Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  Alayna was having a blast on her giraffe, and I loved seeing her bright smile. I looked out into the crowd for Jess and the kids when, suddenly, my heart stopped. Out in the crowd of people was a head of blond hair and a tall build that looked so familiar.

  No, it couldn’t be…

  My head was spinning, and not because of the ride I was on. I snapped my neck around to quickly try to follow the man, but I couldn’t.

  Stop! Please stop the ride! Was that…?

  It couldn’t be Zane, after all these years? And why here? He must’ve had a look-a-like, or my mind was playing tricks on me. No, it wasn’t him. I’d had a very stressful few days. That was all.

  I told Alayna to hold on tight, and I rushed around the carousel, ducking and maneuvering through all the animals, straining my eyes to find him again. But I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  Like I thought, nothing.

  I went back to Alayna and shook my head. I was crazy to think Zane would be in my small town or that he’d even know where to find me.

  There she was.

  I stopped in my tracks and couldn’t breathe. I watched her laugh with a beautiful, little girl I’d assumed was her daughter. Her long, brown hair was blowing in the wind, and her smile was downright mesmerizing. She was breathtakingly beautiful even more so than I’d remembered from so many years ago. She looked so happy and carefree.

  Watching her on this merry-go-round brought back a memory of us. I smiled as I remembered the time I’d chased her through the one in London on a cool autumn night—much like tonight.

  She laughed, looking back at me over her shoulder. We were the only ones on it that night. She giggled as she ran from me, ducking behind the animals as they slid up and down in rhythm to the music. When I caught her, she melted into me, and her smile made me never want to let her go. Her lips were soft and the kiss we’d shared was passionate. The world around us kept spinning around and around.

  “What’re you doing dumbass?” I mumbled, pulling myself from my thoughts.

  I could tell she was obviously happy and had a child, which probably meant she was married. A bit of guilt washed over me. If only I had fought for her before. When I’d left for my yearlong deployment, I thought I was protecting her by breaking things off. I wasn’t protecting her, though. I was ruining the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I didn’t even realize it.

  I couldn’t have asked her to wait for me knowing we were worlds apart. We came from such different backgrounds, and I knew she’d go back home to North Carolina, and I’d be back in California with my family, eventually. What I hadn’t known, at the time, was that a few years later my dad would decide to retire from the military and invest in a bunch of properties in the mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee, not far from where she lived.

  I’d just gotten home for R&R and decided, while visiting my parents, I would reach out to her. No matter how many years went by, I’d never forgotten her. Not even a little bit.

  I hadn’t been in another serious relationship since Chesney. None of the women ever seemed good enough, and I never could understand why, until this moment. I was still in love with her. I’d give anything for her to feel the same way, but it looked like I was too late.

  I didn’t even know why I was there exactly or what I’d hoped would happen. Was I out of my mind? Borderline stalker?

  I had messaged friends of hers online, begging them to tell me where she was since she wouldn’t respond to my requests personally, and I didn’t have her number. A girl named Heather finally messaged me back and told me where I could find her. It took some convincing to get her to agree to it and not see me as a psycho stalker.

  Chesney looked out into the crowd, and I could’ve sworn her eyes locked with mine for a split second. Surely she couldn’t really see me through the sea of people between us. I ducked behind the ticket booth where she couldn’t see me, just in case. My back was against the cold metal of the small booth.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I banged my head against the hard metal a few times, wondering why I’d ever thought going after her would be a good idea.

  I needed to get out of here before I ran into her and ruined her entire life. She looked so happy, and I was not going to be that douchebag who sweeps in and ruins her life all because of my own selfish reasonings.

  The ride came to a stop and Alayna threw her hands around my neck, so I could carry her off. “Mommy, dat was so much fun! I wanna wide it again and again!” she screamed in excitement as we exited the ride.

  “Maybe later, sweetheart. We have to go let your brother ride some rides first, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said, accepting defeat.

  “Hey, Chesney, I think we need to leave now,” Jess said, looking worried.

  “Why?” I frowned. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

  She shifted and glanced up again, scanning the crowd. She looked uncomfortable and jittery. The way she was acting was really starting to freak me out.

  I looked down to grab Alayna’s hand to join the other kids in line at the next ride, but she was gone.

  My heart sank. “Alayna?” I was in an immediate panic. I stretched as tall as I could to see around everyone. “Oh my God, Alayna! Jess, where’s Alayna? Alayna!” I screamed.

  Jess stayed behind with the other kids while I ran off to look for Alayna. She couldn’t have gotten far. I pushed my way through the sea of people, trying to find her.

  I only looked away for a few seconds. How far could she be?

  My heart pounded so hard I could feel it in my ears. My chest tightened and my breathing quickened. She’d never taken off on me like that before. She often reminded me to always stay within two feet of her at all times when we were out and about.

  Oh God, please let her not be far. Please let me find her.

  “Mommy!” I heard a small cry over the loud, carnival clamor and people rustling by.

  “Alayna, thank God!” I rushed to her, brushing her brown hair back as I scanned her for injuries. When I saw she was perfect, I hugged her tightly.

  “I wanted to go ober dere and wook at the amimals weally quick, but I couldn’t find you after. I am sowy, Mommy.” Little tears filled her eyes. “I will neber walk off without you more than two feet again.” She threw her little arms around my neck and squeezed tight—it was the best feeling in the world.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart; you’re safe now,” I sighed in relief. “But how did you find mommy in this crowd?” I asked, puzzled. The animals were over by the ticket booth, and there were so many people between there and where we were standing.

  She smiled. “Dis weally nice man picked me up and pointed to you through dee cwowd. He told me to start walking, and he would make sure I got back to you.”

  My pulse quickened, and I swallowed hard. “What man, honey?” I asked, trying to stay calm as I picked her up and made my way back over to Jess.

  She scanned the now-thinning crowd and pointed her little finger excitedly. “Dat man, wight dere. Dee one in dee boo shirt. Your faborite cowor.”

  I looked toward the exit where she was pointing. There was a man with light hair and a blue shirt walking through the gate to leave, but all I could see was the back of his head.

  I gulped. Could it be? “Jess, watch the kids for me?” I pleaded with her in a hurry.

  She looked frantic. “Sure, but—”

  I didn’t let her finish. “I’ll be right back, I promise.” Then I took off.

  “Chesney, wait!” I heard Jess call after me.

  I ignored her and ran to the exit, following the man out of the gate and into the parking lot.

  It can’t be him. Adrenaline coursed through my veins.

  He was still far ahead of me, and the parking lot was dimly lit. I wasn’t stupid, so I did the next best thing to get his attention. “Hey!” I yelled from the edge of the parking lot, hoping he’d turn around.

  He stopped in his tracks. At first I thought he was going to
keep walking and not turn around. My heart was pounding partly because I’d run after him and partly because I was so anxious to see who he was.

  He hesitated but then slowly turned around to face me.

  I gasped in disbelief and stepped back, almost losing my balance. “Zane.” My voice was barely a whisper. My lungs were heavy like they were made of lead. I could barely breathe, and I started to sway on my feet. “It, it can’t be.” I shook my head as he stepped out of the shadows and started slowly walking toward me. “Wha—what’re you doing here?” I stuttered.

  “Chesney,” he said breathlessly as he took another step, his face pained. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see me, not like this. Let me explain, please.”

  He reached out for me, but I stepped back and looked up at him with tears in my eyes. My emotions were through the roof at this point. I wasn’t sure my body or mind could handle it all.

  “Zane. I don’t understand. Why are you here? How did you find me? How did you know to help my daughter find me just now?” My mind was a jumbled mess. I had so many questions running through my head that it was overwhelming. “I’m so confused. I can’t breathe.” I pressed my hand to my chest and sat down on the wooden bench beside me.

  He was silent, probably waiting for me to catch my breath. Then it hit me. “Wait. That was you, wasn’t it? Earlier. On the merry-go-round. I thought I was delusional.” Now that it was sinking in that it was him, I was almost angry. I needed answers. “What the hell is going on?”

  He held out his hands again, this time in a defensive pose. “I know you’re upset and confused. I’ll explain everything, I promise.”

  He sat down next to me.

  I wanted to get up and run. Run as fast as I could away from him, but my feet wouldn’t function enough to even stand up. I was in shock and still couldn’t believe he was in my hometown, here with me. It made no sense.

  I sat back and stared at him in disbelief. Staring into those intense blue eyes I’d gotten lost in so many times before.

  As I started to talk, he placed his hands on mine, and I felt a sensation all too familiar. I couldn’t let these feelings resurface. Not now. Maybe not ever again. I pulled away and slid further down the bench. He looked hurt, but I couldn’t help that.

  “You have five minutes to explain,” I stated matter-of-factly.

  He took a deep breath, looking me straight in the eyes. The smell of his cologne invaded my nose and brought back many memories of us. I closed my eyes for a second and breathed him in. His scent was strangely comforting.

  He cleared his throat. “Okay, I found out where you were through one of your friends. I’ve been messaging your friends all day, trying to find someone to help me get in touch with you. When you wouldn’t respond to my requests online, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to talk to you. We haven’t talked in so many years, Chesney, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed to know you were okay.” He paused, gauging my reaction to everything he’d said.

  My body trembled. I’d missed him so much over the years and had thought of him often. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to see him here, whole and alive, knowing he was okay. However, I knew we’d broken up for a reason, and I was so emotionally vulnerable right now. It wasn’t a good idea to let these feelings come rushing back.

  “There’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about you, Chesney. I tried so hard to forget. Forget your beautiful smile when you looked at me, your laugh when I would come up behind you and wrap my arms around you, your sexy-as-hell accent when you’d tell me stories of home, and the way your eyes would light up when I told you how much I loved you,” he said, looking desperate for me to believe him.

  He took another deep breath. “I know this isn’t fair to you, but I’ve regretted not trying to find you sooner. You always told me it was worse regretting things you didn’t do than those you did do. I can’t handle ‘what ifs’ right now, so I came to find you.” His deep voice held such conviction. Even after all these years, his voice alone was enough to make my heart flutter.

  He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. Some things never change. “I know it sounds crazy, but I came to see for myself if you were happy, that’s all, and then I was going to leave. I’m sorry I showed up like this, but I didn’t know what else to do. I haven’t been able to move on. I guess I just needed closure.”

  I blinked at him, unable to speak. He went on, “My dad bought some rental properties not far from here, and when he told me, I couldn’t believe it. He and my mom have retired only forty minutes away from your hometown.”

  I silently tried to process everything. Rental properties? He is close to me now? I was having a hard time taking it all in.

  “I’m only in town for a short time during R&R and decided to come check on you since I was so close. I didn’t mean to disrupt your life. None of this is how I envisioned it on my way over here. I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry, Chesney.” He dropped his head.

  I finally found my voice and asked, “How did you envision it exactly?” I was a stick of dynamite ready to explode. I didn’t think it was possible to be angry, sad, thankful, and happy all at once, but it was. “Did you expect me to run into your arms and tell you how happy I am you’re here?” The truth was, a part of me was happy he was here. I shouldn’t have been, but I was.

  He stood up and started pacing in front of me. “No, that’s not what I meant.” He swallowed. “Please…let me finish.”

  I was trying not to cry and failing miserably. I could feel the stinging in my eyes. I was so tired of crying over men.

  “And yes, that was me you spotted by the ticket booth. I noticed you with your daughter, and I figured you were married, so I didn’t want to cause any problems. I was going to leave. You looked so happy and carefree. I assumed your husband would be nearby. As I was leaving, I noticed your daughter walk off while you were talking. I quickly went to her and showed her how to get back to you. I watched her to make sure she got back safely. I didn’t want anything to happen to her. I had to know she was safe before I left.”

  I was so confused. I didn’t know how to react or what to say. So many words were spiraling through my mind all at once.

  “God, she’s beautiful, Chesney,” he went on, smiling. “She looks so much like you. She has your beautiful, brown hair and brown eyes and your bright smile, dimples and all.”

  He looked at me with those shimmering blue eyes and that was all it took. I was so angry with him, but my heart swelled knowing he cared enough to make sure my daughter stayed safe. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My throat tightened, and no matter how hard I tried to swallow back the tears, I just couldn’t.

  Without thinking I threw my arms around his neck and collapsed into him. “Thank you so much for helping my daughter. I don’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to her.” My heart fluttered as he wrapped his arms around me, too, and breathed in deeply. I quickly pulled back realizing maybe that wasn’t the best idea. “I’ll always be grateful for you helping her, but I still need to process what the hell is going on right now.”

  Was this some cruel joke? Was I dreaming? I still wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t wake up at any moment.

  WHAT THE HELL WAS I thinking? I shouldn’t have come here. Sitting there beside her, I could see the hurt in her eyes. I hated knowing I made her feel that way, knowing each tear running down her cheeks was because of me.

  She sat there crying, makeup running down her face. I reached up to wipe her tears and realized I would do anything to stop her from hurting.

  It upset me to know she’d moved on with someone else, but I wasn’t good enough for her. She deserved someone who wasn’t so indecisive. Someone who had their life together and could make her happy. I was torn between my feelings for her and what she truly deserved.

  My stomach twisted in knots as I sat there, heart racing, waiting for her to say or do something. Anything. This woman moved me in ways I neve
r knew existed. Something inside of me changed the day I’d met her. Year after year, I’d wondered why I was such an idiot and let her go. I would do everything in my power to make sure she never slipped away again—if I had a second chance.

  I glanced down at her hand and realized she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about it, but my hope was restored a little.

  I was torn. Part of me wanted to grab him and kiss him. The other part wanted to slap him and run away. Far, far away.

  I struggled for a moment, finally deciding to give him a bit of truth.

  “Do you know how long it took me to finally move on? Now you come back here and stir up feelings I’ve worked so hard to put away. You can’t do that. It’s not fair,” I wavered, struggling to get out what I needed to say. My heart ached and my stomach was rolling.

  I think I’m gonna be sick.

  I swiped away a tear and continued, “I told myself for so many years that I was fine. That I would be fine. That I didn’t need you. But I wasn’t fine, Zane. I haven’t been the same since the day you left.” I looked up at him and took a deep breath. “I was so angry and heartbroken that day. Angry because you didn’t love me enough to fight. And heartbroken because I loved you so much it hurt. I sat there, watching your plane fly away, and a part of my heart left with you. That was the hardest day of my life.” My lips and chin trembled.

  I finally found the strength to stand. Tears subtly formed in his eyes. I’d never seen him so emotional before. He looked so damaged—just like me.

  He took a step closer and reached out to me. “Don’t, Zane,” I said, placing my hands up in front of me to stop him. “Don’t touch me…because, if you do, I will fall apart.”

  He looked defeated. He stepped away and looked down at the ground for a split second. Looking up at me with pained eyes he said, “I’m so sorry, Chesney. Please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you like this.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and kicked the gravel under his feet. “Ahhhh!” he yelled. “Dammit!” He stared out into the darkness and placed both hands loosely on his hips.