Finding Us

by Allie Juliette Mousseau

  Livie gave me a weird look. “Nate doesn’t have much affection for dogs, does he? Why? What happened?”

  First I made her promise not to tell Jake and, second, I only explained about me finding the abandoned dogs and Nate acting strange—zero details.

  She thought hard. “You know, about five years back, we were playing basketball at the park and on our way home, this dog ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The driver pulled over and the owner of the dog was beside himself—the dog had yanked the leash right out of his hand to chase a squirrel. When I told Nate we should help, he said he wasn’t going within five feet of it and kept walking towards home. He wasn’t himself for days afterward. It was weird.”

  She thought and continued, “But you asked me if we ever had a dog. We did, but I was really little; maybe six or seven years old, so Nate would’ve been eleven or twelve. Our mom was already gone. Anyway, he’d found this stray black lab and brought it home. Our dad wasn’t around much so Nate hid the dog in his room and would take him for walks when he got back from school. Wow, I’m surprised I even remembered that. I forgot all about it.”

  “What happened to the dog?” I asked anxiously.

  “He was a stray and not used to living in a house. He got away from Nate on one of their walks and never came back,” she said sadly. “He never did like dogs after that.”

  I sat back heavily in my chair. “Thanks for telling me.” A runaway dog. Was that enough? Enough to cause such a traumatic response? I doubted it. Soon, I felt myself chewing on the inside of my cheek. It all felt wrong.

  “I can’t wait to see you! I’ve never been a matron of honor before,” she squealed.

  “How long will you be able to stay?”

  “I don’t know. It might depend on where we decide to plant ourselves long term. We need a house or apartment to bring the baby home to.”

  “Of course you do!” I interrupted. “You’re so lucky and I’m so excited to be an aunt!”

  That launched Liv into a fifteen minute lecture on the miserable, stomach turning adventures of morning sickness while I ruminated on what really happened, where Nate was at the moment and why he felt like he couldn’t open up and trust me. Maybe it was all just a matter of time—he’d told me so much this weekend—but the feeling of unrest remained, and my stomach churned.

  I spent most of my afternoon sitting, frustrated, staring at the blank screen of my laptop as I struggled with starting my next chapter. The vet had left a message that Lady Luck had made it through the night. That pushed a sigh of relief through me and then made me think about how I hadn’t heard from Nate, so I picked up my phone and texted:

  Hey Sexy <3 Wanna go for a horseback ride?

  I waited but nothing shot back.

  Hmm … I tried Caleb:

  Did you catch up with Nate?

  A minute later he replied:

  Haven’t seen that boy all day.

  Great

  A little before five o’clock, I heard pebbles bouncing off my bedroom window. I pulled back the fabric of the rose lace curtain and saw Nate. He had saddled two of the horses and was waving for me to come down. Relieved, I quickly threw on a pair of jeans and ran out to meet him.

  We rode out several miles through the waist high grasses that bent and bowed with the wind. The heat of the sun as it simmered low in the sky made me sweat. Neither of us talked, but feeling Nate’s presence beside me was comforting and smoothed over the worry I’d felt throughout the day. When we reached the river, Nate tied the horses to a low cottonwood branch and spread out a blanket.

  “I stopped in town for some picnic food,” he said, unearthing a Subway bag.

  I laughed, my laughter infused with relief at the fact that Nate was acting like himself.

  While we ate, we watched the American Dipper birds float on the surface of the water, dive and bob back up. When we finished, I decided I couldn’t keep quiet. I needed to dig deeper.

  “Nate, I don’t want to upset you or make things worse, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to open up to someone after so many years of dealing with the heavy stuff on your own. But, I’m here for you now. I want to know what’s going on in your mind and what you’re thinking about, the good and the bad.”

  “I know you are, and I’m not trying to hide anything from you. I want to let you in and tell you everything. I’ve never done that before, you know, bared my soul to anyone. I know I could tell you anything, but at the same time …” He looked into the cloudless sky. “These thoughts and feelings are almost impossible to put words to and, when I feel like I’ve found the words to tell you, if I’m being honest, I don’t want you to know.” He shrugged. “Not because I don’t trust you or think you won’t understand, but because I want to keep you protected from all of it. I love you so deeply, Julia, but most of it is simply unspeakable.” He hitched in a deep breath. “I’ve read the self-help books. I know what they say—talk it out, get it into the open. It just isn’t as easy as they make it seem. When I bury it, sometimes it stays buried for long periods of time. But talking about it? It almost always brings on the nightmares and, worse, I can’t tell when something’s going to trigger it.”

  “Like the dogs?” I said softly.

  He closed his eyes. “Like the dogs.”

  “I want to hold you through your storms, Nate. That’s what love does. It holds on and doesn’t let go.” I took his hand, laced my fingers through his and stared at my ring. “I’ve always had to struggle with the idea of unconditional love, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. I think as humans we crave to love and be loved unconditionally, no matter what. And I believe in unconditional love now, but it doesn’t negate boundaries like no cheating, no lying, no abusive behavior, and there are probably several others I could tack on. I think the definition of unconditional love for imperfect human beings is how each person defines it for themselves.” I worked through my thought. “For me, two people need to learn and grow in love with one another. You need to allow the other person to be themselves in all their strengths and faults and love them even and especially when you’re not really loving what they’re doing in the moment. Love can be fickle, and I think in my version of unconditional love, you don’t allow that fickleness room to tear you apart. And you love and accept the other person no matter what baggage they carry with them and, even more importantly, you share the weight of that baggage, because that’s what it means to be a partner. I know you, and I love you, Nathaniel Morrisey, unconditionally. And I’m a strong woman, I can take some of that burden off your back.”

  He shifted our positions until he was holding me from behind, his hand rested on my forehead as he tilted me back against his mouth to kiss my hair.

  “Can you love like that even in the silence? For instance, when one partner can’t … lay certain things out?”

  “Yeah, I can.”

  He rocked us gently, but I had a feeling it was from nervousness. “You were really excited about Livie and Jake’s news today weren’t you?”

  “Completely. It looked like it may have hit you a little sideways.”

  “I wasn’t really expecting it so quickly after the wedding,” he confessed.

  “Yeah, well, that’s what happens when your husband whacks the birth control out of your hand on the honeymoon.” I laughed lightly. “That’s what Livie told me happened.”

  “Do … do you want children?”

  “Of course. One with green eyes like you and one with brown eyes like me.” Another thought hit me hard in the gut. “Don’t you want kids?”

  He waited before answering and added to the weight in my heart. “I hadn’t contemplated it too much. I was terrified about trying to love you. I’m completely mortified at the thought of becoming a father. I don’t know. I don’t think I could do it. I wouldn’t ever want to mess up a life like mine was, and I feel like that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

  “I can understand how you’d feel like that.” I di
dn’t want to minimize his fear, but I also wanted to reassure him. “You know you’ve been loving me just perfectly.” I turned to look at him. “I don’t think we have to worry about it now, do we? We have plenty of time.”

  “If I can’t do it, it won’t be fair to you.” He looked very serious.

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m not saying anything. I don’t know. Damn it, Jules, I don’t want to sound weak or pathetic. I want to give you everything you want and I don’t know if I can give you that,” he admitted.

  “I don’t need anything except you,” I reassured him.

  “Kids should have dogs too, right?” he said suddenly. Cryptically.

  “My mom is allergic to dogs … and cats, so we never had them. I don’t think it’s a prerequisite.”

  “But if you’re not allergic?”

  I couldn’t fathom what he was trying to say, but it was making me edgy and nervous. “You know, when Livie’s baby is born, you’ll see just how beautiful it can be. Maybe it’ll even help calm some of your fears when you see what an awesome uncle you are.”

  “Maybe,” he replied doubtfully.

  “I’m only nineteen, I’m not planning on kids quite yet, so why don’t we just deflate that balloon right now and focus on loving each other. In a few years or more, we can revisit it. I’ll tell you now, I don’t want any other man but you. Even if that means we don’t have children.”

  “You’re saying that now, but at thirty when your biological clock is ticking, I have a feeling you’re going to have a different viewpoint.”

  “So what if I do? I’m not living in my future or my past, I’m living in my now. We can cross that bridge when I’m thirty.” I smiled.

  He didn’t.

  “I just got you, Nate. I just finally got to feel what it’s like to be loved by you, and I don’t need kids, I do need you!” My heart was pumping and he was starting to scare me.

  “Some well-meaning people say to leave the past in the past, or leave the past behind you,” he said. “But the tricky thing about the past is that it never goes away and it’s never past. It may fade for a little while like the colors of decaying leaves in fall, but it always comes back … in the turn of the weather, in the eyes of a dying dog, a smell. The best I think we can do is to live out our lives in spite of it. And try like hell not to let it dictate our futures.”

  I leaned into his shoulder. “I think that’s a good philosophy.”

  “I’ve had a reoccurring nightmare since my … since Dillon was arrested. I hadn’t had it in a couple of months and, damn it, it throws me every time!” he cursed. “I never feel so small and weak as I do in those dreams, and last night was the worst one yet.”

  He stayed quiet for a moment before he could begin again. “It’s always the same. I’m stuck in his house and can’t find the door to get out. I know he’s coming back soon and he’ll be gunning for me. I can’t break out through the windows, and I can’t hide. When he appears he’s right beside me, hitting me so hard my bones crack and I fall to the floor while he kicks at my ribs and stomach with his steel-toed work boots. He does it until I can feel my ribs break and pierce my vital organs. The blood comes gushing up out of my mouth and he laughs as I lay there dying.”

  I closed my eyes hard as the tears gathered there for him. I wanted to smooth this over, I wanted to change his past or at least convince him that the dream wasn’t real … but it was. It was real. He’d lived through it over and over again. And a part of him died in that house, the innocent little boy who should have been loved and cherished by his parents. I sniffed and bit my lip and watched as my own hot tears fell to my denim covered legs. The small drops pooled out as they soaked into the fabric.

  “Sometimes Livie’s in the dream, hiding in her room. Sometimes I figure out a way to get her out of the house before he gets there, but I’m forever trapped.” He held me firmer now. “Last night’s was the worst.” He took a deep breath. “Because you were there. I couldn’t get you out of the house, so I hid you and waited him out. When he came he delivered his beating and, while I lay in a growing puddle of my own blood, Dillon laughed because he knew exactly where you were. He dragged you out and was going to kill you in front of me, while I was helpless to protect you.”

  “Nate,” I groaned.

  “They don’t feel like dreams, they feel like real life, and I’m powerless to fight back or get out. Now you’ve been dragged into it. When I wake up, the panic and this suffocating feeling are all around me, and it takes hours before they’re not pressing into my every thought. I don’t know how to stop them,” he confessed, his voice growing with frustration.. “For God’s sake! I’m a grown man.” He pushed me gently but firmly away from him, got up and grabbed a pack of cigarettes out of the saddle bag, lit one and went over to sit on a rock at the river’s edge.

  I let him have a moment then followed him down and sat next to him.

  “I thought I was over it when I sent Dillon the letter,” Nate explained. He stared into the rippling water and let his hair fall over his eyes, almost like he was trying to hide behind it like a curtain. “Guess I didn’t. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

  “Maybe you are and it’s a process,” I tried. “The biggest difference between the two dreams is that you were able to keep Livie hidden, but not me. You protected Livie all her life and, like you said the other day, that duty’s been transferred to Jake. But with me …”

  “It’s a whole new level of love and protection.” He nodded. “And vulnerability. I get it.”

  “Yeah. Love is messy. Pair that with the fact that you’re still scared you won’t love me right. Maybe deep down you’re afraid you’ll do something abusive like he did.” I thought about it. “Maybe you’re rehashing it in your dreams because of what’s left of him remaining in you, that part that knows where I am and could hurt me. Just guesses.”

  “It’s a good analysis, Freud.” He crushed the cigarette into a small portable tin ashtray and closed in the butt. “So how do I conquer it?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

  Chapter 19

  “Home”

  Phillip Phillips

  For two weeks the dreams continued. Then one night Nate woke us both when he howled out a bloodcurdling, “NO!”

  “I can’t do this anymore!” he shouted as he angrily grabbed his pillows and moved to the bedroom door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To the couch,” he grumbled.

  “Don’t go.” I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “If we talk about it—”

  “I’m done talking about it!” he yelled. Pain clouded his expression. “It’s the same fucking thing and I can’t do it anymore! Do you understand me? I’m fucking exhausted.”

  “And you think getting away from me might help make them stop,” I stated in a small voice.

  “Yeah, I’m hoping. For Christ’s sake, I need a break between rounds!” he stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

  I was so upset I was shaking. Yeah maybe a night apart would give him a restful sleep, but what if he started to believe that was the solution and he pushed me away altogether? Again.

  “Fuck!” I crawled out of bed and put my light, silk robe around me and quietly paced the bedroom. The guesthouse was cozy and the plush white throw rug under my feet was like slippers, but I couldn’t feel any sort of comfort right now.

  How had we gotten to this place? This had all started the evening Nate saw my discarded grocery bags and believed the worst as he shouted my name, racing through the alley to find me. That was one trigger. When he realized there was no threat to me, he might have calmed down, but then he saw Lady Luck near death in my lap. That was the second trigger. We’d been fine before then, and now those fucking nightmares came every night like the tolling of a bell. They were driving a wedge between us, and Nate was going to let them!

  No way. No fucking way! We’d come too far!

  I burst f
rom the bedroom and found Nate sitting up, wide awake, with a glass of water in his hand.

  “I don’t like that you think sleeping without me even for a night is a solution,” I said, measuring my words.

  “Yeah, well I don’t like watching you die in front of me,” he murmured into the glass.

  “What happened to the dog? Your dog?” It was time he told me. No more omissions.

  “What? Why would you even bring that up? We’re not having that conversation,” he said with finality.

  “Yes, we are.” I grounded my feet and challenged him.

  “Guess you’re going to be disappointed.” He slammed the water glass to the table, lay down on the couch and turned his back to me. “I have to be awake in a few hours.”

  I hated being ignored. And I hated looking at his back as if I were too unimportant to respond to! I’d had enough of him ignoring me these past few weeks and skirting this topic.

  “TELL ME ABOUT THE DOG, NATE!” I demanded.

  He whipped off the couch and was suddenly, threateningly, on his feet and in my face. “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DOG. I’M NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DOG! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE DOG!”

  “You’d rather have a memory rip us apart?!” My adrenaline was flowing now, but I wasn’t afraid of him, I was afraid of losing him.

  “I’m only sleeping on the couch, for fuck’s sake!”

  “Now you are. And what if it works, Nate, huh? WHAT IF IT WORKS? Will you stay sleeping on the couch? Will you run further and further away from me? Because that’s where this could lead!”

  “I’m not leaving you, Jules!” he said incredulously. “And I’m not running away. What is wrong with you?”

  “Everything was great between us, we were happy and in love and making plans and getting tattoos, and ever since that moment behind the building you’ve been pulling away from me!”

  “You’re making shit up.” He sat on the edge of the couch.

  “Really? Hmm, let’s explore that!” I snapped, pushed my slept in hair out of my face and stared him square in the eye. “First you went to bed that night half in the bag. Next day you lied to me … lied to me, Nate, to get away from me. Caleb told me there were no stock rotations! So where did you go? What did you do? I don’t know. You never told me. You came back with the horses and told me about the dream, so I let you off the hook!”