I feel the need to scrub my lips just to get the feeling of his off mine.
When I start to strip my clothes off, Emma hollers at me through the door, saying that the girl agrees to trade places with me. I sigh in relief, not answering. Instead, I climb into the scalding hot shower that will hopefully settle my mind and body.
I lather shampoo in my hair, rinse, put on conditioner, and rinse again. I continue to wash my body that feels as if I’d jumped into a pool of dirt, and no matter how many bubbles appear on my skin, the feeling doesn’t go away.
More than anything, I need the feeling of his hands and lips to go away. I want to scrub away the purple marks he left on my neck and legs, but I can’t, no matter how hard I try. Those will be the reminder of a mistake I made until they decide to fade.
Unwanted tears begin to pour down my cheeks, and I have to lean against the shower wall to hold myself up as I sob into my hands. Flashes of his fingertips running over my skin lovingly and of his lips holding mine captive with care pop up behind my closed lids, and I peel them open to rid it.
My chest feels too tight and heavy like it can explode at any second. Any part of my mind that’s here to protect me scolds and shouts about how dense and dumb I am to care for a guy like him.
He will never love you the way you love him. That little voice reminds me, only making me feel worse than I already do. He only wanted one thing, and you gave it to him.
With an aching heart and teary eyes, I scrub at my body till it’s blood-red until I feel like there isn’t a trace of him left, only the bruises he left behind to punish me.
I stay in the shower longer than necessary. My mind is numb, and all I can think about is wanting to disappear. The only thing that pulls me out of my daydreams is a knock on the door that tells me I need to get ready. So, I turn off the faucet and step out and leisurely dry myself with the towel.
Once there isn’t a drop of water left, I dress with dry and bloodshot eyes. The leggings and oversized sweater are things I can hide behind, a shield to protect myself from further damage. I don’t even bother looking in the mirror when I tame my curly locks. What’s the use?
I hesitantly return to the room, stuff the last of my belongings in my duffel bag, double-check that I have everything, and plop down on the bed to put on fluffy socks and shoes.
Emma watches me with a cautious gaze, fiddling with her fingers. “Do you want to talk about it?”
The aching burn suddenly returns, and suddenly, I’m sat on a dingy bed in the middle of France with tears cascading down my cheeks because I had sex with my best friend who will never share the feelings I have for him.
“Oh, hun,” she murmurs, dropping down to take me in her arms as I sob into her shoulder. I hardly know this girl, and yet she’s been a huge support system for me on this trip. “Are you okay?”
“No…I–I don’t know,” I spew out, voice scratchy and not the least bit attractive, but that isn’t something I care about at the moment.
Emma’s shoulders slump, but she doesn’t say anything more, simply letting me cry into her hair until the tears finally come to a stop and all that’s left behind is a small sniffle.
I’m sure my eyes are extremely red, along with my face, and I probably not just look like hell, but I feel like that too. When I finally lift my head, she sends me a soft smile.
“You didn’t go down to get breakfast.” She pats down some of my wet hair, eyes widening and lips forming an O-shape when she sees the mark on my neck, but she doesn’t comment on it.
“I’m not hungry.”
She nods, looking at me like an older sister. “Let’s get this covered up before we head down, yeah?”
Minutes later, she’s applied coats of foundations to the hickey, covering it up from the naked eye, and I thank her as our teacher knocks on everyone’s door, reminding us to meet her at the bus.
Emma sends me one last reassuring look before we’re collecting our stuff to head down. I don’t see one glance of Hayden in the lobby, and my new friend collects my hand to give it a squeeze, leading us on the bus that’s almost filled to the brim with students.
I keep my eyes down, not giving the universe one more chance to taunt me further about my pathetic life. We place our bags in the compartment above and sit down, and I rest my head against the window, remembering just a few days ago when I was sitting here with Hayden and everything was okay.
The entire drive, I’m holding back a breakdown that is bound to happen, and I hope I can refrain till I’m back in the comforts of my room.
Our eyes don’t meet at the airport, and I don’t want them to. Hayden looks uninterested and lonely, not smug like I had expected him to be.
Does he really regret it that much?
Emma tends to me the flight back, making sure I’m okay and that I won’t start crying like a lunatic in the middle of a quiet plane. Coincidentally, we’re placed at a perfect angle to see him, but I don’t look his way. I do feel his green orbs on me every now and then, making me feel like it’s taking everything in me to not cry.
I can’t let him see that he’s broken me.
Emma and I hug for a while once we’ve landed, promising to talk later. When I see my family, I rush into my mom’s arms, and she embraces me tightly like she knows I’m in pain.
She shoots me an odd expression when I try to usher them out as quickly as possible. Wylie clings to me, and I pick him up while Gabe scoops up my bag along with Leena who is a humming mess.
“I just want to say hello to Hayden and his family really quick,” my mother says, frowning at my behavior.
I can see them out of the corner of my eye, and I can feel him, but I’ve never been this panicked before. “Mom, please…I just want to go home. I’m exhausted.” My sentence cracks in the middle, the breakdown on the verge of happening.
“Let’s just get her back, honey,” Gabe says gently, nodding at my mom towards the direction of the doors.
I thank him silently, taking comfort in Wylie’s arms that are wrapped around my neck. I tense up when we walk past their family. Gwen looks prepared to say something, but I use my little brother to shield my face, and she quickly picks up on the silence between Hayden and me.
For the last time, my brown irises meet his emerald ones that are watery and sad. His mouth is agape like he wants to say something so badly, but he doesn’t. Instead, he just looks away like I never meant anything to him.
I continue walking, the pain burying deeper and becoming overbearing the further I am from him.
Chapter 35
Elsie
I’m cornered in a space that’s pulling and tugging me in so many different directions; it almost makes me sick. Before, things were moving along like life actually had a plan, but now, every little thing is frozen in place.
What exactly is closure? Do I want that? Do I need that? All I know is that for now, I want to stay far away from that word. The one and only thing I need is to forget. To forget and move on with my life.
I find myself genuinely wishing I had never met Hayden, that we never became best friends so he couldn’t cause so much mayhem in my life. I know better, though. I wouldn’t take back anything we built, but he did.
That small pinch inside doesn’t want what we have to disappear, but after waking up alone and naked in France, I convince myself that is what I want. Maybe if he had just been there, we could have talked it out like we always do, but he crushed my hope right under his shoe.
My mother and Gabe are curious. How can they not be? A thousand questions are thrown at me, and I can’t seem to answer a single one, so they let me be. Instead of wallowing in my self-pity, I busy myself with my mom’s wedding plans that are moving along quickly.
No matter how many responsibilities I pile on my plate, I still am not able to shake the memory. It’s something that I won’t ever be able to take back, and I can only hope it’ll become so fuzzy that I have a hard time recalling it.
I took comfort in a b
oy who doesn’t know how to love anyone properly. And the funny thing is I thought he loved too easily, but I was wrong. Hayden doesn’t know how to love people the way they love him. He just doesn’t want to be alone.
Guilt has been mind-numbing as it chips away at my sanity, and I despise every single second of it. However, I’ve had to ask myself if I regret finally having him in the way that I’ve grown to want. The answer is no, but I do wish it would have happened differently and under better circumstances.
Hayden has made it crystal clear that he wants to take it back. The first sign being that he left me alone in that cold hotel room after I gave him all of me. The second is not reaching out, giving me radio silence for two solid days.
When I wake up on a Monday morning after only three hours of sleep, my first thought is that I have to face him today. It sends waves of nausea crashing over me, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by my mother who demands I stay home to take care of myself.
I can’t even bear the image of myself in the mirror since that night, but according to my family, I don’t look like I’m in the best shape. Trust me, I didn’t feel all that great either.
I can’t ask for a better family who has yet to pry and force answers out of me because I know it will throw me into another breakdown that I’ve kept at bay for days now. They can clearly see I’m in pain, and they’re trying to be there for me in the best ways they know how without smothering.
Tuesday rolls around from yet another restless night, and I realize that in a sleepy daze, I must have turned my alarm clock off hours ago. I give myself a nice pep talk, telling myself it will be best to ease myself in by going after lunch to finish out the day.
When I pull in the parking lot, it takes me ten minutes to find a space that seems miles away from the entrance. I get a call.
“Hello?” I answer as I put the vehicle into park, turning the engine off.
“Hey, I’m not sure if you are at school or not because you’ve been like a ghost lately, but can you drive up here and meet me in the courtyard?” Anthea’s voice comes through the speaker sounding monotone, a few other feminine voices in the background.
I frown. “I just pulled in, but sure, I’ll come back there.”
Our phone call ends after that, and I’m only left more confused. I climb out of the car, throwing my bag over my shoulder to make my way inside the building. I keep my eyes cast on the ground the entire way, hoping and praying I don’t bump into him or worse, Abby.
Getting to the courtyard is easier if you cut through the cafeteria, but I know everyone in our year will be there happily munching away, so I avoid that area at all costs. Instead, I take the long way around, walking down many long corridors.
I’m racking my brain as to what can possibly be going on. My life is already on a rollercoaster of fucked up events, so how bad can it get? I should really stop challenging how worse things can be because it really does come around to bite me in the ass every time I underestimate it.
Unfortunately, our courtyard is, in fact, crowded with students as well, luckily none I know. Mostly band geeks and chess club members meet out here.
Anthea wraps me up in a hug the second she spots me. “I’m so glad that you are back safe, and I’m going to ask all about your trip soon, but we really need some help figuring a problem out!”
I pull back to see the distressed look on her face, and my lips involuntarily curl down. “What’s going on? You sounded mad on the phone.”
She runs a hand through her dark hair, tugging anxiously at the ends. “I’m not just mad. I’m furious! You’re going to be too, I promise.”
Now I’m even more curious and apprehensive to find out what could have possibly gotten Anthea to be this shaken up. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s been a calm, cool, and collected girl who handles every situation with well thought out plans. But this is a side I haven’t seen in a long time.
“Breathe…” I coo, nearly wanting to chuckle because she does look pretty adorable while throwing a fit. “Why don’t you start from the beginning and explain to me what’s going on?”
“Come over here.” Anthea grabs my hand to tug me over in the direction of a picnic a few feet away. “Hannah can explain it much better.”
“Hannah?” I wonder out loud, wondering why the cheerleading captain would be explaining anything to me when we’ve never spoken a word to each other.
We approach the table that is surrounded by about three girls clad in cheerleading outfits, hovering over what seems to be a black book that looks like a sketch pad.
“Elsie, yeah?” the girl with jet black hair and beautiful stormy gray eyes asks, and I nod. “I’m Hannah. This is Eva and Poppy.” She smiles, introducing me to the other girls who politely wave.
“It’s nice to meet you guys.” I nod, glancing down at the book that is suddenly making me fidget. “Anthea said you had something to tell me?”
“Well, Eva found this book in her boyfriend’s locker.” Hannah begins, pushing it over towards me, and I take a seat. “Turns out, the boys in our senior class are disgusting pigs. We asked Anthea what to do since she’s the class president, and she called you because she thought you should see something.”
“See what?” My voice shakes, peering up to Anthea who hovers above me with a sad smile.
“You know I love you, and you’re not the only one who is in here.” She ensures, nibbling harshly on her bottom lip. “We’re all in it…Mine being recent because of Jake, that asshole.”
I don’t understand, and I’m not sure if I want to. My heart is pounding from the mystery of it all, not to mention the way all of these girls are sitting here looking at me like I’m some damsel in distress who needs her knight and shining armor to swoop in and save her.
Joke’s on them; I don’t have a knight and shining armor. The one boy who I thought could fill that position turned out to be the person I need saving from.
“Open it.” Poppy urges softly, patting my hand before pushing her blonde highlighted hair from her face.
With shaky fingers, I open it to the first page hesitantly, like it’s a bomb that can blow up in my face at any second. Funny thing is it’s much worse than a bomb, and it does explode my heart.
“Oh my God…” I inhale sharply, eyes scanning every inch of the pages as my Converse digs in the dirt under me.
“It’s sick, right?” Hannah scoffs, folding her arms over her chest.
Chase Martin: Eva Holten (Points: 3)
“That’s your boyfriend?” I point to what I just read, and Eva nods, tears building up in her eyes as she looks away. “I’m so sorry.”
There are pages and pages of things just like that: all different guys with different girls and points right next to them. It seems like the senior class has made some sort of sick checklist to keep track of who has slept with who, and it’s gained them a score.
“And you…” I peeking back up at Anthea who nods.
“Because I hooked up with Jake, I’m in there too.” She bends down to flip the thick pages towards the end when she stops and points towards the fresh ink.
Jake Hall: Anthea Brooks (Points: 6)
“Anthea, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” I grab her hand to give it a squeeze, knowing that she really did like Jake, even though I already know he’s a total douche.
“I’m okay, just angry.” She musters up a small smile.
I look back over to the other girls who look extremely passive-aggressive and ready to rip out the intestines of every boy at our school.
“This is so wrong.” I blink, hardly believing what’s before me. “They’re treating girls like they’re just pieces of meat. Like they’re a game…”
Hannah nods. “We’ve pretty much spent the entire morning reading through the whole thing, and thankfully, not every boy has participated. We don’t think every guy knew about their little book of secrets.”
My fingertips come up to rub my temples, thinking how comical my life has actually become. �
�Is this all you guys wanted me to see?”
“No…” Anthea’s posture becomes stiff, releasing a heavy sigh. “This hasn’t just been happening this year. In fact, this book dates back to freshman year.” She taps her fingers against the wood before turning the pages again, flipping towards the middle. “This is what I wanted you to see. It was written sophomore year.”
Hayden Jones: Elsie Archer (Points: 4…VIRGINITY add 3 more)
Chapter 36
Elsie
I don’t recall a time in my life when I was totally frozen with shock and disgust till now.
All of that sadness and guilt that had settled to take home in my heart like a disease begins to transform into what I can only guess is anger, taking over my whole body.
Should I be bending over in complete hysteria? It’s a valid question. However, another valid question is: why should I break down and lose it over something so immature? Anyone who participated in this, or even just knew about it, are egotistical pigs who think they are better than females, obviously.
I can’t believe that I did actually sleep with Hayden. Did I ever really know him? The thought makes my stomach churn, but what makes me even more curious and disturbed is that he lied. Not only did he fabricate that we slept together, but that he took my virginity.
My fingertip skims the blue ink of his name, recognizing the swirls of his handwriting.
“I didn’t have sex with him our sophomore year.” I grit out, feeling so enraged that this actually exists.
We’re in the twenty-first century for crying out loud! I thought we had battled all of this before and overcame it, but I was clearly wrong. I’m so sick of having to fight for things like equal rights that should just be common sense.
“I believe you,” Anthea says, gently rubbing my back to try and calm my trembling body that is coursing with fury.
“We realized if one guy could lie about sleeping with a girl in this book, then who knows how many more are like that,” Hannah states, placing her palms on the table. “Girls are silently being ridiculed and put down without any of us even knowing!”
The Best Friend: A Young Adult Romance Story Page 19