I stared back at her, not having an adequate response. I already knew that, but not for the reason she was telling me.
“Well?” she asked.
“I can’t disagree.”
“Idiot. You’re missing the point.”
She got up and poured herself another cup of coffee. “You want another one?”
I shook my head. The last thing I needed was more caffeine. I was so damn jittery as it was, adding to it wouldn’t help me a bit.
Caroline sat back down and looked at me. “Do you remember when I thought I’d lost Justin forever?”
“Yeah.”
“I fell in that black hole and let it consume me for months. When I finally resurfaced and things began to brighten again, I realized there weren’t many things in my life that were important when I compared it to loving someone. When I went into the witness protection program, I knew it was all for the right reasons. You did it because you had no other choice. But there were times when I thought if Justin’s life hadn’t been in danger, I would gladly have died than go through life without him. Keeping him safe though, was number one. That’s how I made it through. I never thought I’d end up with him Preston. You know that. When I left to go and say my final good bye to him, I thought I would eventually end up somewhere on the West coast, living day to day and growing old alone. What I’m telling you is that you are the biggest fool around if you think you can just walk away and let her go. If you love her like I think you do, you better get off your ass and find her. Do whatever it takes to win her back. Even if it takes years. Wouldn’t it be worth it? Prove to her that you’re really not a shit. It won’t be easy. You’ll have to do some serious groveling, I’m sure. But damn it Preston, isn’t she worth it?”
“Caroline, I would give everything I have to be able to look into her eyes once again, and not see that God awful pain radiating out from them. Of course she’s worth it. I’m calling Pete and quitting my job. This DEA shit has ruined my life. Literally. And not only mine but yours, Justin’s, Mom’s and...” I put my head in my hands and groaned.
Caroline put her hand on my back and I flinched.
“I’m sorry. I forgot Preston,” she said as she quickly withdrew her hand.
“You know something? She could touch me Caroline. Everywhere. And I didn’t react like that. And I told her everything. All the nasty, despicable details. Things you can’t possibly imagine. And she still accepted me as is. With all my tragically fucked up flaws.”
“We all have flaws, Preston.”
“Not the kind like I have.” I rose to my feet.
“So, what are your plans?”
“I need to get this hand taken care of and then I guess I have a girl I am going to do my best to win back.”
********
Pete Kowalski looked at me like there was another head sitting on my shoulders.
“It doesn’t work that way and you know it.”
“I don’t care how it works Pete. I’m out.”
“You can’t just quit.”
“Watch me. This whole thing has been an abomination from the start. It’s ruined everything in my life and most of what I’ve touched. It’s like a fucking cancer that’s spread and now it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even carry on a normal relationship. I’ve fucked everything up to the point of no return and I’ve had it. I’m out.”
Pete expelled a long breath. “Look, buddy, you know how it is. You’ve known since the beginning.”
“Yeah, and I’ve finally reached my limit. I’m done.”
“You’re never done. You know that,” he said, his voice laced with exasperation. “The baddies will always find you man, and then what will you do? You’ll be out and on your own with no one to protect you.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“Preston, listen to me man. It. Doesn’t. Work. That. Way!”
He was right. I knew it, but I didn’t want to accept it. I wanted normal. Now. I wanted Avery. Now. I wanted everything that was impossibly out of my reach.
“Fuck!” I yelled. “So now what? I want off of everything. I want loose. I don’t want this life anymore.”
“Okay, I got that. We can make arrangements. But here’s the thing. They know who you are. It scares me to have you out there on your own. You need to have protection, man. You know I’m right.”
“I need a leave of absence.” I stood up and walked over to the window. I was at EPIC, El Paso Intelligence Center, where all the DEA intelligence activities took place. I’d flown in last night and requested a meeting with Pete and his superiors. Pete talked me out of it and suggested that he and I have a chat first. That’s what we were doing right now.
“You gonna tell me what all this is about? I mean, Preston, you and I go way back and I’ve never seen you like this.”
So I spilled my guts to him. We were great friends and had been for almost the whole time I’d worked for the DEA. We met in training and kept getting assigned to the same teams. Then I went off the grid undercover and Pete led my team from the inside. He was A number one and I trusted him.
He squeezed my shoulder when I was done talking.
“So Preston, you know that relationships and this kind of work don’t really go hand in hand, right?”
I gave him a withering look.
“Okay! Okay. Look, you’ve also said you’ve blown it with her, right?”
“Are you trying to piss me off or what?”
“I’m trying to make you see the error of what you’re attempting here.”
“Pete, what I’m attempting is to try to live the next half of my life as normal as possible. For the last thirteen years, I’ve lived on the streets, dodged bullets, acted like I was a heroin addict, been to prison, been raped dozens of times...” I stopped at the look on Pete’s face. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes and then I felt a rage exploding within me. “What? Did you think I was in fucking Maui having a jolly vacation or something? Let me show you a thing or two.”
I pulled up my shirt and he saw my tattoo of “No One’s.” Then I unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down my hips a bit so he could see the word “Slave.” I didn’t give him long to process it before I turned around and lifted my shirt so he could see all the tattoos. “See all these? You need to take a closer look. They cover up what was done to me in there. You see, you guys have some misconception that I came out unscathed. Think again buddy. Not only am I scarred on the outside, but you can’t imagine how fucked up I am in here.” I tapped my temple for emphasis.
He only stared at me for a few moments and when he tried to speak, his voice was raw with emotion. “I didn’t know.”
“Did you ever bother to ask?” My question was posed in a whisper. “I spent more time in the infirmary than I care to recollect. Thing about it is, I knew when I was in there, I’d have even more hell waiting for me when I was returned to my cell.”
“Fuck.”
“You got that part right. But not where you’d want it. Sorry I’m being so crude, but it’s the damn truth. Now, what do you propose for me? I want out of this nightmare of a circus I’m in.”
“Let’s work on that leave of absence. How long and you know I’ll need to have someone around you, or nearby anyway.”
“A year. I need to find Avery and then win her back. After that, I’m out. And I’m serious Pete. Unless you guys can promise me a nine to five, I’m out.”
“Who are you trying to fool? You? Behind a desk? Nine to five? As if.”
“I’ll do anything if I get her back, but I won’t be undercover any more, risking her life or mine. You got that? And if something can’t be worked out to please her, I’ll fucking quit. I don’t need the money. You ought to know that.”
“I’ll do what I can.”
“No, Pete. It’s this or I walk today. I’ll be in the wind and you’ll never find me. You know that.”
“But they will and your body will turn up one day.”
“You think I care
about that? If I don’t have Avery, that means shit to me.”
“But what if you do have Avery and hers turns up right along with yours?”
That caught my attention like nothing else. “Okay, you got me there. Do what you can, but I want at least one year and no more assignments. Then I’ll decide where and what I’m gonna do after that.”
********
Before I left EPIC for the day, I headed to the intel center so I could log into their computer system. I had top level clearance, so it would give me access to all airline manifests. It didn’t take long to track where Avery landed. Following her credit card trail was easy. Every charge she made popped up on the screen, so I was able to see her movements. Her final destination had been Vail. That’s what Justin had predicted. It’s where her love for the mountains began as a five year old, so he figured she’d go there to soothe her soul.
She must’ve been planning to stay there awhile because she’d gotten a job and rented an apartment. That eased my mind a great deal because now I didn’t have to worry about her wandering around aimlessly without anyone to keep her company.
That night after checking into my hotel, I went for a long run to try to clear my head. I now had Avery’s cell phone number. She had an iPhone so it would be easy for me to track her by GPS. Knowing that was the last thing she wanted of me, I wouldn’t do that unless I became worried about her. With all this information I had, it would be exceedingly difficult to stay away, but I knew I had no other choice.
Sleep evaded me that night, like it had for most other nights. The visions of her were so real I would jolt when I felt her hand slide across my chest. I thought prison was the worst torture a man could endure. Oh how wrong I had been. This was surely a million times worse than prison had ever been. I would rather someone beat me to a bloody pulp than have to endure this kind of anguish night after night, knowing what I wanted so badly, would never be mine again.
********
Pete and I met for breakfast in the EPIC cafe at eight the next morning.
“You got what you asked for. Before you leave here today, make sure you have everything you need Preston. Once your leave is official, you’re off the clock. That means no clearance for anything. You understand?”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “but that’s what I have you for.”
He laughed too and replied, “Well, you may find your ass in a sling if you can’t reach me. You know I’ll still be running missions.”
“I have other connections, you know.”
“True, but some of those connections scare the piss out of me.”
“As they should, but they’ve saved my ass a time or two.”
“All kidding aside. Is there anything you need from us here?”
“No. All’s good.” I grinned at him.
“I hear ya. Do me a favor though, will you? When you hack into our system, be neat about it, okay?”
“I will. No worries there. I do need a big favor from you though.”
“Anything.”
“Keep a tight eye on Caroline and Justin. If anything ever happened to either one of them...” I got choked up and couldn’t go on. My throat burned with emotion.
“Hey, you know they’re on a constant watch with us, right?”
“Yeah, but I need trusted eyes on them Pete. I mean...”
“I got it covered man. No worries, you hear?”
“Thanks.”
We finished up and I looked at Pete and said, “I owe you.”
“I hardly think so. We owe you Preston. Go and get your girl back. I hope the wind is with you man.”
Chapter 21
Avery
It didn’t surprise me to see him sitting there, but I squealed and ran around to give him a hug. We both laughed and then he pushed me away, gently, and said, “I’ll be honest Ava. I’ve seen you looking better.”
After blowing out my breath, I said, “What? You mean you don’t like the purple color I’m wearing under my eyes these days?”
Right then, one of the waitresses, Felicia, bopped over and said, “Well hey Avery. Who’s this?”
Rolling my eyes at Justin, I said, “This is my brother, Justin. Justin, meet Felicia.”
Before I could get another word out, Felicia had wedged her way between us and was practically rubbing herself all over my poor brother. “Well, hello there Justin. Where has Avery been hiding you?”
I grabbed her arm and yanked her back to my side and announced in a loud voice, “Avery’s been hiding Justin in Seattle with his wife Caroline. If anyone else wants to know, Justin is off limits.”
Felicia immediately pouted her big silicone injected puffed out lips and said, “What a pity. We could’ve had such fun.”
“Perhaps in your dreams, Felicia.”
“Avery, you’re no fun.”
“Maybe not. But Caroline, my sister-in-law is my best friend and the love of Justin’s life. Not to mention she’s absolutely gorgeous. So, get back to work and take some drink orders already.”
“Damn, you need to get laid girl,” Felicia huffed.
“Well, that’s the damn truth,” I said under my breath.
I turned to Justin who been watching this whole exchange with undisguised amusement. “Boy, you really are protective, aren’t you? I liked that little extra touch of the best friend thing. That was nice.”
“Well, I have to be protective of you, especially when it comes to that silicone stuffed thing. Did you see the lips on her? She looks like she got her mouth stuck on a commercial grade vacuum cleaner. Dyson could use her for an advertisement. What’s up with these women and their puffed out lips these days? I don’t get that at all.”
“I’m with you on all that. I guess they think it’s attractive or something.”
“Well, it looks ridiculous. Can’t they look in the mirror and see? Cheezits!”
“Cheezits?”
“Yeah, cheezits.”
Justin shook his head at me and laughed. “What time do you get off work?”
Glancing at my watch, I was surprised to see it was five o’clock. “An hour ago!” I laughed. “I was filling in for a few hours for someone and I guess I lost track of time.”
“Do you want to go to dinner tonight?”
“Yeah! Do you want to see my super sized studio apartment?”
“Sure!”
“I’d invite you to stay with me, but you’d have to sleep on a blow up mattress.”
“Ava, I’m long past my blow up days. I’m staying at The Vail Chalet.”
“Oh great. That’s right around the corner from here and from my super sized studio apartment. Let me check out of here and we can go.”
It was so great to see Justin. I didn’t realize how much I had missed him until he and I started chatting. We stopped by my place so I could change. He loved it, or at least that’s what he said. It was hard not to love my studio though. It was decorated really cute, courtesy of yours truly, and it was in the perfect location.
When I was ready, we headed over to Rosemary’s, one of the hottest places to eat. Justin had made reservations in hopes that I could join him. After we were seated, the questions began rolling in.
“He came to Seattle.”
I simply nodded. There wasn’t much else to say and I was truly afraid that if I did, that devastatingly brutal pain would surface and take over my life again. I inhaled deeply, pushing those thoughts aside. My hands were folded on the table in front of me and I stared at them, wondering how the bones of my fingers weren’t popping through my skin. Surely my skin must be extremely tough. Maybe my skin could teach my heart a thing or two.
Justin’s voice came to me again, softly, yet persistent. “You’re going to have to talk about it sometime Ava. It won’t vanish into thin air. Trust me on this one. I know.”
My lips were pulled so tightly between my teeth, I was sure they would be bruised come morning. My throat convulsed as I tried to swallow. After three tries, I succeeded.
“It�
�s, ah...well, it’s not the easiest thing for me to talk about.”
“I understand.”
“I’m not sure you do.” My leg and foot began bouncing up and down and my hand went to my throat in an effort to ease my breathing, which had suddenly become quite difficult. The tears I thought I had done an admirable job of holding back, blurred my vision as they overflowed my meager lids. Truth be told, I would’ve needed a damn gallon bucket to hold the mess of liquid I was trying to force back. “I, um, it may be best not to talk about this here. It’s quite humiliating, you see.”
Justin reached out and took my hand in his. I wished to God he hadn’t done that. For some reason, the slightest gestures of kindness seemed to set me off toward an avalanche of emotional overload. I bolted. Staying in that booth, with all those happy faces around, just wasn’t going to work. As I dashed for the restroom, I didn’t see the waiter with that huge tray in his arms. As bad luck would have it, I crashed right into him and we both ended up on the floor, covered in all sorts of sauces and bits of delicacies. He immediately wanted to know if I was all right and I, on the other hand, instantly broke out in sobs. Waiters streamed in from everywhere, surrounding us, cleaning up the debacle I had created. Someone lifted me to my feet and escorted me to the Ladies’ Room where I was handed towels and other things to clean myself off with.
Words of apology kept gushing out of my mouth, but the person helping me kept eyeing me like I was crazy. Only I knew the truth. She thought I was upset about the food that was dripping off of me. Justin was called in and the restaurant packaged up some food for us to carry home. We left and went back to my lovely studio, so I could cry my eyes out in the privacy of my own home.
“I didn’t know things were this bad for you Ava. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.” He tried to console me, but my shuddering cries of anguish only seemed to get worse. His arms were around me, rocking me back and forth and I gratefully accepted them.
Kissing Fire Page 17