The Perfect Escape

by Claudia Carroll

  ‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. It’s a gorgeous hotel, isn’t it?’ Sarah smiled, pushing her designer sunglasses up on top of her head as she took in the view over the golf course and down to the lake.

  ‘I knew you’d like it. It’s exactly your kind of place.’

  Amanda and Sarah had met when they were Sociology students at Birmingham University. Whereas Amanda had given up on lectures after a few weeks, preferring to stay in bed and sleep off the hangover she undoubtedly had from partying too hard the night before, Sarah dutifully went along to every session, letting Amanda copy her notes when she got back. Sarah now worked as an area manager for a cosmetics company and all her time and energy was focused on her flourishing career. Like Amanda, she was 27 years old but, unlike her friend, she was still single and joked that she was married to her job.

  ‘It’s a great venue,’ Sarah nodded. ‘I’ll have to take a look at the facilities. It could be the perfect place for our annual conference.’

  ‘No thinking about work this weekend,’ Amanda chastised her. ‘This is my hen do. We’re here to have fun!’

  ‘Sorry,’ Sarah apologised. ‘And you’re right, we’re going to have an amazing time.’

  She jumped as the limo driver beeped the horn before pulling away, the huge pink car looking totally out of place amongst the rolling green hills. It looked more suited to the Las Vegas Strip than a sedate country house in deepest Derbyshire.

  ‘Are you two coming? Or are you going to stand outside gossiping all day?’ Auntie Brenda yelled loudly. The sound of her voice caused some nearby golfers to turn round and stare, a couple of them pointing in alarm at the damp patch on her skirt.

  ‘There was an accident with some champagne,’ she bellowed across the green, with as much dignity as she could manage. ‘I may be getting on, but I’m not ready for Tena Lady just yet!’ Then she marched inside with her nose in the air.

  ‘Sorry about that, we can’t take her anywhere,’ Amanda giggled, linking her arm through Sarah’s as they followed Auntie Brenda up the wide stone steps to the entrance.

  Inside it was just as grand as the outside had been, all dark wood panelling and oil paintings hung on the walls.

  They checked in, and a porter took their bags as they made their way excitedly up the main staircase, a dramatic, sweeping affair with a plush red carpet and an enormous chandelier hanging above them.

  ‘I feel like I’m in Downton Abbey,’ Brenda chuckled.

  ‘You’d have made a great Dowager Countess,’ Amanda told her seriously, as Lisa snorted.

  ‘Yeah, right. They wouldn’t have let you up from below stairs, Brenda,’ she teased, trying to keep a straight face as Brenda gave her the evil eye. Lisa had known Amanda’s family since she was tiny, so she had no qualms about making fun of them.

  ‘What’s happening with the rooms?’ Amanda asked, as they reached the top of the stairs and made their way along the corridor. ‘Who’s sharing with who?’

  ‘Lisa’s already asked if she can share with you,’ Shelli explained. ‘As you’ve been friends the longest and she is your head bridesmaid. So you two have got the best room.’

  Lisa let out a whoop, high-fiving Amanda.

  ‘I thought I’d share with Brenda, as we know each other,’ Shelli continued.

  ‘And so that no one else has to put up with Brenda’s snoring,’ Lisa quipped.

  ‘So that leaves Jo and Sarah sharing a room – is that okay?’ she asked them nervously, as both women nodded their heads and insisted it was fine.

  ‘Great!’ Shelli looked relieved, as she stopped outside door number 301. ‘This is Amanda’s room, so I suggest we all meet back here in fifteen minutes. Does that give everyone enough time to freshen up? You’ll need to get changed into your yoga outfits, and don’t forget to bring your swimming stuff as we’ll be heading to the spa straight afterwards.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ Jo grinned, as everyone headed off to find their rooms.

  ‘Mandy, this is gorgeous!’ Lisa squealed, taking in the four-poster bed and the lead-paned windows that looked out over the tennis courts and the riding stables beyond. The room itself was decorated in an old-fashioned chintzy style, with matching floral curtains and bedspread. ‘And check this out!’ she yelled, as she walked through to the bathroom, finding the stand-alone bath in the middle of the black and white tiled floor. ‘It’s like something out of Pretty Woman!’

  ‘Look what I’ve found,’ Amanda shouted from the bedroom, as Lisa ran back through to see. Amanda was searching through the minibar, pulling out miniature bottles of spirits and family-size bars of chocolate. She held up a discreet black box with red writing.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘An “Intimacy Package” apparently. Condoms, lube and a blindfold,’ Amanda smirked, as she read the side of the box.

  ‘No way!’ Lisa exclaimed. ‘I suppose the hotel is aimed at couples on mini-breaks.’

  ‘Well, I won’t be getting much use out of those this weekend,’ Amanda sighed wistfully.

  ‘You’re right there,’ Lisa agreed. ‘Just think, from now on, you’ll never sleep with anyone apart from Stuart ever again.’

  ‘I thought I was sleeping with you tonight,’ Amanda giggled. ‘We’re snuggling up in that romantic four-poster aren’t we?’

  ‘You know what I mean.’ Lisa rolled her eyes. ‘But seriously, doesn’t it seem weird? No sex with any other man, ever again.’

  ‘Not really,’ Amanda shrugged. ‘In some ways, it’s a relief. I don’t have to go out to clubs anymore and worry about whether or not anyone’s going to fancy me. I don’t have all that awkwardness of sleeping with someone new for the first time. And Stuart will put up with me if I haven’t shaved my legs or waxed my bikini line.’

  ‘Ah, it must be true love,’ Lisa teased, as she unzipped her suitcase and began wriggling out of her clothes. ‘Come on, we’d better get a move on. Everyone’ll be back here before we know it, and we’d better keep to Shelli’s schedule.’

  ‘Shouldn’t you be organising everything?’ Amanda wondered, as she undressed and began pulling on her leggings and a vest top. She and Lisa had known each other for so long that they had no qualms about getting undressed in front of each other. ‘You’re my head bridesmaid after all.’

  ‘I know, but Shelli really wanted to be involved in everything, and she had so many good ideas that I pretty much left her to it. She ran everything by me first though, so we won’t do anything terrible to you.’

  ‘I take it the yoga was Shelli’s idea?’

  ‘Yeah. She said it would be a great way for us all to bond, and to relax before the weekend kicks in. But you should have seen Brenda’s face when she suggested it! I can’t imagine her doing the downward dog, can you?’

  Amanda burst out laughing, looking up guiltily as there was a knock on the door and Shelli and Brenda burst in.

  ‘Auntie Brenda!’ Amanda exclaimed, as she caught sight of her. ‘You look—’

  ‘Retro,’ Shelli cut in quickly. ‘Doesn’t she, Lisa?’

  ‘That’s not quite the word I’d have used for it,’ Lisa replied, trying not to snigger as she took in Brenda’s outfit. She was wearing khaki hiking shorts that sat above the knee and showed off her chunky white legs – an effect not helped by the thick red ankle socks and white plimsolls on her feet. A too-small t-shirt stretched tightly across her ample bosom, and from the way everything was jiggling under there, it was clear that she wasn’t wearing a sports bra. The whole ensemble was topped off with a white sweatband crammed on top of her wiry ash-blonde bob, and pulled down low on her forehead.

  ‘Yes, well I’ve no idea about these things,’ Brenda told them dismissively. ‘Sport’s not really my thing. I mean, before this weekend, I thought yoga was a character from Star Wars.’

  She turned round, as Jo and Sarah appeared in the doorway behind them. Jo seemed self-conscious in leggings and an old t-shirt, but Sarah looked incredible in fitted yoga pants a
nd a cropped vest top that showed off her toned stomach and arms. Her shiny brunette hair was tied up in a swinging ponytail, and she looked the picture of health.

  ‘Sarah, you look great!’ Amanda exclaimed. ‘You’ll put the rest of us to shame.’

  ‘It’s just my usual yoga outfit,’ Sarah shrugged.

  ‘Sarah’s a pro,’ Jo informed them, looking worried.

  ‘Not really. I’ve been going to classes a couple of times a week for about three years now. I find it really calming when my job gets too stressful.’

  Everyone fell silent, suddenly feeling intimidated. Everyone, that is, apart from Auntie Brenda, who didn’t look in the least bit bothered.

  ‘Shall we go then?’ Shelli suggested brightly. ‘We don’t want to be late.’

  They set off back along the corridor, and Sarah asked Amanda, ‘So where’s Stuart gone for his stag do?’

  ‘Manchester,’ Amanda replied. ‘There’s a big group of them and they’ve booked a hotel. I think the plan is to go to a casino, so I hope he doesn’t gamble all of our honeymoon money away! Then they’re going to a club or something. Probably a strip club, knowing Matt – his best man,’ Amanda explained, as they made their way down the grand staircase. They walked past the main dining room, where the staff were clearing away from lunch, and followed signs to the fitness centre.

  ‘A strip club? Doesn’t that bother you?’ Sarah looked horrified.

  ‘It could be worse,’ Amanda shrugged. ‘I trust Stuart, and it’s his one last hurrah, so to speak. Besides, he’ll probably be so legless by then that he wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway. He’ll be seeing double.’

  ‘Could be a good thing – you’ll get twice as much for your money,’ Lisa quipped, overhearing their conversation.

  ‘I’d cut my Mark’s balls off if he went near a place like that,’ Jo commented with feeling. ‘I just don’t see that there’s any need for it.’

  ‘I agree,’ Amanda nodded. ‘And what about the poor women who work there? It’s just degrading for them.’

  ‘They’re making good money,’ Lisa protested. ‘A damn sight better than waitressing for minimum wage. And all you have to do is shake your boobs at some drunken lads on a stag do. Brenda would be good at that, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘What’s that?’ Brenda shouted. She was at the back of the group, huffing and puffing as she wobbled along the corridor.

  ‘I was just saying – you missed your calling as a stripper. People pay good money to see a pair of bazookas like that.’

  ‘Maybe I’ll take it up in a few years time. When I’ve retired and I’m trying to live on my measly pension. I’ll do a couple of nights a week at the Working Men’s Club!’ Brenda finished, with a shimmy of her shoulders that set everything off bouncing once again.

  They were all laughing as they walked into the yoga studio, but what they saw made them quickly fall quiet and start nudging each other excitedly.

  The studio itself was freshly painted and minimalist in design, with a shiny hardwood floor and white walls on three sides. The fourth side consisted of huge full-length windows, looking out over the stunning scenery of the Peak District.

  But it wasn’t any of this that had caused a stir amongst the women. A man was standing in front of the windows, facing away from the door, with his hands clasped behind his back. He appeared to be staring thoughtfully at the view, deep in concentration, and even though the women couldn’t see his face, they could tell that he was hot! He was wearing loose cotton yoga trousers and a white vest top, while his feet were bare. His arms were toned and sinewy, his skin tanned, and his dark wavy hair was tied back in a ponytail.

  The silence was fast becoming awkward. Auntie Brenda loudly cleared her throat, and the man turned round with a beaming smile that showed off his dazzling white teeth.

  ‘Ladies,’ he began, in a smooth, foreign accent. ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

  None of them could speak. Lisa attempted to say hello, but only a small squeak came out. The man’s white trousers were decidedly see-through, and it was quite clear that he wasn’t wearing underwear. Amanda began to giggle, as Shelli turned bright red. Jo simply stood there, open-mouthed, as Sarah shook her head disapprovingly. All of them stood frozen in the doorway, none of them knowing where to look.

  ‘Please,’ he said, bringing his hands together like in prayer, ‘enter my studio. Do not be afraid. My name is Ricardo,’ he introduced himself, in a strong South American accent. ‘And I am a practitioner of Ashtanga yoga. What are your names?’

  The women introduced themselves, blushing fiercely and nudging each other like schoolgirls as Ricardo repeated each of their names, rolling the sounds around on his tongue. ‘Amaaaaanda! Saraaaahh! And have any of you taken a yoga class before?’ he asked, his dark eyes darting over each of them.

  ‘I sometimes do DVDs at home,’ Shelli admitted, holding up her hand.

  ‘Very good. Yes, you are young, you are supple. I can see that,’ Ricardo nodded wisely.

  ‘I’ve been taking classes for about three years,’ Sarah told him. ‘Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of Bikram.’

  ‘Mmm, Bikram,’ Ricardo growled, moving towards her. ‘It’s verrrry hot. Yes, I can see that you are verrrry experienced.’ He came to stand right beside her, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. ‘I can smell your chi,’ he whispered dramatically.

  ‘Sorry, I think that might have been me,’ Auntie Brenda apologised. ‘I’m very nervous.’

  Ricardo’s lip curled for a second, before he swiftly moved away towards a pile of mats stashed in the corner. ‘Everyone please take a mat, then find some space and lie down. Now,’ he began, in a low murmur, ‘relaaaax. Let go of all the tension and stress you are holding in your body, and just breathe. Let the air flow in through your nose, and out through your nose. This, we call the Ujjayi breathing. The fiiiiire breath,’ Ricardo continued. ‘Feel the fire, ladies. Feel the fire in your bodies.’

  Amanda kept her eyes closed and bit down on her lip to stop herself from laughing. She could hear Lisa sniggering beside her, and tried to concentrate on what Ricardo was saying.

  ‘You are like a furnace, heating up, up, up. Wooooh, you are en fuego! Is it just me, or is it hot in here?’ Ricardo demanded.

  ‘Perhaps you’re menopausal, duck,’ Auntie Brenda suggested. ‘I get hot flushes too.’

  Amanda giggled, opening her eyes and pushing herself up onto her elbows just in time to see Ricardo pull off his top and throw it carelessly into the corner, revealing a ridiculously toned body with a six … no, an eight pack, Amanda realised, as she counted once more.

  ‘Lisa,’ she hissed frantically, trying to get her attention.

  Lisa’s eyes popped open and almost popped out when she saw what Amanda was looking at. ‘Hubba, hubba. Come to mama!’ she drooled.

  ‘Now, we’re going to try some of my faaaavourite positions,’ Ricardo told them.

  ‘I bet we are, you dirty so and so,’ Lisa muttered under her breath.

  Auntie Brenda got slowly to her feet, smiling broadly. ‘This yoga lark’s easy, isn’t it? Lying down and breathing? I’m a natural at it!’ Then her gaze fell on Ricardo, and her mouth dropped open. ‘What happened to the man’s clothes? Do we all have to go topless?’

  ‘You can keep your clothes on, Auntie Brenda,’ Amanda told her hastily.

  ‘First, we do a salutation to the sun,’ Ricardo announced. ‘We say hello sun, thank you for giving us life, thank you for giving us warmth.’

  ‘Hello sun,’ Brenda called out happily.

  ‘So we all reach up to the ceiling, like this … And then we bend from the waist … Bend bend bend,’ he encouraged them all.

  ‘I think this is as far as I go,’ Jo said worriedly, her hands dangling by her calves.

  ‘No, no, you can go deeper,’ Ricardo assured her. ‘Muuuuch deeper. Do it with me.’ He came up behind her, pressing his body against hers and bending right over.

  Jo’s eyes wide
ned in shock.

  ‘Do you feel it?’ Ricardo demanded.

  ‘Oh, I feel it,’ Jo nodded vigorously.

  ‘Good girl,’ Ricardo praised her, as he straightened up and walked away. ‘It’s all about those extra few inches.’

  Jo turned her head to look at the rest of the women. ‘I think I just got pregnant!’ she mouthed, as everyone apart from Sarah collapsed into laughter.

  ‘And onto the next,’ Ricardo continued, running smoothly through a series of poses. ‘That’s it …’ he nodded, looking pleased. ‘Legs a little wider …’

  ‘I bet you say that to all the girls,’ Lisa couldn’t resist adding.

  When the class drew to a close an hour later, with one final stretch and hands brought to rest in the prayer position, the women were hot, sweaty and panting – and it wasn’t just because of the yoga.

  They filed out of the studio, giddy with excitement.

  ‘Did you see the way he held my hand to help me balance during the tree pose?’ Shelli sighed. ‘His eyes were so mesmerising, I couldn’t stop gazing at them.’

  ‘He had me in positions I’ve never been in before,’ marvelled Brenda. ‘I feel quite overcome!’

  ‘It was like watching porn when you were doing that shoulder stand and he was straddling you,’ Lisa told Amanda. ‘Stuart would not have been happy if he’d seen that.’

  ‘What did I say before? One last hurrah,’ smirked Amanda, her eyes twinkling naughtily.

  ‘Well I personally feel violated,’ Sarah insisted. ‘That horrible little man, sliming all over me.’

  ‘Oh, come off it Sarah, he was gorgeous!’ Lisa protested.

  ‘I just don’t see it.’

  ‘Whatever you say. I mean, tanned, fit body, smouldering eyes and sexy as hell – what is there to see in that? Not to mention his enormous—’

  ‘Yes, we could all see that through those white trousers,’ cut in Jo, as everyone sniggered. ‘I thought it was going to knock me out when I was doing that cat pose on all fours.’

  ‘He did pay a lot of attention to Sarah though,’ Shelli mused. ‘He definitely took a shine to her.’