Divulged Secrets

by Larissa Ladd

  I opened my mouth to answer, but she carried on, her features lighting up, her expressions coming back as she went on talking.

  “I am not allowed to be with you; you know this. Even if you were human, you’d be off limits to me. But now. Do you think they’ll leave me alone, they’ll leave you alone? Besides that, they want me to be high priestess, and that means that if I don’t kill you now, I fail, I don’t do what is expected of me. Not only am I not worthy of that post, but I’m also betraying my coven.”

  “I didn’t know you wanted to be high priestess.”

  “I don’t.”

  So that’s what it was all about: Nema’s visits to me, her threats. They couldn’t get her to be their leader. The pieces fell in place now.

  “Look, Cherry—”

  “Don’t Cherry me, Devan. This can’t work.”

  “I don’t want to lose you.”

  Another one of those simple sentence that delivered a punch. She looked for a moment like she couldn’t breathe. Then the moment passed and the mask of nothing covered her face, the mask that was supposed to fool me into believing that she didn’t want this.

  “Don’t do this,” I said and took a step closer.

  She lifted her hands and something hit me with such a force that I flew into the wall behind me. My chest felt like it was squashed, I couldn’t breathe, and I saw her lips moving but the ringing in my ears was so loud I couldn’t hear the words. I just saw her face, a mixture of satisfaction and sorrow, a combination of who she wanted to be and who she was.

  She lifted her hands again, and this time I was ready for her. The force of her attack still pushed me back, but with my hands up, I was able to deflect it enough so that it didn’t hurt me. Her eyes stretched when she saw it.

  “You’re strong,” she said, almost involuntarily.

  “I don’t want to fight with you,” I said, holding my hands up. I meant it as a gesture of peace, to show her I meant no harm, but she took it the wrong way. She jumped back, nearly tripped over the bean bag, and the look of disbelief was quickly replaced with anger.

  She began arcing her arms in a semicircle from her hips to her head as she drew power from the ethers. I shuddered. She was stronger, a lot stronger than Nema. So strong I could feel it, and I was scared, genuinely scared. This could very well be the end for me.

  When her hands met each other above her head it was like time stopped. I could suddenly see through her, and a white light was forming in her hands, something that I knew instinctively was a bad thing.

  Just before she let it go, a look of regret and sorrow crossed her face. Her eyes were greener than green, like they were about to spill tears over her cheeks. Then she let go, and I saw a bright flash of light before everything went black.

  Chapter 8: Cherry –The Big Day

  “I’ll do it,” I said.

  I was standing in the semi-dark of the cave. The flames were burning in their torches all around us, crackling now and then. I was surrounded by all the witches, unable to read their faces. I didn’t concentrate to try and pick up what was in the atmosphere. I wasn’t strong and alert and ready to take them all on. I felt like I was dying inside.

  “What made you change your mind?” Nema asked. Her face was solemn, but in her eyes, I could see the relief that her fight was over, that finally she could do what she was wanted, finally she could step down.

  I didn’t answer her, and after a moment of waiting, she accepted that I wouldn’t answer.

  “You’re better off this way,” she said, assuming that it was about Devan. What would she know?

  I felt like I’d lost a part of me. There was a hole in my chest, like someone had ripped out my most vital organ. I was bleeding out, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  I hadn’t slept the night before. I felt like I was dead on my feet, my head ached dully and it felt like I was frozen. I couldn’t feel my hands, my feet walked where they did out of habit, and eating was something of the past.

  But there was nothing left to do. He was what he was. I couldn’t be with him; he was too good to be true and I had been a fool not to see it from the start. I had been a fool to love him. The whole idea of loving someone had scared me. When I’d known I was falling for him, I wanted to talk myself out of it; argued with myself over and over. But then he asked me to marry him, and his dark eyes were deep pools that promised the world, and I knew that there was only one thing I could say.

  And that had been a mistake. A mistake I would never make again.

  Love wasn’t for witches. The sooner I became high priestess the sooner a husband could be chosen for me based on his skill and strength, and I would have something else to focus on. It couldn’t be Devan anymore, and the sooner I forgot him the better off I would be, the sooner I wouldn’t feel like this anymore, like there was nothing left for me anymore.

  “Your inauguration will be a week from now,” Nema said, and the other witches murmured excitedly. “It will give you time to prepare.” She put her hand on my shoulder, a gesture of comfort, I supposed, but I felt nothing. There was no warmth or comfort that came with it. I couldn’t see how the same person who had hurt me so much, who had ripped everything I had ever had away from me, could still try to be kind to me.

  She turned and walked away. One by one, the witches slipped through the crack in the wall. I kept my eyes on the floor.

  “I’m sorry, Cherry.” Marlena came up to me, and her voice sounded like she really was.

  “Are you?’ I asked and I knew I sounded bitter. “That’s strange; I don’t remember you being sorry when you were with them to attack me.”

  “You would have done the same if it were me,” she said and held her palms out facing up, a gesture of innocence.

  “Actually,” I looked up at her, and she looked scared and like she was about to cry, “I wouldn’t have. You’re my sister, and I would never do that to you. You’re blood. I would never do that to any of the witches here.”

  “Don’t fool yourself, Cherry. What do you think will happen when you’re in charge and someone else does it? The same will happen, and you’ll be the one leading us all.”

  She left too, leaving me alone in the dancing light of the flames. Would I do it? Who was I? I didn’t know anymore. I’d always been so sure of what I wanted in life, of what was necessary and what wasn’t. But was Marlena right? What would I do if I were in charge and it was, let’s say, Rebecca who decided she wanted to step out of line? Probably the same.

  The realization hit me like someone had just thrown a bucket of ice cold water over me.

  I put out the torches, being the last to leave, and left the dark cave. On my walk home, I didn’t notice the warmth of the sun on my skin, or the green of the grass stretching to all sides. I didn’t feel the freedom I always did when I walked here. I didn’t feel the elation people usually felt with a promotion either.

  I had finally agreed to be the high priestess. I had finally “realized my potential,” but I had done it because I had run out of options; because the man I loved wasn’t a man, he was a fae, and it was my job to kill him; because it was who I was, and the sooner I accepted that, the quicker the pain of wanting something else and not getting it would finally disappear.

  I wasn’t who I wanted to be. But I was who I was born to be.

  The realization didn’t make me feel any better. I walked, knowing that I was the strongest now, that it was acknowledged, and that I had a week of peace left before the real fun started, before I would have to fight more, think about others more, have goals that I never wanted.

  It was a week that I would have to do alone, because Devan wasn’t in my life anymore. The sun had pulled behind the clouds and the wind started up, whipping my hair around my face. The clouds turned a darker shade of grey, promising rain, and the light dimmed until it reflected my mood.

  When I opened the front door, Kitten was in the living room. She weaved between my legs, rubbing herself against me. I blinked. S
he hadn’t done that since she was a kitten, since before she realized I was more dangerous than she thought was right. It was almost as if she were trying to comfort me.

  I bent down to stroke her, I wanted to take the opportunity while I still could, but before my hand reached her, she ran to the pantry door. She sat down in the doorway and mewed at me.

  “Traitor,” I said to her and then broke down in tears. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. She looked at me, as if she were worried but then disappeared when she realized that food wasn’t something that she was going to get soon.

  I sat down on the couch and covered my face with my hands, feeling the warm tears on my cheek, feeling the sobs rack my chest. I cried, feeling like I was shattered into a million pieces, like there wasn’t one part of myself that could be saved anymore.

  It was a dark week. The days passed, each of them looking the same. I didn’t go into work anymore and didn’t warn my boss that I wasn’t coming in. I ignored my phone when it rang, and after five days, I was sure the job wasn’t mine anymore. Even though the sun was shining outside, it felt like storm clouds had gathered in every room, and it threatened to rain all the time.

  I couldn’t eat; it felt like food sat in my throat when I did, and I felt nauseous afterward, as though there were so many emotions inside of me already that food was just filling it up more than it could take. Kitten wasn’t around often, only for her food, and I wondered why she still bothered to still stick around.

  “You can go anywhere you want, you know; you don’t have to keep coming back if you don’t love me.”

  I knew the words sounded bitter. They tasted bitter when I said them. She looked at me, blinking her eyes, leaning her head and neck back on her spine like she was going to fall asleep sitting up. It was because I was the only one who fed her; I knew.

  “You’re a user, you know that?” I asked, and she didn’t look at me with any kind of response.

  “That’s all it really is,” I thought out loud. “They don’t want me to lead them because they think I deserve it. They just want me there because they’re scared of me, and they’d rather make me the leader than the enemy. They’re cowards.”

  I decided that they were users too.

  The small path to the cave was muddy from recent rain when I walked it, and my feet sunk slightly into the ground. I felt like I was being sucked in, every step toward the cave holding me down tighter so that I couldn’t turn around, so that I couldn’t leave. There was no escaping now.

  I stepped through the rocks, pulling up my new cloak with my left hand as I did so, so it wouldn’t catch. We were all wearing them; it was inauguration and we had to be reverend, had to honor the day with what we wore.

  Nema was standing in the middle of the circle, and gestured for me to join her when I stepped in. I walked to her, feeling heavier with every step. The eyes of the other witches were on me, hope on their faces, a nice change from the fear or hatred they always showed when I was around.

  “This is a big day for you,” Nema said, and I nodded. I couldn’t bring myself to feel the weight of how important this all was. I felt like I was being chained, like I was willingly letting them put me in a cage, and I was asking them to throw away the key.

  The ceremony didn’t take long. Nema shortened it for my sake because she could see I felt like she was wasting my time. The necessary things were done, the authority was passed over, and when I left again I was high priestess. Nema was just another witch now, a witch who knew her place, and offered to be the last to leave the cave so she could put out the flames.

  I nodded. It didn’t feel great to be the head witch now. I didn’t feel the elation I thought I might feel once it was done, I didn’t feel my strength was finally put to good use. I felt the same I had felt since the day Devan and I had fought.

  I felt nothing.

  Chapter 9: Devan – Feeling Hollow

  I opened my eyes to a familiar room, my room when I was growing up, and to a familiar face. My mom smiled and stroked my cheek.

  “There we are,” she said and leaned back in her chair.

  “What happened?”

  I tried to remember why I was in my old bed at my parent’s house. It was the spare room now but it was still the bed I used to use.

  “What do you mean?” my mom asked, her eyes concerned even though she was still smiling. “Don’t you remember?”

  I shook my head.

  “You came here one night, looking like you were going to pass out, and soon after that you did. Your father called Harold and he came to take a look at you; said he couldn’t find anything wrong. The hospital said the same, so we kept you here.”

  I sat up, feeling like I’d had too much to drink. I looked at my wristwatch. It was mid-morning.

  Her face was in front of me, Cherry’s face with the big green sad eyes, the last thing I’d seen before she knocked me out with whatever that was.

  “How long have I been here?”

  “Two days,” my mom said. “Are you hungry? I’ll fix you something.”

  I wasn’t, but I was relieved when she left the room. Cherry hadn’t killed me. She could have; I knew that very well. When I guessed what she was, I never guessed that she was that strong. Whatever she did to me was meant to only incapacitate me, even though I knew that she should have killed me.

  High priestess, she’d said. Nema wanted her there, and if Nema, who was the high priestess before her I assumed, wanted that, then the rest of the coven wanted that.

  I sighed.

  I missed her. I ached for her, and knowing that she wasn’t mine anymore made me feel empty. I was hollow, and I could hear the beat of my heart echo through my body, beating for no one anymore.

  I left my parents’ house the same day. My mom was worried that I wouldn’t be okay, but my dad told her to let me go. He looked at me like he understood, and I shot him a grateful glance. My mom would have just made things harder.

  I walked down the street. My legs felt like lead and walking was a strain, but I needed to be alone. I needed to be outside, or at my own place. My mom said my neighbor was watching Alex, and I wanted to get home. He liked my neighbor, but he would be worried.

  My apartment felt like it always did, a quiet, untidy home. But it echoed with an emptiness that I hadn’t felt before. She hadn’t lived here; why did my home feel her absence just as much as I did?

  But she’d attacked me, I reminded myself. She’d said she would marry me, so, no doubt, she loved me. But the moment she’d found out what I was, she attacked me, and that meant something.

  Maybe she was right; maybe we couldn’t go against the laws of nature. Maybe we couldn’t help but be enemies, even if what we felt was real. But I kept asking myself how she managed to love me then, when she didn’t know I wasn’t human.

  It took a few days for me, feeling like I did, walking around like a zombie, lifeless and aimless. I went through my usual routines, going to work, coming home, walking Alex, but it was pointless now. I struggled to sleep for hours every night and I woke up every morning feeling worse than I did the morning before.

  After a week, I was sick of it. I was sick of myself feeling this way, being this way.

  “Did you even like her?” I asked Alex one afternoon when he lay by my feet. He pricked his ears when he heard I was talking, but did nothing more.

  “Well, I liked her,” I said, still talking to him because it seemed better than talking to myself, “I liked her and I didn’t want her to be the enemy. It worked, didn’t it? In the beginning, when none of this had happened yet. Why did it work?”

  I sighed.

  Chapter 10: Cherry – Knock on the Door

  I sat on the couch. A musical was playing on the television but the sounds were annoying me so I muted it. I looked at the muted people on the screen, their movements ridiculous now that the purpose was silenced out.

  I heard a knock on the door. I frowned. Someone had come in without buzzing me, someone had slipped past whe
n the door was opened.

  I walked to the door.

  “Who is it?” I asked.

  “Devan.” His voice was muffled through the door. I froze. Could I face him right now? I didn’t even know what I would say.

  “Can I come in? I just want to talk to you,” he said when there was no reaction.

  I opened the door a crack and looked through. He stood on the landing, his hands jammed in his pockets. I had forgotten how handsome he was, how his dark eyes caught me under the windblown mop on his head.

  “I just want to talk, I’ll keep my hands in my pockets if that will make you feel better,” he said and wiggled his hands.

  I took a deep breath and stepped back, pulling the door open wider for him. He stepped in but didn’t go further into the apartment.

  “Look,” he said, “I get it; I shouldn’t have kept it from you. I’m sorry.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. He looked like he wasn’t done talking yet. I waited.

  “But be honest; you were wrong too.”

  There it was. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist biting at me.

  “Is that all you came here to say?” my voice was hard. Good.

  My insides were screaming. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist, push my face into his chest. I wanted him to hold me, to tell me it was going to be alright. But I wouldn’t.

  “No. I love you. Okay? And I know you’re wrong for me. I know we can’t be together. But if it’s all that bad, then why did it work so well before you knew what I was? Why did it feel so right?”

  “It wasn’t right. We were just ignorant.”

  “Yes, and you loved me even though I was a fae. You can feel things, can’t you? And you’re telling me you didn’t feel like this was what you wanted?”

  I looked down.

  “What do you want?” I asked, my voice softer. I was feeling my resolve break. I was feeling my hard mask of meanness slip away.