Colorblind

by Leah Harper Bowron

  “Right away, madam,” said the sales attendant, who promptly returned with the requested undergarment.

  “Here, Lisa,” said her mother, “let me help you into this bra.”

  “Mother, I can do it myself,” said Lisa.

  Lisa grabbed the bra and closed the dressing room door. She removed her trainer bra and then tried to fasten the real bra, the padded bra, to her chest.

  “Need some help?” asked her mother.

  Lisa’s mother slipped into the room and fastened the bra on Lisa.

  “We just need to tighten these straps so that the cups will fit snugly,” Lisa’s mother said while tugging on the straps.

  Lisa looked in the mirror. She now had two small mounds protruding from her chest. Mounds of padding. Not mounds of breasts. Lisa turned from the mirror to her mother.

  “But, Mom, aren’t these ‘falsies’? They’re not really my bosoms,” said Lisa in a low voice.

  “This bra is perfectly respectable,” Lisa’s mother replied. “It is your secret pal and will help you fit in with your friends until nature takes its course.”

  In a moment of quick thinking Lisa’s mother provided a bit more persuasion.

  “Why, the word ‘bra’ is short for the word ‘brag’—if you want people to brag about how you look, then wear this bra,” said Lisa’s mother.

  Lisa knew that the word “bra” had nothing to do with the word “brag.” Lisa also knew that the phrase “until nature takes its course” was a polite way of saying that Lisa hadn’t gotten her period yet. Why, Lisa’s mother made her keep Kotex pads in her purse just in case she started her period away from home.

  “Now slip the navy dress back on over your new bra,” said Mrs. Parker.

  Lisa put the elephant dress back on and smiled at herself in the mirrors.

  “It fits now,” said Mrs. Parker. “Try the other dresses back on with the new bra.”

  Lisa found that all of the dresses now fit in the bust. The droops, folds, and sags were gone, and in their place were two small mounds. Lisa couldn’t believe her eyes!

  “We’ll take them all,” said Mrs. Parker. “And of course the bra. May she wear it out of the store?”

  “Of course, madam,” said the sales attendant.

  “Put several more padded bras in the shopping bag and charge everything,” Mrs. Parker ordered.

  And so Lisa, her arms laden with shopping bags, headed for her mother’s white Corvair. She had placed her old trainer bra next to the Kotex pads in her purse.

  “That’s funny,” thought Lisa. “I’m wearing a ‘padded’ bra because I haven’t started my period, and I have Kotex ‘pads’ for when I do start my period!”

  Lisa’s new padded bra made her feel slightly unreal. Yet she felt so grown-up at the same time.

  “I’ve got a secret,” thought Lisa. “Two new secrets, to be precise.”

  Chapter Four

  The Secret

  Lisa’s two padded secrets paled in comparison to the deep, dark secret that only her parents and doctor knew for sure. Lisa had been born with a gaping hole in the center of her face. The medical words for her secret were “cleft palate” and “cleft lip.” The mean word for her secret was “harelip” because a cleft lip scar can resemble a rabbit’s split lip. After several operations Lisa had a slightly flattened left nostril and scars reaching from her nose to her upper lip. She also had a crooked smile because when she smiled, one side of her mouth was smaller than the other side.

  The mean boys on the playground and in the lunch-room made fun of Lisa’s “smushed” nose and called her names. This teasing made Lisa sad, but she was too scared of the mean boys to tell her parents or her teachers. Lisa’s girlfriends were also too scared of the mean boys to help Lisa. This teasing caused Lisa to have stomachaches, and Lisa would be absent from school and away from the mean boys.

  This teasing also caused Lisa to doubt herself. She began to think of ways the children might like her in spite of her face. She wore the prettiest clothes so that the children might like her. She wore her hair in ringlets so that the children might like her. She had the most toys and games so that the children might like her. She let the popular girls copy her homework and test answers so that the popular girls might like her. And most importantly, she became the best student in the class so that the children (and the teacher) might like her.

  Despite all her efforts, the teasing continued, and Lisa continued to doubt herself.

  Lisa’s mother also caused Lisa to doubt herself. Whenever Lisa had a birthday, her mother would relive the story of Lisa’s birth and what a horrible experience it was for her. Lisa’s mother would say how she deserved the birthday present and Lisa did not. Lisa’s mother would also say that the only way she could cope with Lisa’s “birth defects” was to compare Lisa to a child in an iron lung and be thankful that Lisa’s condition was not that bad. Lisa would run to her room and cry whenever her mother told her these things, and Lisa would doubt herself even more. Lisa’s father had no knowledge of these “birthday wishes,” and Lisa was too scared of her mother to tell him.

  Lisa’s secret grew exponentially from just a secret about Lisa’s face to secrets about the mean boys and secrets about her mother. Lisa lived in constant fear.

  Yet Lisa had allies in the house. She had a brother named Harold whom she called “Bubba,” who was three years younger than she was. She had another brother named Mark who was eight years younger than she was. And she had a baby sister named Elizabeth who was not quite eleven years younger than she was. And as her mother happily reported, these three children were not born with gaping holes in the centers of their faces.

  Yet because Lisa was born with a gaping hole in the center of her face, she felt that she would have to hide her secret for the rest of her life.

  Chapter Five

  The First Day

  Lisa awoke, and anxious thoughts immediately flooded her brain. It was the first day of school at Wyatt, and Lisa felt like she was going to throw up. “Please, God,” she prayed, “let there be no mean boys in my classes.”

  She looked over at the new paisley dress that her mother had selected for her to wear today. Lisa got out of bed and shakily began getting dressed. When she put on her new bra, she felt as if two snow cones were resting on her chest. “If they melt, I’m in trouble,” thought Lisa.

  She then put on the new dress and looked at herself in her full-length mirror. “Not bad,” she thought as she started brushing her soft blonde hair. Two blue eyes peeked out from under her bangs.

  On the other side of town, Miss Loomis, the new Negro teacher at Wyatt, awoke. Anxious thoughts immediately flooded her brain. It was the first day of school at Wyatt, and Miss Loomis felt like she was going to throw up. “Please, God,” she prayed, “let there be no mean children in my classes.”

  She looked over at the new dress that she had selected to wear today. It was white with a tiny print of black and red flowers on it. Miss Loomis got out of bed and shakily began getting dressed. When she put on her padded bra, she felt as if two small igloos were resting on her chest. “Hope I don’t melt,” thought Miss Loomis.

  She then put on her new dress and looked at herself in her chifferobe mirror. “Not bad,” she thought as she put her wiry white hair into a bun. Two brown eyes peeked out from behind her thick white glasses.

  And so the first day of school at Wyatt Elementary began. Miss Loomis’s preacher, Rev. Whitney Reed, would drive her back and forth to Wyatt. On this particular morning he had much advice to give Miss Loomis.

  “Hold your head high and smile,” said Reverend Reed. “Make eye contact with the children. And remember, you are special—God chose you to be the first black teacher at Wyatt.”

  “Yes, sir, Reverend Reed,” said Miss Loomis shakily.

  “The movement is counting on you to do your part, so don’t let us down,” said Reverend Reed.

  “I won’t let you down,” said Miss Loomis.

  “Dr
. King is looking down on you this morning,” said Reverend Reed.

  “I won’t disappoint him,” said Miss Loomis. “Goodbye, Reverend Reed.”

  Miss Loomis arrived early so that she could decorate her classroom bulletin board for her fifth- and sixth-grade English students. She had chosen the theme of “Children Around the World” to coordinate with the international theme in the Weekly Readers that the children would receive. Miss Loomis was very artistic and had made cutouts of children in their native clothing holding hands. Above the cutout children on the bulletin board were the words “A Colorful Year” in bold black letters. In the upper left-hand corner of the bulletin board was the headline “Weekly Word.” Underneath this headline was the word “Welcome” written in four languages.

  Miss Loomis had another reason for her bulletin board. She hoped that the white students would see the children of different colors holding hands and think that if white and colored children could get along, then white students could get along with a Negro teacher.

  Mrs. Parker drove Lisa and Harold to and from Wyatt each day. On this particular morning she was full of advice for Lisa.

  “Don’t be nice to the new Negro teacher,” said Mrs. Parker. “Don’t engage in idle chitchat with the new Negro teacher.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” said Lisa shakily.

  “Remember that she is not your equal—you are better than she is in every way,” said Mrs. Parker.

  “Yes, ma’am,” said Lisa.

  “Harold,” said Mrs. Parker, “don’t pick your nose.”

  “Yes, Mama,” said Harold.

  “And, Lisa, don’t get too close to her,” said Mrs. Parker. “Negroes smell bad.”

  “Ozella doesn’t smell bad,” said Lisa.

  “That’s because I taught her personal hygiene,” said Mrs. Parker. “I can’t vouch for your teacher.”

  “All right,” said Lisa, “I will keep a proper distance from the new Negro teacher. Good-bye, Mother.”

  “And not a word of this to your father,” said Mrs. Parker.

  Mrs. Parker dropped Lisa at the school crosswalk and then parked the car so that she could take Harold to his new classroom. Harold was delighted to find that Mrs. Watson was his third-grade teacher. She had the reputation of being extra nice and reading stories to the children every day.

  Lisa also arrived at school early so that she could find her homeroom and determine whether any of the mean boys were in her class. Lisa went from door to door looking for her name on the class rosters. Then she approached Mrs. Duke’s room and found her name on the girls’ side of the roster. She smiled when she saw Cathy’s name on the list. She then looked over at the boys’ side, and her heart skipped a beat. The meanest boy in the whole school was in her class—none other than Will Harris.

  Lisa began to go into panic mode—the sweaty palms, racing heart, and nervous stomach. “I’ll sit up front next to Cathy,” thought Lisa. “Will always sits in the back.”

  Lisa was able to secure a seat in the front row, with Cathy behind her, for Mrs. Duke’s class. Miss Loomis was able to decorate her bulletin board before starting her first class. Yet the day loomed large in front of them.

  Lisa thought that Mrs. Duke looked like her brunette Barbie doll. And Mrs. Duke had a secret, too. Unlike Lisa, whose secret made her feel unattractive, Mrs. Duke’s secret made her feel extra-pretty. Mrs. Duke was born with a double row of eyelashes. Her eyelashes were so lush and full that she didn’t need to wear mascara. Yet because her lashes were so thick, Mrs. Duke had developed the annoying habit of batting her eyelashes constantly, as if she were trying to signal someone in Morse code.

  During homeroom Mrs. Duke passed out the class schedule. Each student in the class had the same schedule. For Lisa, this meant that Will Harris would be with her all day long. First period would be Mrs. Duke for science; second period would be Mrs. Darren for math; then there would be recess with Mrs. Duke, followed by third period with Miss Newell for social studies. Fourth period would be lunch with Mrs. Duke, fifth period would be P.E. with Mrs. Cook, and sixth period would be Miss Loomis for English.

  “Miss Loomis is new,” thought Lisa. “She must be the new Negro teacher everyone has been talking about.”

  Lisa breezed through the first two periods without any interference from Will Harris. But her luck was to change at recess. While Mrs. Duke talked to another teacher on a far-off bench, Will began taunting Lisa.

  “Look, it’s Miss Smushed Nose,” Will yelled.

  “Yeah, did a bomb hit your face?” David Sullins chimed in.

  Lisa ran as far from the mean boys as she could, tears burning her eyes. She ran to her girlfriends for protection.

  Will was the tallest boy in the sixth grade, and he had a reputation for being a bully. His best friend and partner in crime was heavyset David Sullins. Most of the sixth graders were afraid of Will and David.

  Will followed Lisa and would not leave her alone.

  “Your nose looks like a train wreck!” Will exclaimed. “What’s wrong with you—why don’t you look like everyone else?”

  Lisa sat down in the grass and cried and cried. She could not wait for recess to be over.

  Will did not bother Lisa during third period, but as fate would have it, Lisa and Will were assigned to the same lunchroom table. Lisa sat as far from Will as she could. Will quickly became the king of the table. If Will made a negative comment about the food, no one would dare to eat it. If Will made a negative comment about Lisa, no one would dare to help her. And Mrs. Duke, who sat at the teachers’ table, never had a clue about Will and his kingdom.

  Lisa was unusually quiet during fifth period. She was saving her energy for sixth period with Miss Loomis.

  Miss Loomis had spent the first day trying to get her students to talk. She noticed from the start that her students would not look at or talk to her. She began to get a nervous stomach. It appeared that the parents had coached their children to have no contact with the new Negro teacher. She was being given the silent treatment because of the color of her skin.

  The teachers at Wyatt were also giving Miss Loomis the silent treatment. When Miss Loomis went to the teachers’ lounge, no one spoke to her. When Miss Loomis sat at the teachers’ table at lunch, no one spoke to her.

  But Miss Loomis would not be deterred. She would stay with her lesson plan. She would pass out readers and grammar books and give homework. She would bring her lunch to school and eat at her desk. And whenever she felt discouraged, she would look at her bulletin board and smile.

  Sixth period finally arrived, and Lisa could not wait to meet Miss Loomis. Lisa walked into the classroom and smiled. There she was, Miss Loomis, sitting behind her desk; she was so tiny that her head barely peeked over the edge.

  She was a very light-skinned Negro. Her wiry white hair was piled up in a bun. Her hair was thinning, and Lisa could see patches of bald skin through her hair. Her face was moon-shaped, and her cheeks protruded like a chipmunk’s stuffed with acorns. She had large lips with pink lip gloss on them, and her eyes puffed out in circles underneath her thick white glasses. She had moles and freckles all over her light skin.

  She was dressed quite fashionably in a floral print dress, and her petite frame rose from its seat as the class took its seats. Miss Loomis began to talk to the class. Lisa thought that Miss Loomis had a beautiful voice and that she enunciated every syllable.

  “Ozella doesn’t talk like that,” thought Lisa. “Miss Loomis must be well-educated. Does education take the colored person out of a Negro?”

  Lisa noticed that none of the other students were making eye contact with Miss Loomis. Lisa didn’t understand, but she continued to look at Miss Loomis.

  Miss Loomis said that the class would be reading poems, short stories, and novels that deal with the main character’s triumph over obstacles. As Miss Loomis painted sad but beautiful pictures of what the class would read, laughter erupted from the back row. Lisa looked behind her and saw none other than
Will Harris and David Sullins laughing.

  “Apparently the mean boys are now focusing their meanness upon Miss Loomis,” thought Lisa.

  Miss Loomis ignored the boys, but her hands were trembling as she passed out readers and grammar books. After giving homework assignments, Miss Loomis dismissed class.

  The first day of school ended with a whimper, not a bang. Lisa slumped home, winded from the teasing of the mean boys. Miss Loomis slumped home, winded from the silence of the students and teachers and hurt by the laughter of the mean boys.

  Chapter Six

  The Interrogation

  Reverend Reed drove Miss Loomis home after her first day of school. He peppered her with questions:

  “Did you hold your head high and smile?” asked Reverend Reed.

  “Yes, sir,” answered Miss Loomis.

  “Did the white children behave?” asked Reverend Reed.

  “Not exactly,” said Miss Loomis.

  “What do you mean?” asked Reverend Reed.

  “The white children refused to make eye contact with me or speak to me,” said Miss Loomis. “With one exception; Lisa Parker both looked at me and spoke to me.”

  “The Parker girl must be Arthur Parker’s daughter,” said Reverend Reed. “He is in favor of our movement and represents black clients.”

  “Even the white teachers refused to speak to me,” said Miss Loomis.

  “I was afraid of this,” said Reverend Reed. “It is a white conspiracy of silence to force you to quit.”

  “A white conspiracy is too much for me to handle,” said Miss Loomis.

  “Handle it you will,” said Reverend Reed. “The movement is counting on you to stand your ground.”

  “But I’m scared,” said Miss Loomis. “The two biggest boys in the class were laughing at me.”

  “You must stay the course and pave the way for the black children who will be bussed to Wyatt next year,” said Reverend Reed. “Just ignore the two white boys—let nature take its course.”