Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  “I want to meet him,” I said as my throat tightened with emotion.

  “Of course. Whatever you want,” she rushed to say. “I can have my mom drop him off now if you’d like.” She pulled out her phone. “They’re not far from here.”

  Sitting there for a minute, watching her with her phone in her hand, I internally struggled with what to do. Was it too soon? Could I handle meeting him right now? How would he react? What if he didn’t like me? What if he was angry with me? What if I confused him more?

  Too much time had already passed, so I decided it was now or never.

  “Okay.” I stood up from the table and walked down toward the water below. I was going to meet my son. For the first time.

  Hell.

  I looked back and saw Chesney standing up from the table, pacing with the phone to her ear.

  He was a kid. My kid. How was I supposed to act around him? What was I supposed to say? I’d never been so damn terrified in my life.

  After Chesney got off the phone, I made my way back up to the picnic table and sat down.

  She headed back to me, her eyes hopeful. “Okay, they’re on their way. My mom will drop Dylan off and take Alayna back home with her.” She kneeled down beside of the bench I was sitting on. “Zane, please look at me.”

  I looked at her and could see the hurt in her eyes. As angry and nervous as I was, I couldn’t imagine how she’d felt for so many years knowing what she’d done.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I can’t say that enough. Tell me what to do to help you through this.” Her brown eyes were pleading with me, as the sun bounced off her dark hair, making her look angelic. How could I be so angry and in love at the same time?

  I shook my head, feeling a little lost. “I can’t tell you because even I don’t know what’ll help me, to be honest. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I’m glad you finally told me. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy raising him without me.” It was all I could say because I needed to prepare to meet him. I stood up and started pacing as I waited for Dylan to arrive.

  About ten minutes later, a silver van pulled into the parking lot. “They’re here.” Chesney stood up and wiped her eyes. She took a few deep breaths and plastered a fake smile on her lips as Dylan jumped out of the van and ran into her arms.

  “Hey, champ, come over here. I need to talk to you.” She guided Dylan over to the edge of the water and sat with him on a giant rock.

  He glanced at me over his shoulder briefly. My heart dropped as I stared into those undeniable blue eyes. He looked just like me.

  “What’s wrong, Mama?” Dylan asked as he brought his little hand up to cup my face.

  “Nothing, baby. I’m fine. I need to ask you something, okay?” I looked into his oh-so-familiar bright eyes and smiled a comforting smile for him.

  “Okay.” He slid onto my lap and put his little arms around my neck, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  I took a deep breath. “Do you remember when I told you your daddy was in the military and stationed really far away?” I asked, kissing him gently on the cheek.

  Hold back the tears, Chesney. Don’t do it. Don’t you dare cry.

  “Yes, ma’am, I remember,” he replied.

  “Well, how would you feel about meeting him today?” I asked with a smile, tears forming in my eyes.

  “Really?” His eyes widened at me, curious and wanting. “Do you want me to meet him?”

  “I’d love for you to meet him, sweetie, but only if you want to. It’s okay if you’re not ready. This is all kind of sudden,” I reassured him. This was his decision, not ours.

  He nodded, looking a little nervous but ready like a kid waiting to meet his favorite superhero. “I want to meet him, but will you stay with me?” he asked.

  “Of course. I’ll be by your side the whole time.” I ran a hand over his still-baby-soft head of blond hair.

  He hugged me. “Okay then, let’s go.”

  Watching the two of them by the water, I knew she was preparing him. The thought had crossed my mind that he may not want to meet me. I had to be prepared for that as well.

  Dylan stood up and reached out his hand to Chesney, and they both started toward me. Chesney looked up, and her eyes caught mine. She flashed a reassuring smile and walked up in front of me. Kneeling down in front of Dylan, I gave him a smile. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

  “Dylan, this is your dad, Zane,” Chesney said to him then to me, “Zane, this is your son, Dylan.”

  My eyes widened as I took him in. It was like staring into a mirror. There was no denying this child was mine.

  I cleared my throat. “Hi, Dylan.” I smiled and reached my hand out to him.

  He stood there in his dinosaur shirt and blue jeans, his sandy blond hair cut much like mine and those eyes much like mine staring at me. He tilted his head as he studied me. I wondered what was going through his mind.

  He sprung forward catching me off guard, wrapped his arms around my neck, and gave me the biggest hug.

  Chesney gasped and brought her hand to her mouth. I looked up at her and could see tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t expecting that either and was as surprised as I was by his reaction.

  My heart raced as I felt my son’s arms around my neck for the first time. Stunned, I was a little delayed in my reaction to him. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the top of his head without even thinking. It was a reaction that came naturally. I tried to swallow, but my throat was too tight and my eyes watered.

  “It’s nice to meet you, son,” I said in almost a whisper.

  “It’s nice to meet you too, sir.” He pulled away, smiling at me like he’d known me all of his life. “Wanna go to the water, so I can show you how to skip rocks?” he asked excitedly.

  He had a Southern drawl just like Chesney. I didn’t agree he had my smile. When he smiled up at me—that was all Chesney.

  I chuckled, starting to relax. “Yeah, buddy, let’s go.”

  Moments before I’d met Dylan, I was so nervous, but now, it was hard to explain—like I’ve loved him my whole life without even knowing it. I’d never felt that kind of love before. No matter how much time had passed, I loved my son.

  My son.

  He turned to Chesney. “Mama, are you coming, too?”

  Chesney looked at me and then back down at him. She placed her hand on his shoulder. “How about I walk down there with you, and then I’ll sit on the big rocks over there and watch you?” she asked, pointing in that direction.

  “Okay,” he replied happily. And then he grabbed me by the hand and pulled me toward the water’s edge.

  Watching Dylan show Zane how to skip rocks on the water made me laugh. I’d kept the secret for so long that I didn’t really know how to feel now that it was out in the open. It made me happy to see them interacting like this, though.

  “Let me show you; you do it like this,” I heard Dylan call to Zane as he skipped another rock across the smooth surface.

  “How do you do that?” Zane asked, perplexed, as his rock landed in the water with a plop.

  “It’s okay that you don’t know how to do it yet; you’ll have to practice,” Dylan said, skipping another rock across the water and giggling as Zane stood there in disbelief.

  For the first time in a long time, a genuine laugh bubbled up. My heart was so full. It was overflowing with the love I had for both of them.

  After they’d spent a couple hours of father and son bonding time at the lake, it was time to leave and head home.

  “I had a lot of fun playing with you today,” Dylan said to Zane, hugging his waist.

  Zane put his hands on Dylan’s back and gave him a squeeze. “I had a lot of fun playing with you, too.”

  Dylan bounced with anticipation. “Will I see you again?” he asked with a hopeful cadence.

  “Of course you will,” Zane said, kneeling down and putting his hands on both of Dylan’s arms. “I promise you I’m going to call you ever
y chance I get, and soon, I will be moving here for good to be with you, your mom and Alayna, okay?” Zane pulled him into one more hug and closed his eyes to absorb the moment.

  “Okay good. Here you go.” Dylan held out his hand to give him something, and Zane opened his hand under Dylan’s.

  “Now you can practice.” Dylan dropped a rock into Zane’s hand. Then, he gave a quick, “Bye,” and ran off to get in the car.

  “Bye, Dylan,” Zane called after him as he closed his hand around the rock and squeezed it tightly.

  He blew out a sharp breath then turned to face me. I could tell he was overwhelmed.

  “I have to go now.” I glanced between Zane and the car with Dylan inside.

  He tucked the rock into his pocket and grabbed my hands. “Thank you for this, Chesney. Thank you for letting me meet him. Today has been the most confusing yet gratifying day of my life.” He pulled me in for a tight hug and relief flooded over me as he held me in his arms. Feeling his touch again and knowing he didn’t hate me was a wonderful feeling.

  I pulled away from him and looked into his watery eyes. “We’re going to get through this. Together,” I said softly before turning to walk away.

  I watched Chesney pull away. Dylan turned around and looked at me through the window. He threw his little hand up in the air and waved goodbye.

  Pulling one of my hands out of my pocket, I waved back and watched them disappear around a curve.

  With a sigh, I got in my truck, gripped the steering wheel with both hands and took it all in. In the past three hours, my entire life had changed. Finding out I had a son had really put things into perspective.

  The funny thing was, I’d never wanted children. The thought of ever being a father had never crossed my mind in the past. Maybe part of that was the responsibility, and the other part was not wanting to have to deal with the woman I knocked up for the rest of my life.

  I surprised the hell out of myself with the way I’d felt meeting Dylan, though. It was nothing like I’d expected. He was an awesome kid, and Chesney was a great mom. If I had to have a child with a woman, she was the best choice for sure.

  Starting up the truck, I pulled out of the parking lot onto the road. My next stop was back to my mom and dad’s house to let them know they were grandparents again. This would make their third grandchild. As much as they loved my niece and nephew, I knew they would love Dylan and Alayna as well.

  I still couldn’t believe what was happening. I let out a long breath, letting it soak in.

  Wow, I’m a freaking dad.

  IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE Zane was leaving to go back to finish his deployment. He took me and the kids out to a nice dinner. The past week had been marvelous, watching him and Dylan get to know each other. He was so good with Alayna—with both of them. Even though Alayna wasn’t his daughter, he treated her the same as he did Dylan.

  Remembering Zane on the floor with Alayna as she’d served him tea in a tiny, pink cup made me laugh. She even put her beloved princess crown on his head, which she’d never let anyone else wear. He’d been such a good sport, and I’d never laughed so hard in my life. He truly was the epitome of the perfect man. Even if things didn’t work out with us, I knew he would be an amazing dad—no doubt about that.

  Thinking back on the time we’d first met and how guarded he’d been made me thankful he wasn’t the same person. He was different; he’d changed. I was relieved I hadn’t given up on him so many years ago when everyone else had been telling me to walk away.

  Zane may have had a rocky past, but his future was looking even brighter by the minute, and I was hoping to be a part of it.

  It was hard to believe, but I loved him more now than I did back then. And I was pretty sure he loved me the same. Finally, I was worth changing for.

  Zane had told his parents about me and Dylan, and they were actually elated with the news. At first, they were shocked and upset with me, which was expected. But once we sat down and actually talked, they welcomed me and both kids with open arms.

  Zane took us over to their house to meet them. They were both so kind to me and the kids while we were there. His parents were spectacular and exactly the way I’d imagined from the stories Zane had told me. They lived in a beautiful log cabin not far from the Blue Ridge Parkway. It was gorgeous and pretty much my dream home. The view was euphoric, and I hadn’t wanted to leave because it was so cozy.

  After we left his parents, Zane dropped us off back at my mom’s, so he could go pack.

  Zane: Can I see Dylan before I head out, and will you take me to the airport?

  Reading his text for a second time, a sadness washed over me. He was going to be leaving, again, just when things were going so well. I knew it was going to be hard making this work, but I also knew that, with a love like ours, anything was possible.

  So much had happened in such a short time, yet it felt like he’d been home for months. We’d spent every single day together since we’d first reconnected that night at the fair. But I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He still had another few months before we would see him again.

  Me: Yes, of course. Have your parents bring you by here early, and then I’ll take you to the airport.

  Zane: Okay, see you in the morning.

  I didn’t get any sleep last night. I tossed and turned while thinking about saying goodbye to Zane. My stomach was in knots as I looked up at the clock and watched the second hand jump from one black dot to the next. Zane and his parents would be here any moment. Checking myself in the mirror, one last time, I blotted my lipstick, sprayed hairspray on my loose curls, and gave myself a small pep-talk.

  You’re gonna be okay; you can do this.

  The doorbell rang as I stepped out of the bathroom.

  “Zane’s here!” Dylan yelled as he ran down the stairs to open the door.

  “Hey, you,” Zane said as Dylan ran up and gave him a big hug.

  “What’s that?” Dylan asked pointing to a bag Zane’s mom was carrying.

  “I brought you, your sister, and your mom some gifts,” he said, looking over his shoulder at his mom.

  “Yes! Presents! Alayna, Zane’s got presents!” Dylan yelled as he ran through the house to get her.

  “Come on in, y’all.” I motioned for them to go take a seat in the living room. “It’s so good to see you again,” I said, hugging his mom and dad as they walked past.

  “It’s good to see you, too, dear,” his mom said, giving me a squeeze.

  “Zane. May we have our presents now, please?” Dylan begged as he came running through the house practically dragging Alayna behind him.

  “Pwesents!” Alayna chirped.

  “Well-mannered kids, I see,” Zane’s dad, Jake, teased, nodding his head at me.

  “Oh, yes, of course. Is there any other way?” I smiled politely.

  “I’m proud of you. They’re good kids.” Zane glanced at me with such pride that my heart swelled with even more love than I’d thought was possible. Other than my family, no one had ever told me they were proud of me for the way I’d raised my children. It was…nice.

  “Okay, Alayna, this is for you.” Zane pulled an Air Force bear out of the bag and handed it to her.

  “Eeeeek! Mommy, wook, a bear! I wove teddy bears!” Alayna ran over to show it to me.

  “It’s wonderful. Now, what do you say to Zane?” I reminded her.

  “Tank you, Zane!” She ran over to give him a hug.

  Wrapping his arms around her tiny body, he gave her a hug back and smiled. “You’re welcome.”

  Alayna informed us the bear’s name was Dusty, and they had a tea party to get ready for; then, she ran off to her bedroom.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at Zane playfully. “Do you have a collection of stuffed bears just lying around?”

  He threw his hands up in the air. “Okay, you caught me.” He shrugged. “It was actually for my niece, but I can always get her another one,” he laughed.

  Dylan stood in fr
ont of Zane waiting patiently for his gift. “For you,” Zane said as he reached into the bag and gave Dylan a meaningful look. His face grew serious as he bent down in front of him with his hand still lingering in the bag. “What I’m going to give you is very important, okay?” He took out a beaded chain and hung it around Dylan’s neck. There was a silver dog tag hanging from it.

  My breath hitched as I watched. I wasn’t sure if Dylan knew how truly special that was, but I did, and it meant the world to me.

  Dylan wrapped his fingers around the dog tag in awe. “Cool! It’s like I’m in the Air Force…like you,” he said to Zane with a toothy grin.

  “This is my dog tag, so when I’m gone, if you ever miss me, just look at it and know I’m always with you,” he explained.

  Dylan gave Zane a mature nod looking like a mini version of his dad. “I love it. I’ll take good care of it, I promise!” Dylan threw himself into Zane’s arms and gave him a hug. “Thank you.”

  Zane whispered to him, “Listen, you know I have to go back and finish my deployment, but I’ll try to call every chance I get.” He glanced over at me and then back at Dylan. “Do me a favor and take care of your mom while I’m gone, okay?”

  “Yes, sir. I can do that,” Dylan whispered back and gave him a high-five.

  Zane’s mom reached out and grabbed my hand as I teared up watching them. I gave her hand a squeeze.

  “I’m going to miss you,” Dylan frowned.

  “I’m going to miss you, too,” Zane said before pulling him into a hug then sending him off to play with Alayna.

  “Well, son, your dad and I have to go now,” Julia said, embracing Zane and giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Please stay safe and call when you can.”

  “I will, Mom,” he smiled reassuringly.

  “We love you.” Jake gave him a hug and pat on the back.

  “I love you both, too. See you in a few months,” Zane said as they both walked out the door and got into their car.

  “Thank you,” I said as Zane came closer and brushed his body against mine, pushing my back against the wall.