Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  He closed the distance between us. “I’m sorry, but hell, I didn’t even know until we were told probably around the same time you were recalled. It’s a last minute deployment, so none of us knew.”

  He stood in front of me, and all I wanted to do was collapse into his arms, but I couldn’t. I broke eye contact and looked over his shoulder because tears welled up and started falling down my cheeks. “Please don’t cry. This is killing me, too,” he said, reaching up to wipe my tears away.

  I cut my narrowed eyes back to him. “Is it?” I snapped.

  Maybe I was being harsh and selfish, but I didn’t know how else to deal with the pain. It was easier being mad at him than to accept the fact that I was probably going to lose him. He’d warned me so many times about this, but I was in denial and never thought it would actually happen to us.

  He winced at the words as if I’d punched him. “Of course it is! I love you!” he shouted. “Do you want to know why I was so closed off and hard when we first met? For this reason. Right here. This is why I don’t commit. All of my relationships end in heartbreak at some point. I’m better off being with no one.”

  He doesn’t deserve to be alone. What’s wrong with me?

  He slumped his shoulders and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Dammit, Chesney, I didn’t plan to fall in love with you. And I don’t regret meeting you or any of our time together, but this deployment really screws everything up. I love you so much, but I’m going to be gone for a year, and I can’t be distracted. I don’t know how to do long distance.”

  The soft and gentle eyes I was looking into were no longer there. They were sharp and hardened. I knew that look. He was putting his wall back up. This wasn’t going to end well.

  My knees almost buckled as I pushed myself off the tree. “Don’t do this, Zane,” I pleaded. “I’ll wait for you, and we’ll pick up where we left off. Please…” I begged, reaching out to touch him.

  “I can’t ask you to wait for me,” he said, his voice raspy as he moved back a step, barely out of my reach.

  I brought my arms down by my side. “You can’t, or you won’t?” I cried. I was trying so hard not to lash out, trying not to be the angry person I wanted to be. It wasn’t his fault he was leaving, but it damn sure was his fault if he was choosing to let me go. I took a deep breath to calm down. “We can make it through this. We’ve worked so hard to get to this point in our relationship,” I said, trying to reason with him. “Don’t throw it all away now.”

  He took another step back and hesitated. “Goodbye, Chesney. I love you. Please take care of yourself.”

  He turned, and I watched the man I love walk away without a second glance. My heart shattered into a million pieces.

  I can’t breathe.

  I gasped, trying to breathe as my throat tightened with emotion. I struggled to take in air, and my chest burned.

  Once he was out of sight, I fell back against the tree and slowly slid down the rough bark. I brought my knees to my chest and sobbed.

  This can’t be happening…Why?

  Why was I never worth fighting for?

  MY HEAD POUNDED, MY BODY ached, and my eyes were almost swollen shut. I’d gotten very little sleep even though my body was exhausted. My mind wouldn’t stop reliving the moment Zane had broken things off and left me so easily. Rolling over, I groaned and looked at the clock. Zero-eight-fourteen.

  Zane’s plane would be leaving for his deployment in less than two hours. I threw the covers off, sat up in bed, rubbed my face in my hands, and made a decision. After all we’d been through, I wasn’t going to let him walk away so easily. I was going to fight for us, even if he wouldn’t.

  Butterflies filled my stomach as I walked into the hangar. He may have ended things, but I was hoping to convince him to change his mind. I’d hoped going to see him would help him realize we were strong enough to get through this. Lots of couples made it through deployments and didn’t let it break up their relationships. We could, too.

  As I walked through the hangar there were people everywhere. Stopping for a moment, I scanned the crowd and saw wives and husbands kissing their spouses goodbye with tears in their eyes, parents saying goodbye to their children with tiny little arms around their necks begging them not to go, and girlfriends and boyfriends making promises of being there when their loved ones return. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.

  I stood in place and twirled my long, brown hair around my fingers. My heart raced, and my ears were filled with white noise as I tried to find Zane through the crowd. Finally, I saw him in the distance. Even though my heart was broken, a smile touched my lips as I watched him. He was looking around at the other people saying their goodbyes. He shook a guy’s hand and gave him one of those one arm “man hugs” and then picked his bags up off the floor.

  It’s now or never, Chesney. Do it. No regrets.

  No regrets. That’s something I’d always tried to live by and will continue to do so, no matter the outcome.

  I willed my feet to move, but they wouldn’t. He started to walk out of the large hangar doors to board the plane.

  No! Wait!

  I pushed my way through the crowd, trying to call for him, but my voice was barely audible over the noisy crowd.

  “Zane! Zane. Over here! Wait!” I yelled.

  As I reached the other side of the hangar, I stopped and tried one last time.

  “Zane!”

  He stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. For a moment, his eyes softened, and I thought he was going to smile. He didn’t. He pulled his lips into a hard line and dropped his head for a moment. He looked back up at me and then back at the plane. He was conflicted. Why was he conflicted? It should’ve been an easy decision. I thought he was going to come over to me, but he didn’t. He tightened his fists around his bags, looked into my eyes one last time, and then with a clenched jaw, turned to walk into the cargo door of the plane.

  I stumbled backwards, losing my balance, and gasped for air while sucking in a few sharp breaths. It was that easy for him. I hugged my arms around my body and watched as the plane prepared to take off. I tried my best to get him to fight for us, but ultimately, his mind was made up. He would fight for our country, but not for me.

  I couldn’t believe she showed up. What was she thinking? Seeing her standing there, her eyes begging me to come say goodbye made it harder than ever to leave. I had to force myself to stay planted on the pavement because my body was screaming to go to her. I couldn’t do it. She deserved someone who could be there for her completely.

  What the hell have I done?

  Jones was on the plane sitting beside of me as we pulled away from the hangar and headed for the runway. We’d been on every deployment together, so far.

  “I’m sorry, man. I know it’s hard leaving Aribella behind,” I said as the C-17 taxied to the end of the runway.

  “It’s okay, it’s part of the job—right?” he said, fidgeting. He looked so nervous. “Man… Aribella is pregnant!” he blurted, smiling from ear to ear. A few years ago, he would’ve been scared shitless to get a girl pregnant, but now, he was truly happy about it.

  “Damn. Congrats, man! Dude, you’re gonna be a dad,” I said, trying to put my own problems aside and be happy for my best friend. The truth was, I was happy for him but maybe a little envious as well. Jones really had his shit together and knew what he wanted in life. He had a wife and now a baby on the way.

  “Thanks, man. We found out a few days ago. It’s still early,” he said, pulling out the ultrasound photo he was carrying with him in his wallet, his face beaming with pride.

  “Wow, it looks just like you,” I said, taking the photo from his hands and squinting at the little black and white blob.

  “Very funny, and you’ve got it upside-down, asshole,” he said, laughing as he took it from me and turned it right side up.

  “That’s great, man. Really, it is. Congrats,” I said, handing the photo back to
him and giving him a quick slap on the shoulder.

  Riding in uncomfortable jump seats for over thirty-five hundred miles was torture. It always was, but such is life in the military.

  “Back to the sandbox we go,” I said to Jones, sitting back on the bright-red jump seat with my back against the metal ribs of the plane.

  He settled into the jump seat next to me and put his hand on my shoulder giving it a squeeze. “Back to the sandbox, brother.”

  Deciding to send a quick text before we had to turn our phones off, I typed one final message to Chesney.

  I’m sorry…

  “You ready for this, man?” Jones asked, pulling out a notebook and pen from his backpack.

  “Are you kidding? We’ve rocked every deployment we’ve been on. We’re gonna rock the hell out of this one, too.” I pulled my travel pillow out of my backpack and stuck it behind my head to try to get some rest.

  “Here we go, boys and girls…bye-bye, England and hello, sandbox,” I heard someone groan as the plane wheels left the ground and glided effortlessly through the air.

  Feeling completely at a loss, I’d walked to a nearby park and sat on a bench by a small pond. How did our relationship go from great to over so quickly? We were finally starting to get to a safe place in our relationship where both of us were on the same page.

  My phone beeped. Pulling it out of my purse, I looked down and saw a text from Zane.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, reading his text aloud. I stared at it in a daze. I wanted to cry, but I’d cried so many tears already that I didn’t have any left. I decided to text him back one last time.

  I’m sorry, too…Please stay safe. Love your Firefly, Always.

  After pushing the send button, I heard the roaring of the plane’s engine as it paced down the runway and lifted into the air.

  Looking up into the sky, I watched as it ascended and disappeared behind the clouds. Once the plane was out of sight, I hung my head and sat there, alone, on the bench. My body, mind, and heart were all completely shattered. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to move on without him by my side, but I knew I’d eventually have to figure it out.

  Forcing myself to stand, I moped back to my dorm. I grabbed my phone and looked one last time to see if he’d responded to my last message.

  0 messages

  Nothing. I didn’t even know if he’d actually received my text, but I sure hoped he did.

  It had been twenty-four hours since Zane had left. Being back at work was torture. I tried to push through the heartache, but I was listless and a shadow of the person I was yesterday. It was going to take a long time to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, but I knew it was something I had to do. He was gone. There was no other option for me.

  Once we finally landed in Afghanistan, we all disembarked and went to pick up our gear from the pallets. The same gear Chesney had issued to me herself.

  The humidity and sun beat down on me with a vengeance as I walked to my tent. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead. The dust swirling around and the muggy air made it hard to breathe. I was already missing the greenery and fresh air of England.

  Walking into our tent, Jones and I spotted two cots that were open toward the back. We decided to take those and make them our lovely sand-and-spider-filled home for the next twelve months.

  Oh how I’ve missed you, sandbox.

  Dropping my gear down on the ground, I opened my bag and noticed the faint scent of Chesney coming from it. Breathing deeply, vanilla and honey invaded my nose. The smell of her caused an aching of want in me. God, how I missed her and wished I could feel her lips against mine again.

  Now, I know I’m going crazy.

  There wedged in my bag was a small piece of paper that looked like it had my writing on it. It was the note I’d left for her when she’d issued my gear.

  Opening it up, I noticed her handwriting on the other side.

  I love you, Zane, I always will. Please stay safe. Love, your Firefly

  I brought the piece of paper to my nose and breathed in her scent. My heart raced, and Chesney’s face was all I could see. Her smile as she danced around in my room. Her eyes and the way they lit up when she’d look up at me and told me how much she loved me. Her lips and how swollen they’d look after I finished kissing her and sucking on them. Her body and how it felt against mine under the sheets as we’d made love. This small piece of paper made me feel things. Good things.

  We were very busy our first few weeks after arriving. Our missions were lasting anywhere from a couple of days to almost a week at a time. Guys were getting wounded, some were shipping out, and we were trying to get all the new troops caught up to our plans and what was going on. We were pulling sixteen- to twenty-hour days, easily, while carrying through each mission. Everyone was exhausted, and morale had really gone downhill.

  We hadn’t had a decent meal in days because MREs were all we had time to eat while away from base…if that. None of us had showered in days, and we could scrape the sweat and sand off our skin with a spoon. My eyes were dry and burned from all the sand. Every part of my body ached from sleeping on the hard ground for the few hours we actually were able to sleep.

  As our latest mission came to a close, we headed back to the base to shower and finally get some sleep.

  As soon as we arrived, I grabbed my clean clothes out of my footlocker and headed straight for the showers. Dirty, brown water pooled at my feet as I washed away the desert stuck to my skin. I could feel the grains of sand in my hair as I massaged my scalp.

  After almost falling asleep standing up in the shower, I decided to go back to my cot and go straight to sleep. I was too tired to even eat.

  When I woke up, I looked at the clock and realized twelve hours had passed. I’d never slept so soundly on a cot before. My body had needed a reboot.

  Pulling out Chesney’s note she’d tucked in my bag, I brought it to my nose and frowned as I noticed her scent was no longer there. It had faded. I pulled my phone out of my backpack. Even though I didn’t have service here, I could still see the last text message she’d sent me. I looked at it whenever I could. I wasn’t sure why I continued to torture myself though. I was the one who’d said goodbye and ended the best thing that had ever happened to me.

  Grabbing a pen and piece of paper from my bag, I sat up on my cot and wrote her a letter to drop off on the way to the chow hall. I’d started writing the letter at least ten times. None of them were good enough. I wasn’t sure what to even say to her. I couldn’t help but wonder how she was doing. I missed her more than I thought I would. I ached at the thought of her and wanted to hold her in my arms again. But I couldn’t. And it was my own damn fault.

  Zane had been gone for a month, and I hadn’t heard anything from him. Even with everything I’d been through, watching him leave me had been one of the hardest things I’d ever endured. I was lucky to get more than a few hours of sleep every night. My body ached partly because of exhaustion and partly because I missed him so much and wanted to feel his arms around me. And, to make matters worse, my life was going to be forever changed, and I had nobody to go through it with me.

  My friends had been supportive, though, always trying to cheer me up in one way or another. And now I had to say goodbye. For reasons beyond my control, I was leaving, heading back home. I had no choice. At least I was getting an honorable discharge due to medical reasons. I was going to miss everything about England and all the friends I’d made along the way.

  “I’m gonna miss you,” Ashley pouted as she plopped down on my bed. “I can’t believe you’re leaving. Please promise me you’ll keep in touch.”

  I sighed, sitting next to her. I needed a break from packing. “I promise. I’m gonna miss you, too, buttercup. Come visit me sometime in North Carolina, and I’ll give you some of my mama’s famous sweet tea,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

  “I promise.” She smiled sadly; then, she threw her arms around me. “Do you really have to go?”
>
  I didn’t even answer. She knew I had to. “Please promise you won’t say anything to anyone about why I really left. No matter what.”

  “I promise,” she said, holding out her pinky and linking it with mine.

  I smiled a fake smile through the many tears I’d shed. I was going to miss her and Emberly. They’d become my best friends, and I hated to leave them. But I had to believe there was a reason for everything happening the way it was. Still, it made me sad to think I would no longer be wearing my uniform. I’d joined the Air Force with pride, and now I felt like it was being taken from me. I wasn’t quite sure why, but I had to have faith that everything would work out the way it was supposed to.

  I just wish I knew how to get in touch with Zane. He hadn’t written to me, so I had no address.

  “Mail’s here!” Jones yelled.

  Everyone practically attacked him to sort through the letters and care packages. It had been a few weeks since I’d written to Chesney. As Jones tried to hand the mail out, I silently hoped there was one in there for me.

  “Here, man, this one’s for you,” he said, handing me an envelope. The look on his face told me something was wrong.

  “What the…?” There, in my hands, was the letter I’d written to Chesney. On the front, in large, red letters read: Return to Sender. Under it, the box was checked next to: ‘undeliverable due to a change of address for the recipient with no forwarding address.

  Jones plopped down on his cot across the tent from mine. “Man, look. Ari sent me this kick-ass care package, and she demanded I share some of it with you. I’ll eat what I want and give you the rest.” He laughed.

  He threw a bag of candy at me, and then his tone grew serious when I didn’t react. “You okay, man?”

  “Yeah, fine,” I snarled. I was far from fine.

  I looked back down at the slightly crumpled envelope in my hands. I was so confused. What the hell was going on? Where did she go?