Behind These Blue Eyes

by Cecilia Randell

  “I don’t know about that. It’s been pretty darn hard, asking you guys to talk.”

  “I know, but you did it anyways. Do you know why I love acting so much? I can put on a mask, pretend to be someone else. It’s so much easier to deal with things when you aren’t you.”

  Blue thought about what Phe said. It made sense. In a way, her stories did the same thing for her, allowed her to pull on a different character, tell a tale of someone else, and avoid her own issues. “I get that, but what you’re doing now is real, and takes courage. I think we’re more alike than I first thought, Phe, and you are just as brave. As for the drama, just make sure when you need to, you drop the act, all right? Besides, I like this Phe just fine,” she finished with a smile, meaning it. She really did like this Phe.

  “I like this Phe too,” Phe said with a smile. “Until recently, I feel like I was wearing a mask all the time, especially around Phi. I was just too scared. And the worst part, I wasn’t surprised, when he went all crazy with that crystal. I wasn’t surprised at all. I’d been waiting for the darkness to come out of him.” Her smile faded. “I was relieved, Blue. It all came to a head and I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I was relieved, and felt guilty for it.”

  Blue nodded, understanding how Phe felt. “Emotions are confusing.”

  Phe laughed. “Yes, they are. Speaking of emotions, what’s going on with you and Forrest? And what was all that back in alien-land, with the big red-head? Or the sexy crystal guy? Don’t think I missed that kiss you gave him.”

  Remembering, Blue blushed. “It was just a little kiss on the cheek, a thank you.”

  “Uh-huh.” Phe’s eyes were big, her voice overly skeptical.

  “What about Kevin?” she asked, turning the tables. She was delighted when Phe’s cheeks filled with color. “Yes?”

  “I like him, a lot.”

  “Good, ‘cause he’s loved you since, like, forever, and I think you know it.”

  Phe sighed. “I just don’t know how to break past the distance.”

  Blue gave her an incredulous look. “Seriously? You are one of the most out-going people I know. Just, tell the guy.”

  “Not that easy when it’s real, Blue. Not that easy.”

  “True.” Her thoughts went to Mo’ata. She’d told him how she felt, but did she only do it because she may never see him again? Would she have said anything if she’d known she’d see him the next week? No, she would have held onto it, too scared to say anything, to scared of his reaction, of him rejecting her. Leaving Karran the way she had, those fears weren’t a factor. “I think, Phe, that you’re just going to have to do it. Plus, Kevin really wants to tell you what happened freshman year. I know he’s already talked to Forrest, and he filled me in, but he needs you, Phe, and he needs to straighten things up with you. As the older and wiser woman here, I’m telling you, give him a chance.”

  “Wiser? I don’t know about that.” Phe paused. “Wait, older? How old are you? You’re not older than me!”

  Tilting her chin up, Blue placed a hand on her chest. “I am eighteen, thank you.”

  Phe looked her up and down. “When did this happen?”

  Blue blushed. “The Thursday before the concert.”

  “And I didn’t hear about this because…?” Phe asked with a raised brow.

  “I just-“ Blue shrugged and groaned. “It sounds stupid, but I didn’t want to bother you guys.”

  “You,” Phe pointed at her, “are an idiot. Things like the birthday of my bestie are exactly what you should be telling me.” A sly grin crawled over her lips. “Actually, this is perfect. I can guarantee Forrest didn’t do anything for this birthday. We can have a joint party!”

  “Wait, when was Forrest’s birthday?” She vaguely recalled Derrick and him talking about it the first day of school. And getting a tattoo…

  “September.” Phe eyed her. Blue could see the thoughts and schemes forming and had to suppress a smile. Phe was a handful, but there really wasn’t a mean bone in her body. “I’ll do it, I’ll talk to Kevin, but on one condition. You have to tell me what’s up with you and Forrest. Is it looovveeee?” This last was said with a bat of Phe’s lashes and a sing-song voice.

  Blue gathered her courage and finally voiced one of the concerns that had been plaguing her, even more grateful that she had Phe to talk to. She didn’t feel comfortable talking about things like this with Kevin, and she certainly couldn’t ask Forrest. “I don’t know. Can you love more than one person? I’m not saying I do, I just…”

  Mouth dropping open, Phe hopped of the counter and crossed her arms. After a minute or two she shrugged. “I think it depends. Yes, someone can love more than one person, people do it all the time. A lot of them just commit to one and leave it at that. Or, don’t commit and fuck up their lives. I have heard of people who manage to have more than one romantic partner and make it work, but someone usually ends up making a reality show out of it.” She leaned in close and wiggled her eyebrows. “Is it the hunky red-head? You guys looked pretty chummy saying your farewells.”

  Blue filled Phe in on what D’rama had told her about the clans’ family structure, and Forrest’s little duck joke. As she talked, she realized the idea had been forming in the back of her mind for a while now, a small seed D’rama planted. It was moot though, she’d never go back there. “Is it fair to Forrest? I think I do like him, I keep imagining his bare butt, and I really don’t like it when Becca gets too close to him, but I also can’t forget about Mo’ata. Damn, emotions are confusing.” There are others you’re thinking of as well, aren’t there? a little voice whispered to her, and her blush deepened.

  Phe’s eyes narrowed, her gaze seeming to bore into Blue, missing nothing. Not a comfortable feeling. “You sure you don’t want to try going back?” she asked.

  “I can’t.” Could I?

  “Okay.” Phe’s tone told her she wasn’t agreeing, just saying she’d heard her. “Well, we’ve just about used up our time for ‘feminine issues’, so let’s get to class. We’ll talk more later. Maybe you can come spend the night on Friday. We’ll plan a party and talk about boys and do other girly shit.”

  “And you’ll talk to Kevin?”

  Phe paused at the door. “Yeah, I’ll talk to Kevin.”

  “Today?”

  “Fine, right after school.”

  Blue smiled, satisfied with the way their long overdue conversation had gone. She had all her friends back, and she also had someone to talk to about all her confusing boy-related emotions. She really didn’t understand them.

  Later that day, as she walked to the parking lot, she spied Kevin and Phe, tucked into a corner. As she watched, Phe reached up and played with the hair on the back of Kevin’s head, pulling him closer and into a sweet kiss. She grinned. Guess they got a chance to talk, and earlier than I thought.

  “Ugh, it’s disgusting.” The feminine voice came from behind, pulling her attention.

  “I know. I don’t know how he could like her, not after what her brother and that other friend of theirs did to Danny and Eric.” This voice was a boy’s, not one she recognized, either.

  She twisted her head, trying to see who had spoken. One of the cheerleaders and another player stood on the other side of the hall, sneers on their faces. She didn’t know the guy, though she thought maybe he was on the junior team.

  Adrenaline shot through her, sending her blood surging. How dare these people disparage her friends, when they didn’t know the first thing about what had happened?

  She strode to them, coming to a halt only a foot away, glaring at them both. “You two don’t know what you’re talking about. Phillip and Derrick had nothing to do with what happened, and Phe and Kevin certainly didn’t. Just, mind your own business, will you?”

  The pair stared at her, then laughed. “Or you’ll do what, little girl?” the guy asked.

  “Or, I’ll kick your ass, Eddie.” Jason said. He’d come up behind her silently. Eddie jumped, he apparently hadn�
�t seen Jason approach either.

  “What’s going on?” Kevin must have spotted the growing crowd and angry expressions. He’d dragged Phe over, and now stood just on the other side of Blue.

  She didn’t try to smooth things over, still too angry. Instead, she told the truth. “These two were talking about how they didn’t understand why you were with Phe when her friends were the reason Danny and Eric went missing. Also, something about it being disgusting. I disagreed and told them to stop talking about it, and Eddie here got an attitude, and then Jason said he would beat him up.”

  Kevin blinked, his twitching mouth telling her he tried not to laugh. “Okay. Well, first, I care not one bit about what anyone says about Phe and me, we’re together now.” A huge smile spread across Kevin’s face. “Second, I’m not sure it’s worth beating anyone up, but go for it, Jason, if you need to.” Kevin’s face hardened and filled with an intensity she rarely saw. “Third, please don’t mess with Blue. If you do, I will let go of the leash, and it won’t be Jason’s.”

  At this Phe pushed forward, a wicked grin on her face and a twinkle in her eye. “Yeah, you mess with Blue, you mess with me, and you really don’t want to mess with me. I know things, Eddie boy, that I’m sure you wouldn’t want to get out.”

  The boy paled. “Right. Ummm – didn’t mean anything by it. Well, see you later, Kevin, Jason.” He turned and hurried down the hall, leaving the girl standing there alone, everyone staring at her.

  She stiffened her spine. “I’m not sorry. Those people,” she nodded toward Phe, “are trouble.” With that parting shot, she strode away. Blue felt a grudging admiration for the girl, at least she hadn’t backed down.

  Jason nudged her shoulder. “Don’t pout. If you need to see some bloodshed I can go drag them back.”

  This made her laugh. Why couldn’t this side of Jason come out more? “No, it’s okay. It really was stupid. I should have just stepped away, but they made me so angry.” She turned to Phe. “I mean, you guys are finally together. Who are they to tear that down?” She frowned, getting upset all over again.

  Blue was almost knocked over by Phe’s hug. “You really are the best. Damn.” Phe looked over to where Kevin stood. “You okay if we push pause, just for this afternoon? My girl and I need to talk about girl stuff.”

  Kevin laughed. “Of course. Give me a call later.” He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss. Blue felt a little bit of envy, not for Kevin, but that Kevin and Phe seemed to have sorted out their issues, while she was still stuck in emotion-confusion-land.

  Blue was finally home. The sky was dark and lights blazed from almost every window of the house. She’d spent a lot longer at Phe’s than planned, but there was a lot to catch up on. They had talked for ages, about everything and nothing. They’d also come up with a most awesome and, according to Phe, epic birthday plan.

  It was that time of the year when the days were warm, but the nights grew much cooler. She pulled her scarf on, the one Mo’ata had given her. She’d taken to wearing in whenever she could, though she refused to contemplate what that might mean. Grabbing her bag, she hurried up the walk and slammed through the door. “Hey, Mom! I’m home! I’ll get dinner going in just a minute, unless you want to order something,” she called out, dropping her bag by the door and heading to the kitchen.

  Mom sat there, just staring at the table. She didn’t say anything when Blue came in. “Mom?”

  Her mom raised her head and looked at Blue with sad eyes. “Come have a seat sweetie.”

  She approached the table and pulled out the chair across from her mom. “Are you okay?”

  “The police came by again. They wanted to give us an update about your missing friends. Apparently, Phillip’s car was found yesterday, but no bodies, which I guess is a good sign. They still haven’t found anyone, though. They’re not closing the case, but they said that, right now, even with the car, there aren’t any real leads to go on.” Mom looked away and swallowed, then back at Blue, her eyes almost pleading. “Will you talk to me? Tell me what’s going on? I know there’s something. I’ve let it go until now, but if you know anything that would help them solve this, find these boys, even if it… if it incriminates another, you need to say something. We’ll figure it out, whatever it is.”

  “It’s nothing, mom. Really. It’s just been hard on Phe and the others to lose their friends, and I’m trying to help them through that.” She felt bad about not telling Mom everything, but technically she wasn’t lying.

  Mom sighed. “All right. I’ll let I go for now, but if you know something that will help the police in their investigation, you will say something, right?”

  “I promise. If I find out something that will help, I’ll tell them.”

  Mom nodded, but it was slow, and a frown pulled the corners of her mouth down. She hated disappointing her, but Blue just wasn’t ready to tell her mom about Karran. She wasn’t sure she ever would be. It was fear, pure and simple, that held her back. What if Mom didn’t believe?

  “Oh, no need to cook, I ordered pizza, it’s in the oven to keep warm.” Mom stood and pulled the boxes from the oven. Blue grabbed plates and they ate in silence. The silence needling her, Blue wished she could find the courage to speak, but the words never came.

  Pushing her plate aside, Mom’s gaze fell on the scarf still around Blue’s neck. “Your dad got me one just like it, you know. We were out, shopping, and there it was, in a beautiful green. He said he had to get it for me, it matched my eyes,” she said, a wistful look on her face.

  Blue set her pizza down, her throat tightening. “Do you still have it?”

  “No,” Mom said, shrugging. “I think it was lost in one of the moves. Your dad wanted to get me another, but it wasn’t… feasible.”

  Her thoughts stilling, Blue stared at her mom. Could it have come from…? “What do you mean?”

  “The place we got it wasn’t very easy to get to, and your dad had some trouble the last time we went, so we thought it best to avoid it altogether.”

  Her suspicions grew, and it was enough to give her the courage to make the leap. “Do you mean Karran?” The room seemed to freeze as soon as the words were out.

  Mom’s face drained of color. “Where do you know that name from?” she whispered.

  She had known. All along, she had known. Blue sagged back into her chair. Relief that the truth was finally out warred with resentment over the secrets her parents had kept from her. “Did you know?” she asked, needing confirmation, and half hoping the answer would somehow be ‘no’.

  “I don’t—”

  “Just tell me mom, did you know?”

  Her mom sighed. “Yes, I knew.”

  “What? How— I mean—. Why didn’t you guys ever tell me?”

  Mom’s brows rose.

  “Okay, stupid question.” Mom knew where Dad was from, knew about Karran. The thoughts swirled in a never-ending loop. Knew about the portals… “But still, how could you not tell me?”

  “How were we supposed to? Your father couldn’t return, and when you didn’t show signs of potential, we thought it would be a non-issue. Do you know why he told you those stories of the Piper Boy?” Not waiting for a response, Mom continued. “He told them so that, if you ever did show potential for portal manipulation, at least some of those worlds would be familiar to you.”

  Of course. Now that Mom said it, the similarities were evident. What was the saying, right next to the snake bite kit? The Ministry were the “police”. The clansmen were the “barbarian savages” with their “horned mounts”. There was even a tale where the Piper Boy stole a family heirloom from a “crime family” on a dare. The other tales were sure to be things she just hadn’t seen yet. Why did it seem the most obvious things were also the ones that had to be pointed out?

  “Now, it’s your turn,” Mom said, breaking into her daze. “How do you know of Karran?”

  Then it really was Blue’s turn, and her tale took much longer. Haltingly, and then in a rush of w
ords, she told her mom of the natural portal she accidentally set off, the clansmen, the kidnappers, all of it. She told her about Jason, and Derrick’s death, and what they suspected had happened to Phillip. She told her about meeting the Piper Boy and that other guy from the Ministry, who had been Dad’s friend. And she told her about Trevon, and Mo’ata. It all spilled out. By the end, Blue was weak, though she felt lighter, purged.

  “Oh, sweet baby.” Mom rose and tugged Blue from her seat, steering her to the couch. She gathered her close, rocking. “I am so sorry. If we had known… I really had no idea. I knew your dad vetoed some of the jobs I wanted to take, based on the location. He wanted to stay away from any potential portal sites. I swear I didn’t know Austin was one of them. We wouldn’t have come here if I’d know.”

  Blue pulled back, hearing the guilt in her mother’s voice. She still resented her a little for not sharing in the first place, but who was she kidding? None of it was her mother’s doing, and she could not let her think so. “Mom, stop. I don’t blame you, I don’t. I’m just…”

  “Trying to figure it all out?”

  “Yeah.” She snuggled her head into Mom’s shoulder. “Though, don’t think that you’re completely off the hook. That’s some pretty big stuff you guys were holding back.”

  “Oh, and what you kept back wasn’t big? God, Blue, what you went through.” Mom’s arm, still wrapped around her, squeezed to the point Blue feared she would pop a lung. “I’m actually really glad I can talk to you about this. I never liked that we had to keep this secret.”

  “Umm hmm.” Something else occurred to Blue, and she grinned. “I have someone you should meet. You and Forrest’s mom would get on like – what’s that saying? – get on like a house on fire. And how could that possibly mean what it means?”

  Later, as she lay in bed drifting off to sleep, Blue thought over the day. Phe was back, and with Kevin. Forrest had also made a lot of progress. They’d used the ‘neediness words’ a couple times, as they’d started to call them, and it was working. Even Jason, though he was supposed to leave soon, had started to show his friendly side again. And she had finally been able to tell her mom of the misadventures to befall her in Karran.