to see her but for the rest of you, beware. She has a lot of machines hooked to her. They are monitors so we can keep an eye on everything.” What the doctor means is that none of the machines are breathing for Jilly. She would have never agreed to that. “We are taking things as they happen. Do you have any questions for me?”

  “How long…does she have?” Kaden barely gets out the words.

  “I can’t answer that question. Everyone is different, and every situati
on is different. My best guess is the next twenty-four hours. Sit with her, hold her hand, let her know she is loved, and pray.” The doctor stands and turns to Kaden. “I am staying at the hospital today and tonight, if you need me to answer any questions you don’t understand then just have me paged. I will be close. I’ve known Jilly since she was nine years old and she seems like one of my own. She asked me to be here and explain everything as it happens to her. Jilly is one of a kind.” The doctor ducks his head and I see the tears falling. “You three can go in and see her now. Remember, keep things calm.” The doctor reaches out and shakes my Dad’s hand again and then he stops in front of Kaden and bends down and whispers something to him. Then he straightens up and he walks back the way he came. I don’t know what to say. Dad takes over.

  “Kaden, you, Rebel, and Brody go first like she asks. I would like for Gladys and myself to go next. Then Kaden and Laura can take the boys back, one at a time. Then Audie and Gracie can go back. Should we call Kevin, so he can come see her? I know he doesn’t deserve it, but I think it is something Jilly would do?” Dad knows that Kevin is no one’s favorite person here, being Jilly’s ex, but I agree with Dad that it is something Jilly would do.

  “I will be going back with Ma and Gracie both.” Rebel speaks up. “My vote says to leave Kevin in the dark but that is up to Kaden.”

  “I agree with Uncle Charlie, we should call Kevin and if he doesn’t show up then it is on him. Uncle Charlie, will you call him? If you don’t get in touch with him by the time I am back out here I will try myself. Everyone remember what the doctor has said. Keep the first visit short and we will take turns sitting with her later. We also are going to need to think about sleeping in shifts and getting food. We need to be strong through this and not ignore the things that we need to do to stay that way.” Kaden is right.

  “I can call Tyler and Shane to get food and bring to us. If everyone can get me a list of anything they need from home I can get them to come by and get your keys to go pick them up.” I try to help.

  “I can get the ol’ ladies at the clubhouse to cook and get the prospects to bring it over if your guys can just pick up the other things.” Rebel is texting on his phone as he is talking to me.

  “We’ll get a list made while you are back there with Jilly.” Dad says. Rebel and I both stand up. Kaden does the same.

  “Let’s do this.” Kaden tells us, and we walk towards the doors that the doctor went into. We walk through the double doors and follow the hall to the nurse’s station of the intensive care unit. One of the nurses comes around the desk.

  “I know some of the rules have been relaxed but I need for you each to remember that we need to keep Jilly calm. This is not in the rules, but I am going to give you my two cents worth here, please, do not badger Jilly about the decisions she has made about her health care. I am speaking as her friend, and I could lose my job for speaking up, but this is the way Jilly would handle things if she was in my place. My prayers are with your family.” I look closely at the woman in front of us and I recognize her as a woman that we went to school with.

  “Thank you. Can we just go in?” Rebel asks, and I see the nervousness in the man.

  “Of course, if she looks tired after she starts talking she made need a short break. If she shows a shortness of breath, please notify us by hitting her nurse call button.” I know the nurse is trying to be Jilly’s friend and her nurse at the same time. Rebel and I follow Kaden in the room. I see Jilly’s small body in the hospital bed. Her face is swollen, and her skin has a yellow tint to it as if she has jaundice. I walk ahead of Rebel and step up to the bed. I see Jilly as she puts a smile on her face. The smile doesn’t reach her eyes and I see the pain she is trying to hide. I bend down and give her a kiss on her cheek. She reaches up to take my hand and some of her wires get twisted. I straighten them up and hold her hand. Kaden is on the other side and bends down and gives her forehead a kiss.

  “Step on up her Antonio, this kind of death is not contagious.” I lay her hand on the bed and step out of the way, so Rebel can step up. Rebel picks her hand up and kisses it, as Kaden and I look at each other. “Come on guys, it’s just us…” cough, cough, and it stops. “I don’t want this to be uncomfortable for any of us. We all knew where this would end up one day.” Jilly stops and takes a breath. “I tried an experimental method of dealing with my heart. I wanted my life back and if I had a chance at that then I was going to take it. My life, my choice.” Jilly coughs until she is red in the face. She points to the water and Kaden lifts the cup up and gives her a sip and then she pushes it away. “I need to say what I have to say so just listen to me.”

  “Whatever you say darlin’, this is your show. You know we all love you.” Rebel scoots up closer to the bed and little towards the head of the bed so I can squeeze closer. That way Jilly doesn’t need to talk so loudly, I am guessing.

  “Always the sweet talker, Antonio.” Jilly squeezes Rebel’s hand. Then she looks at Kaden. “Kaden you have been the best brother that I could possibly have. I know our time is being cut short, but my love for you will always be with you. Remember the good times and share them with your sons. Love Laura with everything you have and live your life for both of us. I love you brother. You are my hero and that is about all I can say.” I see the tears falling down Kaden’s cheeks. “If you can keep an eye on these two so they stay out of trouble and you two watch out for my brother.” Jilly looks at Rebel and me. Kaden bends down and takes Jilly in his arms carefully. Half way sitting on the bed next to Jilly. “Kaden, Laura and the boys are going to need you to be strong for them so do what you do best and take care of them. I am at peace with my decisions. I have my faith to keep me strong. I am not scared, and the doctors here will make sure I have the least amount of pain as possible.” Jilly is crying along with Kaden now. “Give me about twenty minutes with these two and then send back whoever is here to see me. I love you.” I am holding back the tears, but I am not sure how much longer that is going to work. I look at Rebel and I see he is having the same problem. Kaden kisses her cheek one more time.

  “I love you Sis and I am so damn proud of the woman that you have become. I don’t know how strong I can be for anyone right now. I am barely holding it together myself. I will do my best. Is there anything that you need right now?” Kaden is getting himself together, so he can bring his sons back soon.

  “You are the executor of my will and for that I am sorry, but I know that you are the only one that will fulfill my last wishes. They are important to me. I expect all three of you to make sure they are carried out.” She looks at all three of us as Kaden steps back.

  “You know we will, Jilly.” I try to ease her thoughts.

  “Uncle Charlie and Aunt Gladys will be back here in twenty minutes. You two behave. I love you Sis.” Kaden walks to the door but not before he gives Rebel and myself a look telling us to keep Jilly calm. I walk over and take Jilly’s hand on the side that Kaden just left. I know Kaden does not want to leave right now but he will do anything for his sister.

  “Alright, you two, we have come along way. I know you two do not like the way I handled this situation but since when has that ever stopped me.” Jilly coughs some more but it isn’t as loud. “First, I want to talk to Antonio.” I back away and sit in a chair to give the two a little privacy. “You have been on your best behavior. I thought you would be screaming and yelling.” Jilly pulls his hand to her lips and kisses it.

  “I understand your choices, Jilly. Can’t say I agree with them but given the choice at the end of my life I would like to make the decisions I think is right for my family and myself. I think you have been dealt a shitty hand and you are doing what you think is right and I will stand beside you my friend.” The way Rebel says it, it almost makes sense.

  “You were my first love, Antonio and even when we have not been talking you hold a place in my heart that only belongs to you and will only belong to you. We wasted so much time that we could have been together and hap
py, but we were too young and stupid to realize that.” Jilly stops talking and take a breath. “I know Gracie is the one for you. I think I knew that you two would end up together before I ever sent her back home to my family. Gracie has a damn big heart and she will love you until her dying day. Hold her and cherish her. You deserve that happiness. I know you don’t think that you do, but Antonio, you do. Grab a hold of that happiness with your little family and protect it and keep it safe. I just hope I brought the happiness to you that you brought to me.” One tear slides from Rebel’s eye.

  “Somehow all the good ones get taken before us assholes. I have love in my heart for you Jilly and it will always be there. Gracie and I both are lucky to have you touch both our lives.” Rebel is talking from his heart. It’s not a side of himself that he lets anyone see very often. “Love you my friend.” Jilly smiles and then shuts her eyes as if she is savoring the words that Rebel has said.

  “Take care of Gracie and those babies. I’ll see you on the other side.” Rebel bends down and hugs Jilly. “Please, look after Kaden. He is going to take this hard and he is going to try to take this all on himself. Just be there for him and keep an eye on that one over there. I love you Antonio and I always will.”

  “Anything for you Jilly.” Rebel bends down and gives Jilly a kiss on her cheek and walks to the door. He looks at Jilly one more time before he walks out the door.

  “I saved the best for last, handsome.” I walk over close to the bed and Jilly reaches out and pulls me closer. “You are my biggest regret in life and my biggest savior all rolled up into one.” Jilly coughs a couple of times. I pick the cup that Kaden had let her drink from a little while ago and let her take a sip. “Thank you. My throat gets so dry.” I put the cup back on the table. “I know that we are family, but I wanted so much more from you and me, but now I know if you would have given in to me then you would have lost a part of yourself. At the time, I was only looking at it from my point of view. I know you love me Brody. You have stood beside me every step of the way. Even the times that I didn’t like myself. When I decided to go to Mexico it slammed into my heart.” Jilly has lost me on this one.