Behind These Blue Eyes

by Cecilia Randell

  So many emotions had run through him then. Resentment for this man who thought he could speak for her like this, that he had any right. Anger that this conversation was even necessary, that she had been forced to choose. Admiration for the man before him, for having the courage to let her go, but still trying to do the best for her. Forrest didn’t think he could have done it. He took the time to study the man’s face. It held sorrow and pain, but also love.

  Admiration rose to the top. “I’ll try,” he’d replied. He wasn’t sure what else to say, but this seemed to satisfy the older man.

  Smiling slightly, Mo’ata had clasped his shoulder. “I wish you much happiness, Forrest. Do not forget your adventures, and do not let Blue forget hers.” Mo’ata hadn’t waited for a reply, rising and striding away rapidly. Forrest had stayed for quite a bit, lost in thought.

  He shook off the memory. Blue’s head was turned away, her shoulders stiff, as if she was afraid to look at him. He thought of their conversation on the trip from the clan camp to Tremmir, about pixies and ducklings, and the fact that Mo’ata’s clan liked to have one woman with multiple men. Mo’ata’s face flashed through his mind. Behind him were others, Felix, Levi. He hadn’t missed the way they looked at his Blue.

  An idea, an impulse, gripped him and he laughed, throwing his arm over her shoulders. He’d obviously startled her with his reaction, her eyes were big as they gazed up at him.

  “Then I guess we’ll just have to get the little pixie back to her ducklings, won’t we?”

  Blue laughed up at him. She must think he joked, but he didn’t. As soon as he said it out loud, he knew it was the right thing to do, for her, and for himself. If they didn’t at least try, she would always wonder ‘what if’ and so would he.

  He couldn’t resist one more little tease. He leaned close, his lips next to her ear, and she shivered. “Just as long as you remember I’m the duckling first in the line. Quack.” No way would he let her go.

  CHAPTER 9

  BLUE

  Excitement filled the halls. Students rushed about, some to their cars, some to the library to study for semi-finals. Spring break was around the corner, with graduation closing in soon after.

  “Coconut.”

  Blue grinned and turned to see Forrest right behind her, his expression serious. “What’s up? Need a hug?”

  “No, well, yes, but later. Right now, I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”

  “What? You’re the one who called the neediness word.”

  “Yeah, because there’s something bothering you, and I need you to tell me. Neediness.” She expected him to break out that sweet smile of his, but he remained unsmiling, almost somber. What was he talking about?

  “Maybe you can give me a hint? I’m honestly baffled.”

  “Yesterday, lunch. We were all joking around, and you just suddenly clammed up. I’ve seen you do it a few other times as well.”

  She thought back to the incident. He was right. They had all been talking, laughing about a new movie they’d seen. It was one about a group of people who get abducted by aliens. But it was a spoof, totally silly. She’d been laughing along with everyone else, when out of the corer of her eye she saw a flash of red hair. It had the same hue as Mo’ata’s. In that moment, she’d missed him terribly.

  Similar things had been happening a lot lately, ever since she and Forrest had their little talk up on the cliff. She did miss Karran, and Mo’ata, even Felix and Trevon. She even caught herself thinking of Levi once in a while, wondering if the last crystal was ever recovered, if Phillip and the other man had been found and stopped. It was like an unfinished tale and she eagerly awaited the sequel.

  “Blue? Talk to me. We have a deal.”

  A group of students hurried by, talking about their plans for spring break, one complaining that her parents refused to pay for a trip to the beach. More and more she’d begun to think this life, the life she led, along with everyone else, was mundane. She couldn’t find the excitement, the joy, that would carry her forward. She had settled on a volunteer abroad program. She’d also applied to her universities, just as she promised Mom and been accepted to two of them. She couldn’t work up any enthusiasm for any of it, it never seemed important.

  “It all seems so pointless, sometimes, everyone running around like this, like getting started on vacation fun, or weekend fun, is the most important thing in the world.” Blue turned back to Forrest. “Do you ever wonder how they’re doing? If they found Phillip or the crystal? I worry about it. I wonder if Beast has found a new rider. And I… “ I miss Mo’ata, she finished silently.

  “You’re missing it, the adventure. And you’re missing him.” Forrest took a deep breath, his shoulders and the muscles of his neck tightening. “Let’s do it!” he finally blurted out.

  She stared at him, unable to think of what he meant.

  “Let’s go back! I know we joked about it up on the cliff, but what if we could? What if you could get us back? We could find everyone again. You could learn more about the portals, I’m sure the Dean would convince them to let you in the Academy. I could go to that University they mentioned. Do you remember the museums? They were amazing.” His tone turned wistful. “What if I could learn just a fraction of that skill?”

  Her chest tightened, seeing her own longing reflected in him.

  Grabbing her shoulder, he bent down until they were eye to eye. “And you, you would have your adventures, and write all about them. We would come back here for visits, of course, we wouldn’t abandon our moms, or Kevin or Phe. We could do it Blue, I know we could.”

  Her shoulders tightened and her heart pounded. She blinked. They couldn’t go back, could they? Yeah, Forrest had mentioned it once, but she’d convinced herself he’d been joking. But, what if…

  “Do you really mean it? You want to try?” she asked, slightly breathless. Her thoughts stilled. She needed to clarify one thing before they made any kind of decision. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? You… you know how I feel about Mo’ata, right? I know I haven’t really said it out loud, but if we do this, I…“ she trailed off as Forrest’s expression grew grim.

  “You’re going to want to be with him too.” His tone was flat.

  She nodded. “Are you really okay with that?”

  He straightened, looking past her, and swallowed. He closed his eyes and breathed out, then met her gaze. All she saw there was affection and certainty, whatever he may have been thinking just moments ago. “The guy loves you, Blue. I know how that goes.” Then he grinned. “Quack.”

  She laughed. It really was a funny image. She almost let it go at that, but had to say one more thing. “What if… what if there are others?” she rushed out, more than one face flashing through her mind. Could she really try this? Should she?

  Forrest’s smile faltered, then firmed. “Then we figure it out.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. I want you happy, more than anything, and I can see you’re not. We’ll be partners in this, and we’ll stay honest. If something is ever not working for us, we’ll tell each other. We’ll cry ‘neediness’ and hash it out, okay? Even if the rest doesn’t work out, you’ll have your adventures, and you’ll have me, and those damn ‘what ifs’ will stop haunting your eyes.” This last he said sadly.

  Was she unhappy? Blue didn’t think so, but there was something missing from her life. Forrest pulled her into his arms, his hand running up and down her back, softly, comforting.

  Her arms went around him in turn, almost of their own volition, and the firm muscles in his back flexed. He’d filled out in the last months, morphing from boy to man. He’d also grown a couple inches. More and more Blue found herself watching him move, and remembering that brief flash of his bare behind. She’d been feeling surges of something, she thought it was desire, though she didn’t really have any experience with it. The few times she’d kissed a guy, she’d not felt anything but a detached interest. She did know she loved being close to Forrest, l
oved his hugs, and other touches.

  She felt the same thing when she remembered Mo’ata’s bare chest, or the way he held her close. There was a little stir when she recalled her brief kiss from Trevon. These memories were what always held her back. Maybe, just maybe, if they went back to Karran she could get this sorted out. Even if it didn’t work with Mo’ata, she could put those thoughts to rest, she could freely be with Forrest. And if it worked…

  “Let me think about it,” she finally said.

  Forrest gave her one hard squeeze, then let her go. “Okay, think about it.”

  Later that night, Blue sat at her desk and searched for her List. She’d not pulled it out in a couple months now. It was time to get back to it. Her comfort-zone had grown, and it was time to push its boundaries once again.

  As she shifted through the books and papers scattered around, a small, leather bound journal caught her eye. She reached for it, her hand trembling slightly. Her dad had gotten it for her a couple of weeks before the accident. She’d thought it lost in the move. When did it get there? She hadn’t written anything in it yet, wanting to save it for something special, and then it had gone missing.

  Opening it to the first page, she stared. Her dad had left her a message.

  “To my Blue-bell. I think it’s time you started writing down your own adventures, instead of everyone else’s. – Love, Dad”

  Her throat tightened. It was just like her dad, to tell her to get out of her own head in his own special way.

  Slowly, Blue gabbed a pen and turned the page. After a minute of staring at that blank page, she started to write. She wrote of her adventure, of the people she’d met, of the connections and friendships she’d formed. She wrote of Mo’ata, of his steadiness, his bravery in striking out on his own, searching for what he wanted. She wrote of D’rama, the welcoming twinkle in her eye. She wrote of Jason and the Ministry, how confused she still felt about the whole thing. She wrote of finally meeting the Piper Boy, and how he was nothing like she imagined. She wrote of Beast and Mo’ran and Felix and Levi, of a bottle of scent still tucked away in her closet, and a scarf she wore every chance she got. She wrote of the city, the different kinds of people and animals she’d met. She wrote of Phillip and Derrick, Danny and Eric, the crystals. She wrote of the whirlwind that was Trevon. She wrote all night and well into the early hours of the morning.

  School is going to be hell. Yawning, she finally closed the journal. She still wasn’t sure how to make things work between her and Forrest and Mo’ata, but one thing was clear; she was going to try. She was going to face things head-on, and she was going to go back, somehow, and she was going to have her adventures.