Surviving Until The End

by Vera Quinn

  “Babe, I’m not sure I follow that.” I half laugh. How could I laugh now?

  “It’s alright to laugh Brody. I’d rather see you laughing than crying. You guys are tearing my heart out here. I am having enough problems with my heart right now, so, please, laugh. Remember all the antics that you used to get Antonio and me out of. Remember all our long talks. Remember and feel it all again and then let me go. I know you think you have things to be guilty about, but you told me from the get go that you would not cross over the family line. I respect you for that. You had your boundaries and you had to be true to yourself. I love you as much as I have ever loved any man. Our love was innocent because of you, so please, just remember the good times and never doubt I knew you would always stand by your word because that is the kind of man you are. I want you to remember me without regrets. I want you to find that someone special for you and have babies. You would make a wonderful father.” My mind goes to Charity, but I know I need to be here for my Jilly. Jilly starts coughing and I can see she looks tired.

  “Never doubt that I have loved you from the first time I met you. I have wanted to protect you, keep you safe, and so much more. Do not doubt I have wanted you to be happy. I just couldn’t give you anything else, but I couldn’t watch other men hurt you either and every time I would see you with Kevin, I wanted to give him a beat down that he would not forget. Jealousy brings out the worst in me. A part of my heart will always be yours.” I pour all my feelings out that I have been keeping to myself for so long.

  “I’ll take that little piece, Brody. It will always be with me, but promise me Brody, that you will let me go, and then you find someone to love you. I can’t bear the thought of you being alone. Please, for me, and then tell her the stories of your spunky cousin.” Jilly has tears running down her face.

  “Jilly, I promise you I will try. You have been a part of my life for so long. One of the most important parts. I want you to know that you have been a joy and that smile of yours can always bring a smile to my face. I love you Jilly, and I always will.” I bend down and hug her to me the best I can with all the wires in our way. There is a knock at the door and I look up and see Mom and Dad standing there. I let Jilly take another sip of water and then sit the cup back on the table. I pick her hand up and kiss it. “I will be back later, Jilly. I need to share you right now. There are more people out there who wants a chance to talk to you.”

  “Okay, Brody. I am getting a little tired, so I need to speak to everyone just a little while, so I can take a nap. Goodbye, Brody.” I hate the way she says the words. They sound final. I can’t say anything else. Mom comes over and takes my place. I pat Dad on the back as I walk past him to the door. I look back at Jilly and she smiles but her eyes are closed. I duck out the door and the bright lights hit my eyes. They seem harsh by the nurse’s station. I walk back down the hall and back through the double doors. I see that Rebel has Gracie in the far corner by themselves and she is trying to comfort him. Mrs. Audie is pacing the room. Kaden and Laura are talking to their boys and I don’t know where I belong here, so I don’t stop. I need some air and something to drink. I think I just need the space by myself. I keep walking until I go through the sliding front doors of the hospital. I start walking, but I can’t bring myself to leave. My life without Jilly. The thought just doesn’t register in my head and my heart is rebelling against it. The years that Jilly was married to Kevin we only seen each other in person a couple of times a year, at holidays and family get togethers. It was both of our faults, but we skyped and spoke on the phone a few times a week. Jilly knows me better than anyone. I shared my hopes and dreams with her and she did the same with me. I’ve always known that Jilly was only a phone call away and her voice could sooth me or talk me down when I was angry. I feel the tears begin to roll down my face. I don’t care who sees it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I am not one for sharing my feelings with everyone, so I just walk the parking lot. I can’t stop, if I do then I will need to face the stark reality that my person is leaving me. I feel guilty for not giving her the happiness she has always deserved. What kind of man am I? I don’t know how long I have been walking. I go back towards the hospital on auto pilot and sit on one of the benches. My mind is going from one scenario to the next and I don’t know if I can do this. I feel an arm go around my shoulders and I look to my right and I know it is my dad before I even get a glimpse of him.

  “I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t watch Jilly slip away from us without a fight until the end. I just want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her tight and keep her safe.” I pour my heart out to Dad. I wait for my Dad to say something to make me understand how this can be happening. I look at him waiting.

  “Sometimes loving someone isn’t about holding on tight. Sometimes in life we are forced to let go with grace. Jilly has made some tough decisions and now we just need to stand beside her and love her through it.” Dad tells me, tears in his eyes. I feel selfish now. The whole family is having a tough time and I have selfishly only been thinking of myself. It’s time to man-up and do what Jilly would expect me to do.

  “You are a wise man. How are you dealing with Jilly’s decision?” I ask the man sitting beside me. In my eyes my dad has always been bigger than life but today he is showing the worry and responsibility he is carrying on his shoulders.

  “I understand the decisions Jilly has made. I don’t like that she didn’t let us help her along the way and I don’t think the people that she listened to were competent, but son, your mom and I, also have do not resuscitate affidavits filed, so I understand to some extent. I do believe that you and Kaden both told me that you both went the same route. Jilly’s life has been too short, but when are we ever ready to let go of our loved ones? No one is promised tomorrow and that is why we must make every day count. We now need to go back in there to Jilly and our family and get through this. We can let our anger, regret and sorrow out later. They let Kaden and Laura take the boys together to see Jilly. They also let Rebel take Gracie and Audie back together. They were back with Jilly when I left. Kevin is finally on his way. Kaden asked Jilly about seeing him and she said for a few minutes, but they have had closure from the divorce and she wants to give him the chance for closure now, and after that she only wants family. She told Kaden to take the boys home.” Dad stops talking and I know he has more to say.

  “Kaden is the executor of Jilly’s will, but she told me when I was back talking to her that she is donating her heart for science research and then she is being cremated. No ceremony. She said that she wanted us to let her ashes be blown over the pond that you, Jilly, and Rebel used to hang out at when you were teenagers. Family only. She’s thought of everything. She’s leaving her house to Gracie and she wants no arguing over it. She has talked to Kaden about it beforehand and he agreed.” Jilly always thinks about everything. She analyzes the situation from every angle and this is no different. I look at Dad again and I see the determination to accept things the way Jilly wants them and being the man, my dad raised, I will too.

  “Let’s go check on Mom and the rest of our family.” I tell Dad.

  “The prospects from Rebel’s club brought over some food. It smelled delicious. We need to eat so we can take our turns to sit with Jilly.” I know Dad is right, but my gut tells me that we will all be leaving this hospital soon, everyone but Jilly. We get up and walk back in the sliding doors.

  Two months later…

  Chapter 17

  Charity

  I open my eyes, but I don’t move. I am afraid to. I don’t want the nauseous feeling to take me over the way it has for the last three weeks. I don’t even want to think what this means. Living in denial is much easier. Nope, this is a virus that just won’t go away or food poisoning. Yes, that explains it. Who am I kidding? Not me, but I refuse to face it, so I go on with daily life. Faith has started giving me sideways glances when she catches me getting sick. Yes, I try to hide it, but this small apartment has paper t
hin walls. If I don’t think it and don’t say it out loud, then it is not true, and I do not need to face the consequences. Faith has gone as far as to go to the local drug store and buy me some vitamins to take. My sister thought she was being sneaky, but I caught her leaving the bag in our bedroom on the bed table on my side of the bed. I saw the bag and grabbed it from the moving carton we put a towel over to make it look like a bed side table. I looked inside and there was vitamins and two boxes of pregnancy test that we are not talking about. I took the vitamins out, who doesn’t need vitamins, and then stuffed the bag under the cabinet in the bathroom. I know Faith is only going to give me so much times before she confronts me. I’ll take every minute of it. I reach for a zip lock bag that has my crackers in it. I put a couple in a bag every night before I go to sleep, so I will have them for the morning. I look at the alarm clock and I know my alarm is going to be going off soon. I eat a couple of crackers and swing my feet off the bed and try not to wake Faith up. Yes, we are sharing a room and a queen size bed. It could be worse, a lot worse. Faith and I are sharing a one- bedroom apartment in one of Paul’s apartments, Uncle Hem’s oldest son. Paul is kind hearted just like his dad. His wife, Susan is the sweetest woman, and she helped Faith and myself hit some garage sales and second-hand stores to furnish this apartment. Nothing matches but it is ours. Our transition to the metroplex area has gone smoothly for the most part, but our small apartment is the refuge that Faith and I have needed.

  The first week we arrived in Dallas was hectic getting settled. Paul lives in Ft. Worth, but he just purchased some old apartments closer to Dallas. The apartments aren’t that bad. They needed new paint and carpet and some minor repairs mostly plumbing and sheet rock. Susan put Faith and me in the managers apartments. It’s is perfect for us for now and with her help we have made a home out of it.

  We have Faith all up to date on her school work with the help of Bubba, one of Uncle Hem’s other sons. Well him and his biker buddies, Brain and Tito. Tito worked with Faith getting the information that he needed to falsify school records. I know, not exactly legal, but Faith brought what paperwork she could find from the school work she had completed and then she took a placement test and to our astonishment she only needed two six-week courses and she has completed those, so my sister is a seventeen-year old graduate. We changed Faith’s last name on the records and a few dates. We also changed the name of the person verifying the work. I trust Tito and Brain to a certain extent, but the only person I trust completely is Faith. Susan was able to get her in to a doctor appointment, so we could get refills on her medicine after the doctor found out that our Ma was slipping her aspirin he did a full battery of test. His prognosis was that most of Faith’s attacks were brought on by Ma giving her aspirin. Faith has not had one asthma attack since we have been here. I am not complaining, it just makes me wonder if Ma hadn’t been slipping Faith aspirin for years. Only time will tell. Then there is the thought of what kind of doctor takes in an unknown patient with no paperwork, identification, or insurance. My answer was a very concerned man who put his patient’s health above asking questions.

  Faith and I both have fake identification; driver’s license, social security cards, birth certificates, voter’s identification card, and even shot records. We kept our first names which Tito and Brain neither one liked the idea, but if we slip up it would look worse. I guess it might be easier to let the two men helping us in on everything, but Uncle Hem told Bubba a hell no on that idea. I worried about it but finally went with safe instead of sorry and Faith agreed. We took the last name of Jones, original, right? We are both employed. I am working in Bubba’s Repair and Restore shop. Yes, the name has no imagination to it at all, but Bubba said it is the truth and to the point. I love working there but first thing in the morning is difficult to keep from puking my guts out. Bubba is giving me the eye, but I can’t tell what I do not know. I make up my time in the evenings. I love working with my hands. I know it is not very lady like with all the grease and oil but the satisfaction I get when a motor runs with a perfect purr or a loud rumble after I work on it is an amazing rush. Bubba was hesitant at first to give me the big jobs. I was stuck with oil changes and tune ups but one day he came in and gave me a valve job and since that day he has put his trust in me and I hope I never let him down. Bubba is different than his dad and brother. He has rougher edges. Faith is not good around motors, grease, and oil, so Paul put her to work at the apartment building we live at. Right now, she oversees any messages between the different subcontractors at the job site to Paul. After they have the apartments repaired and they start leasing, then Faith is going to be the manager. Susan is training her and teaching her the computer programs. The world wide web is not something that we are accustomed to working with. Sure, we had laptop computers back home, but only for school work or filling out refill orders for our community. The elders in the community would take our computers at night to get the orders and our school work, I always wondered how they got access to internet to turn the orders in. Doesn’t matter now. Susan is teaching Faith and Faith is teaching me. I use what Faith has taught me at the shop. I know the internet now and I am tempted to check up on Brody, but Brain and Tito have warned us not to contact anyone from our past, Uncle Hem excluded. I know we are comfortable right now, but sooner or later we will need to move on. I am trying to absorb all the knowledge of living on our own. I try to remember every name I hear. These people are protecting us but if one name comes up that we know, then we will leave. We have to-go bags just in case it is a last-minute thing. We have learned in our life to expect the unexpected. We have come up with a plan in case we are separated, and we have signals if one of us is taken. It’s not easy being on alert all the time, it’s tiring but necessary. Faith and I both have prepaid phones and only Uncle Hem and the friends we have made here have the numbers. I think we are adjusting. It’s not what I thought it would be, us on the run. We have been lucky, and I just hope that luck holds up. I am brought out of my thoughts by the sudden urge to get sick. I run for the bathroom and make it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. If it was only once I think I could deal with it but my stomach wretches many times. I feel a cool rag put on the back of my neck and another put in my hand. I wipe my face with it. I reach up and flush the toilet and I think for the minute I am done. My stomach still doesn’t feel normal, but it is settling a little. I turn and put my back up against our small bathtub. The coolness of it feels good through my night shirt. I chance a look at Faith and yes, I know my time has run out.

  “I’m talking to Susan today about getting you in to see a doctor. Whether you want to face it or not there is a problem, and if you would just take the damn pregnancy test it might relief some of the worry. It’s not the end of the world if you are pregnant, but if this is something else it needs to be found. I can’t lose you.” I look at Faith and I see the worry. I know if the she was in this situation I would be worried out of my mind. She’s right. I just need to be an adult about this and face my fears.

  “I’ll take the pregnancy test we have here and go from there. I am sorry I worried you. I have been trying to hide my head in the clouds and it stops now.” I get up and walk to the sink and bend down and take the bag that has the pregnancy test in them and put them on top of the cabinet and I look at myself in the mirror. I look tired. I grab my tooth brush and hope this works better than it did yesterday. Yesterday I brushed my teeth three times before I quit getting sick, something about the taste of the toothpaste set me off again. I brush my teeth with no reoccurrence of nausea. Faith is sitting on the side of the tub watching me. I take the two pregnancy test out of the bag and throw the bag away. I hand one of the tests to Faith. Her eyes bug out. “If I do this then you are helping, so read that one and tell me what I need to do, it’s not like I have ever seen one of these things before.” Faith shakes her head yes and then turns the box over and starts reading, I do the same with the other one. Seems simple. I look at Faith and
wait for her answer.

  “This one is a digital one and it takes three minutes and the pregnant or not pregnant will show. You just need to take care of your part.” Faith gives me a weak smile.

  “This one is two minutes and a plus sign or straight line. Out you go sis, I think the next part is all on me.” Faith gets up and hands me the box she is holding.

  “You sure you don’t want me to stay.” I want to laugh. She has such a mother hen look on her face.

  “I have been going potty all by myself for years now.” I laugh trying to lessen the tension. “Just go in the bedroom and wait. I will come out as soon as I get these things done, then you can hold my hand for whatever the outcome is.” Faith gets up and walks to the door and looks back at me. I know this can change my life, and Faith’s. I have known from the night that Brody and I where together that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant, and in the back of my mind I have thought about it. Who am I kidding, it has plagued my thoughts? Now to face the fear. I take care of the process, so I can get the answer I need. I wash my hands and walk out of the bathroom into the bedroom and I go over and sit on the bed. It seems like it is taking forever. Faith and I don’t say a word. I hand one test to Faith. The seconds tick by. I look at my test and there is a plus sign. I take a deep breath and it feels like my world is tilting. I feel the tears slide down my face and I don’t know if it is sad tears or happy tears. I’m pregnant. I will always have a small part of Brody with me and then my mind goes crazy with the thought of letting him know. Can I do that? Or is it best to just leave it the way it is? I feel Faith tense up beside me. Faith looks at me and our eyes meet, and I see she has tears in her eyes, but she has a smile on her face.