Love Him Back

by Kris Nacole

  Her skin was as smooth as silk. I wanted to take her as quickly as possible, but I held back. I wanted to feel every single movement of our connection, and I didn’t want to rush it. I wanted the feeling to last as long as possible. As I buried myself inside of her, our eyes connected, and the look of love and lust staring back at me made it so hard to hold on. It’d also been a while since…

  I was losing control watching her. I picked up the pace and thrust harder into her. She squirmed under me, her face flushed and her eyes closed. Her lips parted as she breathed heavily, and a moan escaped them. Damn, I’d missed hearing the sounds she makes during sex. Knowing I was the one who made her feel this way made me feel powerful.

  Her hands gripped the bed sheet, and I could feel her tighten around me. Even after being apart for so long, I still knew her body well enough to know when she was close.

  “Zane, please,” she cried out, wrapping her legs around my waist—pulling me deeper into her.

  And right on cue, her body trembled around mine and pulsated with her release.

  Shit.

  That was it. One last thrust, and I was right there with her.

  Both of us breathing heavily, I rolled onto my back beside her and stared up at the ceiling. She rolled over, exhausted, and nestled her head into my chest, throwing one arm and leg across my body.

  “I love you,” she whispered as she fell asleep in my arms.

  I love you, I thought. But I couldn’t ignore the other voices in my head telling me I wasn’t worthy of her love. I was so messed up inside. She had no idea. I was going to ruin her—destroy her. She deserved better, but I was too damn selfish to let her go.

  I woke up in an empty bed. I blinked at the clock. The bright, red numbers read twenty, fifty-four. I must’ve fallen asleep after Zane and I had made love. I was exhausted, and to be honest, I hadn’t felt so at ease in months. A nap was exactly what I’d needed.

  The smell of garlic and rosemary filled my nose, and my stomach began to growl. After crawling out of bed, I slipped into my clothes and headed down the hallway toward the kitchen. Alayna was circling the dining room table and placing plates, forks, and napkins at each seat. Zane’s mom and dad were dancing in the kitchen as they prepared something that smelled heavenly, making my mouth water.

  “Well, hello there,” Julia said when she noticed me in the hallway. “Dinner’s almost ready. Zane’s outside on the back porch talking with Dylan.”

  I walked to the back door and cracked it slightly. Zane and Dylan were laughing about something. I watched as Zane wrapped his arm around Dylan, putting him in a headlock. “Now let’s go eat! I’m starving.”

  As they both turned and saw me, I stepped outside onto the back porch and shivered—it was freezing.

  Dylan giggled and rushed back inside to get washed up for dinner.

  Zane crowded me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me against his rock hard, muscular body. “You better watch out, I’m hungry,” he growled into my ear, his warm breath against my skin making me quiver. Then he added, “For food…can’t you hear my stomach grumbling?” he laughed.

  “You’re so evil,” I grinned. “That was uncalled for.”

  “I’ll make it up to you later.” He winked over his shoulder. “Right now, I need to eat, so I’ll have enough energy to keep you up tonight. I hope your nap was enough because you won’t be getting much sleep,” he said with a sexy grin as he turned to step back inside.

  Dinner was delicious, and toward the end, there was a moment of silence when Dylan stood up and walked over to where Zane was sitting.

  “Dad?” he said. “I’m so glad you’re back from fighting the bad guys.”

  I looked over at Zane in shock. I took in a deep breath and smiled. Zane had a look of pure elation.

  He called him dad.

  “I’m glad too, son,” Zane said, wrapping his arms around Dylan.

  Dylan went back over to his seat and finished eating. Zane put his hand on mine under the table and gave it a squeeze.

  I no longer felt like a part of me was missing with Zane around. He completed our family, and I loved him more than I’d ever loved any man. He was it for me. The one.

  Julia stepped into the kitchen trying to find a container to put the leftover food in when a loud clang rang through the room as some pots and pans fell out of the cabinet and crashed to the floor. Zane shot up out of his seat, looking panicked. His eyes scanned the room frantically, and his breathing became labored. His body seemed to tremble with fear. Then he jumped again as his mom accidentally slammed the cabinet door a little too hard.

  I frowned at him. I’d never seen him like this. “Are you okay?” I asked, standing to put my hand on his arm.

  Jerking away from my touch, he responded brusquely, “I’m fine,” and turned to exit the room. A moment later, I heard his bedroom door slam shut, which made us all jump.

  “What happened?” Julia asked, poking her head around the corner.

  “I’m not sure, really,” I said, making a mental note to find out.

  He definitely wasn’t acting like himself. At the homecoming he’d had a refrained look in his eyes, and now he’s jumping at loud noises and going from happy one minute to slamming doors the next. Something was going on with him. I just wasn’t sure what.

  Around eleven Zane’s parents took the kids to their hotel on base and let Zane and I have some more alone time. I hadn’t spoken to him since he’d stomped off, but since I heard him in the shower, I decided to clean up the kitchen.

  The kitchen was almost spotless, and I was loading the dishwasher when Zane came up behind me, startling me. He pulled my hair to one side, off my neck, and started kissing and biting my skin seductively.

  “Why’re you cleaning right now?” he asked between kisses.

  What in the world was up with him? Less than an hour ago, he was so angry he ran off to the bedroom. Now he was being sweet and sexy?

  Maybe he’s just moody from having to readjust to life back home. I’ve heard that happens. Often readjusting isn’t easy.

  “That’s a good question,” I answered, turning to wrap my arms around him. “I thought you were taking a shower.”

  “Correction. We’re going to take a shower,” he said, pulling me toward the master bathroom.

  I gulped as I remembered the last time we’d been in his shower together and how that had ended. We both quickly undressed, and my body was buzzing with anticipation as I stepped under the hot spray of water. Zane closed the door behind us.

  “I hope you’re ready for round two, and three, and four.” He kissed me between each number, and each touch of his lips created a tug deep in my core.

  Life with Zane had always been so exciting in the past. One of the things I’d loved about him back then was that I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next.

  I couldn’t exactly guarantee our future because nothing in life was guaranteed, but the one thing I did know—it was going to be one hell of a ride.

  I LOVED BEING IN ZANE’S arms again after being apart for so long. With my head on his chest, I could hear the soothing sound of his heartbeat. Looking up at the clock on the bedside table, the time read zero-two-thirty-six.

  Slowly rolling to the other side of the bed, I slid out being careful not to wake him. My body was sore because of how many times we’d made love. I was reminded of it all with every step I took.

  The house was so dark and quiet. Walking down the hallway, I went into the kitchen to get a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. After the night I’d had with Zane, I needed a gallon to replenish what I’d worked off during two, three, four, and five…I swooned as I thought about each time we’d made love.

  Smiling, I sipped on my bottle of water and sleepily walked back to the bedroom. Stopping in the doorway, my stomach sank as I watched Zane in bed. He seemed to be having a nightmare. The room was dark, but with the soft glow of the fire crackling across the room, I could see him th
rashing around. He was clenching the sheets, throwing his head back and forth, his face wincing in pain.

  Then out of nowhere, he started yelling, “Go! Go now! Jones!”

  As I neared the bed, I could see beads of sweat forming on his forehead and his chest heaving as he sucked in air, trying to breathe.

  “Zane?” I shook him, worried. “Babe?”

  “No, please no, not yet,” he cried out, grabbing the blanket in his hands and twisting it tightly. “Help! Help now!”

  I swallowed back my anxiety as I watched him. What was he remembering? “Zane, honey, you’re having a bad dream. Wake up.” I shook him again.

  “Ahhhh!” Zane yelled as he jolted up in bed, grabbed me by my wrists, jumped on top of me, and held me down so I couldn’t move.

  “Zane! You’re hurting me,” I cried into the darkness. My heart raced as I looked up at the man who had been making love to me a couple of hours ago. Why was he now hurting me?

  “Zane! Please!” I pleaded as tears slid down my cheeks onto the sheet below me.

  Zane’s eyes were open, but it wasn’t him staring back at me. His eyes were dark and cold.

  What’s going on? What did I do? What’s happening?

  Struggling beneath him, I managed to pull my right leg up and knee him in the thigh. “Zane! Why’re you doing this?”

  It was as if a light switch had been flipped in that moment. Zane abruptly loosened his grip on me, sat back on his heels, and gave me the most devastating look. Quickly moving up, I pressed my back into the headboard and pulled my knees to my chest, staring at him in disbelief.

  “Chesney, I…I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching out to touch me.

  Jerking away, I looked at him so hurt and confused. “Don’t touch me.”

  With a frustrated grunt, Zane jumped out of bed, quickly put on his shirt and shorts, and headed out the door. The slamming of the door behind him made me flinch.

  Sitting there in the silence, I heard his truck roar to life, and he was gone. He had left me there confused, shaking, and alone. I forced myself to stand on shaky legs; then, I walked to the bathroom, closed the door, and tried to comprehend what had happened. Looking down, I traced the red marks on my wrists, remembering the look in his eyes as he towered over me, holding me down, hurting me.

  What happened? And why would he want to hurt me?

  This wasn’t my Zane. Something was different about him.

  Throwing the truck into drive, I sped out onto the dark, twisted road, nothing but my headlights spilling out over the concrete ahead. I gripped the steering wheel, my heart racing and anger pulsing through my veins. I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to end up. The roads were empty, and the darkness swallowed me as I drove.

  What the hell was I thinking? I should’ve never fallen asleep with Chesney in my bed. I knew better. I’d planned to slip out and sleep on the couch once she’d fallen asleep. I didn’t need her to see how screwed up I was inside. The nightmares kept coming, one after the other, and I couldn’t do anything about them. I wanted more than anything to make them stop, to stop having so much anxiety every time I closed my eyes. To stop reliving that moment over and over again.

  I rounded a sharp curve going almost seventy miles per hour. My tires squealed as I came out of the turn. I could push the gas pedal to the floor and end it all right now. All of the guilt would disappear, and the nightmares would stop. I looked ahead at a large tree by the side of the road and imagined driving into it head-on…ending it all.

  Not only had I put my hands on Chesney, but I’d left her there alone and frightened.

  I’m such an asshole.

  I slammed on the brakes and swerved to miss the tree. Breathing heavily, I slammed my head back on the headrest and made a decision. It was time to man up. I turned my truck around and headed back home. I had to face this—whatever it was. I couldn’t run from it anymore.

  I don’t want to run.

  Pulling back into the driveway, I turned my truck off, leaned my head back against the seat, and took a few deep breaths. There were so many thoughts going through my head. What was I going to say to Chesney? What if I had really hurt her? What if she wasn’t still there and had decided to leave me? Maybe that would be a good thing.

  It was so quiet in the house. Throwing my keys on the table by the door, I kicked my shoes off and started toward the bedroom. I could hear the shower running in the bathroom. The door was barely cracked and steam was rolling out.

  “Chesney?” I said as I stepped into the bathroom.

  She was sitting on the bench in the shower below the stream of hot water. My t-shirt was soaked and clung to her body. Her head was down, and she was sobbing while rubbing her wrists.

  “Chesney,” I breathed, stepping inside the shower with her. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”

  She looked up at me, her eyes red and swollen. Her dark hair was wet and clung to her cheeks.

  I did this to her. Me.

  Turning the shower off, I squatted down in front of her and started to take her hands in mine.

  “Don’t, Zane. Don’t you dare touch me,” she said, jerking back. The look in her eyes was pure terror.

  She was scared of me. Fuck.

  I remembered her telling me about her ex and how he used to beat her so badly he’d caused her to have a miscarriage. And now she was scared of me because I’d hurt her. The one person she never thought would hurt her. I never wanted to hurt Chesney. I loved her. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed her like I needed air to breathe. She was my life, the air that filled my lungs.

  Backing away, I sat down on the slippery floor across from her and leaned against the wall. “Chesney, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. There’s just so much going on with me right now and—”

  “Stop it, Zane. Please…I want to be alone,” she interrupted, looking back down at her hands in her lap. She traced circles on her wrists with her fingertips.

  “I did that to you?” I glanced guiltily at the red splotches.

  My God. What have I done?

  The scary part was I didn’t remember. All I remembered was falling asleep and then waking up on top of her, with her crying and screaming at me. It all happened so fast and my mind was a blur. It was just now starting to really hit me, what had happened.

  She stood up, grabbed a towel off the rack by the door and headed back into the bedroom. She was ignoring me. Not that I blamed her.

  After a few minutes, I decided to try one more time to talk to her. I had to know where her head was. Her silence was driving me crazy.

  She was sitting on the side of the bed, wrapped in nothing but a towel. Kneeling down in front of her, I looked up into those swollen, chestnut eyes, and my heart ripped into a million tiny pieces. I’d never been this concerned over how a woman was feeling.

  “Why?” She stared at me with such hurt and confusion. “Why would you want to hurt me like that?”

  I swallowed hard, feeling helpless. “Baby, I swear I never wanted to hurt you. I would never hurt you intentionally. You know me better than that especially knowing you were abused in the past.” I gently grabbed her hand and rubbed her wrists with my fingertips.

  “Yes, I thought I did know you, but now I’m not so sure. What’s going on?” Her voice was almost a whisper. “This is your homecoming; we’re supposed to be okay, but we’re far from okay.”

  I paused for a moment thinking through what I had to tell her. “There are things that happened to me on this deployment. Really bad things that messed with my mind. I know that’s no excuse, but I don’t know what else to say.” I stood up and paced to the other side of the room.

  “See this? This right here is exactly why I’ve always been so guarded when it comes to women, especially you. I’m bad for you, Chesney. I don’t deserve to be with you or anyone else. I deserve to be alone.” I ran my fingers through my hair and tugged on it in frustration.

  I tried not to lose it as I continued, �
�I told you from the very beginning that I was bad for you and that I didn’t do relationships. This is why.” The reality hit me like a slap in the face as soon as the words left my mouth. I’d been guarded for so long because I’d always feared something like this. Coming home from war all screwed up…

  Over the years, I’d tried to convince myself that it was because of my ex, but she was just an excuse—a crutch. The truth was, war had changed me, and I was scared of this happening. I’d seen it before but didn’t think it would happen to me—as long as I stayed in control and left my guard up.

  Shit.

  She stood up, and stalked toward me with an anger I’d never seen before. “Don’t you dare make this about you. You don’t have the right to tell me what’s bad for me. I’m a grown woman, and I make my own choices in life. I’ve told you from the beginning that I wanted to fight for us…that we deserve a chance to be happy, just like everyone else. You don’t get to run away every time things get hard. Running is not an option. You’re going to fight for us as hard as I’m fighting for us. You don’t get to give up, do you hear me?” she scolded.

  I stood there, stunned. Not really sure what to say as I was still internally struggling with the realization of why I was so afraid of letting my guard down for Chesney in the past.

  Reaching into her luggage, she pulled out a t-shirt and some shorts. I watched as she took a slow, deep breath and then started to get dressed. That woman was one of the toughest women I knew. I could tell she was trying so hard to pull herself together.

  “As far as your deployment, let me help you,” she continued, so much emotion in her voice. “Maybe if you talk about it, you can work through your issues, and it’ll make you feel better.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. “I can’t. I don’t want to talk about it, and I really wish you wouldn’t pressure me to.”