Without Words

by Stewart, Delancey

  And she didn’t need my level of complication. She’d made that clear enough.

  I went straight upstairs and picked up my guitar. The club might be booked, but I could play here.

  I sat and stared out at the beach, playing until my hands cramped and my voice was barely a whisper. The sun was coming up again somewhere behind me. And I still couldn’t think straight.

  I buried myself in bed as the sun rose, setting an alarm for ten o’clock. When I’d go face Dani again.

  Chapter Ten

  Dani

  “Let’s see. It’s nine o’clock at night, you’ve been with hot tattoo guitar guy all day laying tile and now you look like someone stole your Tootsie Pop.” Amy made air quotes when she said laying tile, and now she was raising her eyebrows at me.

  “Someone stole my Tootsie Pop?” I stood in the living room holding a king-sized glass of wine, staring at my smug sister on the couch, her phone by her side. “Is that a saying?”

  “I don’t know. You look sad.” Amy stood and poured herself a glass of wine and then switched off the television. “What’s up, sis?”

  Her phone beeped and I nodded at it. “Who’re you texting?”

  She turned the phone screen off and set it on the table. “Doesn’t matter. You’re upset. What’s going on?”

  Despite being focused on me suddenly, Amy looked different. Happy. Silly, almost. And Amy was rarely silly. “What’s going on there? With your phone?” I raised an eyebrow at her.

  “Nothing,” she said, looking guilty as hell. And then her phone chimed again. I scooped it off the table as she screamed for me to give it back.

  Trent: Want to take you out, but I’m at work until the end of the week. Coffee Monday?

  “Trent? Like Rob’s friend Trent? Fireman Trent?”

  “I think we should just call him that from now on,” Amy nodded, trying to look serious. “Fireman Trent. I’m sure he’d like that. And, yes, that Trent.”

  “So things are like…happening?” I plopped down next to her, my goblet of wine in one hand and her phone in the other.

  She shrugged. “I guess. I mean, we’re just talking. Planning coffee.”

  I nodded. “That’s good.” I was happy to see Amy looking so pleased. But something inside me worried that her ties to Trent could pull me closer to Rob. Even if I didn’t want to be closer to Rob.

  Or if I did.

  I texted back: “Coffee Monday, yes.”

  “What are you doing?” Amy shrieked and ripped her phone from my hand, poking maniacally at the screen. “I’m having coffee?” She looked both thrilled and terrified. Amy had never really dated. She flirted. A lot. And she had serious crushes that resulted in days of ice cream and Netflix on the couch—Dr. Daley, for instance. But she didn’t date. I wasn’t sure why, but it was time for her to take a step forward.

  “Yes, you’re having coffee.”

  She looked terrified.

  “It’s just coffee.” I put her phone down as it chimed again, confirming a place and time. “It will be fine. And if it isn’t, you can get up, say goodbye and never see him again.”

  Or you could grab him, kiss him, and ruin absolutely everything before it even began. I slugged some wine.

  “Easy, tiger. What’s in there that you’re trying to drown?” She put a finger on my forehead, her eyebrows furrowed.

  “I screwed things up with Rob.”

  “Rob, tile and guitar guy?” Amy got a dreamy look on her face.

  I nodded, slugging more wine.

  “How could you screw up a tile-and-grout-based relationship? Did something else happen?”

  “He told me some stuff. About himself. He used to be a firefighter.” It might have been betraying Rob’s confidence, but I told Amy everything. After years of having only my sister in my life, there was little I was willing to keep from her. Sometimes she felt like the other side of my personality. I needed her rational intelligence. I needed her opinion.

  “Holy shit,” she murmured, slugging her own wine. “That’s pretty serious.”

  “I know.” I thought back to the way my heart had seized up when Rob had talked about his accident, about coming back from it. The pain in his eyes had been so clear, his insecurity over the way he spoke was broadcast through the tension in his shoulders, the way he wouldn’t meet my eyes. “So I told him about us. About Mom and Dad. About Nan.”

  “Fair’s fair, I guess.” Amy shrugged. She didn’t like to talk about what had happened, but she also didn’t try to keep it hidden. It was there, it had happened. And we’d survived. “What’d he say?”

  “He was sorry. About Nan. And I think I’m having…feelings.”

  Amy smiled but said no more.

  We drank in silence for a moment, and I thought about Rob’s compassion. There had been a tension around us when I’d finished telling him my story, and for a moment, I’d thought he was going to pull me into his arms right then. Lord knows, I’d wanted to throw myself into them. There was something between us, I had no doubt. And then I’d gone and acted without thinking. As usual.

  “I kissed him.”

  Amy’s eyes grew round and she stared at me, waiting for more.

  “It was a complete mistake. I don’t know why I did it.”

  “Because he’s hot and you like him.”

  “Right. But he has enough problems. And I have no idea what he thinks of me. Plus, I can’t get a good read on people. I always think I know what’s going on, but I never really know. Like with Ben.” I pointed a finger at Amy to make my point.

  “You have got to get over that shit. Your instincts are good, Dani.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t think she was right. “I thought Rob was kind of into it, but now I have no idea. He apologized after I kissed him.”

  “That’s not good. Wait, what was he apologizing for?”

  “I don’t know. I apologized first.”

  Amy turned her glass between her palms, squinting at it. “I think,” she began slowly and still without looking at me, “that you don’t trust yourself because of what happened with Ben. And you don’t trust men.”

  I didn’t even want to acknowledge that statement. I hated talking about Ben.

  “I think,” Amy started again, her voice hesitant. “That you should take a chance and just let what happens happen.”

  “The last time I did that, I ended up sneaking into my ex-boyfriend’s wedding.” Ben, as it turned out, had been engaged during the entire eight months we’d dated. When he’d confessed that small fact, he’d made it sound like he was being forced to marry against his will. He’d actually told me he hoped someone would speak up when the minister asked for objections. After listening to way too much Taylor Swift, I’d taken his statement literally and showed up at the church, ready to confront his bride-to-be. I was sure she was a monster and convinced it would be the right thing. Once I got there, I just watched. And what I saw was a girl—not unlike myself—who believed she was about to get her happily ever after. And though I might have liked to warn her about Ben, I didn’t want to take away from her what I hadn’t gotten for myself.

  So I’d stayed and watched. Humiliated.

  “Right. But you lived fully. You put yourself out there. You went with your heart, just like Nan always told us to do.”

  “My heart was a complete asshole. I’ve never been so embarrassed.” I covered my face with my free hand.

  “So it didn’t work out that time. What are the odds your heart will be so wrong ever again?” She shrugged and gave me a half smile.

  “Seriously?” My sister knew better than to joke about that. How could she not see that the thing with Ben was exactly why I could probably never trust my heart again? That and every other example I’d ever had of relationships between men and women. Women fall in love. Men leave.

  She slung an arm over my shoulders. “You can’t live in fear, sis. If you like this guy, put a toe in the pool. See what happens. Take small steps and protect yourself alon
g the way. Don’t go all in yet.”

  That made sense. But I’d kind of already done that. And then I’d run away.

  We finished the wine, and by bedtime, I’d resolved to try to just live. To be genuine and authentic, as Nan would have wanted. But also to protect myself and stay focused on the things I was set on accomplishing. If Rob fit into that plan, I would welcome him. If he didn’t want to be there, that was fine, too. Or that’s what I told myself, at least.

  …

  I went to the shop at ten, hoping the grout would be okay even though I hadn’t given it a full twenty-four hours. As I opened the door, I realized I really had no idea what came next in the whole tile-and-grout scenario. Rob was the expert. And he was nowhere to be seen.

  I wasn’t expecting to find him standing here waiting for me, but my heart fell a little when he wasn’t. Even though I’d acted erratically, I still hoped maybe he’d felt whatever strange spark of attraction I had. Or that he’d forgive me and come back to finish the floor.

  I pushed my disappointment aside, stepped gingerly across the tile, and jumped up onto the counter in the back, pulling my laptop onto my thighs and preparing myself for a few hours of YouTube tutorials about what happened next. I was twenty minutes in when the bell over the door jangled.

  “Walk softly,” I shouted from the back, craning my head around the doorjamb to see who was coming.

  The sun lit Rob from behind, highlighting his outline and making every bulging muscle stand out in detail. I couldn’t see his face because of the shadow, but I saw enough to make me flush as I remembered being pressed against all that hard muscle. What had happened inside my body as his mouth had taken mine, as his hands had traced my hips.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

  “Hey.”

  “Time to finish the tile?”

  He nodded, coming around the corner to stand in front of me.

  “So what now?” I stayed perched on the counter but shoved the laptop off to the side. YouTube had been particularly unhelpful today.

  “Just need to caulk.”

  He was here. He was all business, his face solemn and his attitude serious and focused. He watched me sitting on the counter, those green eyes bright and cool, as unreadable as a glacier. Butterflies sprang to life in my stomach and my blood rushed faster through my veins. The smile that had appeared the second he walked in spread over my face, reaching a width that definitely fell into the realm of silly when he used the word “caulk.” I knew it was juvenile, but I couldn’t help it. “I haven’t done much with caulk in a while,” I said, fighting a full-out grin because, dammit, “caulk” sounded exactly like “cock.”

  Rob raised an eyebrow at me, and I pulled myself together. Maybe he was here out of a sense of duty. Maybe he was angry about the way I’d forced a kiss on him last night. Only he hadn’t seemed angry then… Still, I had resolved to focus on business, and that is what I would do.

  I hopped down and walked carefully over the hardening grout lines to get the supplies we’d need. Rob took the long tube of caulk and showed me how to cut the tip off and set it into the gun. He pushed out a small line of shiny white caulk around the edge of the sink to demonstrate, pulling through the white ooze with his finger to leave a smooth line.

  “It looks amazing,” I said, unable to keep from clapping my hands like a child. “I love caulk.” I couldn’t help it, the words came out before I thought about what I’d said.

  He turned to look at me, his full lips pulling up slightly at the corners. It wasn’t a full-out smile, but it wasn’t the same cool gaze I’d gotten just a few minutes ago, either. Why did I feel like Rob’s almost-smile was some kind of reward? And why was I willing to do almost anything to make him smile again? The glint in his green eyes as he looked at me nearly had me in his lap. I needed to get myself under control. Had it been that long? Maybe my vibrator and I needed some quality time tonight.

  It didn’t take long to finish, and the task mostly consisted of me following Rob around as he caulked the toilet, the edge of the counter, and a few other spots. I tried as hard as I could not to make cracks about needing to put caulk into holes. When he was done, things were starting to look finished, and I had a glimpse of what the place might be like when it was complete. I couldn’t help leaning into Rob’s shoulder. “Thank you. This is incredible.”

  He tilted his head slightly to one side, his eyes on mine. Then his mouth pulled into a sly smile and he said, “Yeah, well, I’m pretty good with my caulk.” His eyes twinkled as he dropped the one-liner.

  My jaw dropped open and I stared at him. “I can’t believe you went there. Do you know how hard it has been for me to avoid making caulk jokes? And then you go and do it?”

  He shrugged. “Had to be done.” He smiled down at me and winked, and then gestured to the sponges I’d dropped in the sink as I’d come in that morning. “Should clean these out.” He moved to the sink and pulled on the tap.

  The tension between us was gone, and I was still chuckling as I followed and helped wring out one sponge as he rinsed the other. Our hands met under the pulsing stream of warm water, and it seemed accidental, both of us glancing at the other and smiling like shy children. But the water kept running and we kept working, both of us squeezing and cleaning sponges until finally we weren’t bumping hands accidentally. We were rubbing the backs of our hands together under the stream, his skin making slow circles against mine as the rest of my body warmed, turning to hot jelly at his side.

  Even though he’d basically sprinted away from me when I’d kissed him, he was standing here now, rubbing his blazing fingers over mine so purposefully there was no question about his intent. I was like a teenager, too shy to just take what I wanted, too giddy to even look at him. And so we just let our hands touch, sending sparks between us that had my breath coming faster and heat spreading through me. And the whole time, I was asking myself what the hell I was doing. I wasn’t supposed to be touching this gorgeous man. This wasn’t part of my plan at all. And he’d already proven he could hurt me—I just had to think how it had felt to watch him walking away after the kiss. If I let myself care about this guy… Well, I couldn’t do that. My heart wouldn’t survive one more man walking away.

  Still, the heat moving between us, the searing sensation of his touch under the warm water—it pulled me into the moment in a way so immediate that my own thoughts were like a voice calling from a distance. I could hear the wise counsel I was trying to give myself, but I could hear my own heart beating much more loudly. And I couldn’t pull my hand from Rob’s. Even though I knew I was vulnerable, some ever-optimistic part of me wanted to see what was going to happen. After a few minutes of this—minutes that felt like years—he turned to me, a question blazing in his green eyes. They were dark with lust, and I knew mine must have looked the same. I stared at him, answering the question in his eyes as the hot water drummed a steady rhythm that was entrancing. I spun, facing him fully, and he stepped in front of me, pinning my back to the counter. His chest pressed against mine as he reached around me and turned the water off.

  “Drought,” he said, his voice rough and strained.

  I nodded. Good to be environmentally conscious. Good to be… I lost all train of thought as he inclined his head toward mine and our foreheads touched, fire blooming through me at the contact and the closeness of his body.

  The atmosphere around us was thick, dense with desire. Even though the water had stopped, I still heard a thrumming beat vibrating around us, driving me, making me wild, reckless.

  Rob pushed one of his thick thighs between my legs as he gripped the counter on either side of me. I could feel the heat emanating from his body, and his thigh was just centimeters away from my center. It took everything I had not to close that space and grind myself against him. I could smell some combination of soap and grout and man—something clean and fresh combined with another scent, something that was just Rob and was undeniably masculine.

  His
breath hit the sensitive skin of my throat as he inclined his head farther, and his hot mouth so near my skin set me alight. I kept my hands on the counter’s edge behind me, bracing myself. I was arching backward slightly, almost crushing my breasts into his chest, and the heat and proximity had my nipples aching, alert. Every nerve ending tingled to attention, and I was nearly crazy with the need for him to touch me. I kept my hands where they were. I’d made the first move last night. I wasn’t going to do it again.

  What was this? This was insane. I’d never been on a knife’s edge like this, never wanted so badly for a man to just. Touch. Me.

  And then Rob leaned even closer. His lips grazed my ear, and sensation hit me like a live wire. A sound that was pure need escaped my lips—half moan, half cry.

  I couldn’t stop my arms from going around him then, pulling him into me at the same time as he bit my earlobe—gently, but roughly enough to blend just a bit of pain into the intense pleasure. I pressed myself against his chest, desperate for contact, needing to feel him.

  He groaned, the sound sandpaper and pure masculine desire, and it shot straight to my center. I was soaking wet and he’d barely touched me. I fisted my hands in his T-shirt and moved one of them up to the back of his neck, to the soft skin where his dark hair was short, a silky fuzz against my fingertips.

  In a swift motion, Rob lifted me up onto the counter. I spread my legs instinctively and he stepped between them, his lips finding mine.

  Light flashed behind my closed eyelids and my body screamed with desire as his hands pulled me closer still, until I could feel the throb of his erection through our clothes, iron against me, thick and hard.

  He slanted his mouth against mine, nothing sweet or subtle about the way his mouth sought and sucked my own. His tongue slid along the seam of my lips and I opened my mouth, the kiss instantly deepening and my body shaking in response. Rob’s tongue thrust against mine, and I could only think of his body, of his solidity. Of how I wanted more of it, wanted to feel it over me, claiming me. Now.