“I’m speechless.” It’s the only thing I can manage to get out because I truly am. What kind of person can do something like this? Who started it? And how could I have ever thought so highly of Hayden when he had a hand in this?
“We were too,” Eva says so quietly, fiddling with her fingers and picking at the skin around her nails.
I can’t even begin to imagine what feelings are running in her. She had a boyfriend of two years whom she idolized and thought was the greatest person on earth, but all of that is shattered by this, his real image.
Eva and Chase is a couple everyone around school knows of. It’s clear they both love each other with everything that they have, and they haven’t once broken up as far as I know. Now I’m not really sure where they stand, and I don’t know how she’s going to handle it, but I hope she doesn’t stay with a guy like him.
“I say we take it to the principal.” Poppy throws in her two cents, glaring down at the book.
“What would he do though?” Anthea asks, scooting in the little space next to me. “He may give the guys a slap on the wrist and confiscate the book, but that’s about it. I don’t think it would go over too well if he expelled all of the guys.”
“It’s mostly the football team who is in here?” I move towards Hannah who nods. “So then why don’t we just take pictures of a few pages, show it to the principal, and then do something else with the book.”
“Like what?” Eva frowns.
***
I think that maybe it’s about time someone showed the boys that females aren’t toys they can just play around with and not have any consequences.
“I can’t believe the principal didn’t even look surprised! I bet he won’t even do anything to punish them because he’s a sexist asshole himself.” Poppy rants, digging through the mountain of pompoms.
“The poor guy is nearly in his seventies. I’m sure he’s tired of high school drama.” Hannah giggles, probably thinking back to when we were in his office and she couldn’t stop nudging me because he had a piece of bread stuck in his mustache.
“He probably gets complaints like that all the time! Not under the same context though,” Eva chimes in.
“I’m still shocked he had the audacity to comment on us missing classes all day after we were showing him something extremely serious.” Anthea blows a stray piece of hair from her face, heaving from pushing the metal trashcan to the sideline.
I still haven’t spoken a word because my mind is doing enough talking. I can’t stop my thoughts from running around frantically, just trying to come up with a logical solution for everything that has happened over the past couple of days.
To say I’m exhausted and utterly confused would be an understatement. So, instead of joining in on their conversation, I simply sit on the fake grass, picking at it while mindlessly staring at the flammable fluid and lighter.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” Hannah’s soft voice pulls me out of my daydream, and I peek up through the sun to look at her looming over me. “I wouldn’t let what he put in that book get to you, okay? You’re more than a stupid score.”
I muster up a small smile. “It’s not the book that’s bothering me, but I’m okay.”
Anthea shoots me an odd look, and I know she’s curious because there’s no way I’ve been acting like my usual self lately. How can I? I want to tell her everything, to finally get it all off my chest, but I’m so scared.
I’m terrified she’ll think differently of me, and I know she’d never say, ‘I told you so,’ but it’s the only thing I can hear ringing through my head.
Why can’t I have normal high school issues? Like being the outcast who gets pushed to the side all the time. A guy I like asks me out on a date, and I nearly throw up on his shoes because of anxiety. Or a girl wore the same dress as me to a dance. Why is it things like this?
What Hayden put in the book was genuinely not the first thing on my mind. Am I angry? Yes, more than anything! Do I want to know why he lied? Of course. But I’m more so worried about my mental health after everything that happened.
Loud hoots and hollers grab our attention as the football team jogs out from the locker room to the field. A flash of blonde hair somewhere in the crowd makes me smile.
Nick’s blue orbs catch mine, and he grins, making his way over. “Hello, ladies! Did you all come to watch me practice?”
“We actually came for a bit of revenge.” I correct him, holding up the book, and his eyes widen, lips curling down. “I know that your name isn’t in here, so you don’t have to plead your case.”
“Yes, I do.” He sighs apologetically to all of us, grasping my hand to pull me to my feet. “Because I did know about it, and it was wrong I never did anything about it. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you know we’ll forgive you, Nick…” Anthea coos, resting her head on his shoulder, and he chuckles. “How could any girl resist those ocean eyes of yours?”
“In that case, give ‘em hell.” He encourages us, patting Anthea’s head sweetly and sending me a wink before heading back over to the rest of his team that is already staring at us with confused expressions.
“Here.” I hand the book over to Eva who gazes up at me. “I think you’re the one who is most affected, so you do the honors.”
She beams before whirling around to show it to every player on the field. They either look away, have an extremely guilty expression, or make a sound of affirmation like they don’t even feel bad. Eva tosses it in the metal bin, spraying fluid all over it before lighting it up.
We watch it burn to shreds, and I wish more than anything the others who participated could be here to see this iconic moment, but I’m sure they’ll hear about it.
“I have to go and do something…” I inform Anthea, squeezing her hand. “Can you guys handle this from here?”
“Of course.” She kisses me on the head before I walk away, feeling proud of the girls at this school.
I’ve suddenly realized that I need to grow up and move on from all of this. I need to do what’s best for me—hell, I need to do something for me.
Before I can even think, my feet are leading me in the right direction, back into the building and up a few stairs. I soon come to the office, knocking on the door to hear a faint “Come in.” I close the door behind me, walking over to one of the chairs in front of her desk to plop down on.
She watches me expectantly, and I sigh, having cold feet at the last minute, but I give myself the second pep talk of the day. Whatever happens will pave out the way it’s supposed to, and this opportunity was handed to me for a reason. I need to take the reins of my life and lead it to the places I want.
“I want to graduate next month.” The words spew out of my mouth, and my guidance counselor’s lips curl up into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.
“That can be done.”
Chapter 37
Hayden
I’m a complete and absolute mess.
There isn’t any other definition for me and my life at the moment, other than I’m the biggest fuck-up to ever walk this earth.
I wish I felt bad; I really do. I should feel guilty for sleeping with her, but I just don’t; I can’t. There isn’t any way I could feel bad for having the one person I love so much in the way I could have only dreamed.
I’ve been intimate with many girls in the past, but with Elsie, it was so different. I’ve never experienced something so amazing such as being connected with her. I could feel her on every inch of my skin, and I never wanted it to stop.
I should have handled the entire situation so much better.
Seeing her so hurt during the bus ride and flight back home was heartbreaking. She had been crying, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her tight until all the broken pieces fit back together. But I didn’t.
I needed to figure out what was going on inside my own head before I could admit how I feel towards her. Everything was a jumbled-up mess, and the last thing I wanted was to drag her into it all. But
the way she let her hair hang over her face like a curtain and how she hid her body behind clothes that were two sizes too big for her made me itch to tell her how beautiful she is.
The rage I felt was incredible when I saw every single mark on her neck covered up because they were there for a reason. Though, I had to remind myself that I didn’t deserve to feel that way.
The second I got home, I knew what I needed to do.
I should feel bad for breaking up with Abby, especially over the phone, but once again, I didn’t. Instead, I felt so much lighter and hopeful than I have in a long time.
What I was putting both girls through wasn’t fair.
She didn’t take it well. No matter how many times I apologized for staying in a relationship that we both knew was going nowhere, I just can’t love her when I’m so in love with someone else.
I’ve been hiding how I feel from Elsie for too long, and I need to tell her before my heart bursts. I need to get it out before she thinks that she means nothing to me.
Taking a step back and not speaking to her for two days just to sort out my own shit made me want to see her grow. It got worse and worse when she didn’t show up to school yesterday, and it came to an agonizing point when I didn’t catch her eye once today either.
Of course, I got a deadly glare from Emma who hadn’t stopped staring at me like that since the trip home. I was half expecting one from Anthea as well, but I haven’t seen her all day either, and I can only hope that she’s with Elsie.
I don’t even care if she hates me; it’ll change once I tell her how I feel. She has to feel the same after that night we’ve spent together.
The only thought that’s buzzing around my head is if she thinks I hate her, or that I used her. I could see where she’s coming from since I left her alone the next morning like a coward, and I haven’t glanced her way since because I had been more confused than her.
Slyly, I ask around if anyone had seen her, but I only receive shrugs from people in her class. I feel a deep pit in my stomach when she doesn’t show up in art class. So when school ends and the bell finally rings, I rush out to the parking lot.
I spot her car at the far end of the parking lot, and I sigh in relief. At least she’s here.
Deciding I’d wait for her, I lean against the side of her vehicle with my eyes cast down, kicking a few rocks with the tips of my shoes. So much time passes that the parking lot empties out, and I’m still standing here. She’s been in there for a while.
“What do you want?” Elsie grumbles out, and I whip my head up, startled that she had approached without me knowing
A baffled expression covers my face at the harshness of her tone, and I tilt my head, wondering why she’s frowning with such a pained look in her eye that makes my heart ache. She looks so tired and stressed.
“I know that what happened in France wasn’t exactly an ideal situation but we can—”
“That is just one thing on top of a million that you’ve done!” She snaps, her voice raised as I blink at her. “Yes, you were a total ass because of the way you handled it, but I get it. You didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t either.”
All I want to do is kiss her doubt away.
“Okay, so if you understand then we can talk—”
“I know about the book you and your friends made…” She interrupts me abruptly, and I blink again. “Why did you put in there that we slept together and that you took my virginity? And why did you think something like that was okay?”
It all clicks, and I remember what she’s referring to, something I haven’t touched since sophomore year when someone on the football team told me about it. My mouth falls open, and I scramble to try to come up with some sort of excuse for my actions, but I don’t have a valid one. At that time, it all made sense.
Everything is ruined now.
In my head, I had it all planned out. I was going to blubber on about how much that night in France meant to me and how much I love this frustrating girl. I was going to tell her that I broke up with Abby because I don’t love her, and I don’t want Elsie to blame herself for our relationship crashing. And the most important thing: I was going to admit how much I want to be with her.
“Elsie, n–no…” I huff, not even knowing where I’m going with it.
The tears begin to freely fall down her cheeks, and I feel my own welling up as I tug on the ends of my hair, wanting to scoop her up in my arms.
This can’t be how it ends.
“I didn’t really see how we were supposed to bounce back from France, but now?” She sniffles, voice thick with emotion. “Now I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
Elsie tries to sidestep me to get in her car, but my fingers wrap around her elbow to stop her, pulling her body to my chest so I can fight for us.
“Y–You know me…You know me, I promise. I’m the same guy you grew up with.” I rest my forehead against hers, but she pulls back, folding her arms over her chest. “It’s going to sound so pathetic, but I didn’t want anyone to take advantage of you. I put that in the book because I didn’t want any guy to take you from me.”
Back then, it made sense. If other guys thought that I had slept with her and put her in the book, then she would be left alone; that’s how it worked.
“You’re right, Hayden. That is the most pathetic and ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” She swallows harshly, eyes falling to the ground as she tugs her hand out of my hold. “But don’t worry, the book is gone for good.”
“I don’t give a shit about that stupid fucking book, Elsie. It was a mistake I made when I was young because I was afraid of losing you to someone else.” I plead, feeling all the words get caught in my throat. “You have to forgive me, please!”
“I was afraid of that too, but you didn’t see me acting like a child about it when I lost you to someone else over and over again!” Her voice cracks, her cheeks tinting red. “What was that night to you? Was it you just trying to get what you wrote in that book to come true?”
I can see it in her eyes; she isn’t going to believe me either way. It’s a question that has been weighing heavy on her, obviously, but she already has her answer she’s going to stick by.
My head shakes frantically, her chest tightening as I move closer till there is minimal space between us.
“Because guess what, Hayden?” She continues, a fire burning in her eyes that I’ve never seen before. She wants to hurt me. “You weren’t even the one to take my virginity.”
I feel the bile rise in my throat just at the thought. I fucking hate to imagine her with another guy, and I guess I’ve always been so under her spell I never realized.
“W–what?” I stutter with anger and jealously coursing through me, sadness being the last to roll me over all at once, crushing me and making it feel like I can’t breathe. “Was it that college douchebag Sebastian?”
“It doesn’t matter!”
“You were with someone else,” I mutter to myself, feeling like a selfish bastard who ruins any good thing that comes into my life.
“Why do you do that?” she shouts, wiping harshly at her cheeks, but it’s no use; the tears continue to fall as one escapes my eye. “You talk about me like I was born to solely be with you! And yet you’re the one who has been running around with every girl, and I’m supposed to what?” Elsie throws her hands in the air, keys wrapped around her finger while I stand there frozen. “Did you think that I’m supposed to wait around for you? Let you hurt me over and over again? You think I’m supposed to sit back and watch you with other girls, tell them you love them, fuck them until you finally decide you’re ready to have me?”
Each and every single word hits me like a ton of bricks because she’s right, and I know it. Over the years, I’ve pushed my feelings for her away the only way that I knew how, and I didn’t see that it’s slowly crushing her.
“Just hear me out, please…I’m begging you.” I croak out, letting the warm tears spring one by one from my sleepy eyes
. “No, please!” I protest when she shoves past me to unlock her car. She tosses herself in before whirling back around to face me.
“I need you to stay away from me, okay?” She sighs, gripping onto the car door tightly. “I don’t know if you were aiming to hurt me, but congratulations, you did.”
Those are her last words before she slides in her car and peels out of the parking lot, leaving me standing here like a whimpering idiot. Sobs rack through my body until I’m so weak I can hardly stand, and it feels as if my chest is caving in on itself, my lungs shrinking by the second.
Chapter 38
Elsie
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe the pain I felt shooting through me when I walked away from him in the school parking lot. I honestly thought the last little pieces of my heart had completely shattered.
The connection between us that we’ve built over so many years is stretching to the point of breaking, along with the remnant shreds of my overly sensitive heart. Nothing really feels the same anymore, not even the small town that I have taken comfort in many, many times over the years.
I feel entirely uncomfortable like I’m itching to get out.
The guilt I thought would destroy me has faded into a tiny wedge of self-hatred. I know that it will soon fade, just like the marks he left on my body, and I’ll be grateful.
Anthea and Nick have both been worried sick over me because I haven’t spoken to either of them since that day on the field. They’ve even gone as far to call my mother’s cell since I switched mine off for the entire week.
I can’t stand to see the many missed calls and unread texts from Hayden.
My mother calls my school and lets them know I won’t be in because I’m “sick.” When in reality, I just can’t muster up any strength to go, and I haven’t returned since I left Hayden standing in the parking lot a total mess.
There’s a part of me that still loves him so much, that wants me to hop out of my car and pull him into my arms to assure him that everything will be okay, but I can’t. For once in my life, I’m not going to give into him. He needs to know that he really messed up this time.
The Best Friend: A Young Adult Romance Story Page 20