The Perfect Escape

by Claudia Carroll

  ‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous,’ Sarah retorted dismissively, flicking her ponytail over her shoulder.

  ‘Do you have a boyfriend, Sarah?’ asked Jo, as Sarah shook her head.

  ‘Sarah’s too busy for love,’ Amanda teased her. ‘Too focused on her career. It was always the same at uni – men were always asking her out, and she was never interested. Too busy studying.’

  ‘Hey, don’t make me sound like a nerd,’ Sarah protested. ‘I did go out as well!’

  ‘You should make the most of it while you’re young,’ Auntie Brenda advised sagely. ‘The men don’t come chasing forever.’

  ‘I’m sure they make an exception for you, Auntie Brenda,’ Amanda smiled.

  Suddenly Shelli let out a gasp, making them all jump. ‘Oh no!’

  ‘What is it?’ Amanda asked, sounding panicked.

  ‘The schedule!’ Shelli exclaimed. ‘We’re running twenty minutes behind. Quick, or else we’ll be late for our massages!’

  *

  The girls had been pampered, plucked and primped, buffed and beautified. After the world’s most blissful massage, they’d spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around the swimming pool, gossiping and giggling, before a waiter arrived to serve them champagne and strawberries as they lounged in the jacuzzi.

  Following a divine meal in the hotel’s award-winning restaurant, Shelli had scheduled in a short nap time for everyone, but what actually happened was that they all found their way into Amanda’s room for more girlie chat, whilst Shelli curled up on the four-poster and promptly went to sleep, like a loyal cat at the bottom of the bed. Lisa had smuggled in a bottle of tequila, and Shelli awoke to find the others taking turns to do tequila shots from the tooth mug.

  Now they were heading to the swish hotel bar, sashaying down the grand staircase like Charlie’s Angels. Lisa was wearing a fitted red dress, which clashed gloriously with her hair, while Jo had gone for a rock-chick look in fake-leather leggings and a sparkly top. Sarah looked incredible in a slinky white number, Shelli was wearing a silver sequin dress with – of course – pink glitter heels, and Auntie Brenda was wearing an alarming kaftan-type creation in dazzling shades of violet and lime green. Amanda herself was in a killer LBD, her blonde hair styled in soft waves left loose over her shoulders. She’d managed to persuade Shelli not to make them wear the fairy wings, but that didn’t stop her cousin presenting her with an enormous ‘Bride to Be’ badge, which lit up with flashing LED lights.

  ‘There, that’s better,’ Lisa exclaimed gleefully, as she took it from Shelli and pinned it right in the middle of Amanda’s chest, covering up her cleavage. ‘It’s what Stuart would have wanted.’

  ‘Spoilsport,’ Amanda giggled, sticking out her tongue.

  ‘Come on ladies, let’s get the drinks in,’ Jo chided them, pushing her way through to the bar. ‘What shall we start with?’

  ‘Start?’ repeated Amanda. ‘I’ve already had cava, champagne, several tequila shots, and copious amounts of wine with my dinner.’

  ‘Hmm, that’s true,’ Jo said thoughtfully. ‘We’d better move straight onto cocktails.’

  ‘I’ll go grab a table,’ offered Shelli. ‘Are you coming Brenda?’

  The pair of them headed off to claim a large, empty table at the far end of the bar, which Amanda was secretly grateful for. Tonight was likely to get raucous, and she didn’t want to disturb the other guests.

  ‘Well, this is certainly fancier than Wetherspoons,’ Jo commented approvingly, as she carried over a tray of raspberry mojitos.

  ‘Thanks so much for coming everyone,’ Amanda told them, starting to well up once again.

  ‘No, don’t cry, I’ve only just done your make-up,’ Lisa protested.

  ‘Can you believe that in three weeks time, you’ll be married?’ Shelli squealed.

  ‘No more Mandy Miller,’ Lisa sighed sadly.

  ‘Good,’ Auntie Brenda said decisively. ‘I always thought that sounded like the name of a Page Three girl.’

  Amanda giggled. ‘But you’re the only one that calls me Mandy,’ she told Lisa.

  ‘Everyone else at school did too! But then you grew up and became Amanda.’

  ‘Nah, I’ll never grow up,’ Amanda insisted.

  ‘So are you taking Stuart’s name?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘I haven’t decided yet,’ Amanda admitted guiltily.

  ‘Why ever not?’ Brenda looked outraged.

  ‘Well, his surname’s Prentice, isn’t it?’ Amanda explained. ‘So I’ll be A. Prentice. Apprentice, geddit?’

  ‘Oh, I hadn’t thought of that!’ Shelli began to giggle, the mojitos obviously hitting her quicker than she’d expected.

  ‘You could double-barrel it,’ suggested Jo.

  ‘Prentice-Miller? Miller-Prentice?’ Amanda pulled a face. ‘Neither of them sound right.’

  ‘I don’t think I’d take my husband’s name, if I ever got married,’ mused Sarah. ‘I feel like my name’s so much a part of my identity, I wouldn’t feel right with another.’

  ‘What type of men do you go for, Sarah?’ asked Jo, trying to make conversation. She couldn’t quite work Sarah out – she was very different to all of Amanda’s other friends – but as they were sharing a room, she thought she’d better make an effort.

  Sarah thought for a moment. ‘I like dark-haired men. Sporty types are always good, as they take care of themselves. And I’m quite attracted to foreign men – you know, someone who can open your eyes to a different world.’

  ‘Sounds like Ricardo’s perfect for you,’ Jo couldn’t resist saying.

  Sarah looked appalled. ‘Urgh, not that horrible man,’ she shuddered.

  ‘Come off it, he was gorgeous,’ Lisa insisted loudly, her words beginning to slur.

  ‘Yes, well …’ Sarah finished her drink and stood up quickly. ‘Anyone for another round? How about we go for Cosmopolitans this time?’

  When she returned, Shelli clapped her hands together in excitement. ‘I know! Let’s play some drinking games.’

  Amanda opened her mouth to protest, but she was drowned out by the others.

  ‘It’s your hen night,’ Lisa told her firmly. ‘It’s our duty as friends to get you roaring drunk.’

  ‘I think I’m already there,’ Amanda groaned, taking another swig of her Cosmo, regardless.

  ‘Let’s start with “I Have Never”’ suggested Jo. ‘Everyone says something that someone else might have done, and if you have done it then you have to drink. For example, I might say “I have never kissed a guy” and then if you have kissed someone, you’d have to drink.’

  ‘Okay then, let’s start with that one. I’m gagging for a drink,’ Lisa grinned. ‘I have never kissed a guy.’

  Everyone took a sip of their Cosmo.

  ‘Bor-ing,’ giggled Amanda. ‘These need to be much more exciting.’

  ‘Okay, you go next,’ offered Lisa. ‘What’s your suggestion?’

  ‘Um …’ Amanda thought about it. ‘I have never had sex outside.’

  Everyone drank, apart from Shelli and Sarah.

  ‘Your turn,’ said Amanda, pointing her straw at Sarah.

  ‘Me? Oh, er … I have never … been skinnydipping,’ she finished triumphantly.

  Brenda, Lisa and Jo all drank.

  ‘Girls’ holiday, Kavos,’ Jo admitted, as she took a slug of her cocktail.

  ‘Maybe we should all try it in the hotel pool tonight!’ Shelli screeched excitedly, her eyes rolling in her head.

  ‘Or not,’ Amanda replied succinctly. ‘Ooh, I’ve got another one. I have never walked in on anybody having sex,’ she announced, taking a large slug of her drink.

  ‘You walked in on me!’ Lisa remembered, bursting into laughter. ‘I was eighteen, with Gary Marshall.’

  ‘I know. Scarred me for life.’

  ‘I have never had a pregnancy scare,’ chimed in Jo.

  This time, everyone drank.

  ‘Shelli!’ Amanda squealed. ‘Wait until I tell your mum.’


  ‘No, it wasn’t like that,’ Shelli protested. ‘It was in primary school,’ she went on, as everyone looked at her, horrified. ‘Someone told me if you sat on the toilet seat after a boy had been, you got pregnant. I worried for weeks about that,’ she admitted, as the others burst into relieved laughter.

  ‘You know,’ Amanda leaned across to whisper to Lisa, ‘Auntie Brenda’s had a drink for every single one of these. She must have been really wild when she was younger.’

  ‘We need something outrageous,’ Lisa said thoughtfully, before yelling, ‘I have never had a threesome.’

  A couple of people at the bar turned round to stare at this announcement, but Amanda was more concerned by the way Auntie Brenda casually sipped her cocktail.

  ‘Auntie Brenda!’ she burst out.

  ‘What?’ Brenda replied, her face the picture of innocence.

  ‘You’ve had a threesome? Does Uncle Graham know? Or was he …?’ Amanda trailed off, horrified at the images flitting across her mind.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Brenda asked in confusion. ‘I didn’t understand the rules to be honest, so I haven’t been listening. I’m just enjoying my drink. Shall I get us all another?’ she asked, as she drained her Cosmopolitan. ‘I’ll get everyone a Dirty Martini. I fancy something dirty,’ she chuckled, as she hauled herself unsteadily to her feet and set off towards the bar.

  ‘I’d better go with her,’ Shelli said worriedly, getting up and following her.

  ‘I didn’t know you’d had sex outdoors,’ Amanda turned accusingly to Lisa.

  ‘Well, in a car,’ she admitted. ‘That counts doesn’t it? It was with Martin Johnson, when we—’

  But her words were cut off as Shelli came flying back over, wobbling precariously on her pink glitter heels.

  ‘Guess who’s here? Ricardo!’ she announced, before any of them had chance to speak. ‘He’s helping Brenda carry the drinks, and he’s coming over.’

  ‘Oh no,’ sighed Sarah, but no one paid any attention as they were too busy smoothing their hair and adjusting their dresses, casually tugging the front lower to show an extra hint of cleavage.

  ‘Ladies,’ he smiled, showing those oh-so-white teeth once again, before kissing each of their hands in turn. ‘How are you all? I hope I did not wear you out during our earlier session?’

  ‘Oh no, we enjoyed it,’ Brenda simpered.

  ‘I am very pleased to hear. And are you liking the hotel? You are having a good night?’

  ‘We were until you came over,’ Sarah muttered rudely under her breath.

  ‘Sarah!’ Amanda exclaimed. Everyone was staring at her in shock.

  Ricardo let out a heavy sigh. ‘No, it is okay, I understand. You are here together and I am intruding. I beg forgiveness,’ he said, bringing his hands together in his usual gesture of prayer. ‘I will go. Have a lovely night, ladies.’

  And with that, he slunk off to sit alone at a table on the opposite side of the bar.

  ‘I can’t believe you said that,’ Jo exclaimed, turning on Sarah.

  ‘Well, it’s Amanda’s hen party,’ she replied defensively. ‘It should be about her, not about that …’ she paused, as though trying to think of an insult. ‘… Man,’ she finished lamely.

  ‘Way to kill the mood,’ Lisa muttered, drunk enough to have stopped caring whether or not she offended anyone.

  An awkward silence fell over the table, the atmosphere tense.

  ‘How about a game of Truth or Dare?’ Shelli suggested brightly.

  ‘Okay,’ Jo agreed, keen to get everyone back in the party mood. ‘I’ll have a dare.’

  ‘I’m going to the Ladies,’ Sarah announced, as she got to her feet and walked off.

  The others watched her. ‘Do you I think I should go after her?’ Amanda asked uncomfortably.

  ‘She’ll be fine,’ Lisa said shortly. ‘Now, Jo, I dare you to take your bra off without removing your dress, then walk up to the barman, hand it over to him, and say “Happy Birthday”.’

  Everyone burst out laughing, the good mood well on its way to being restored, as Jo began to wrestle under her dress, turning red in the face as she strained to unhook her bra.

  As she waved the black lacy number gleefully in the air, the others watched in amazement as she ran over to the bar, presenting it to the best-looking barman.

  ‘Happy Birthday,’ Jo told him, as a group of old men sat on barstools let out a cheer.

  ‘What would you like to drink? On the house?’ the barman asked, and she returned in triumph with a free Tequila Sunrise.

  ‘Right, who’s next?’ asked Shelli.

  But Amanda shook her head. ‘I’m still worried about Sarah,’ she admitted. ‘I hope she’s okay.’

  ‘I’ll go check on her,’ Lisa told her. ‘Wait here.’

  But she came back a couple of minutes later, looking just as concerned as Amanda. ‘She’s not in the toilets,’ Lisa panted breathlessly. ‘I checked there, and in reception.’

  ‘Do you think she might have gone back to the room?’ suggested Brenda.

  ‘I’ve got my key – let’s go check,’ Jo said firmly, as they all abandoned their drinks and raced towards the main staircase, with Brenda puffing along behind.

  ‘I hope she’s okay,’ Amanda repeated, biting her lip nervously as they came to a halt outside room 303.

  ‘Sssh,’ Jo whispered, putting a finger to her lips. ‘I think I can hear crying.’

  Everyone fell quiet as they gathered to listen, five sets of ears pressed up against the door.

  ‘She sounds really upset,’ Lisa commented. ‘It sounds like wailing or something.’

  ‘We’d better go in,’ Amanda said urgently, as Jo whipped out her key card and the door flew open.

  ‘Sarah!’ Amanda exclaimed.

  ‘Oh my God!’

  ‘What the …’

  There were cries of disbelief from the women as they saw the scene inside the room.

  ‘Ricardo!’ Shelli squeaked, as she finally poked her head between Amanda and Lisa, and saw what the others had seen. There, on the bed in front of them, lay a half-naked Sarah and Ricardo, their bodies entwined in some complicated yoga position.

  ‘At least someone’s getting some use out of the Intimacy Kit,’ Brenda murmured wryly.

  Sarah looked mortified, quickly covering herself with the duvet.

  ‘B … but I thought you didn’t like him,’ Amanda stammered in confusion.

  ‘Not like me?’ Ricardo demanded, looking hurt. ‘But she loves me. She is crazy about me, and I am crazy about her.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Amanda said, looking thoroughly confused. ‘What on earth’s going on?’

  ‘I knew as soon as I smelled her chi that she was right for me,’ Ricardo sighed happily. ‘And I was right. We are highly compatible, destined to be together.’

  ‘I’m still clueless,’ said Auntie Brenda, shaking her head.

  ‘I felt bad about what I said to Ricardo downstairs,’ Sarah began awkwardly. ‘So I went over and apologised and we just … clicked. I don’t know what I was doing, but I invited him up here and—’

  ‘—And I am crazy about her,’ Ricardo interrupted. ‘Ever since she walked into my studio, I have not been able to stop thinking about her. Oh, I tried to be professional, but I could not take my eyes off her.’

  ‘But you were so nasty to him!’ Lisa burst out.

  ‘I was in denial,’ Sarah sighed, gazing into Ricardo’s eyes as she stroked his cheek. ‘You know what I’m like, Amanda – career first. I’ve always been like that. And the feelings between us were so strong … I just wanted them to go away. But then when I saw him again downstairs …’ Sarah trailed off, a beaming grin on her face. Amanda had never seen her looking so happy, and it was impossible to be angry at her when she was clearly so delighted.

  ‘I am going to marry this woman,’ Ricardo declared, smiling round at everyone. ‘And you must all come to the wedding.’

  ‘But
if you get married, you know what that means, don’t you?’ Shelli realised.

  Sarah frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘Another hen weekend,’ Shelli declared in excitement.

  ‘Oh no,’ Lisa was shaking her head. ‘I can’t take another weekend like this one.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Amanda cried, her eyes shining as she looked at her friends and family, and at Sarah and Ricardo cuddled up together on the bed. They might be crazy, unconventional and just a little bit bonkers, but they were all there for her, and she loved them for it. ‘This has been the best hen weekend ever,’ she declared happily. ‘I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.’

  Unless you’ve been living like a hermit in a remote cave on the moon for the past year, you’ve probably heard of a book called Fifty Shades of Grey. You could be one of the estimated 70 million people on the planet who’ve read it. You might have loved it, you might have hated it, but the chances are you’ll have discussed the book (and its very steamy contents!) with your partner/friends/neighbours/work colleagues/strange man in the pub who started an inappropriate conversation with you. Maybe it inspired you to experiment with some fluffy handcuffs from Ann Summers, who knows? I’m not here to judge you. I just hope you put the key in a safe place.

  Without a doubt, Fifty Shades of Grey had a massive impact on the way we think and talk about sex, and that’s where the idea for my new novel, The Naughty Girls Book Club came from. It’s about a group of women (and one man – can’t forget Reggie!) who join an erotic reading group, and the effect the books have on their own lives as they’re pushed out of their comfort zone and given a confidence boost both in and out of the bedroom.

  When I was asked to write this short story, I knew I wanted to include my favourite elements of The Naughty Girls Book Club – strong female friendships between different generations of women, with fun, gossip and, of course, naughtiness! I thought about a setting which would combine all of these things and the obvious answer had to be a hen party. Where better for a varied group of women to bond, get a little tipsy, and have a good old natter about some of our favourite topics – men and sex?

  The Naughty Girls Hen Weekend is a little bit of summer fun, and I really hope you enjoy it.