Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  Eight years later

  BRILLIANT FALL LEAVES FLOATED TO the ground as I drove down the curvy country road. With my windows down, I enjoyed the breeze blowing through my hair. Country music was blaring, and I had a pumpkin spiced latte in my hand. Bringing the cup to my lips, I took a sip and savored the robust pumpkin spice as it touched my taste buds. The smell of fall in the air and the pumpkin aroma made me feel relaxed and refreshed.

  As I watched the leaves dance in the wind, I couldn’t help but think about how much they reminded me of my own life. Each leaf blew in a different direction, not knowing where it would end up. Yes, my life was a lot like the leaves. It kept blowing me in one direction even when I wanted to drift in another. I didn’t like feeling as if I had no control over my destiny. Then again, who did?

  I sighed as I thought about how much my life had changed over the past eight years, but I smiled at the thought of my two beautiful kids and how they were the only good things to come out of my life in the time that had passed. Even though I was trapped in a loveless marriage, I still had them. But the more time passed, the convenience excuse seemed to be wearing thin. I needed to get out, take my kids, and make my life my own.

  I often thought of Zane on days like this. It reminded me of that day in the garden, the day he broke my heart. It had taken time to heal, but I’d always hold a special place in my heart for him. I still didn’t agree with his decision to end things, but over time I understood why he did it.

  As I rounded a curve near my home, a memory tore through my mind of the night we celebrated my birthday in London when Zane had passionately stolen my heart. The memory made me smile. You’re my firefly, Chesney. His words echoed, and I longed to hear him say them again. Then, as fast as the smile appeared, it was gone. The day we’d said goodbye was the day I swore I would never love anyone again. Love had only ever ended in heartbreak for me. I frowned. Maybe I was meant to be alone—just me and my kids.

  I’d married a man named Chase, whom I’d met in college, after separating from the Air Force. He was the perfect husband—on paper. He had a great job and brought in a lot of money. He was very handsome and even charming when he wanted to be.

  Before we were married, things were great. Once he started getting more involved with local politics, though, he changed. He was always in the spotlight with his job, and the pressure had taken a toll on him. He’d started acting differently than before. Now he was someone I no longer recognized.

  Women practically threw themselves at him, even with me standing there by his side. Usually, the charm only came out when there were a lot of business associates around that he wanted to impress. Of course, he had to keep up his husband and father of the year façade. I did love him; I just wasn’t in love with him.

  Everything looked perfect on the outside, but on the inside, I’d never really felt complete with Chase. I would smile and go with him on his weekly business dinners and play along, but once we got home, he would lock himself in his office and work until well after midnight. I would barely see him, and he’d rarely pay any attention to the kids. He never had time for any of us.

  Was it too much to ask to have a husband who loved and cherished me and looked at me like I was the only woman in the world for him? I was tired of watching my husband flirt with other ‘business associates’ right in front of me and acting like it was okay. I was also tired of the late night dinners by myself and going to bed alone. I was a maid, a cook, and a roommate to him. That’s it. Still, he’d given me and the kids a life that most people dreamed of having, and for that, I was thankful. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to be happy again, and my kids deserved better.

  I’d tried talking to him about my feelings, many times, but he wouldn’t look away from his phone or computer long enough to even hear what I was saying. So I was taking a leap of faith and making one of the biggest decisions of my life. It would undoubtedly upset a lot of people, but I couldn’t sit back and pretend any longer. I had to do what was right for me and for my kids, and it was happening today. No backing down this time.

  I was going to go home to pack our stuff, and the kids and I would move in with my parents until I could find a place of our own. With the connections and amount of money Chase had, I knew he’d never leave me the house, so it was up to me to take the next step.

  I couldn’t believe I was going to be filing for divorce. I had never wanted to end up divorced. Then again, I had never wanted to end up in a loveless marriage, either.

  I went straight home after dropping the kids off at my mom’s and packed up what we would need. Chase wouldn’t be home because he spent most of his time at the office.

  I closed the back door of my Mercedes SUV. It was packed from front to back when I’d finished loading it. I was exhausted, but it was done. There were a few boxes I wasn’t able to fit, but I’d have to get them later. I was only taking what we had to have. He could have everything else. I didn’t want anything from him—other than a civil and easy divorce.

  I waited by the dining room table for Chase to get home from work. I thought back on all the times I’d begged him to be more present in our lives. I was finished begging. He may not have taken me seriously before, but he would now.

  I’d sent him several texts to see when he would be home and to tell him we needed to talk. His response was always the same.

  Chase: Late.

  I sighed as I put my phone on our expensive dining room table, which we never ate meals at as a family, and turned my laptop on. Trying to pass the time, I decided to get online and check some messages. I’d recently signed up for a social media website and noticed I had new friend requests. I scrolled through the list and rolled my eyes. Most of them were Chase’s ‘business associates’. There was no way I was ‘friending’ people I didn’t even know.

  Scrolling further down, my heart skipped a beat, and then my pulse quickened. I had to blink a few times to make sure I wasn’t imagining it.

  There, on the list of friend requests, was Zane Thomas.

  I stared at it as my cursor hovered over his name. Zane Thomas. It couldn’t be him. After all these years, what would I even say? What if he was happily married with a perfect family? Could I really open up old wounds? So many questions flooded my mind as I hovered over the confirm button and internally struggled on whether or not I should click it.

  My tongue felt like sandpaper as I tried to swallow. And then, I realized I’d eventually have to face him and explain everything that had happened since the day he’d left. I had to tell him the one secret I’d kept for so many years. It was the right thing to do. I had wanted to tell him, but I flew home, and life happened.

  I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call him while he was deployed, nobody could. I’d tried calling his cell a few times after he was due to be back from his deployment, and it had been disconnected. As time went on, it became harder to find him and tell him. I knew it wasn’t fair to him, but I also thought about how he’d been so against commitment, and I was afraid if I told him he would hate and resent me.

  Zane was a part of my past that still lived in my present, eight years later. A part of my heart still belonged to him. We hadn’t spoken a word since the day he’d deployed, and now so many feelings were rushing back.

  I stared at the screen one more time. No, I couldn’t. Clicking that button would be a one-way ticket back to the past.

  Slamming my laptop closed, I stood up and started pacing. Why now after so much time had passed? Things were so complicated. I needed to deal with my marriage issues first. I covered my mouth with my hand, grabbed my stomach with my other hand, and bent forward.

  I’m gonna be sick.

  As I looked out the dining room window, I saw Chase’s headlights as they shone through the gate. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Twelve thirty-eight—an hour earlier than last night. I pushed the thought of Zane out of my mind and prepared to get through this talk. I was a jumbled mess. My palms were sweaty, so I rubbe
d them on my jeans nervously.

  Chase walked through the door, loosened his tie, threw his keys and briefcase on the table by the door, and then stepped out of his shoes. Without even looking at me, he walked to the fridge, grabbed a cold beer, and headed to his office.

  “Chase, we need to talk,” I said slowly, biting my lip nervously.

  “Later, Chesney. I’m really tired, and I have a lot of work to do before bed.”

  “No, Chase. We need to talk now,” I said firmly, shockingly afraid of how he would react.

  I had never been so straight forward with him. I usually submitted to his every need and never pushed back when he said no.

  With his hand on the doorknob leading to the office, he stopped and turned around, glaring at me over his shoulder. “Excuse me? I said we’ll talk later.”

  “I’m your wife, Chase! I deserve five minutes of your time.”

  My nervousness started to turn to anger and frustration as I thought about all the times he’d told me no, and I’d dropped it and went on to do something else. Not anymore.

  I took a breath and continued, “What happened to us? I can’t even remember the last time you told me you loved me. I’m tired of being treated like a roommate and maid who takes care of the house and kids.”

  My chest and shoulders heaved after my rant, but I swiftly lost my confidence as he angrily glared at me. My anxiety was building, and I wondered if I should keep going or stop there and just give up.

  No backing down now. No regrets.

  He groaned, rubbing a finger against his temple. “Are you listening to yourself? There are many women who’d kill to be in your shoes, right now! I work my ass off for you and the kids. I give you everything!” He stalked toward me, and I backed up against the china hutch.

  “Everything?” I snapped. “How about you, Chase? We have everything but you. We eat dinner alone every night. You haven’t read the kids a bedtime story in years! You’ve missed every holiday, anniversary, school conference, sports game, and many important moments because of work. You even took me to a work function for our last anniversary, and then you danced with other women right in front of me! We didn’t want your money, Chase. We wanted you and your time. Most of all, we wanted your love! Nothing else mattered!”

  It took a second to realize I was crying. I wasn’t even sure why. Was he worthy of my tears?

  He shook his head in frustration. “Whatever, Chesney. You’re being irrational. You are nothing without me, and you know it.” I froze, trying to process what he’d said.

  It broke my heart to hear him say those words, but I knew they weren’t true. I was somebody, and I would be fine without him.

  “Chase, I want a divorce,” I said as my voice trembled.

  He laughed and stepped away from me. “You’ll be crawling back within a week. I have a work function this weekend, and I expect you to be there. They’re going to announce who made partner, and I know it’s going to be me. After that, you can do whatever the hell you want. Once you realize how foolish you’re being and decide to move back home, we can pretend this never happened.” With that, he locked himself in his office—like always.

  I was nothing to him. I wondered if I ever truly had been. I slid down the china hutch and sat on the floor, crying. I deserved better than this. No woman should ever have to feel this way. I just hate I didn’t make this decision sooner.

  Mustering up enough courage, I picked myself up off the floor and grabbed my laptop. As I walked to the front door, I turned around to look at the house I was leaving behind, one last time; then, I stepped outside. I knew once the door closed that would be it for me. There was no turning back. I wanted to put Chase and his life as far behind me as possible and move forward.

  Getting into my car, I drove away, watching my home disappear in the mirrors. So many memories were made with my sweet children in that home, even if Chase wasn’t a part of most. At the gate, I stopped and waited for a moment. My hands tightened around the steering wheel. All I could see was the reflection of my brake lights and the front door to our home in my rearview mirror.

  Part of me was waiting for Chase to come running out and beg me not to leave. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted him to fight for me. To stand on the front porch feeling pain and sadness as he watched me drive away.

  But that old insecurity grew larger inside of me the longer I waited there. Maybe I wasn’t capable of being loved. At that, I threw my house key out the window, put my foot on the gas, and accelerated out of the drive, never looking back.

  As sad as I was, I’d also felt a bit of freedom and exhilaration. I’d taken a stand just as I had many years ago. Only this time, I didn’t have the Air Force to take me away from my problems. I had to make my own way. I let my hair down, opened my sunroof, blared my music as loud as I could, and let the darkness swallow me as I drove on the winding roads ahead.

  The cool autumn breeze blew through my hair giving me a chill. It was almost one-thirty in the morning, so there weren’t very many people on the roads. I lost myself in the music and my thoughts and headed to my mom’s house. Sleep—that was exactly what I needed. To sleep and wake up to a new day, a new beginning.

  I TIPTOED INTO MY MOM’S house trying not to wake anyone.

  “Chesney, honey?” I heard my mom call as I quietly closed and locked the door behind me.

  Crap.

  “Yeah, Mom? It’s me. Sorry if I woke you.” I put my purse and laptop down on the foyer table and headed into the kitchen.

  “Me?” She chuckled. “You know I could never sleep knowing you were out so late and knowing what was happening. I’m not going to let you go through this alone. Come here.” She pulled the chair out beside of her and motioned for me to sit.

  She was sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of milk and a plate of freshly baked cookies. “I made your favorite. I thought you could use a pick-me-up.”

  I smiled, and tears welled in my eyes as I collapsed in front of her. I lay my head on her lap and sobbed as she held me, rubbed my head, and assured me everything would be okay.

  “I love you, Chesney, and I am so very proud of you. Don’t you ever doubt the decisions you make in life. Things happen for a reason, and you deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved deeply. Chase never appreciated you.” She paused to softly brush my hair out of my face. “One day, you’re gonna find a man who’s going to truly love you back and love you hard. It’ll be such an intense love that every other man who’s ever hurt you won’t even be relevant anymore.”

  When would that day be? Could it be today, I thought with a morbid humor.

  She lifted my head off her lap and held my face in her hands. I looked into her eyes and could see little tears forming.

  “You’re an amazing woman, mother, and daughter. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Hold your head up, and be the strong woman I know you are. Always put yourself and the kids first, and the rest will fall into place. Now, go ahead and cry, and let it all out tonight because tomorrow you’re going to wake up, put one foot in front of the other, and stop giving that man your tears.” She wiped away a tear with her thumb. “No man is worth these tears, darlin’, and the one who is will only make you cry happy tears. Always remember that.”

  She gently rocked me back and forth while I wept. My mom was my rock. She and my dad were two of the few constants in my life. I could always depend on them.

  My mom had been there for me when no one else had. When she’d first found out about Ian, she begged me to get away from him. After talking to her at the hospital, the last night Ian beat me, she said something that gave me the final push I’d needed to leave. He’s gonna end up killing you, Chesney. She was right. If I’d stayed, the next time he hit me could’ve been the one that killed me.

  Even though I’d made some bad decisions in my life, she never judged me and always helped guide me, without overstepping, because she knew she had to let me make my own decisions. I was so thankful to have her to t
urn to. She was not only my mom; she was my best friend and a great role model.

  Mom and I talked and shared a few more cookies. Then she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me the biggest hug before standing to clean up the dishes. “Go get some sleep. Goodnight, I love you,” she said warmly.

  I smiled. “Goodnight, I love you, too.”

  I changed into my shorts and t-shirt then slid into the same full-sized bed I’d slept in as a kid. Pulling the warm blankets to my chin, I thought about how I used to do the same thing as a child when I was scared. The urge to cry hit me again, but I had very little energy left. I was sure I didn’t have any tears left to cry anyway.

  I wanted the heartache to stop. Tomorrow will be a better day, I promised myself. And I had to believe it. Grabbing my extra pillow, I curled into a ball and went to sleep.

  “Mommy, Mommy, wake up! Nana is making us some yummy breakfast!” Alayna squealed as she and Dylan jumped on me to wake me up.

  “Okay, okay, I’m up!” I laughed and scooped both of them up in my arms. “Here comes the tickle monster!” I said, taking turns tickling them both. I loved hearing their little giggles. I would have to tell them what was going on eventually, but for now, they were happy spending time at Nana and Papaw’s house.

  Dylan gave me a curious glance. “Why’re your eyes all big and red, Mom?”

  “I just don’t feel good, sweetie,” I replied, not ready to give them details. They weren’t ready, either. I would try my best to shield them from most of what was going on, but I couldn’t protect them from it all. They may be only seven and four, but they were smarter than I gave them credit for. “Hey, why don’t you go help Nana with breakfast? I’m sure she could use your help.”

  “I’ll race you to the kitchen,” Dylan said as he and Alayna took off running and giggling.

  “Hey, no fair! You cheated! Nana! Bruhder cheated!” I heard Alayna shout through the house.