Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  I was angry. Angry at myself for crying over a man that had left me hurting so long ago. Angry at myself for feeling bad that he was in so much pain, as well. And even angrier at myself for keeping a life-altering secret from him. I was no better than he was. I had no right to be mad at him for what he’d done because I’d done worse.

  “I really need some time to process everything, okay? I don’t know what else to say right now. I have a lot going on in my life. My marriage just ended, you show up out of the blue, and the last thing I want or need is you making me even more confused. Please respect that, okay?” I sucked in a breath. “Just give me time.” I didn’t know why I was so open with him, but I needed him to understand how vulnerable I was.

  He dropped his head. “Of course.” He nodded and then reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew there was nothing else he could say or do. “You have every right to hate me right now, Ches. I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. I didn’t know. I’d just assumed earlier…” he trailed off. He swallowed hard and then gave me one more, “Sorry.”

  He looked down and kicked another rock into the parking lot. “I don’t want to complicate your life any more than it already is. That was never my intention. Honestly, I just want you in my life, again. Even if nothing becomes of us, I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.” He sighed. “The truth is, my life has never been the same without you in it.”

  The words he’d spoken were powerful. He took my breath away as soon as he’d said them. Deep down, I think I was moved so much because I’d felt the same way for the past eight years. I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled deeply. Even from where I was standing I could smell his cologne. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around him. I opened my eyes, and he was standing only inches from me, his watery eyes glistening in the moonlight. Even in the darkness, he was as gorgeous now as he was back then.

  “You still wear the same cologne,” I said, sighing nervously.

  “Yes, it was your favorite,” he said, lighting my heart on fire with his sexy grin.

  My lips started to curl into a half-smile, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t fall back into old habits—not yet anyway.

  “I have to go back inside the fair now. Please let me fully process everything that’s happened tonight,” I pleaded with him.

  He nodded. “Whatever you need.”

  Pulling his phone out of his back pocket, he asked, “May I have your number, so I can get in touch with you without stalking your friends for information?” It was a weak attempt at humor, but I had to give him credit.

  “You can give me your number,” I said, pulling out my phone.

  “Fair enough,” he stated and then recited his number to me.

  We stood there in silence staring at each other. Then he finally said, “When I found out my parents retired nearby, I couldn’t believe it. I feel like everything’s happening for a reason. Just think about it and call me,” he said with such sincerity in his voice.

  “I will,” I said softly, looking down at the ground.

  He placed his fingers under my chin and pulled my face up to look into his eyes. It felt like forever that we’d stood there—no words—letting our eyes do the talking for us.

  He broke the silence, “I’ll give you time, Chesney, and I don’t want to rush you, but I’m only home for a week, and then I have to finish the rest of my deployment. All I ask is that you give me an answer before I go back. I need to know before I leave. I don’t think I can get through the rest of my time there without knowing. Even if you never want to see me again, please just tell me.”

  “I will. I promise,” I replied airily. “Goodbye, Zane.” I stepped away and started back to the fair.

  “Bye, Chesney,” he said with an ache in his voice.

  It hurt to walk away, knowing he was so torn up inside, but I needed time to sort out some things before I even considered rekindling anything with him. I mean, hell, I was still legally married. I had to take care of that.

  “Chesney, wait,” he yelled from behind me.

  The sound of his deep, silky-smooth voice nearly made me jump out of my skin. I froze in place, willing my feet to slowly turn and face him. I took the time to drink in how gorgeous he was one more time as he walked toward me.

  He took my hands in his. “I know you need time, and I’m gonna give it to you. However, if your answer is no, and I never hear from you again, I have to make sure I have no regrets and say everything I need to say.” His brows knitted, and he leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine. He hesitated. “I’ve never felt the connection I feel with you with anyone else. I’ll wait as long as it takes.” He took my head in his hands and kissed me gently on the forehead.

  I brought my hands up and rested them on top of his.

  He let his lips linger, and I closed my eyes, focusing on his warm lips and breath against my skin.

  “Wait a minute.” I blinked up at him. “Last time, when you were deploying, you specifically told me you don’t do relationships while you’re deployed. How do I know you’re not going to get over there, find out it’s too hard, and just break my heart again? What’s changed?”

  “I’ve changed,” he said. “Things are different now,” he promised. “I’ve never been as miserable as I have been since the day we broke up. I’m ready and willing to fight for you. To fight for us,” he said, caressing my face. “When I received the letter I sent you back as a ‘return to sender’, I panicked. The thought of not being able to contact you was terrifying.”

  I gulped. “You—you did write me while you were deployed?” I asked, tears brimming in my eyes.

  “Of course I did,” he whispered. “Things were really hectic when I’d first arrived, but once I had some down time, you were the first person I wrote.”

  I was the biggest jerk on the planet because I’d thought all these years that he’d never written to me. He did; it was just too late.

  “I tried reaching out to your friends when I got back, but they told me they didn’t know what happened. I was really worried.” He sighed.

  That’s right. He still didn’t know why I’d left England and gotten out of the military in the first place. I looked down, so he couldn’t see the worry and guilt in my eyes. I’d have to tell him, but not now.

  “Please think about what I’ve said.” He stepped back, his hands dropping to his sides.

  “Goodnight, Chesney.”

  “Goodnight, Zane.” I turned to finish my walk back through the gate.

  As I reached the entrance, I glanced over my shoulder. Zane was still there in his dark jeans and blue t-shirt, his hands tucked in his pockets. He took one hand out and slowly raised it in a wave. I smiled and nodded once. Turning to show the guard my wrist band, I walked through the gate and turned the corner, out of Zane’s view.

  I stopped at the ticket booth, leaned against the side of it, threw my head back, and released the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding. My lungs burned as I quickly sucked in the cool night air.

  I shivered as I wrapped my arms around my body. This night was one I’d never forget. Now, I had a lot of soul searching to do. My decision would affect my entire future and, more importantly, my kids’ future. Many years ago I’d sit alone and wish Zane would come back into my life, but now that he was back, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to be. Picking up the pieces had been so hard when he’d ended things. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to do that again.

  Once I gathered myself, I pulled out my phone and typed out a quick text.

  Me: Hey, I’m back in the park. Where r u?

  Jess: By the bumper cars, hurry up. I need details…

  I didn’t know how I was going to explain everything to her or anyone else for that matter. I didn’t even understand it all myself.

  “Moooommy!” Alayna yelled when she saw me.

  I picked her up and gave her the biggest hug. If there was ever anything I could count on in my life, it was the love of my children. They
always made things better, no matter what I was going through. Their innocence and love for me was what made life worth living.

  I smiled at her. “Hey, baby girl, are you having fun?”

  “Yes! Jess is so much fun. She let me wide the twain! Choo-Choo,” she giggled as she put her tiny arm in the air, pretending to blow the whistle.

  Since it was getting late, we gathered the kids and decided to leave.

  “Are you okay?” Jess asked concerned.

  No, I’m not okay, I wanted to tell her. I was suffocating, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t catch my breath.

  “Yes, I’m fine,” I lied, forcing a smile. “I’m exhausted. Let’s go.”

  Dylan yawned, and Alayna rubbed her eyes. Everyone was exhausted.

  Jess gave me a sympathetic smile as we put the kids in our cars. “Why don’t you come over to my house and have some hot chocolate.” That was our code name for wine around the kids. “Then you can tell me everything that happened when you disappeared tonight to talk to Zane.”

  Alayna spoke up sleepily, “Oooooh, I wove hot chocowate! Don’t forget marshmawows.” She yawned as I closed the door.

  “Yeah, sure. That would be nice actually. I’m not ready to go back home yet.” I paused. “Wait, how did you know the man was Zane?” I asked curiously.

  She leaned in, telling me, “That’s what I was trying to tell you when you ran off. Heather was blowing my phone up, and yours too apparently, to let us know Zane had contacted her and was coming to find you.”

  That’s right. He’d told me that he’d gotten in touch with one of my friends. “Well, I guess next time I should take the time to stop and listen to you.”

  “Damn right you should,” she said, making me laugh. I could tell she was gonna help keep me in line, which is exactly what I needed.

  Upon arriving at Jess’ house, the kids had all fallen asleep in our cars. We woke the oldest ones and made them walk inside to go to bed. We carried the youngest inside to put them to bed, and then we went into the kitchen to pour ourselves some wine.

  Jess took two wine glasses from the cabinet and placed them on the wooden countertop. Pulling the cork, she filled both glasses with the most luscious red wine. Then she handed me a glass.

  Kicking my shoes off, I made myself comfortable on the oversized leather recliner, folding my legs under me. She sat across from me on the black leather couch and looked at me with sad eyes.

  “Okay, something’s wrong. I can see it in your eyes.” She took a long gulp of her wine. “Spill it.”

  I sighed, not sure where to start. “I seriously don’t know how much more I can take, Jess. My life is crumbling. My marriage has ended, I’m living back at home with my parents, the kids have started asking questions about Chase, and Zane has somehow managed to dig up old feelings I’ve worked so hard to bury over the years. I mean, I just don’t know what to do.”

  I paused to take a breath and formulate my thoughts.

  Tears caressed my lower lashes as I spoke. “What I really want to do is curl up in a ball and stay in bed for a month. I don’t want to have to make these decisions. I can only take care of one thing at a time.”

  “What happened with Zane tonight?” she asked curiously.

  “Long story short, he’s in town on R&R from his deployment. He has to go back next week. He said he couldn’t go back without coming to find me and tell me how he still, after all these years, cares about me. He wants to give us another try. He apologized for what happened the day we broke up and promised if I give him another chance, he’ll do everything he can to make me happy and prove he’s changed.”

  With all that out, I took a long sip of my wine, feeling much better. Thank goodness I had Jess to confide in.

  “Why don’t you stay the night,” she suggested. “Something tells me one glass of wine won’t be enough for us tonight.” Jess headed into the kitchen to pour us another glass.

  “Good idea.” I picked my phone up off the table and sent a quick text letting my mom know we wouldn’t be coming home.

  Before placing my phone back on the table, I swiped to my contacts page, and my fingers hovered over Zane’s name for a moment. Part of me really wanted to reach out to him. But, I locked my phone and set it back on the table.

  I’m not ready yet.

  Jess came back with our refilled glasses. She handed one to me and took her seat back on the couch.

  I glanced over at my phone on the table. “Zane gave me his number, and I was so close to texting him. I had his number right there in front of me, but I couldn’t do it.”

  “Chesney, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s fine if you’re not ready. I can only imagine what you’re feeling with everything that’s gone on the past few days,” she said, reassuring me. “Hey!” She popped out of her seat. “I’ve got an idea. Didn’t you say Zane sent you a friend request online?” She grabbed her laptop off of the table in front of her and turned it on. “Why don’t you accept and look at his page to see what he’s been up to all these years? Maybe that’ll shed some light on whether he’s being truthful or not.”

  I got up, went to sit on the couch beside her, and set the computer on my lap. “Okay. Let’s do this,” I said, feeling nervous.

  I logged into my account. My hand trembled as I sat there with the cursor hovering over Zane’s name in my friend request box. Once I pushed accept, there was no going back. I wasn’t sure if I was ready. What if I found out he had someone in his life and was lying to me? I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing him with another woman even though we weren’t together.

  “Go ahead. Click it,” Jess prodded, bumping my shoulder with hers.

  With a breath I did it, I clicked accept. I knew he’d get a notification from me and wondered how that would make him feel.

  Then, out of nowhere, I started to panic. Oh, no. What about the secret I’ve kept from him? Maybe I didn’t want him peering into my life too much right now.

  Too late.

  We opened his page and looked at his profile. His main photo was of him in uniform, probably sometime during one of his deployments. It had been posted only a few weeks ago. He looked sexy as ever. Just seeing the picture took my breath away.

  “Whoa!” Jess clicked on the photo to make it larger. “Chesney, that man is gorgeous. Look at his eyes!” She fanned herself with her hand. “Yep, those are bedroom eyes. I can definitely see how easy it would be to fall for this guy.” She leaned in closer to the screen. “Does he have a brother?”

  I laughed. “Jess, stop drooling on your laptop. Besides, his eyes weren’t the only reason I fell for him,” I said with a smile, remembering the many things about him that I’d fallen for.

  “Oh, honey. I’m sure they’re not,” she quipped.

  “Okay, enough ogling my ex-boyfriend. Can we go look at his page now?” I asked, closing out the photo.

  The first post we saw was posted only moments after we’d left the fair. It read:

  Sunflowers mean beauty, loyalty, passion and longevity. They provide the energy you need in life, just when you think you can’t go on anymore. I had a sunflower once, the most beautiful sunflower, inside and out, but I lost her…she is, and always will be, my sunflower, my happiness.

  “That post makes no sense. What is he talking about?” Jess asked.

  “It’s about me,” I whispered. “When we were dating, he’d told me I reminded him of a sunflower. He said when he was having a bad day all he had to do was think of me, and I’d brighten it. He also told me what sunflowers represented, which was very important to him. I was his sunflower when times were tough. His light shining through the darkness.”

  I sat there in shock while I remembered the night he’d given me my first sunflower and told me it reminded him of me.

  “I got you a surprise today,” he said as his lips curled into the sexiest smile. “I walked by this and thought of you.” He handed me the biggest and brightest sunflower. “My life is more alluring with you in
it. You’re my forever sunshine, Chesney, my sunflower.”

  Sunflowers had always been my favorite, so it meant a lot to me that he’d taken the time to get it for me. Thinking back to that day, I could still smell the earthy, robust aroma as I brought the flower to my nose and inhaled deeply. It was as if I were back there, in the moment, reliving it all over again.

  “Chesney?” Jess asked cautiously, breaking me from my thoughts.

  I shook my head. “Yeah, sorry. I was remembering the day he gave me my first sunflower.”

  She continued scrolling down his page, and I could see a lot of military pictures with a lot of his friends. There were a few girls in the photos as well. I only hoped none of them were actually attached to Zane.

  “Ches, look! It says here, he’s single.” Jess pointed to the screen, and butterflies awakened in my stomach.

  But I was exhausted. “I think I’m finished for the night.” I grabbed my glass of wine and finished it in one gulp.

  “Okay,” Jess said, closing the laptop.

  After finishing our wine, Jess and I were feeling pretty relaxed. It was getting late, but I didn’t care.

  “Here, I’ll take this.” Jess grabbed my empty wine glass and the empty wine bottle off the table and walked into the kitchen.

  I heard a chime come from the computer and realized I’d forgotten to log off earlier. I smiled when I saw Erik’s name pop up in a message. We’d remained best friends over the years even though we hadn’t seen each other since England. He always made sure to email or message me at least once or twice a month to catch up.

  Erik: Hey, Ches! What’s up?

  Me: Drinking some wine with a friend and trying to sort my life out. You?

  Erik: Sounds like fun. Wish I could join in. ;)

  Me: No, you don’t, trust me. I’m a blubbering mess. Zane came to my hometown tonight to find me.