The Winning Side

by C. M. Doporto

  “Mom, aren’t you supposed to be at work? You didn’t have to come. I would have called you.” Raven held onto the handlebar above the window as Trish sped down the street. I tightened my seatbelt, making sure it held me firmly in place.

  “Yes, I am supposed to be at work, but since you decided to be irresponsible, I had to take off. Tell me, Raven, did you and Lexi have a good time in Padre? Was it worth it?”

  “Mom—”

  “Don’t ‘Mom’ me. This is serious, Raven. What the hell were you two thinking?” The light turned red and she slammed on the breaks. My body flung forward and I gripped the back of Raven’s seat.

  “Trish, Raven only had two beers that night. Everything was fine until those idiots starting popping off fireworks by the house. You should actually be proud of him. With the exception of that night, he didn’t drink the entire week we were there. We even went to a club and he drank soda. He was our designated driver.”

  She looked over her shoulder. “You want me to be proud?” The light turned green and Trish gunned it, crossing over the busy intersection as she headed toward campus. “Raven might lose his one and only chance of ever being picked up by a national football team. And all for two beers. I hope those beers were damn good.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. Raven promised to take me for my birthday. I knew we shouldn’t have gone, but I wanted to.”

  Raven turned around and stared at me. I gave a slight shrug. It was my fault just as much as it was his. “Don’t listen to her, Mom. She told me we shouldn’t go and I talked her into it.”

  “That’s why I’m pissed at both of you.” Trish stopped at the light near the end of the campus. “Where the hell am I going?” She threw her hands up in the air.

  “Turn right and then pull into that first parking lot.” Raven pointed down the street.

  Luckily, Trish found a parking spot right in front of the building where Raven’s hearing was being held. I was glad, because Trish continued lecturing us until Mr. Marshall and Steve arrived. No wonder Raven felt down at times. I’d never had anyone make me feel so bad before. It was almost worse than how my mom treated me. Instead of Trish being supportive, like she was last time, she was accusatory. Part of me couldn’t blame her, but Raven needed her support.

  Josh and Shelby arrived after we did, followed by Shawn and Kyle. Mr. Marshall asked that we all be there to give a testimony about what happened that night and show the academic and athletic board that we had received tickets as well. Luke and Delaney were the last to arrive, and by the looks of it, they had just gotten it on somewhere. Delaney’s makeup was smeared and Luke’s hair was a disheveled mess. I hope she was remembering to take her pill. If not, she’d surely end up pregnant.

  “Y’all wait out here. Steve will come to get you when it’s time,” Mr. Marshall instructed as he held the door open for Raven.

  “Good luck, baby.” I reached for his hand before he entered the room.

  “Thanks.” He leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

  The door shut and I sat down on the bench outside. A few minutes later, Trish started crying. Tears gushed from her eyes as she sobbed quietly. I took out a tissue from my purse and handed it to her.

  “Trish, are you okay?”

  “No.” She took the tissue and blew her nose. “I’m a horrible mother.”

  Everyone looked at me, so I scooted closer and wrapped an arm around her. She leaned against my shoulder, heaving and sobbing. “No, you’re not. You’re just concerned and worried, like all of us.”

  “Yes,” she sniffed, “but I shouldn’t have yelled at Raven. Not like that. He needs my support and yours, too.” She sighed in a rapid succession of breaths. “Will you forgive me? Please?”

  “Of course.” I pulled another tissue from my purse and handed it to her. “I think of you as my mother-in-law. The last thing I want is for us to be mad at one another.”

  “Oh, Lexi.” She threw her arms around my neck and pulled me close to her, crying hard. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Trish.” I patted her on the back. “Really, it is.” Delaney made a quirky expression and I shot her a what the hell am I supposed to do look.

  For several minutes, I reassured her that I wasn’t mad at her and that I accepted her apology. I explained what happened once again, when she started asking several questions. Josh and Shawn even chimed in, telling her exactly what Raven and I had already told her. I knew she believed us; she just needed to hear that her son wasn’t to blame. At least, not completely.

  The door opened and I quickly turned to see Raven dart out. “Raven?” I shot out of my seat and ran toward him. “What happened? Tell me. What did they say?” I tried to get him to look at me, but he turned his head and kept walking. He stopped at the end of the hallway and gripped the railing, leaning over it. His body was rigid, but frail at the same time.

  He buckled over and I took a step forward, hoping he was thinking of doing anything stupid. “It’s over, Lexi.” His voice was heavy, filled with pain, guilt, and tears.

  “What’s over, babe?” I reached my hand toward him, but held it steady, afraid to touch him. “Tell me.”

  He pushed away from the railing. “Everything,” he snapped. His fingers flew to his neck and worked frantically, trying to untie the knot on his tie. Red marks streaked his face as he breathed heavily. I took a step back, not wanting to get in the direct line of fire. “Baby, talk to me. Please?”

  “Fucking shit!” he yelled as he struggled with the fabric. He stopped messing with the tie and grabbed the sleeves of his jacket. In one quick tug, he literally ripped his suit jacket off his body. The sleeves separated from the material and he looked like a madman, tearing his clothes in two. My eyes blinked rapidly, unable to process what had just happened.

  “Bro, you alright?” Josh stepped up behind me.

  “Get the fuck away from me,” Raven seethed, introducing a new demon I had never seen or heard before.

  “Okay, just calm down,” Shawn held out his hands as he neared Raven, “everything is going to be okay, man. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “Easy for you to say!” Raven jabbed his finger in Shawn’s face.

  “Son, stop, please. You’re scaring me,” Trish pleaded, latching onto me for support.

  “Everyone just get the fuck away from me,” he spat, his eyes dark with rage and his incisors baring like he was ready to slash us apart. In one quick yank, he ripped off the tie and threw it to the floor.

  “Raven, baby.” I pressed my hands together, praying that God would help calm him down. The last thing I wanted was for him to do anything stupid. “Please, tell me. What do you mea by everything?”

  “Just…everything.” He turned and ran down the stairs. Tears welled in my eyes. In the pit of my stomach, I knew what he was referring to. Not just football — us.

  Σ

  Chapter 16

  “Anything?” Trish asked as we sat on the couch in Raven and Josh’s apartment.

  Glancing at my phone for the umpteenth time, I said, “No.”

  We were both worried about Raven. Things were worse than we thought. Not only had Raven been kicked off the team, he had been dismissed from the university — permanently. Coach was apologetic. He said he had given Raven every opportunity to clean up his act, but he couldn’t keep forgiving him. He had given him one too many chances and Raven had blown all of them. The board of admissions ruled that Raven didn’t possess the conduct appropriate for the type of students they wanted representing their school. They did offer to provide him counseling for one year, however.

  The coach encouraged me to make sure Raven attended his counseling sessions. Although he seemed genuinely concerned for him, I was less inclined to agree. I did the honorable thing and told him I would, even though I wanted to tell him to go to hell. In all honesty, I guess I couldn’t blame him. He had a football program to run, not a center for troubled individuals.

  “What
are we going to do?” I wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth. “I mean, what if he—”

  “Don’t say it. Don’t even think it.” Trish let out a long breath. “Nothing’s going to happen to him. This isn’t like last time.”

  “No, it’s worse!” I cried out, trying to stop the vicious thoughts from running rampant in my mind.

  “Shawn is with him. He’s not going to—”

  The door to the apartment opened and Josh and Shelby walked in. “Hey.”

  “Did you find him?” I sprang to my feet, shoving my fingers through my hair. I refused to accept any bad news. Raven would be fine. He’d come home and we’d get through this together. We had to. We loved each other too much to let this rip us apart.

  “No, we didn’t.” Josh closed the door behind Shelby. “But I got ahold of Shawn. He’s with him.”

  “Oh, thank God.” Trish relaxed against the sofa cushions and her body slumped.

  I released the breath I’d been holding since we left the hearing and collapsed onto the couch next to her. I didn’t know how much more I could take of this. The stress, the worrying, it was eating me alive. It was also driving Trish into the ground. But I loved Raven, and I was going to stand by his side, no matter what.

  “Are you alright?” Shelby sat next to me, taking my hand in hers.

  “No. I’m worried sick about him. Did you see the anger in his eyes? The way he tore his jacket off his body?” I took in a few quick breaths. “I’ve never seen him react that way before. Have you?” I looked at Shelby, Josh, and then Trish.

  “It’s been a very long time since he’s reacted this way. He has me so worried.” Trish placed her hand on my leg. “I hate to see him so upset. It scares the shit out of me.”

  “Just give him a little time.” Shelby grabbed both our hands. “I’m sure he’s going to be okay. Shawn is with him. He’ll watch after him.”

  “I hope so, Shelby.” Trish squeezed her hand, heaving a heavy sigh.

  “Shelby is right. Raven is going to get through this.” Josh sat on the coffee table in front of us. “Once the shock wears off and he gets his head together, he’ll come home.”

  “What if he doesn’t?” I wiped the tears from my face. Just thinking about what he’d said had me ready to claim temporary insanity. Surely, he didn’t mean it. Things couldn’t be over between us.

  “Lexi,” Josh gave a lighthearted laugh, trying to calm me, “he might need a day or two, but he’s going to come back to you. The boy is in love with you — trust me.”

  Josh talked to us while Shelby made us some warm chamomile tea, claiming it was the best for nerves. And she was right. The warm tincture soothed my dry, parched throat and calmed my racing pulse, but it did nothing to relieve the pain deep within my soul. A pain that could only be soothed by Raven.

  “Oh my, it’s almost six.” Trish looked at her watch. “I’ve got to get home to check on the boys.” She put her cup on the coffee table.

  “Do you need me and Josh to follow you home?” Shelby asked.

  Trish fumbled with her jacket, trying to put it on. “No, I’ll be fine. Just stay here with Lexi.”

  “Are you sure, Trish? I don’t mind.” Josh helped her slip her arms through the sleeves.

  “I’m positive. I’ll be okay.” Her lips parted into a broken smile. The hurt, the stress, all the worrying she had endured over her son, was wrapped up in that one expression. Looking at me, she said, “Please call or text me as soon as you hear from him.”

  I gave her a tight hug. “I will. And call me if you hear from him first.”

  “You can count on it.” She gave me one last squeeze before letting go.

  Josh walked Trish to her car and I checked my phone again. Nothing. What the heck was going through Raven’s mind? Why wouldn’t he answer me? Was he regretting taking me to Padre for my birthday? Did he regret those two beers? Did he regret proposing to me? Most importantly, did he hate himself? I pulled myself into a ball and rested my chin on my knees. It was going to be a long night.

  I woke up a few hours later on the couch with my phone clutched to my chest and a blanket covering me. The TV was turned on, an infomercial about weight loss playing on the screen. Shifting positions to work the tightness out of my back, I noticed I had a text message. I quickly hit the message button and saw that it was Trish. She wanted to know if I’d heard from Raven. The clock flashed 2:06 a.m., so I decided to hold off on texting her until the morning. I scrolled to Raven’s name and read back over the last message.

  Me: Babe, please call me. Tell me you’re okay. I’m worried sick about you. So is your mom.

  But there was no response. It was as though Raven wanted nothing to do with me; as though he didn’t feel the need to tell me he was okay. But why? This was killing me! I was his fiancée. Why was he shutting me out? We had talked about this two weeks ago on the beach. He promised not to shut me out again. He promised that he was learning how to deal with his demons. He promised that he had changed. But nothing had changed. Raven still refused to let me in. How could I be his wife if he wouldn’t turn to me during his times of need?

  Wiping the tears from my eyes, I picked up my phone and typed him another message.

  Me: I love you, Raven. No matter what. Don’t ever forget that.

  With the phone clutched tightly in my hand, I prayed he wasn’t doing anything stupid. My phone flashed a warning light, telling me it needed to be charged before turning dark. I walked to Raven’s bedroom and plugged my phone in.

  I took off my clothes and grabbed Raven’s white undershirt thrown on top of the chair. I dropped to the edge of the bed and slipped it over my head. With my fingers curled around the collar, I covered my nose and mouth and inhaled deeply, taking in his signature scent. It surrounded me, but it didn’t cradle me like it normally did. My soul knew what I refused to believe. I glanced at his empty pillow and another round of tears made their appearance. Damn, I wanted him here with me. Crawling on my stomach, I buried my face in his pillow.

  Please, Raven, don’t break me again.

  Please don’t let me fall.

  Please don’t leave me.

  My heart can’t handle it.

  The words repeated across my lips, over and over, as I sobbed for what seemed liked hours. I cried for us. But most of all, I cried for him. For his hurt. For his disappointment. For everything he was going through. For what life had done to him. It wasn’t fair.

  Wrapping my arms around me, I reveled in the softness of his cotton shirt as it caressed my skin. I imagined he was here with me, holding me, while I promised him everything would be okay. That he’d get through this with me by his side. That there was still hope for his football career. But all I could do was wish it was him holding me, instead of me holding myself.

  ***

  “Lexi, you okay?” The door squeaked as Shelby stuck her head in the room.

  “No, not really.” I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. The tears still hadn’t stopped, even though I felt completely dehydrated.

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, she brushed my matted hair away from my face. “He never came home, did he?”

  “Nope.” I laid in Raven’s bed, looking at his empty side — a side that didn’t have to be empty.

  “Did you hear from him or Shawn?” She plucked a few tissues from a box on the nightstand and handed them to me.

  I shook my head, fighting back the hard tears. The ones that would send me into another heaving spell. I was so tired of crying. Tired of worrying. Tired of begging. Tired of everything.

  Why was Raven making things so difficult for us?

  “Did you need a ride back to campus?” Shelby asked.

  “No, I’m going to wait here until he comes home.” I blew my nose and sighed heavily, making a horrible quivering sound. I was hot a mess once again. Raven’s hot mess.

  “Okay.” She brushed her fingers through my hair one last time before getting up. “Text me if you need anything
.”

  “And definitely text us when he gets here.” Josh peeked in the room. “Because he will be back.” A big smile covered his tanned face. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, put my restless mind at ease, but nothing was helping. Holding Raven and knowing he was okay was the only thing that would stop this incessant worrying.

  “Thanks, guys.” I managed to give a small smile and they shut the door.

  For another hour or so, I stayed in bed, waiting for Raven to walk through the door. But he never showed. Around eleven, I took a shower and got dressed. Somehow, I had to pull myself together. Raven needed me and I had to be strong for him. I was his only hope. My heart had to hold up. I didn’t have time to be weak.

  I picked up my phone and sent Shawn another message.

  Me: Shawn, please let me know something. I’m freakin’ out over here!

  I waited and waited, staring at the screen on my phone, but he never responded. Completely resolved to nothing, I turned on the TV, hoping to get my mind off things. ESPN came on, the main station that Raven and Josh watched, and I regretted pushing the button. It was all over the news. The sports newscasters were talking about Raven. About what had happened and what this meant for his football career. Not wanting to hear it, I turned off the TV and went back into Raven’s room.

  I grabbed my bag and went to the kitchen table. Taking out my laptop, I powered it up. I had to do something before I went crazy. That was when I remembered I had two tutoring sessions this afternoon and edits due for both of them.

  Crap.

  I quickly sent the two students a text and told them that I couldn’t meet, but that I would send them their edits by tonight. Then I called Dr. Phillips and told him that I wasn’t coming in today. He said he understood, and I’m sure he knew why. It was no secret that Raven and I were engaged, and if ESPN knew the latest on Raven, then the entire university knew as well.

  Just as I opened the first paper to edit, my phone rang. It was Shawn. I fumbled to pick up my phone, my hands shaking in anticipation. Was Raven okay? Where were they?