The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!)

by Steven Scaffardi

  My legs felt like jelly. I was deflated and tried to steady myself against the wall. I forced myself to look again, to make sure this moment was real. I watched Kelly wave goodbye to Rob as the snake walked down the street, once glancing over his shoulder and then finally disappearing out of view.

  I fell back against the wall and slid down it. My best friend. How could he do this to me? My mind was still racing but this time in different directions. Then something stuck in my thoughts, something Rob had said to me at Paul’s birthday.

  Twice that night he had asked if I minded if he tried to pull Kelly. He had wrapped it up as banter at the time, but now it was all making sense. This was Debbie Chopman in the school playground all over again. This was Rob proving to me how easily he could take someone I desired so much. But this wasn’t a kids’ game of kiss chase. This was a betrayal of the highest order.

  The bastard, he had actually done it. But how long had it been going on for? Maybe that is why she had been so freaked out when I kissed her. I bet they had been laughing at me all along, thinking that I would never find out because Kelly would soon be leaving the country. And it was Rob who stopped me going to her last night. It all made sense now.

  Your best friend has just pulled the girl of your dreams. I needed a strong drink.

  *

  So here we are, back at the beginning, or the end depending on which way you looked at things. I sat on the curb outside the White Horse feeling pretty sorry for myself. It was bad enough my best mate had betrayed me, but the assault from the barmaid had been the cherry on the cake.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and started to type out a text message.

  I just want to let you know that I know what you have been doing behind my back. You call yourself a friend? If I ever see you again it will be too soon. We're done as mates.

  I pressed the send button and watched as my phone confirmed my message had been sent to Rob. I sat there for a while before my phone started to vibrate. I looked at the screen expecting it to be that traitor Rob calling me to try and squirm his way out of this one. But it was Kelly's name flashing up on the screen.

  She was some piece of work. She was probably with him, and now they both knew I had rumbled them. I thought about answering it, telling her exactly what I thought of her. She would have deserved it. In the end though, I put the phone back in my pocket. I simply didn’t have the energy left in me to speak to her.

  It was time to head home. I picked myself up and slowly walked back to my flat. It was not like I had anything to rush home for. I put the key in the lock and opened the door. As soon as I entered I could hear the sounds of sexual moans coming from my bedroom. I figured Jack had found the computer and logged onto the internet.

  I knocked on my bedroom door just to give Jack enough time to pull his pants up just in case he was doing something I really hoped he wasn’t. There are some things you don’t ever want to see your friends doing.

  And this would be one of them. For the second time that day I found myself completely frozen, staring in the face of pure horror. First Kelly and Rob, and now this!

  “Señor Hilles, so sorry!” Rosalie screeched. “I clean! I clean!”

  “Where have you been hiding this little señorita?” Jack asked as he continued to hump my cleaner from behind. “Do us a favour mate and put the kettle on. I’ll be done in a few minutes.”

  I closed the door. I could still hear Rosalie as I walked down the hall. And I could have sworn I heard Jack say “taste your ass” as I quietly left the flat again. I stepped outside and looked up to my bedroom window and laughed. Despite everything, I still had to smile.

  “What’s so funny?”

  It was Kelly. What was she doing here?

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I tried calling, but you didn’t pick-up. I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something.”

  “Oh save your breath, Kelly, I already know.” I said. There was no way I was going to give her satisfaction of giving me some bullshit story about how it just happened with her and Rob. “Save it for someone who cares, because I’ve got nothing to say to you,” I snapped, storming past her.

  “Why are you being like this?” she cried out after me. I spun round. If she really wanted to know I would tell her. She could then carry that on her conscience as she was travelling around the world.

  “I saw you, Kelly,” I said. She pulled a face like she didn’t know what I was talking about. “I saw you with Rob. This morning. Coming out of your flat.”

  “Oh,” was all she could say.

  “I saw the two of you. So now I know, okay.”

  “And you put two and two together did you?”

  “Don’t insult my intelligence,” I said. “Just go and leave me alone.” And I turned to walk away, but not before saying “Have a nice life.” I purposely chose the words Paul had texted her when they broke up.

  Kelly grabbed my arm. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but whatever it is, you have it completely wrong.”

  “Oh please Kelly, I haven’t got time for this...”

  “If you must know, Rob came around to tell me how stupid I would be if I left without saying a proper goodbye to you.”

  I was stunned into silence.

  “He told me you came looking for me last night,” she continued. “He told me what happened.” She paused as though she was trying to stop herself from crying. “He told me how you felt.”

  I was lost for words. It was so much to take in. How could I have been so wrong? I felt a complete fool for the way I had treated Kelly. For the way I had jumped to conclusions with her and Rob.

  “Kelly, I’m so...”

  “Forget it,” she said. “You have a nice life.” And she turned and walked away.

  I watched as she started to disappear for the second time in as many days. But this time I wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. I ran to catch up with her. I pulled her around by the shoulder. She shrugged me away, but I pulled her back.

  “Please, listen to me,” I said as I pulled her to face me. I could see the tears, I knew I had put them there, and I knew I had to make things right. “I’m an idiot. I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. I don’t know why you should give me a second chance. God knows I don’t deserve one. But I need you to know something. I need you to know...”

  I tried thinking of the words that would repair this damage. I needed it to be magical, something Kelly would remember for the next 12 months. This was my one and only chance. But I couldn’t find the words, not words that would do this justice.

  “You need me to know what?” she asked, a single tear rolling down her face.

  I kissed her. I pulled her close and I kissed her. And this time she kissed me back. I felt one of her tears trickle down on to my cheek as she closed her eyes tightly, but this time I knew the tears were there for the right reason. I didn’t want to stop kissing her. I wanted this moment to last forever.

  But I knew eventually we would both have to come up for air.

  “Wow,” she whispered, almost stunned as we pulled our lips away from one another.

  “That’s what I needed you to know,” I said wiping the tear from her cheek. “I’m so sorry Kelly.”

  “Shhh,” she held her finger up to my lips. “It doesn’t matter now.”

  And she was right. Everything that needed to be said, the feelings between us, had already been said in that moment.

  “That was pretty impressive. Are you sure you don’t have anything else you need to tell me?” Kelly asked.

  “Like what?” I said raising my eyebrows.

  “Something you might need to tell me back at your flat?” she said with a devilish look in her eye, wrapping her arms around me.

  For a second I was confused, but I soon cottoned on to what she meant. “Yes,” I finally said with some authority. “Yes, I do.” But then I remembered – Jack and Rosalie. There was no way I was going to get back into my bed with
out burning the sheets after seeing what I had seen.

  “We have a small problem,” I said. Kelly looked down at my trousers. “No, no. Not that kind of problem,” I protested, and then explained the Jack situation.

  “Let’s go back to mine then,” Kelly suggested.

  I took Kelly by the hand and started to guide her back towards her flat. With each step my pace quickened. Kelly’s place must have been a 15-minute walk away. I dragged her there in about four minutes flat.

  Kelly fumbled with her key in the lock. I jigged up and down impatiently. She explained that the key sometimes got stuck. I took the key from her and tried to force it in.

  “Oh shit,” I said as I broke the key in the lock. I looked at Kelly who looked as horrified as me. I looked back at the door. This was not going to happen. Not to me. Not today. I stepped back and charged at the door. Nothing. I took another run and crashed shoulder first. Nothing!

  I stood back rubbing my arm in quite some pain. “Shall I call a locksmith?” Kelly asked.

  I was not going to let this get in my way. And with all my might I flung myself at the door, breaking through the lock, wooden splinters spraying out from the now broken door frame. I turned to Kelly and picked her up in my arms. “You might want to call that locksmith later on,” I said and with that I carried her upstairs to the bedroom.

  I threw her onto the bed and dived on to her. We tore at each other’s clothes. I wish I could tell you I was the perfect lover, but what the hell did you expect after nearly nine months. Foreplay would have to wait for round two.

  After all the waiting, all of the humiliating situations and the teasing, all of the frustration, the moment had finally arrived. This was real, this was happening. I was in! I was having sex! The drought was finally over. In my head Celebration by Kool & the Gang played. I had completely forgotten what the feeling was like. Jack recently tried convincing me it was like masturbating in the bath. Jack is an idiot.

  I started to work up a rhythm. I was in danger of getting a little carried away but I thought Kelly would completely understand if I finished a little prematurely on this occasion.

  “Don’t you dare cum yet,” Kelly said rather aggressively as she dug her fingernails into my back.

  Shit. I had to resist. I couldn’t let Kelly leave thinking I was a two-stroke, two-second wonder. You never knew who she might bump into and tell on her travels.

  I clenched my eyes tight and cleared my mind completely of any sexual thoughts. I tried to think of absolutely anything that would take my mind off the task at hand. My grandparents. Different types of cheese. Bushy eyebrows. Wet socks. That reminds me, I hadn’t removed my socks. That was pretty unsexy, and becoming a bit of a habit.

  And then I finally crossed the line. I had gone beyond the danger zone and felt confident I had the situation under control.

  Now it was time to unleash hell.

  The endless hours of watching porn were going to pay off. I twisted Kelly into positions she probably thought were not humanly possible. I congratulated myself as I watched her eyes roll into the back of her head. I gave myself a little pat on the back each time I felt her leg tremble. With one final thrust Kelly nearly screamed the house down and I finally slumped on top of her, completely out of breath, and completely drained of all bodily fluid.

  After nearly nine months little Dan still worked!

  I clambered off of Kelly and lay beside her, completely exhausted.

  “That was amazing,” she finally said after catching her breath. “But can I ask you something?”

  “Yeah, of course,” I said holding her close.

  “Why have you shaved off half of your pubic hair?”

  Chapter 25: A New Beginning

  Sunday, September 13 - 2.11pm

  Drought Clock: Expired

  The drought was finally over. The clouds had finally opened and the rains had come. After months of psychological torture, emotional stress, and physical doubt, it was finally over. And boy was it worth the wait.

  I had feared that my sexual development would have been set back years, but as the old saying goes, it’s like riding a bicycle. Well, the riding part anyway. My confidence had taken a real hammering, but just like a star striker, I had finally found the net again and there would be no looking back now.

  On many occasions over the last few months I had prayed for the clouds above my head to stay and bring the rain, which would end the drought. But each and every time they would pass, and simply extend the period of dry weather, or in this case, dry-humping.

  My journey had seen me trudge through barren wastelands, fearing I was destined to wander the desert forever. But now my journey was over. If I was to offer advice to anyone else in my situation it would be this:

  Climate change is a natural thing that no one can determine or control. You have to take the rough with the smooth. A drought is a natural phenomenon caused by changes in weather patterns, but those same weather patterns can also bring the floods. Droughts kill more people than floods because the effects are more prolonged. The best remedy for weathering a drought is to water regularly while you have the chance.

  If you are in a relationship then don’t take your partner for granted. Water them daily – do it two, three times if you must to help that relationship grow. You never know when that next bone-dry stretch is around the corner.

  “What are you thinking?” Kelly asked me as she snuggled up to me in her bed.

  “Nothing really,” I said. “Just how great the weather is today.”

  She gave me a funny look, but I knew what I meant. I kissed her on the forehead, but couldn’t help feeling I had forgotten to do something.

  Then it came to me. The text I sent Rob. I reached across and grabbed my phone. I had one missed call from Rob and a text message.

  Can you call me mate? I honestly have no idea what I've done. I hope everything is okay.

  I groaned. Without Rob I wouldn't even be laying here with Kelly right now, and in return I had accused him of betraying me, going behind my back, and labelled him a traitor. What type of friend was I? I knew I had to make this up to him, but I had no idea how.

  I racked my brains for the right words, but deep down I knew a simple apology wasn’t good enough.

  But then it came to me. The promise. The promise Rob said he would make me stick to if I ever ended up with Kelly. I knew I owed him much more, but this would be a start. I got out of bed and stood in front of Kelly completely naked. Okay, I still had my socks on. I hadn’t had time to take them off in the heat of passion.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said and ran down the stairs and out of the front door.

  There is more chance of me running naked through the streets of London than there is of me getting together with Kelly.

  I had been wrong and now I had to see this through. I waved at Kelly who was looking at me from her window like I had gone mad. And then I started to run.

  My tackle flapped and swung from side to side with each stride that I made. I ran down to the High Street and watched people dive out of the way as I ambled my way through the crowds. Small children pointed and screamed as their parents covered their eyes. An old woman shrieked – I couldn’t tell if it was in horror or delight.

  I ran past the White Horse and spotted the chav barmaid who had served me a beating just a couple of hours ago. She almost jumped out of her skin and a huge wave of satisfaction came over me as she dropped all of the glasses she had been collecting at the shock of seeing my naked body jiggling past her.

  I continued my canter up towards the Nelson Arms. As I passed the window I spotted Ollie and Jack at the bar. I made a quick U-turn and made a grand entrance through the pub door.

  “Guys!” I shouted. It was Sunday lunchtime and everyone in the packed pub stopped dead in their tracks and stared at my complete nakedness, minus the socks. But I didn’t care. “I’ve only bloody done it!” I said to Ollie and Jack. “The drought is over!”

  “Get in!
” Jack shouted. I ran to the bar, grabbed Ollie’s shot of Jack Daniels and downed it. The whole pub, including the staff, stood in disbelief as three men – one naked – proceeded to perform some sort of strange conga in front of their very eyes.

  “I gotta go,” I said high-fiving them as I ran out the pub and continued my journey. I got about halfway down the road when I heard the sirens. I took a sharp left down an alleyway and at the end I jumped over a fence into someone’s back garden.

  But to my disbelief this wasn’t just anyone’s back garden. As I approached I saw a man on crutches. I must have startled him as he lost his balance and fell to the floor. I grabbed a piece of chicken off the barbie for the journey and turned to see Stacey and Sophie help a snarling Dave get to his feet.

  I must have leapt over six or seven fences before I got back out on to the road. I cut down the back streets and finally arrived at my destination. I banged on the front door and rang the doorbell several times. I waved at a neighbour who had poked her head out of the door to see what all the commotion was, but she slammed it shut at the sight of me. Finally Rob answered.

  “Have you completely lost your marbles?” Rob gasped. I barged past him and into his house.

  “I’ve done it,” I said, jumping up and down, hugging Rob.

  “Done what?” Rob said, pushing me away, looking slightly concerned that I had just rubbed my naked body against him.

  “The drought is over,” I said with a huge smile on my face, talking at a hundred miles per hour. “It was with Kelly. I had to come and tell you. I thought you had slept with her, but I was wrong and I’m really sorry. That's why I sent you that text. But she told me you went round there and convinced her to see me before she left. And then I remembered my promise that I would run naked through the streets of London if I finally dipped my pen into the ink with Kelly. I probably can’t do all of London but will Balham do? Anyway, you should have seen me, I pulled off some cracking moves,” I continued to ramble on, demonstrating the positions I had performed.