The Architect

by J. D. Lander

  “That sounds like fun,” Connor stated even though he really didn’t think meeting people was fun; it was more anxiety provoking. “Your cousin’s a spaz! I don’t think she’s the quiet type at all!” Alice chimed in. “Didn’t she bring friends with her the last time and your dad’s scotch went missing?”

  “She didn’t steal it! And her friends aren’t coming anyway,” Lydia shot back.

  “Ok, we’ll see…” Alice turned toward Connor. “Do you want to go to the mall after school?”

  “Sure.”

  At the local mall, Connor quickly realized the trip was not for Alice. Alice brought him into what seemed like an endless amount of stores, getting him to try on navy skinny jeans until a pair finally fit just right. She paired the jeans with a navy and green plaid button down. After the mall she dropped him home to change and off she drove to prepare for the night. Connor walked into the house to his parent’s sitting down to eat dinner.

  “Come eat before you do anything else. Foods hot,” Darcy informed him. Connor sat at the table and served himself a stuffed pork chop.

  “What are the bags you walked in with? Did you go to the mall?” John questioned.

  “I went with Alice. We are going out with some friends tonight and she wanted to make it special.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Just to Lydia’s house. We’re going to play board games. Her cousin is going to be there so she asked a bunch of us to come.”

  “Just remember you need to be home by midnight.”

  After eating, Connor headed upstairs and dressed in his new clothes. Feeling confident he even added gel to his hair and went for the messy look, as instructed by a Youtube video. He grabbed cologne samples from his drawer and gave each a sniff before deciding on a musky, manly smelling one.

  Alice texted Connor’s cellphone to let him know she was outside in her car. She didn’t want to run into his parents and have to lie. Lying was something Alice never did as it was against her core being. Manipulating the truth or omitting facts, however, was a gray area that she felt comfortable in. Connor came out the front door and hopped in the car, excited for a night of the unknown. “I told my parent’s I’m sleeping at Lydia’s house which is the truth. I figured I can walk you back if you need me.”

  “I never get drunk at parties anymore so I think I’ll be fine, but who knows with the week I’ve been having.”

  They pulled up to Lydia’s house, which was only a few blocks down the road. Despite being so close, the house was twice as large. The driveway was circular and the front door stood behind a great white arch with pillars flowing along the brick house front. The lights shining on the house’s face made it seem like it was waiting to greet them. For a moment it was quiet as they parked on the side of the house where the garages and a basketball court were located. When they opened their car doors the gentle vibrations of the walls could be heard, alluding to the power of the music within.

  They opened the side entrance and were immediately greeted by what seemed like their entire class. A keg was in the kitchen and red cups already colonized any surface in sight. A game of beer pong was being cheered for on the porch while a spill in the living room was being insufficiently cleaned up off the hardwood floor. Everyone hugged Alice and obligatorily hugged Connor right after. That, of course, only was true for the girls. The guys either shook Connor’s hand, fist bumped, or failed to acknowledge his presence. Connor preferred the latter.

  Alice pulled Connor by his hand through the crowd and straight to the keg. She poured them both a beer and they headed into the living room. Alice sat on the last remaining seat on the white leather sofa and joined in on the current topic: facial hair.

  Connor stood by the fireplace next to Alice but felt oddly distant. He was too nervous to say something in front of so many people and at the volume required for them to actually hear him. He stood there, sipping his drink and staring out at the rest of the party. Dylan was in the kitchen surround by his teammates. Two of them were racing against each other chugging beers. Dylan’s eyes met Connor’s for a moment but instead of looking away Dylan kept his eyes locked on Connor’s as he whispered to the boy next to him. The boy started immediately laughing and looked over at Connor.

  Connor felt the confidence that came with his new outfit sink into the floor. His eyes looked downward and he felt defeated. Before he could feel any more sorry for himself, Lydia smacked his arm. “Connor! You came! And you’re drinking!”

  “Yeah”

  “Well, I want to introduce you to my cousin Amy,” she stated as she moved to the side and pushed her cousin directly in front of Connor. Amy’s beer spilled gently over her cup’s rim and onto her hand. She shook the beer off. “Isn’t she so beautiful? Everyone in her family is so gorgeous. All the guys at her school are obsessed with her! Anyways, I’ll let you guys talk.”

  Connor stared at Amy and noticed her sandy blonde hair drifting down past her shoulders. Her eyes were a piercing blue, as if she had contacts enhancing their color. She was much shorter than Connor and stared back at him. Her red shirt dipped low enough that no imagination was needed to see where she was gifted.

  “My cousin Lydia is so crazy sometimes. Everyone is always like ‘Amy you are so crazy,’ but I’m like ‘no you need to meet my cousin Lydia who is LEGIT crazy!’ How many drinks have you had?! I got here super early to set up so I’m already tipsy, but it’s ok because I brought Gatorade!”

  “This is my first one.”

  “Okay, we need you to catch up because otherwise you’ll be like ‘oh my God everyone is drunk except me and now I have to clean up their mess!’”

  Amy slipped her arm under his and locked their fingers together. She led him to the kitchen table where vodka shots were being poured. Connor owned a couple souvenir shot glasses but these seemed much larger. The name on the vodka bottle looked Russian and he couldn’t imagine how to pronounce it. Everyone at the table were people that Connor knew from school. None of them were scary or intrusive. The guys were all taking shot after shot. Connor joined them for one and coughed immediately after he swallowed. Amy handed him his beer and told him to chase with it.

  As Connor threw his head back to take the next shot, he noticed Adam’s reflection in the window behind him. Adam had just entered the kitchen and was heading his way. “Connor, can I talk to you for a second?” Adam whispered, standing next to him.

  “No, I’m busy right now.”

  “It’s important, there’s something I need to tell you right now.”

  “Why don’t you go tell your new friends instead.”

  Connor poured his own shot this time and turned toward Adam as he drank it. Amy came around him and stood between them, not to be blocked from any conversation that was occurring. “Connor...” Adam mumbled, frustrated.

  “Dude, stop bothering him! He obviously doesn’t want to talk to you. My cousin is Lydia and I can tell her to make you leave. Now, skedaddle. Thanks!”

  Adam walked over to the keg and poured himself a beer. He sat against the counter and stared over in their direction like a Lion, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Connor felt the anger cloud the buzz he was feeling in his head. The idea of their friendship danced in his head and made him want Adam closer, but in the next moment rage pushed the idea away. He sat at the table and sipped his beer. This time he joined the conversation because it was the one thing everyone at the table had in common — school.

  Connor felt the alcohol in his veins like a powerful force making him the person he wanted to be. A couple comments he made even got a laugh. Amy seemed so thrilled to be spending time with him. Usually he had so much trouble making friends, but tonight he seemed like a natural.

  Then it happened. The urge to pee gave him no warning and he felt like a child needing to rush to the bathroom. He breezed into the kitchen, passed Dylan, and entered the bathroom. Urinating felt like the best relief he had experienced in a long time. He felt relaxed and like the world w
as finally a good place. After he washed his hands, he attempted to open the door. Someone was blocking it … Dylan. “Let me out.” Connor pleaded.

  “You stuck, fag,” Dylan whispered through the door.

  “Just move. Come on!” Connor kicked the bottom of the door, causing the whole door to rattle. Dylan stopped the door from fully opening with his foot. His face peaked into the bathroom.

  “Leave or your night will not end well.”

  “Fine, just let me out.” Connor conceded in an attempt to avoid further embarrassment.

  He headed straight for the side door and texted Alice to let her know that he had left. Once out the door and onto the driveway, he heard footsteps behind him. His heart paused for a moment before he turned around. He expected to see Dylan with his fist up ready to punch him. Instead, it was Amy. “Why are you leaving?” She looked confused.

  “It’s getting late.”

  “You didn’t even say goodbye. Do you not like me?”

  “I like you. It’s not that.”

  Their conversation seemed simple to Connor, but to Amy it must have been complex and full of emotion. She reached up, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him. Connor kissed back and felt in his drunken stupor like this moment may have been what his life lacked. This moment was what the world wanted for him. This moment could fix something that's broken. Everything seemed fine until they paused and Amy looked up at him and smiled. Connor looked back at her and then glanced up for a moment. There stood Adam in the side doorway, the light from the interior outlining him as if he were a shadow.

  “I have to get home. I’ll talk to you later.” Connor pulled away from Amy and started walking home. She stood in the driveway, silent, and watched as he disappeared into the night. The walk seemed quiet compared to the inside of Lydia’s house. The streetlights hovered above him, their bright light shining down as if protecting him from the dark. In the silence, he took time to reflect on the night.

  He didn’t hate Amy’s kiss, but he also didn’t feel connected to her. He didn’t feel connected like he did to Adam. The thought had barely entered his mind when he saw Adam waiting under the next streetlight. Connor’s pace picked up until he reached him.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a jerk. You’re the only one I can get mad at like that.”

  “It’s my fault. The other night I changed you.”

  “What do you mean you changed me? Wait, hold that thought.” Connor grabbed Adam and kissed him hard on the lips, not caring if he pulled away. Adam wrapped his arms around Connor and they kissed passionately under the streetlight, on a main road in a conservative town, without a care in the world. Then Adam stopped for a moment.

  “I need to tell you something before you decide you have feelings for me.”

  “I already have feelings for you, Adam.” Connor looked into Adam’s eyes with tears welling.

  “I care for you too. That’s why I did it. To make you happy.”

  “Did what?”

  “The other night, I changed you.”

  “You keep saying that but what do you mean?”

  “I made you normal like you wanted.”

  “How?” Connor thought back to the other night and his fatigue the next day.

  “I just did, I made you straight,” Adam mumbled.

  “You just did?! That’s all you have to say?! You’re playing with my life, Adam!” Connor yelled through his tears. “I don’t believe it. It’s not true. It’s not even possible.”

  “I thought it was possible. I should have told you. I thought its what you wanted.”

  “I didn’t want to change. The world is what I want to change. Undo what you did, right now! Who are you to decide what normal is?!”

  “I’m sorry. Please… forgive me. It didn’t work because you’re attracted to me. I just wanted to fix you.”

  “Fix me?! Fix me?! I wasn’t broken Adam…the pain the world makes me feel about being gay is what hurts. I don’t want to be normal because I’m happy being gay. I’m happy loving you.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought it’s what you wanted, but if you want to be with me, I feel privileged to be the one you choose. It didn’t work, but I’ll undo what I did. Please, forgive me.” Adam placed his hand on Connor’s chest. “This will knock you out for the rest of the night.”

  Connor closed his eyes, trembling. Why had his wish to be straight suddenly seemed like the worst thing that could happen to him? Was it possible that Adam was able to change him? What was Adam going to do to him? He opened his eyes slightly to see what Adam was doing. Adam kissed his forehead gently and everything immediately went black.

  CHAPTER 7

  Truth

  Once again, Connor awoke lying in his bed. He slowly sat up and noticed Adam sitting in the chair at his computer desk, waiting. Connor wasn’t sure if it had worked or if any of it had been real. Was he insane to believe any of this?

  “Are you better now?” Adam asked.

  “Why did you do all of this?”

  “I wanted you to be happy.”

  “I was happy.”

  “You weren’t happy when I met you. I know what you did.” Connor grabbed his pillow from behind him and hugged it. He crushed his face into it to block out the world. There was secret even more repressed that his sexuality. “You believe that ignoring it means it didn’t happen, but a secret that dark can weigh you down.”

  “How did you know?”

  “When I meet people, I get a sense of their general life but in a feeling. When I met you, it was different. It was like your life was being blocked and the feeling didn’t know what it wanted to be. There was anger, sadness, moments of lightness, and laughter. Each time I touched you, I saw some of your memories. The other night when you were drunk and became angry, you stopped guarding the memory. You stopped guarding it because you felt that way again.” Connor’s eyes leaked tears onto his pillowcase. He removed his face from the damp pillow to speak.

  “When I first realized I was gay, I was afraid. I don’t think my parents will understand. My dad is very set in his ways. He still believes women shouldn’t work! One night, I was at a party and having drinks with my friends and I was so happy. Then I realized if they all knew I was gay, I might never have another night like it. It would become impossible to walk the halls in school without hanging my head and hearing whispers. All of my life would fall to pieces once I acknowledged my sexuality as a part of myself publicly. I wanted to hide it away forever, but then I realized I would grow old and alone. Nothing seemed like a good option. Only loneliness and sadness was ahead for me. When I got home, I brushed my teeth and I noticed the medicine cabinet. I saw a bottle of ibuprofen so I swallowed every pill, but it wasn't full so I moved on to the acetaminophen. I went into my room and changed into my pajamas. It was odd. I didn’t think I’d feel anything but my mind started feeling fuzzy. I laid down on my bed so I wouldn’t fall. It was summer and the room was hot. I felt my breathing become funny, like I was actually trying to breath. I reached over and opened the window, and cool air streamed in. My breathing felt better but odd. In that moment I knew I had done something real and I was ready to go. I closed my eyes and I told God to take me if he was ready for me. I didn't care about anyone or what I would be leaving behind. I felt at peace knowing that I would never have to experience other people’s hate and my own loneliness. I awoke the next morning feeling really tired throughout my whole body but nothing else. The world moved on and me with it.”

  “I’m glad you shared that with me. I don’t want you to feel like that ever again.”

  “That's the problem. I don’t think about it but then it sneaks up on me and I think the world would be better without me. It could be in a happy moment or sad, but the feeling comes back. The feeling is more like a fear that one day I’ll feel that way again and do something crazy to myself.”

  “You’re stronger than you think. I know you can’t take back what you did, but you can overcome the fears behin
d it.”

  “You’re right. When I’m with you, I don’t feel lonely. I feel excited for life. But Adam, why did you think you could make me straight? How could you make me pass out with just your touch?”

  “I’m not like you.”

  “I think we’re clear on that, on multiple levels now.” Connor took a moment to laugh at just how non-normal everything about Adam had been.

  “No, we don’t see the world the same.”

  “I understand, but that doesn’t explain anything.”

  “I think we have enough to process today. I will never abandon you, and my feelings for you are real. I want you to rest today. Tomorrow, I will explain everything.”

  “You hurt me, Adam…”

  Adam opened the bedroom door and whispered, “I’m sorry” as he slid through it. Connor could tell Adam was upset. He wondered if that was the real reason he left. Connor observed through his window as Adam headed into the woods. Adam gazed over his shoulder up at him peering out the window. As Adam disappeared into the woods, rain began to poor down. Each drop sounded like a little knock on the window. Connor inspected the white windowpane, running his finger along the warped wood. He imagined all the raindrops were tears.

  Connor remembered a time when Alice and him were 14 years old and inseparable. One rainy Saturday night, Alice’s older cousin Barry had come over to her house. He sat comfortably on the green couch in the living room drinking a beer. Casually, he mentioned he could see spirits. Initially, neither Alice nor Connor believed him, but after asking a multitude of questions it seemed plausible. Barry explained it all started after he was in a car accident. The accident left him with a concussion and an injured left knee. When he woke up after the accident’s impact, he saw blurry figures in the distance. Soon these figures became sharper but maintained their translucence.

  The spirits are everywhere according to Barry. They can see everyone but can’t interact with this world. This fact was most confusing for dogs. The dogs wander around aimlessly searching for attention, but no one is there to reciprocate. Not even the human spirits could, because they lack a voice. Barry told them a spirit was actually sitting on the couch next to them. Alice and him both felt the chill of the ghost next to them. The spirit was there, staring at them, but they couldn’t see him or her. At 14 years old, it had all seemed so frightening and real. Connor couldn’t fall asleep that night. In the dark, he imagined people hovering over his bed, staring down at him. Turning the lights on wouldn’t help him. These people couldn’t be seen. A week later Connor moved on from the terrifying thoughts and realized Barry was delusional. Was Adam similarly odd and convincing Connor of the impossible? The rest of the day, Connor roamed the house like a ghost, voiceless and consumed internally by his own unfinished business. The kiss had been real. He was gay, and had told an even more highly guarded secret.