The Knowers (The Exiled Trilogy)

by Merry Brown

  Chapter Five: Katie’s House

  “Here you go. Thanks for inviting me. It was fun,” I said half wanting her to invite me in and also hoping she wouldn’t.

  “Why don’t you come inside? My mom’s out for the night. She won’t be home for hours. Maybe we could watch a movie or something,” she said with a smile. I didn’t have to think too hard to know what kind of something she had in mind.

  “Sure,” was the only brilliant thing I could think to say. I was nervous and wished I wasn’t.

  Katie and her mom lived in a townhouse built in the 70’s. They didn’t have much money, but they weren’t poor. I’d been to her house a couple of times. She hated having people over because she was embarrassed by the semi-broken down condition of the furniture and the place in general.

  The first time she had me over she worried I wouldn’t like her as much anymore when I saw the way she lived. She took me on a tour and pointed out the stains on the brown carpet, the totally dated kitchen, her bed on rails and not a proper bed.

  As she went on about the peeling paint and water-stains on the popcorn ceiling, I only saw the pictures of her and her mom in every room; on vacations at the beach, Disneyland, family reunions. They looked like sisters, almost, but definitely best friends. I was jealous. She was the rich one.

  She took my hand and led me through the front door and to the living room couch. I sat on the end. She scooted closer to me and raised my hand to lightly kiss it.

  I knew what was coming.

  Dropping my hand, she held my eyes in hers. She tucked her legs under as she pulled herself up to meet my face. As she leaned in to kiss me my mind was going a million miles a minute. Did I want this? What was I doing? I needed to think, but that was impossible with her basically sitting on my lap, her soft lips on mine and smelling incredibly sweet.

  I slowly pulled away.

  “Uh, I think I need a minute. Where’s your bathroom?” I asked a bit breathless.

  “Down the hall and to the left.”

  As I got up and walked down the hall she called out, “Don’t be too long.”

  I half ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I slapped cold water on my face and took a long look in the mirror.

  What was I going to do? I knew what would happen if I let it. Didn’t I want to be with Katie?

  What’s my problem? Most guys – okay just about every guy – would jump at the chance to be with Katie. She’s so hot and . . . willing. I’m a senior for crying out loud! Probably the last senior who hasn’t slept with a girl.

  At least I’m still a virgin on my own terms. My father has had girls lined up for me since I was 13. No way. I know others have been interested in me, but I haven’t found someone I wanted to be with. All my friends say it’s not that big of a deal, just get it over with. I laugh it off, but it is a big deal, at least it is to me.

  Why not with Katie? Why not right now? I could see her sitting on the couch, her too tight leather pants hugging her gorgeous legs. The kiss she just gave me, so warm and inviting. She wants me. She wants me now. I want her too.

  I was decided, but as I opened the door to what may be the best night of my life… what about tomorrow? Ugh! Why do I always over analyze things?

  Too late, I was already thinking.

  If I have sex with Katie now, what will happen to our friendship? What will she expect? What will I expect? My body tried to reason with my mind, telling the morning to butt-out, leave me to tonight. I’ll figure it all out later.

  But my mind, my heart really, would not be silenced. The issue that seemed to rise and press most heavily was not about Katie and me at all, but Lizzy. What would this mean for my friendship with Lizzy?

  Katie vs. Lizzy

  Katie is sexier than Lizzy, thinner than Lizzy, is stacked, has lips like cherries. But Lizzy is kinder, not the gossip that Katie is. And honestly, Katie is easy, Lizzy is not.

  Katie is fun to be around, but she is unsure of herself, unsure of her own worth. I know that’s why she’s willing to be with me tonight. I know she doesn’t love me. She knows I don’t love her.

  Lizzy is also fun but has confidence to spare. There is no way I would ever think of touching her or even making an off-color joke around her because she is so good. Not good in an “I am holier than thou” way. But good in a goodness way. She literally radiates goodness, as I felt firsthand at Sue’s party.

  It was settled. I would say no to Katie, which was not going to be easy. Not easy for me because blood was driving through my veins like a runaway freight train. Not easy for either of us because I would hurt her, reject her.

  This really sucks.

  As I walked back to the living room I noticed immediately the shift in the atmosphere. While I’d been arguing with myself in the bathroom, Katie had been fast at work, making the room inviting.

  She was waiting for me on the couch facing the fireplace, candles burning on the mantle, The Swell Season on the stereo. She reached up for my hand and pulled me to the couch. Saying no to her in theory seemed kinda hard, but in person? This was going to be impossible.

  “Now where were we,” she purred as I sat beside her. She scooted closer. She slowly and delicately took her hands and placed them on either side of my face as she wrapped her knees under her to be at eye level.

  “That’s right, I remember,” she said as her lips skimmed the surface of my neck and up to meet my lips.

  If I was going to say no it was now or never. What harm would it really do? I knew what I really wanted to do. In this moment at least. In this moment, but not the next.

  I gently pulled my head back, took her hands in mine and placed them in her lap.

  At first she was just confused, but as I got up and moved to lean against the doorway, understanding filled her face.

  Shock, then confusion, then the tears. She didn’t say a word for the longest 10 minutes of my life.

  I walked back to the couch, putting my hand on her back and whispered, “Sorry.”

  She looked up; face red and blotchy, make-up smeared, and chocked-out the all-too-good question, “Why?”

  What was I to say? I could barely explain my actions to myself. She knew I wasn’t dating anyone. She knew she was gorgeous. We were friends who would barely see much of each other anymore because I was at the new school. We were seniors. We were alone. Why not?

  “I’m sorry Katie. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

  “Don’t you like me?” she sobbed.

  “You know I do.”

  “So, what, you’re not attracted to me? Is that it?” she said with a hint of a smile.

  “No, that’s not it either.”

  “So what then? What’s the problem?” Tears still running down her face.

  “It’s hard to explain. You’re such a good friend and I don’t want that to change. I know if we are together things will change and if they don’t change, then there’s something wrong with us. I know you probably think I’m like all the guys you know with a ‘one-track mind.’ That’s kind of true, honestly. But that doesn’t change the fact that I only want to be physical with someone I’m in love with. I love you Katie, but just as a friend. I think that’s how you feel about me too.”

  Silence. Stunned. I stunned Katie, the girl who is never at a loss for words.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” she said sitting up more, turning her body to face mine. “You’re not still a virgin?”

  I hated that question. It made it sound like I had a disease, that there was something wrong with me. I saw what happened when people slept around without love: heartbreak, along with STD’s and fatherhood to boot. I realize how backwards it sounds to others, but I’ve never been ashamed to be a virgin and never pretended to be otherwise.

  “Well, I’ve never been in love. You know that. So you also know the answer to your own question.”

  I was braced for the laughs, the incredulous looks she would give me and the gossip she might – change that to would – spread
tomorrow.

  I was ready for the scoffing. I wasn’t ready for more tears.

  More tears than before. How could one person cry so much and not become dehydrated?

  Why was she crying? This seemed like such an irrational response to my “condition.” She was really going for it now, like she had been pierced through the heart. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I looked around the room and saw a box of Kleenex on an end table. I handed her the box and waited some more.

  She finally looked up at me. Her face was filled with anguish. Not your average run-of-the-mill teenage tantrum look, but a look that betrayed a severe hurt.

  “What’s wrong Katie?” I whispered when her tears began to dry up.

  “It’s just that I wish I could say the same. You know I’m not a virgin. I know what they say about me. Most of it’s not true… most of it. I wish I had waited until I found true love. I wish I hadn’t given myself away. I’m not sure why I did. No, that’s not true. I thought if I did, then I would be loved, loveable. It hasn’t worked out that way for me. And now, well, I feel there’s no going back.”

  I didn’t know what to say. After a while she continued.

  “Last night I went out with a bunch of friends, girl’s night out. Hannah was there.”

  I interrupted. “How did you manage to pry Michael and Hannah apart on a Friday night?”

  “It wasn’t easy. Anyway, Jan was there – of course – and so were Keely and Elizabeth.”

  That immediately peeked my interest. “What did you guys do?”

  “We were going to see a movie, but lost track of time and got to the show too late. We ended up at the coffee shop and talked about boys for hours. Actually, we didn’t just talk about boys, we talked about sex.”

  Uncomfortable. I hardly ever seriously talked to my friends about girls, and even less about sex.

  Katie went on, tears in her eyes again. “I just assumed everyone else had done it. And it turns out I’m the only one!” More tears.

  “You know what Lizzy said? She told me that I was beautiful and good not because of what I do but because of what I am. She said my worth doesn’t lie in how others view me. We’re not objects, around for the pleasure of men. I am a person with feelings and desires and dreams. I’m not any less of a person, she said, because of the bad choices I’ve made in the past. The past is the past, and I cannot undo it. But I can choose what I do with my future.” She sat back down, crossing her legs.

  “But what do I choose to do the night after this revelation? Seduce my unseduceable friend!” she said with a short laugh. “Don’t worry. I think I’m done with the tears. I’m just so mad at myself. Why do I think my self-worth comes from a guy wanting to be with me?”

  “All I can say, Katie, is I think you’re great, and a lot of fun. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

  “No, no, I’m glad you said no. I’d only hate you and me in the morning if you hadn’t. I’m really trying to rethink what sex is and who I am. I know Hannah has been struggling with this. Since she and Michael have been together for so long, I just assumed they were sleeping together. What started our whole conversation last night was her confession that she was going to give in after the homecoming dance.”

  I knew that’s what Michael had in mind. It made my mind wonder if they were doing what we weren’t right now.

  Katie knew what I was thinking and starting shaking her head. “I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. We could all tell Hannah didn’t really want to sleep with him, but they’d been together so long she felt he was growing impatient. She doesn’t want to lose him. This made a lot of sense to me, but Lizzy disagreed. She asked Hannah whether or not she thought Michael loved her. If he does love her, then he’ll wait. When you love, she said, you act for the good of the ‘beloved’ – her word. Lust, on the other hand, just wants pleasure for the self, without regard for the other. So you see, if Michael really loves Hannah, he won’t ever pressure her, ever. If he just wants to sleep with her, even though it will hurt her because she’s not ready, then he doesn’t love her and she is right not to sleep with him!”

  Wow. I’d have to give this some thought. I wondered what Michael thought about all this too.

  Love. Lust. Yes, it’s clear they’re different. But my real question was, who in the world is Lizzy?

  “What do you think about that Will? Given your… background, I’m surprised you think sex is a big deal, only for those who are in love.”

  “Well, honestly, that’s probably why. I mean, I’ve seen my father with lots of gorgeous women and I know what he’s doing with them. He doesn’t love them and they probably don’t even like him. My father is cold, a shell of a person, and I think it’s because he has no idea what love is anymore. He treats women like they are objects, just like Lizzy said. I don’t want to be like him. I have to fight each and every day I live there to not be like him. I know if I start using people, using girls, I’ll start down that path.”

  “I don’t really know what love is,” Katie admitted.

  “I knew it once, before the accident. I loved my parents, my brother and sister. I know I was only 10 when everything fell apart, but I know what we had together and it was powerful. The sense of belonging and security. Maybe that’s why being around him now is horrible. I remember how he used to be. For the longest time I thought he’d come back, snap out of it. It’s been almost eight years, and not once have I seen a glimpse of my dad.

  “That man I live with, I really have no idea who he is. I just can’t wait to be free from him. I want to live my life, which means I want to love. And I know sex is not the same as love, but sex without love changes a person, and not for the better.”

  “Have you been hanging out with Lizzy?” She asked with wonder in her voice.

  What did she mean by that? Had Lizzy been asking about me? Hope seemed to come from nowhere and fill my chest.

  “At school. Why?” I asked, trying to hide my shock.

  “You two sound alike. I wish I would’ve thought about this stuff two years ago, before I met Todd. I think I’m looking to be loved. I mean, my mom loves me, but I know she’s looking for love too. That’s probably why she’s out right now, 1 a.m., and not at home. Guess I’m following in her footsteps. And where has this left her? Alone and lonely.”

  “We’re both pretty messed up.”

  “Yah,” she said, shaking her head. “Well, thanks for tonight. For everything. You really are a good friend. Thanks for really caring about me.”

  “No problem. I know you’ll find someone who loves you. You really are great Katie. You’ve got a lot to offer. Just wait until you find someone who wants to give to you, not just take.”

  “I’ll try,” she said, deep in thought.

  We sat side-by-side on the couch, listening to the CD in the dim light, not saying a word.

  When the music ended I decided it was time to go. I got up and left Katie sitting on the couch, arms wrapped around her knees, looking ready to cry herself to sleep.

  “And thanks again Will. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight,” I said as I let myself out.

  When I got home with the semi-stolen limo, I was ready for my dad’s reaction. But who knew? He was very unpredictable. I was ready for yelling or smiles from him but, instead I walked into a pitch-black house. He was either asleep or still out.

  He hadn’t concerned himself with my petty thievery. Maybe he didn’t even know I’d taken the limo.

  He knew. He knew everything I did, somehow.

  His lack of care and concern hit me hard. I thought I was past caring. How could one person possibly be more disappointed in another?

  Chapter Six: Camping

  Lizzy was sitting in our spot when I walked into senior seminar. All week we were watching a PBS series on National Parks in preparation for the most probably canceled first of the senior camping trips. I’d already seen it. Apparently Lizzy had too.

  Before the series began Ms. Stewar
t, the principal, came on stage to address us.

  “As you are all aware, the first senior camping trip is to take place this weekend at Big Bear. At first we thought we were going to have to cancel the trip due to lack of funds, but due to a generous donation from a father of one of our very own students, the camping trip is a go. A big thank you to Mr. Darby!”

  The auditorium broke out in applause and shouts of joy. Just about everyone turned around to smile and wave at me.

  There was no escape. I was use to the embarrassment that goes along with having an extravagant father. No one knows him like I do. The only reason he gives money, these days anyway, is if he thinks it’s to his advantage. He literally cares for no one but himself. I have witnessed his cruelty too often to deny this simple fact about my father.

  “Wow,” the guy in the row in front of us strained around to hi-five me, “your dad rocks! I’m stoked the trip is back on!”

  I just smiled and tried to hold back the venom in my heart from leaking to my face.

  Lizzy turned to me, knowing I was in distress and said, “It really was kind of him Will.”

  How could I explain? Anything I said would make me sound like a spoiled rotten child who was only concerned with himself. I probably am spoiled, but that didn’t change the fact that my father is no philanthropist. It sure looks ‘nice’ of him to donate so much money, but I knew he had an ulterior motive.

  He never, and I mean never, did anything out of the kindness of his heart. He lacked a heart, that’s for sure. It was my job to suck it up, take the thanks and the stares. I would not mention this to him, would not fight with him about this. I will pretend I don’t know or don’t care.

  I wish Lizzy understood why I was so angry. She could see the bile beneath the surface; was she chalking it up to typical teenage/father angst?

  I knew if she met him, she’d see him for what he really is. If she spent any time with him, she’d understand me. But I don’t want him to ever lay his eyes on her.

  The trip was spared with just a little personal cost to me. Almost every senior was going and the buzz in the halls was palpable. Who could believe our good fortune? No school on Friday so we could take a bus to the wilderness? What kind of school is this?