Off Limits

by Jules Barnard

  He nudges my shoulder. “I’m not turning on you. It’s just that I know Jaeg. I know what he’s been through. The Olympics were months away when he had his accident. Not years—months, Cali. Training was his life and he lost it all. And then he had to deal with… well—anyway, all of that messed him up.”

  Tyler rubs his mouth and shakes his head. “I saw the way he watched you at his parents’ place. He’s a serious guy, and he likes you. If you’re not serious about him, don’t do this.”

  The last thing I want is to hurt Jaeger, not that it seems possible. The guy appears pretty self-sufficient, and he doesn’t lack for female attention, considering the attractive client I saw hanging all over him. But I get what my brother is saying. I’m a little off-kilter right now, free-falling, as it were. Okay, I have no idea where my life is going and I’m totally screwed up.

  The problem with giving up Jaeger is that not being with him would hurt me. I’m happy just hanging around him, not to mention, his kisses turn my limbs the consistency of pudding. I felt terrible when I thought I’d lost him to Gen. I don’t want to go through that again. “Why are you really in town, Tyler?”

  He stands and rummages in his bag, his movements stiff and jerky. “I had a similar situation with a girl. Nothing I want to talk about.”

  My big brother had his heart broken? That’s a first.

  I lay my head on the back of the couch and wince. My stomach is tied in knots. “Well, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.” I glance over, and Tyler’s staring at me.

  “What’s wrong? You sick?” he asks.

  I rock my head from side to side and gaze at the ceiling. “I’m a loser, Tyler. I haven’t told you or Mom yet, but I lost my job.” He raises a brow, and I wave off the questions. “Long story.”

  He sits beside me again. “You’re not a loser. You’re almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people on the planet.”

  Confidence runs in the family.

  In comparison to Jaeger and what he accomplished after adversity, I am a loser. At the moment, I have nothing to offer but baggage.

  Before I left his place, Jaeger told me he bought his house and workshop with the money he earned. That beautiful place and the property is his. He’s wealthy—and I thought he was a side-of-the-road salesman. I figured with my college degree, I had the upper hand, but I don’t.

  I can’t stay in Lake Tahoe forever. My mom would have a heart attack, and I’d never amount to anything working one of the myriad unskilled jobs available.

  If I obtain my law degree, that would be something. I wouldn’t be a loser with no future. I’d have something to contribute to a relationship. Eric booted me when I had things going for me. How would a relationship with someone like Jaeger ever survive?

  I am nothing without that law degree.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The next day I do laundry and wait for Jaeger to call or text. Yes, that’s how lame I’ve become. I’m sitting around waiting for a guy to call. Gen’s having an early lunch with Nessa, and Tyler drove to his friend’s place. Not having a car bites now that Gen and I are no longer on the same schedule.

  I fold clothes on the bed and glance at the phone every few minutes. It rings, or rather, chimes, and I launch across the bed in a quasi-cartwheel and swipe it off the nightstand.

  I take a deep breath and let it out easy. He doesn’t need to know I just sprinted to answer the call. “Hello?” I say calmly.

  “Hey, Cali.”

  What the hell? “Eric?”

  “Surprised?”

  “Yeeahh. Kinda.”

  “I wanted to check in. See how you’re doing.” He sounds happy, which is pretty annoying. It’s not that I don’t want him happy, but he doesn’t need to rub it in after the way he treated me.

  “I’m good, Eric. Everything’s good.”

  “Awesome. Things are going well over here too. I finish school at the end of the month and just accepted a job with a start-up in Silicon Valley. Great benefits package, vacation, the works. Some travel, as well. It’s a good opportunity. Lots of room for growth.”

  My loser ex has a life and he called to brag? “Good for you, Eric,” I say, attempting to mean it.

  “When do you leave for Harvard?” he asks cheerily.

  I rub my forehead with a fist. “Uhh, well, I’m not sure. I guess I’m going.” I should go. I need to go if I want a life.

  “What do you mean, you guess?”

  “Well… I was sort of considering not attending. I’m not sure it’s the right path for me.”

  “Are you insane?” His voice ends on a high pitch. “You’re joking, right?”

  What the hell? Eric never cared about my plans. Not until he broke up with me and indicated our different futures were part of the reason.

  “I was considering deferring or maybe trying something else.” I have no idea what that something else would be, but with Eric acting judgmental, I don’t want to sound like an even bigger loser and admit I don’t have a plan. “In all likelihood, I’ll end up going to law school.”

  “Yeah—well, good luck with that,” he says insincerely. “I gotta go. I need to wrap up finals and search for a place on the peninsula. Me and a couple of buddies are living together. It’s gonna be rad.”

  Did he just use the word rad?

  Eric got his shit together, so I have to give props for that. My ex and I have switched places. How awesome. Just—fantastic. “Okay, well, congratulations on your new job.”

  “Thanks. I’ll see you around.”

  Will he? I doubt it. I end the call and toss the phone on the bed, planting my face in the mattress.

  Payback is a biiitch.

  Jaeger stuffs the sandwiches and drinks he bought at the marina convenience store into his backpack. He called shortly after Eric did and surprised me with a hike at Fallen Leaf Lake.

  We climb down the steps to the beach and walk along the shore to the trailhead. “My ex called today,” I blurt.

  His gaze slides to me, his pace slowing to a stroll.

  “He called to tell me how great his life is.” I sink onto the craggy surface of a large rock. What I have to say isn’t directly related to Eric, but it needs to be said before things go further.

  I stare out at the water. “I don’t want to go to law school, Jaeger. Not even to one I can afford. I don’t want to go at all.”

  He sits on the low stone beside me, which puts his shoulders only a few inches above mine instead of a foot.

  I turn and look at him. “I might not end up being who you thought I’d be when we started this.” Silence. He’s watching me with a calm expression on his face that tells me nothing. “What are you thinking?”

  Jaeger slides the backpack from his shoulder and sets it on the ground. “I think you are who I thought you were when I saw you again, and that you should do what makes you happy. You’re a talented, smart girl. You can do anything you want.”

  I choke. “Talented? I’m not talented. I’m good at school. Smart, yes, although that’s questionable at the moment. A smart person wouldn’t give up a top law program.”

  He looks out at the water. “You’re an artist too. Don’t put yourself in a box, Cali. And your ex…” He shakes his head. “Dumbass. Better for me.” He grins.

  Jaeger spreads his feet wider, resting his forearms on his knees. “I never cared that you got into Harvard. I didn’t know that’s what you were doing before… well, anyway. That’s not what impressed me about you, though your intelligence is hot.” The corner of his mouth kicks up, light stubble along his jaw flickering blond in the light.

  I grin. His words are like a warm blanket; they soothe and comfort. He sees me better than I see myself. “What did you mean when you said I’m an artist?”

  “Your sketches.”

  “My doodles?”

  He nods slowly. “They’re amazing.”

  Is he crazy? No one has ever told me my doodles are good, not that I flash them ar
ound or anything. Gen likes them, but she also thinks vampire romances are literature and sings along to “Islands in the Stream.” Her tastes are dubious. She’s not a reliable source.

  Jaeger picks up a twig from the ground and twists it between his fingers. “I thought skiing and the Olympics were everything I wanted in life. That skiing was the only thing I could do. When it all fell away, I thought I had nothing left. My knee was jacked from tearing it too many times and my long-term girlfriend broke up with me. The girlfriend thing turned out for the best, but—” He looks up. “I know what it’s like to get dumped in life. I understand the doubts that go through your head. Believe me when I say that your ex was an idiot who didn’t know what he had.”

  Those words are easier to believe about someone else. Why any girl would let Jaeger go baffles me. I can’t imagine giving him up. I can barely take my eyes off him. “The girl you were with? She broke up with you after your accident?”

  “We were together in high school and our first year of college. She broke up with me when I was in the hospital.”

  My throat tightens. It happened a long time ago, but I’m angry for him. “That’s horrible,” I finally manage.

  He smirks. “Sort of, but she wasn’t the person I thought she was. I should have ended it long before that.”

  Hmm. A curious statement. I want to know more, but I won’t push.

  “I wish I’d done things differently back then. In fact, after I realized I couldn’t ski anymore… You remember me telling you about those years—”

  “When you were a man-whore.”

  He smiles, his eyes crinkling. “When I was a man-whore.” Then his face sobers. “It was a stupid, immature reaction to the chaos in my life. In comparison, you’ve handled what you’ve been dealt with really well. Better than I did.”

  I pick at a weed in front of me. “I haven’t turned into a slut.”

  The corner of his mouth quirks. “Maybe, but that’s not my point. You’re a good friend, Cali. You look out for Gen. I’ve seen you with your brother and the bond you share. You’re a hard worker or you wouldn’t have gotten into law school… and I remember you when we were younger. You’ve always been feisty, with an underlying sweetness.” He shifts on the rock, planting his feet more firmly on the ground. “I had a crush on you back then,” he says faintly, looking out at the water.

  My mouth gapes and I stare at him.

  After a moment, he glances over and smiles at what I’m assuming is my stunned expression. “It’s not something I admitted to myself back then. I was young and stupid. I thought I was in love with Kate—or at least, that I needed her. I’m not sure now.” He shakes his head. “I was busy, training nonstop. I glossed over things with her that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t trust my instincts. The more I get to know you, the more I realize you’re everything I wanted and still want. I know you’re going through a hard time, and believe me, I’m trying to give you space, but it’s difficult. I want to be with you.”

  I stop breathing for a moment, my head spinning. I figured he liked me. I wondered to what degree, with all the wooing. I never imagined his interest stemmed from as far back as high school—when I had my own little crush on the younger version of Jaeger. “What are you saying?”

  His gaze shifts down, then out at the water. “Just that I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He looks back. “No matter what direction your life takes. Things feel messed up, but you’ll pull through this and you’ll have me.”

  As much as that statement comforts, I can’t help but wonder… why? My life’s a wreck. I can’t handle not knowing where I’m headed. I need to know, or I can’t see a future with Jaeger or anyone.

  God, I sound like a guy, needing financial security before I can commit. But I was raised differently. My mom taught my brother and me to be independent and to provide for ourselves instead of relying on others. I can’t simply wipe that program from my head. I have to figure out what I’m doing before I make promises. But I also don’t want to lose Jaeger.

  No more serious talks about the future or feelings come up during the rest of our hike, which is a relief. I need time to process everything. Jaeger holds my hand as we check out a small mountain chapel nestled off the trail, but he doesn’t kiss me. That doesn’t stop me from drooling every time he lunges over a boulder near the cascades, his shorts straining against his perfect ass. The degree to which I lust after him is embarrassing.

  He drops me off at my house after the hike and pecks me on the cheek. The gesture is friendly and platonic, and not at all in line with his earlier words. Is he giving me space?

  Jaeger said he’d stand by me no matter what I decide, but the only logical course is to plan for Cambridge. There are cheaper and closer programs, but I’d be a dumbass to pass up Harvard. Attending school there is what an independent, intelligent woman would do. I can’t stand this fragile, broken thing I’ve become.

  It’s the only way I can get back to being myself.

  Chapter Nineteen

  It’s been over an hour since Jaeger dropped me off and Gen hasn’t returned from lunch with Nessa. I check my phone for messages. Finding none, I open a new text, but stop typing at the sound of a car pulling into the driveway.

  My eyes bulge. Gen’s in the passenger side of a red Jeep in a heated conversation with Lewis from the beach barbecue. Mira’s boyfriend.

  Where the heck is Gen’s car?

  I can’t believe she’s with this guy. He’s the A-hole all over again. Is she intentionally trying to ruin her chance for happiness?

  I sink onto the couch and twist my hands together. I thought bringing Gen to Lake Tahoe would be a good thing. I can’t believe she’s putting herself back in the same situation she escaped.

  Gen shuts the front door behind her and presses her back to it, her eyes closed. I spring up in full attack mode. “What the hell, Gen? What are you doing with that guy?” I point forcefully at the window and Lewis, his head turned as he reverses out of the driveway.

  Gen presses her fingers to her temples. “He’s not that bad, Cali. Simmer down.” She looks up. “It’s not what you think.”

  “You’re doing it all over again!” I’m stressed and taking it out on my BF, but I can’t stop. The stress of what I need to do—what I should do to keep my independence—is making me crazy. “Did you learn nothing the first time? Get a clue, Gen, this guy is using you!”

  Her hands fist at her sides. “And you know so much about men? Did you know Eric hit on me? He wanted to sleep with me, Cali.”

  Her words knock my head back. “What?”

  “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.”

  Gen’s phone buzzes. She checks it, then storms into our bedroom while I stand in the doorway, stunned. She takes off her sneakers—are her clothes wet?—and pulls a pair of sandals out of the closet, along with a fresh top and bottoms.

  “I tried to tell you that day at Eagle Lake,” she continues, “but you said things were fine between you two.” She sits and puts on her sandals, then pauses, hands on her thighs. “After you and Eric broke up, I told myself I’d be kicking you when you were down. I didn’t want to cause you more pain. I panicked and more time passed.”

  I’m frozen. “What are you talking about?”

  Gen whips off her T-shirt and pulls the new top over her head, arms poking through the sleeve holes. She turns to me. “Do you remember when I drove Eric to the store to pick up sunscreen while you were in the shower the first weekend in town?” I nod. “He came up behind me when we were there and wrapped his arms around my waist. He kissed my neck.”

  My head thrusts forward like a hound’s. “What the fuck! Why are you only telling me this now?”

  “I was still getting over the A-hole and not thinking clearly. It freaked me out. I worried you’d get the wrong idea and believe I led Eric on. You don’t know what it’s like.”

  “Are you kidding me? You’re seriously telling me that guys lusting after you is a hardship that f
orces you to betray your best—fucking—friend.” I can’t help the F-bombs. They surface when I’m furious.

  She shakes her head, her eyes agonized. “That’s not what happened. That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “What are you saying?”

  Gen grabs her purse and drapes it across her chest. Her cheeks are attractively flushed from whatever the hell she was doing with her new cheating boyfriend, and her pink blouse, shorts, and sandals fit her tall, lithe body to perfection. I sort of hate her right now.

  Her hands twist in the long strap of her purse. “He said he’d always been attracted to me.” She looks away, voice light, lips barely moving. “That things were fizzling between you two and that you’d basically become friends.”

  I sink onto the mattress, my head in my hands. Bastard. I can’t believe he called me, and I allowed him to make me feel bad. I don’t care what kind of job he got or how good his life is. He’s a piece of shit.

  I look up, pointedly. “What did you say to him?”

  “No! I said no! I never wanted that. He made me feel… dirty. I would never…”

  That’s what was bothering her the day of the hike when we first arrived in Tahoe. Not thoughts of her A-hole ex, but that my shithead boyfriend had made a pass at her.

  She walks up and rests her hand lightly on my shoulder. “Cali, we need to talk, but I have to go or I’ll be late for work. I’m sorry, okay?”

  I don’t look up. I don’t answer. Gen sighs and walks out of our bedroom. The front door shuts a moment later, punctuating the finality of this moment.

  When Gen and I first arrived in Tahoe, she was the broken one and I was her support. Now, we’re both broken and there’s a gulf between us.

  What is happening?

  I can’t believe I’m questioning Gen’s loyalty. She’s always been there for me. It wasn’t her fault Eric is a jerk. She was put in a bad position. Who knows what I would have done in her place?