Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  After placing a gentle kiss on my lips, Zane rolled onto his side, and I wrapped my leg and arm around him as he held me tight. We both looked up at the stars shimmering brightly in the sky and just lay there as our breathing steadied.

  “I love you,” I said, kissing his chest. “Thank you for coming back for me.”

  “I love you, too. Thank you for believing in me and giving us another chance.” He kissed the top of my head.

  “Can I see you again tomorrow?” I asked, propping myself up on my elbow and pulling my dress up over my naked body.

  Tomorrow. I have to tell him tomorrow.

  He grinned. “Of course, and the day after that, and the day after that.”

  He pulled me back down onto my back and kissed the hollow place on my shoulder and below my neck, making my body tingle. If he didn’t stop, there was going to be a round two.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I blurted, realizing that he still had to finish the second part of his deployment before he’d be able to come back.

  He frowned. “Let’s not think about that right now, okay?” He placed a finger under my chin. “We’re going to be okay. Whatever is meant to be will be. No regrets, right?”

  I nodded, still sad to think of him going. “Right.” I sat up and pulled my dress straps back up over my shoulders. “I know it’s getting late, but I don’t wanna leave you tonight.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, though, as early as you want me there,” he said, handing me my panties from the other side of the truck.

  I ran my fingers through my hair, hoping it looked halfway decent. “You’re so beautiful,” he said, making me blush.

  He kissed me one last time with so much tenderness that my heart swelled. Even after all these years, it felt right. My heart knew it, and I was ready to let myself believe it.

  Once we were both dressed and secured everything in the back of the truck, we got back into the cab and he drove me back to my car. I slid across the seat and lay my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me as we drove in comforting silence.

  When we arrived, he jumped out of the truck and walked around to my door to open it for me. “Don’t forget your sunflower,” he said, grabbing it from the back seat.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, reaching up to give him a goodnight kiss. “Thank you for tonight,” I smiled.

  He grinned seductively, “It was my pleasure. Goodnight.” He kissed me on the forehead and turned to get back into his truck.

  “Goodnight,” I breathed.

  I was in a daze the entire drive home. I’m pretty sure I thought I was dreaming or that it was all some kind of cruel joke. It was surreal. I sat in the car for a moment, in the driveway, reflecting on the night, trying to calm my nerves before going inside.

  Walking into my room, I closed the door quietly behind me, kicked off my heels, threw my purse on the dresser, and collapsed onto my bed. Covering my eyes with my arm, I replayed us making love in my mind. A smile crossed my lips, and the excitement coursing through my body made me squeal, wiggle, and kick on the bed like a teenager.

  Gathering myself, I was afraid I would wake everyone else up, so I had to be quiet. Grabbing my pillow, I turned to face the wall and squeezed it tight as I remembered what it felt like to be held in Zane’s strong arms again.

  When my phone beeped, I jumped off the bed and grabbed it out of my purse.

  Zane: Goodnight, I love you.

  Me: Goodnight, I love you more. Xoxo

  Zane: Not possible, now go to bed and get some rest.

  Me: Yes, sir. Still bossy I see.

  Zane: Only when it counts. ;)

  I couldn’t argue with that. I’d always loved that side of him.

  Quietly I changed into my pajamas and went to sleep the happiest I’d been in a while.

  WAKING UP THE NEXT MORNING, a huge wave of regret washed over me. I knew I had to tell Zane the secret I’d been harboring since the day I’d left England. It was the right thing to do. We’d just reconnected, and things were wonderful, but it wasn’t fair to him. Keeping it from him was killing me inside. Even if he hated me afterward, I still had to do it. I picked up my phone and typed out a text:

  Me: My mom is taking the kids to the park this afternoon. Can you come over so we can talk?

  As I sent him the text, there was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t describe. A heavy guilt. I wasn’t proud of what I’d done. I knew it was wrong. I was so messed up inside because of his inability to commit and the reaction I’d received from Ian many years ago. Still, that was no excuse.

  How did I know Zane wouldn’t have hated me for it and blamed me for messing up his life? If he couldn’t commit to and fight for us, I wasn’t sure he could commit to anything else.

  Sitting on the back porch, with my coffee in hand, I stared out at the beautiful mountain range and got lost in my thoughts. The fall colors seemed to touch the sky. It looked like a work of art—a painting with orange, red, and yellow colors swirled on the canvas with the most perfect strokes of a paint brush.

  Breathing in, I let the fresh air travel through my nose and welcomed the relaxing fragrance. The peaceful morning helped me gain the confidence I needed to prepare for coming clean to Zane. I wasn’t really sure how I was going to tell him, other than just letting it all out.

  My phone beeped.

  Zane: Sure, is everything okay?

  Me: Yes, I’ll see you at 1:00

  Going back inside, I joined my mom, dad, and kids in the dining room for an early lunch before they left for the park. I glanced at the clock and realized I only had a couple of hours before Zane would arrive. I scooped up everyone’s empty plates and headed toward the kitchen.

  “Are you okay, honey?” Mom asked as I put the plates in the dishwasher.

  “I don’t know honestly. Things have been so amazing with Zane since we’ve reconnected. I’m telling him today; I have to. He deserves to know.” I swallowed hard as I stared out the kitchen window.

  She sighed. “I’m proud of you, sweetie. You’ll be okay. Keep in mind that it could go either way. Just don’t expect a happy ending.” She gave me a kiss on my cheek and placed a hand on my arm. “You’ve got all of us in your corner. Be honest with him and talk from your heart.” She hugged me then headed out of the kitchen, leaving me there with nothing but my thoughts.

  “Bye Mommy!” Alayna yelled as she jumped into my arms and hugged me goodbye.

  “Bye, peanut. You and brother be good for Nana, okay?” I put her down and watched her skip out the door with my mom.

  “Bye, Mama,” Dylan said, giving me a big hug and kiss.

  “Dylan, I love you so much,” I said, hugging him tight against my chest and trying not to cry. “Be good for Nana, okay?”

  He gave me a smile that reminded me too much of his dad. His real dad. “Yes, ma’am, bye.”

  He ran out the door, and I watched them all get into the car and leave.

  I quickly showered and got ready for Zane’s arrival.

  An hour later, I was pacing the floor, searching for the words I was going to say when he arrived. But nothing seemed to come out the way I wanted it to when I said it aloud. I really hoped my babbling would make sense.

  The doorbell made me jump.

  He’s here.

  He stood at the front door looking more handsome than ever in his khaki cargo pants and a dark-blue polo shirt that hugged his biceps. He took his sunglasses off when he noticed me and a sly smile spread across his lips.

  Oh…why is this so hard? Breathe Chesney.

  I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  I threw myself into his arms, breathing in his scent and savoring every moment of feeling him in my arms. I wasn’t sure how the day was going to go, so I wanted to hang onto the moment, in case I never got the chance again.

  “Whoa, I missed you, too,” he said, pulling my face to his, kissing me…making me weak in the knees.

&nbs
p; Breaking the kiss, I had to remember why I’d asked him here. It was time.

  I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry. “Come in, I have something I need to tell you.” I grabbed his hand, led him into the living room, and motioned for him to sit on the couch.

  He tipped his head to the side and eyed me curiously. “Chesney, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

  Breathe, Chesney. Just breathe.

  I shook my hands nervously. “Okay first, I have to say I love you so much, and I’m so thankful you’ve come back into my life. I want you to listen to me until I’m finished and let me get everything out.”

  Taking a deep breath, I sat beside him and grabbed his hands. It was now or never.

  “When you came back from your deployment and I was gone, the reason was because I received a medical discharge and was sent back home.” I started shaking like a leaf while trying to find the words. The sick feeling in my stomach worsened, and I started to feel light-headed.

  I continued, “The reason I received a medical discharge was because I was pregnant,” I said with a pause, searching his face for some kind of reaction.

  When he didn’t react, I blurted out, “I was pregnant with Dylan. Zane, Dylan is your son.” As soon as it was out, a wave of emotions engulfed me and tears streamed instantly down my face. “Please don’t hate me,” I pleaded.

  His eyes widened. His mouth was agape. The color drained from his face, and he looked hurt and confused.

  What have I done?

  I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly. Dylan is my son? Flashes of the picture I’d seen of him crossed my mind. Those bright-blue eyes. The blond hair.

  Holy shit.

  “What? But how?” I jerked my hands from hers, not believing what she was telling me.

  Her breathing sped up, and she gulped. “The night I came to the hangar while you were working, and we had sex? You didn’t use protection. We were both so caught up in the moment that neither of us realized it at the time.”

  She reached for me, but I stood up and pulled away from her. I started pacing the floor, trying to process that I had a son. Thinking back to that night, I remembered. That was the first time I hadn’t used a condom. She’d told me she loved me, my emotions were all over the place, and we just did it.

  Dammit. It can’t be true. I have a son?

  I ran my fingers through my hair, and my throat tightened with the emotion rising in my chest. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?” I choked out. “Why didn’t you say something before?”

  Her lower lip and chin trembled. “I’m so sorry, Zane, I never meant to hurt you. I knew you didn’t want kids. You wouldn’t even commit to me back then, let alone a family. Plus, you told me your job was so dangerous that you couldn’t be distracted while deployed. I wanted to tell you. I really did. I was scared, Zane!”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “What if I hadn’t come back? Were you ever going to tell me?” I stomped over to the wall, staring at all the framed photos of Dylan through the years.

  My son. I had a son this whole time. Growing up without me.

  She stood up and hugged her stomach. “Of course I would have! I’ve wanted to tell you from the beginning. I know keeping it from you was wrong, but in my own screwed up mind, I’d somehow convinced myself I was doing the right thing. The last time I told a man I was pregnant ended with me badly beaten and having a miscarriage.”

  I covered my mouth then dropped my hand back down to my side. “I can’t imagine what you went through back then, Chesney, but I’m not that guy. I would never hurt you, and you know that.”

  She was crying now and her shoulders heaved between sobs. “But you did hurt me, Zane. You left me!” she yelled with so much pain in her voice that I felt it in the pit of my stomach.

  Damn. She’s right.

  She sulked over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist, tears streaming down her face.

  I couldn’t even move. I was so angry at her for keeping him from me.

  I peeled her arms from around my waist and walked over to a photo of her, Dylan, and Alayna. I stared at the blue-eyed boy who was my son. I knew it was true. I frowned. A part of me had wondered when I saw the photos on her profile—deep inside I already knew.

  The anger I was feeling was replaced with acceptance. “I have a son,” I breathed as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I have a son.”

  I started to think about all the birthdays and holidays I’d missed all because I didn’t know he existed!

  “I can’t do this, Chesney,” I said as I spun around and barreled out the door, leaving her sobbing in the middle of the room.

  “Zane, wait, please,” she called after me as I jumped in my truck, started the engine, and sped away as fast as I could. Looking into my rearview mirror, I could see her in the yard crying as she dropped to her knees and held her face in her hands.

  I drove to a nearby lake, parked my truck, and sat there, staring into the unknown, trying to figure out how I was feeling and what I was going to do next. I had to leave Chesney before I said something I may regret later on.

  How could she do this to me? Keep something like this from me for all these years? I have a seven-year-old son I’ve never even met.

  Pounding my hands on the steering wheel, I shouted out in frustration as I thought about all the years Chesney had stolen from me by not telling me about him. The night she’d come to my work also replayed in my head. She was right. We’d been so caught up in the moment that I hadn’t even thought about using protection. It wasn’t her fault that she got pregnant; I was as much at fault as she was.

  So many thoughts were spiraling through my mind.

  One second, I was angry with Chesney, and the next, I felt sorry for her. She’d had to go through the pregnancy and each year after that without me. I know she didn’t hide Dylan from me to intentionally hurt me, but that didn’t change the fact that I’d just found out I have a son.

  Checking my phone, I had five missed texts and three missed calls from Chesney. No matter how angry I was with her, I had to man up and learn how to be a father. I owed it to Dylan to do whatever I could to get involved in his life and get to know him. Nothing that had happened was his fault.

  I typed out a message to Chesney.

  Me: Meet me at the overlook by the lake

  Dropping my phone in the seat beside of me, I got out of my truck and went to sit on the picnic table overlooking the water. I wasn’t really sure why everything had happened the way it had in my life, but I wanted to believe there was a reason for it, and I had to make sure I handled everything in a way that was beneficial to Dylan.

  “Zane?” Chesney’s voice broke through my thoughts. I hadn’t even noticed she’d pulled up.

  She timidly sat down at the picnic table on the bench opposite me. She looked scared of me. I’d never seen her look at me like that. No matter how angry I was with her, I still loved her. She sat there staring at me, afraid to speak.

  Taking a deep breath, I turned to her and looked into her swollen eyes.

  “I’m sorry I left like that. I’m so angry, though. How dare you keep him from me…that doesn’t mean I don’t still love you.” I cleared my throat and paused for a moment. “I need time to process everything, and I have a few questions. I want the truth no matter what.” I ran a hand through my hair trying to put my questions in order in my head.

  “Okay, whatever you need,” she said, sitting across from me with her hands in her lap.

  “Does he know about me?” The second the question left my lips I felt sick. Emotions were stirring again deep in the pit of my stomach as I waited for her answer.

  “Yes.” She nodded solemnly. “He’s never called my ex-husband ‘Daddy’, and he’s always known you are his father. He just knows he’s never met you. I’ve told him about you being in the military and living so far away,” she responded slowly. “I’ve showed him photos of us from when we were dating and told him stories about you. I’ve never wanted to hide
you from him, that wasn’t my intention, and I’ve never lied to him if he’s had questions about you.”

  I gave myself a moment to process her words. “Why not reach out sooner? With the way technology is today, there’s no reason you couldn’t have found me if you’d really wanted to,” I glanced back out over the water. It hurt to look her in the eyes.

  “I screwed up, I know that,” she said with a frown. “I guess as time went on, it was harder to figure out how to tell you. I had also hidden myself away from just about everyone because of how Chase affected us. Between being scared to tell you, and being depressed for so long…I don’t know. I guess, I just...There’s no excuse that will justify what I’ve done to you and Dylan. I get that.” She struggled to find her words. She reached across the picnic table, laying her hands on top of mine. “But, I hope we can work through this.”

  I tapped my foot quickly under the table, trying to tone down my anxiety and anger.

  I cut my eyes back to her. “I’ll never get the time back I’ve missed. His first steps, his first birthday, every holiday and birthday, thereafter, I’ve missed it all,” I said, throwing my hands up in front of me. “Dammit, Chesney!”

  “I’m so sorry, Zane. I never meant to hurt you,” she said, leaning forward over the table.

  I knew she was sorry. It didn’t change the situation, though, or how angry I was. “Tell me about him,” was all I managed to get out. I needed to concentrate on Dylan instead of how infuriated I was with Chesney.

  She lit up a little. “He’s such a wonderful kid. He has your eyes and smile. He’s so smart, always doing well in school. He’s well-mannered, and people are always commenting on how polite he is. He’s got such a kind heart, Zane. He’s always doing things to make other people happy.” She paused, and a small smile touched her lips as she spoke about him. I could tell she was a good mother.

  She continued, “He’s really into music and currently trying to learn how to play the guitar. He also has a horse at my mom’s house and loves to ride. You should see him up on that horse, so confident and happy,” she said, her shaky voice full of pride.