Sex and the Confession Box

by M. H. O'Hara

  Eileen’s Christmas

  Eileen shoved a wad of notes into the taxi drivers hand and ran like her life depended on it as it truly did, swimming by the hordes of people entering and leaving Edinburgh’s airport she finally got through and up to the “Easy Jets” cubicle, Hello, hello the girl at the counter said ,please is there any flights leaving tonight to Belfast, she said yes we just finished boarding our last passengers and are due to take off .OH! please I need to get on that plane it’s a matter of life and death I have to get home to Belfast please IL pay whatever I have to. The girl was taken aback, I’m sorry we have boarded and the doors are shut there’s no way you can board that plane. Ring through to the pilot, please please I’m begging you, a friend of my has been shot and I only found out I must get to him. She nodded at me and excused herself and went to another desk and picked up the phone she was talking for a few minutes and looking over anxiously She came back and said the pilot has agreed to hold the plane for you and you may board. In these emergency circumstances we do make allowances for such cases. And it’s Christmas you must see your poor friend. Is he going to be alright, he’s lost his memory, shot in the head, but Gods with him and me I said holding my ticket in my hand up high. Thankyou.Welcome. Hurry she said there is going to be a lot of angry passengers on that plane. I’ll buy them all a drink I shouted after her, that will do it she laughed. I was delirious with hope, a complete an utter child in love in awe running to see my miracle. Santa could have popped out and I wouldn’t have taken any notice. I boarded the plane to a lot of tuting and dirty looks, I leaned in to the hostess and whispered how many on board half full how many is that a little over hundred, please announce I’d like to buy them and the crew a drink, for holding them up and because its Christmas why not. Are you serious she was a local girl from Scotland I am I’ve had the best news ever, won the lotto, nah I said better. I took the seat she showed me to up near the front as she placed my bag in the overhead lockers. Then she made the announcement over the intercom that “ladies and gentlemen” I would like you all to join me in thanking our late arrival as she has just offered to buy all the passengers and crew a Christmas drink by way of apology.Yeah,hip hip. Went the whole plane cheers, thank you. People across the aisle said you won the lotto love, no just happiness good thing to share don’t you think. I do love I do. Five minutes later the drinks trolley was out and everyone got a drink I got none I’d had my fill with all that champagne and needed a clear head. The stewardess came over and handed me a large bill which I settled up no hesitatating I’d been given extra from Crawford to go Christmas shopping, this was better than any more bloody clothes I could wear or throw into the cupboard again. This made me feel so alive, that feeling when the wind just blows so forcibly and you hold your arms out wide and let it take you where it will as it sores through your every cell, your every though your every dream and you know how it feels to soar like a bird with the freedom of just letting go and falling back into the arms of love and saying YES!

  Peter’s Christmas Journey

  The room felt cold and empty as Father Peter came into the parish house despite there being a huge open fire burning in the centre filled with turf and logs. Father Harkin came over and guided him to the seat closest to the fire. Would you like a wee scotch he said to Father Peter yes was all he could muster, he gave him the glass, and you Francis no thank you Father as he sat across from Father Peter who looked like he’d wished that bullet had killed him. Father Petere sat looking at Father Harkin through him really, thinking you old shite the lot of you, are you all so bitter and filler with hatred and resentment that you’d stand in the way of another finding love, peace her. He got up and walked out of the room and stood at the sink as tears hit of the steel basin top and he held up his hand to them and caught them in his palm looking at them. What becomes of me now, can I truly live with this, like this knowing what I know? A hand warm and strong gripped him firmly on his shoulder, shall we go, never knowing is always worse than wondering about what could have been, killed men stronger than yourself Father Peter. You’re a smart decent lad and I won’t forget this, so I’m forgiven then, you did nothing wrong, but them they knew better. Slipping out into the late winters night as quiet as two field mice leaving Father Harkin to talk to himself and drink in his own loses. Lets get this car heated up a father, god yes its freezing. Do you know where your heading, yeah I’ve driven to Antrim many times, do you know to go over the black hills quicker though might be a big more ice on the road. That’s up through Ligonel isn’t yes. Father Peter thought quicker to her, to find out what happened, to tell her I didn’t forget her and I still want her. He looked over at Father Francis searching his face for some emotional response, he just continued driving eyes on the road. You don’t approve? Father I don’t judge, isn’t that what were taught as men of god, not to judge our brethren so why would I judge you my friend, after all you’ve been though in the last six months alone you deserve to have all the happiness in this vast universe and if that’s this woman then wonderful, so many are still looking for their happiness, so many never find it, they just keep on searching and sometimes their search leads them to look in all the wrong places in all the wrong ways, like drink or drugs or hurting others in their own pain of that searching. Your search is over. I hope so Francis I hope so, even if there’s some big boxy guy there I’m not going to leave without asking her, seeing her looking into her eyes and finding her, me, us.

  It was a short drive but the journey was a long one to them both up and down a few roads and they were lost, don’t you remember how you got here the last time Father Peter looked over at Francis eyebrows arched are you mad, I got shot in the bloody head,I just about remembered me own name man. Sorry forgot ok we will have to ask for directions, if there’s a sinner about on a night as cold as this he can’t be up to much good, or as mad as ourselves said father Francis with a smile. They Drove around for another five minutes when they saw a car coming slowly in their direction, they flashed the lights and flagged it down. It was a wee old couple coming back from church, hello both priests said rolling down the window as did the other vechicle, Hello fathers we just came from your place did ya now, oh yes said the wee woman all pleased with herself. Well we’ve come from a parish in Belfast and were are a little lost, oh were is it your looking fathers? No 19 Damascus road, oh yes you’re not far from there at all, just take this road and turn left at the bottom and it’s the fourth house up fathers. Nothing wrong I hope fathers no bad news I hope? The wee woman couldn’t help herself from asking, no all’s grand. Well good night to you both and God Bless you. You too fathers and merry Christmas. They let the couple pass them by and headed down the road and followed their directions, slowly driving up the Damascus road counting the numbers on the houses and the there it was, no 19, they drew slowly outside the closed metal gates, the trees had Christmas fairy lights strewn around them and the garden looked so peaceful and pretty. Well now what said Peter, now you knock on the door, go on man said Father Francis elbowing him. Peter got out of the car as though it was a hearse all slow and careful ,he opened the gates, nothing still not a sound, it didn’t look familiar, nothing seemed to fit but it had been the summer and a lot brighter, he walked slowly, taking his time savouring this moment with excitement and dread. He approached the front of the house and then suddenly barking and howling from inside the house made him jump out of his skin, he froze himself to the spot awaiting the hounds to run out and eat him, a light appeared in the hall and a tall thin man late twenties peered out though the curtains surrounded by two barking dogs. He had a good look at Peter and deciding he looked safe,probably due to his robe, he ushered the dogs into the other room and opened the door. Hello he said can I help you father, are you lost? All sorts of thoughts flew through his mind, is this Eileen’s lover, husband, maybe she, moved. Finally finding his voice he managed to mumble is Eileen here, Eileen came back the response, yes. No sorry father she’s not here at the moment, he interrupted the youn
g man, so she’s still lives here? Peter said, heart pounding with releif, oh aye said the young man but she’s away and won’t be back till sometime tomorrow. In Scotland, Scotland, Edinburgh with her fancy man.

  And there it was his heart on the ground, splattered on the frosty night path, along with his hope. He didn’t need it now no more would it beat. OH I see and he walked the long walk away from his forever happyness. The young man shouted after him who will I say called? No one, he said no one called that’s obviously who I am to her no one! Tears did not fall they only fall when you feel. He climbed into the car and looked at Father Francis, and shook his head, she’s with someone. Really, he was taken aback, he’d worked out a happy ending in his head like all those romantic movies he watched with his mother, evidently this one was “Wuthering Heights” what happened, a young man was there, was he her guy did she talk to you, Peter gave him a sullen annoyed look, if you’d let me speak IL tell you and get us out of here I never want to see this place again. Yes father yes. The young man was alone, but yes she still lived there, he informed me that apparently she’s in Edinburgh with her fancy man, her fancyman, Peter rolled his eyes.

  Maybe she gave up on you father, and if she even knows about what happened to you, she knows snapped back Peter she knows. She just didn’t love me and that’s that. Your wrong Father Francis said ,excuse me said Peter getting really annoyed, I saw how distraught she was and I could see she was in pain, in pain for you. So don’t you go writing her of yet who’s doing the judging now father. Peter looked at this young wee priest defiantly not wanting him to give up, defying all he was brought up to believe, the church the vows, he believed in love he saw that whatever it may cost. They sat quietly, neither knowing what to say, both in their own thoughts. Peter said well IL know by tomorrow if she does care at all. Hows that then asked Father Francis? The guy will tell her a priest called looking for her, she’d bound to know it was me, so if she still has any feelings or at least some curiosity she’ll call wont she he said in an doubtful voice. I agree father, good point, now all you have to do is wait one more day. Another wait thought Peter more waiting to be happy, he thought his waiting would be over tonight. So tomorrow will come and with it Eileen he hoped and the answer to a question he had to know the answer to do you still love me?

  Eileen’ Christmas Journey

  The plane landed at “George Best” airport fifteen minutes behind schedule, I already had my seatbelt of and my bag in my lap awaiting to knock anyone out of the way to be the first of the plane. Doors opened and out I zoomed by literally sliding down the steps of the airplane and running across the tarmac to the airport racing to the outside ,I flew open my arms and looked up at the Belfast skies filled with millions of twinkles of hope. Taxi love said a waiting taxi driver yes please jumping into the warm cab. Where to then,”Ardoyne” “Saint Anthony’s” chapel please alright and out he pulled. Your a right holy one and you don’t look the sort, excuse me? Confused by what the driver said, you going to mass again, again I thought what’s he on about, you don’t remember me, but you’re not one to forget I picked you up before outside the Europa hotel and took you to masses nun are you he said laughing, the total opposite actually and hoping he didn’t get what I meant. The driver chatted about Christmas and I was glad stopped me taking the steering wheel of him and doing ninety up the road.

  Thankfully there, no thinking any what ifs or maybe I shouldn’t, not after what I’d been through to get here and I didn’t just mean the flight I mean my whole life they say it all leads to these moment, moments like this that can change your whole destiny but were preordained for you, I don’t know I only knew I was here and I wasn’t at any crossroads I was on that straight path once again ,looking up at the sky please God no more diversions?

  She pushed open those big wooden doors she’d been thrown out of over five months or more ago. The smell of the incense hit in and she inhaled .There were a few praying in the Chapel and some lighting canldes. Christmas brought more to Gods house a time of such loneliness and loss at Christmas cradled you more also lots came to pray for help to be able to afford this time of year, not to let their kids down so much pressure and stress, many prayed for that lost family member to come home or to just be ok. Christmas brings us altogether in so many different ways. I stood looking at the Christmas candle s so pretty. Now what will I sit and wait or knock on heaven’s door. Fuck it IL knock, she went out round the back and knocked on the parish house door no answer so she rang the bell, no answer, for fuck sake seriously. She pressed for a while, she saw a light come on the front porch, and grumbling noises from behind the door as it was being unlocked, my heart sank with the titanic as Father Harkin stood there all red faced and out of breath. Hello Father I said awaiting another outburst, but he just said why all the buzzing, has someone died, she got a huge whiff of booze from his breath, if they had he’d be no good to anybody. No father I need to speak to Father Peter please Father it’s urgent, he squinted his eyes taking a real good look and I could tell by the upturn of his gob that he remembered me, what do you want back here? I told you before I’d get the police on you if I ever saw you again. Yes you did indeed and I told you to go to hell but still here we both are. He was fucked of then, he wasn’t brushing me of no fucking way, is he here.No! Even if he were he would not want anything to do with the likes of you. Well I started to poke the ole shit the likes of me I said as I began to poke him in his chest and backed him deeper into the hallway, the likes of me is a human being a woman with a child who has had it hard and still believes in God but not in the likes of you, you bring shame to God and to the church with your bitter twisted judgements. You don’t know me, you’ll never know me, you judge through yourself through your own hatred’s IL ask again may I speak to Father Petered shoved my arm away like I said he’s not here and he told me to tell you if you should happen to call again, that he wants nothing more to do with you and that he has retaken up with the parish again and that’s where he’s staying. I don’t believe you, I said backing down and of and out, true, after he almost died in Derry he knew God had saved him for a reason a higher purpose ,he raised his voice louder, a higher power saved Father Peter to continue Gods work and to serve God he knows that now. He smiled an evil smirk hissing his words that sank her soul. Be gone from here and let him do the right thing.

  Nothing left to give or say, no energy for anger I turned and ran from his presence, as he shut the door on the life he destroyed and went back to his own betrayals. I wailed the pain of such sorrow as would show up a banshee, I cried and died once more I cried in gods presence. I crept into what used to be a refuge for torn souls, lost being lost lives. I knelt before a statue of our lady and looked up at her and I walked over and kissed her feet and lit two candles, one for my sins I said to her please forgive me my sins, no more I said IL sin no more referring completely I was no longer going to sin against god and myself I was through with betraying my soul and selling it to the highest bidder. No more hooking for me, I promise you I said rubbing her feet set me free from this pain mother Mary. I turned and lit the second candle and I said to this statue this one’s for Father Peter take care of him and let him know that I always will love him.

  Is that candle for me then? I jumped out of my skin, I thought I was completely alone in the chapel so was praying out loud to our lady asking and praying with all my heart, turning round to the voice came tears and shaking and falling to my knees Peter he ran to me before I could knee to the ground Peter,I cried oh Eileen we both embraced holding each other and I cried the tears I’d held in for all these months all the guilt and pain and shame came pouring out onto his big hard chest as he held me saying my name, all I managed to say was I waited I did ,and I know why now, He rubbed the tears of my face oh sweet beautiful Eileen I love you, I love you I’ve been waiting for you longing for you. It was you who God kept me alive for. You to love and to take care of you, there is no higher calling to me than to get to love thee and have thee, you still w
ant me then, nodding his head to the side where I’d been praying heard the prayer. I buried my head into his chest God yes of course. So what’s this about a fancy man then. What I said taken aback I’ve been to your house I’m just back you are I said, yes, some guy said you were in Edinburgh with your fancy Man? Oh my brother that’s my brother, he’s minding my son. I flew back from Edinburgh as soon as I heard you were shot I hadn’t heard it was a priest never mind you.

  All the news was in the Derry papers mostly till they got the guys then bigger paper printed the story.There was a cough behind us and I looked over Father Peters shoulder and there was Father Francis,ah Father Francis,you,ve met Eileen, yes we have met as I threw my arms around him and kissed him on the cheek and said thank you, he smiled shyly, welcome. How did you know I was in here,Fathere Harkin the charming priest that he is in his drunken rage told me you had called and the story of complete lies he’d spewed you, so after slapping him in the face, would have punched him but the ole lad wouldn’t have taken it I ran out to find you and something drew me in here. I smiled you drew me in here, I think there are forces at work here Peter drawing us together. He turned to father Francis, father yes sir said Francis would you do me the honours he said as he held out the beautiful sapphire ring he’d kept with him all this time and marry me and this woman. I burst out laughing he can’t marry, I know it won be official but until that day. Will you marry me Eileen o Hara I bit my bottom lip as more tears came, yes I said nodding my head as he slipped it onto my finger, little big I dont care, Father he said nodding to Francis who walked over laughing love he said its great. He placed his hand on top of both Peters and Eileen’s hand and cupped them together I now pronounce you both to be together for ever more, and we kissed a beautiful soft kiss holding each other’s hand and our mouths searched each other’s with longing and need and lust, entwined in that kiss was us, peace at last in our embrace. We heard the door off the chapel shut behind us and released we’d embarrassed poor father Francis and he’d left. We burst out laughing, so Mrs O Kane I laughed oh no I’m keeping my name I just got it back after the divorce, fair enough home, yes home.