“I need you to sit over there.” I pointed to the recliner. “I’ve had too much to drink to be this close to you, especially since you know the truth. I respect that you’re with my brother, so just go on over there and give me some space.”
“Jake, you’re going to need to control your feelings. Look, I don’t want to see you and Jax struggle because of me. Let’s take this time to work it out.”
“Do you hear yourself? You’re not a doctor yet, Reese. You can’t fix me.”
“How do you know that if you don’t let me try?”
I gritted my teeth before looking up into her eyes. “Because the only thing that’s going to fix me is out of my reach. I’ve tried everything, but yet here we are, alone in a fucking cabin at the top of a mountain where nobody can get to us. If that’s not bad enough, I’m sitting here picturing all of the things we could do without anyone knowing. You’re not just some chick I want to fuck, Reese. I could get lost in you. That’s how deep this is for me. You’re a curse.”
I had to walk away from her. My dick was reacting as I spoke about it. After grabbing my coat and boots, I headed outside, praying she wouldn’t follow. Not that it got me any resolution, but I threw the axe as far as my strength would allow, and then I howled and bellowed at the moon, as if I were a wild animal. So much frustration had built up inside of me. I didn’t know what to do, or how to overcome it. My heart was constantly breaking into millions of pieces, yet I couldn’t stop from loving her.
Now she knew the truth, which would only bring her problems, even when she denied it. We could never be friends. I’d always want more, while she’d struggle to hold in the biggest secret of her life. That alone would tear our relationship apart. There was no happy ending; not for me at least.
My cell phone began vibrating in my pants. I was reluctant to answer, knowing it was my brother checking on us.
“Hey, Jax.”
“How’re things going?”
“They’re fine. Reese is inside. I’m out cutting some wood.”
“Are you two fighting?”
“Not really. We’re keeping a good distance between us.”
“Is she mad at me?”
“I don’t think so. She’s more worried. How’s the snow?”
“The roads are covered. It’s a state of emergency, but we made it home from the hospital. Dad had the Jeep towed to the farm.”
I looked through the window and saw her sitting there. In my heart I felt like I could trust her, and I wanted to be able to. At this point, it didn’t even matter if Jax found out. I’d deal with the repercussions and try my hardest to make it up to him. “Do you want to talk to her?”
“Yeah, man. That would be great. I miss her like crazy. I’m glad she’s with you though.”
Before the guilt could eat me alive, I opened the door and waved the phone around. “Someone wants to talk to you.”
Reese stood up abruptly, and while she walked toward me to fetch the phone, I took off my coat to put on her. She looked right at me as I did it, but said nothing as she lifted the device to her ear. I stepped out of my boots, allowing her to put them on so she didn’t get cold. Then I went back inside the house to give her privacy.
When the minutes passed I was sure she’d told him the truth and he was freaking out. I was prepared to go back outside and hear him tearing into me. It was shocking when Reese came inside and placed the phone on the table. “Thanks for the coat and boots.”
“Yeah, well I wouldn’t want you to freeze to death. I already told you that.”
“Jake, I need to tell you something.”
I lifted my head away from the fire. “What? Is Jax on his way to kill me?”
She folded her hands and shook her head. “I didn’t tell him anything.”
Suddenly something changed for me. She’d proven that she wasn’t going to tell on me. She was protecting my secret as if it were her own to keep.
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“I told you I wouldn’t.” She looked away, taking the bottle of bourbon and finishing the rest of it. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
I got up and sat down beside her, paying close attention to how uneasy she seemed. “Was it because you didn’t want to hurt Jax, or that you don’t want him to know at all?”
“Don’t do this, Jake. I feel like we’re making progress. Don’t get weird.”
My body felt like it was on fire all of a sudden. My hands were clammy, and I stumbled to find words. She kept staring at me, as if she had so much to say, but no way to tell me. “We’re never going to be alone like this again, Reese. When you’re looking at me the way you are right now I wonder if you’re thinking the same thing I am.”
“Even if I was, and I’m not saying I am, I wouldn’t tell you. We can’t. I won’t.”
Things were getting uncomfortable, and I knew it was up to me to make it easier. I stood up and turned on some music.
“Now what are you doing?”
“I’m trying to be a good guy. Shuffle the cards. Let’s play.”
“What are we playing?”
“Strip poker,” I teased.
She cocked her brow and laughed. “I know you’re joking, but just to be fair, I’ll play, only because I know I’m a better player than you.”
“Seriously?”
“You’ve already seen everything I have, Jake. Even before tonight you’ve seen me naked.”
I played dumb. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh really? If I remember right it was the first Sunday dinner I ever attended. You pretended to be asleep, but I saw you, and you know I did.”
This shocked me. “I didn’t think you saw me.”
She started dealing the cards. “I didn’t know you were down there at first.”
“Why didn’t you stop or yell something when you did notice?”
“If I tell you why, you can’t get the wrong idea. It’s not as bad as it sounds.”
I was so intrigued that I forgot to count my cards. “I told you my deepest secret tonight. Obviously I won’t tell anyone.”
“I didn’t say anything because at the time I wondered why you’d never noticed me before. We’d spent so much time together, even before I slept with Jax. Yet you never made a move.”
“Don’t tell me I had a chance with you, Reese. I can’t hear that shit. Jax claimed you the first day we all met. I never had a chance.”
“So that’s how it is. You don’t get a say?”
“I hit you in the face with a football. I felt like shit about it, and then I had to spend time with you in class knowing I’d hurt you. Even if I wanted to fight my brother for dibs, you wouldn’t have wanted me to.”
She took the remainder of cards and tossed them in my face. “You never tried. With everything we have in common, don’t you think I would have preferred to date you? I love Jax. He’s a good boyfriend, and he loves me a lot, but he was never my first choice. Why do you think it hurt me so much when we stopped talking? I felt rejected, not just because you weren’t interested, I’d already started having serious feelings for your brother, but because I couldn’t understand why you hated me. I’d done nothing but be a friend to you, and you pushed me away like I’d never meant anything.”
I pointed in her direction, ignoring the cards that were now all over me, and the floor around me. “Don’t you dare turn this around on me. You were with Jax after the first day. He told me you two fucked. I don’t want his sloppy seconds, no matter how sexy they are.”
“Oh great. I feel so much better now. I’m just disgusting to you. For your information I didn’t sleep with your brother for weeks. I made him wait, and he wasn’t happy about it, but he did. It’s part of the reason why I fell for him. He respected me, which is more than I can say for you. If you had any respect for me or yourself you would have told me the truth a long time ago, instead of when I was already in love with your brother.”
Reese began to cry, and it wasn
’t just little sobs. She was bawling, holding her knees close to her chest, while reeling in emotional pain. I couldn’t hold her, or comfort her, because I wasn’t able to bring myself to share those feelings.
“I regret not telling you, Reese, but I’d never try to come between you and Jax. As much as I love you, and I swear I do, I love my brother too.” The alcohol was making me reveal things I normally wouldn’t. I knew they were inappropriate, but they needed to be said. The truth was that I’d bottled it all up inside of me for too long. Doing the right thing had consequences, and slowly they had torn me apart.
I reached for Reese, wanting to show her some kind of kindness. “Please say something.”
“I hate myself for saying this to you, and I know I’ll regret it in the morning, but I would have picked you. If I could go back I would have picked you, Jake. I love Jax, and it makes no sense at all, but I know in my heart you would have been my first choice.” She wiped away her tears and looked up at me. “I wish I never pushed you to tell me the truth. How are we supposed to get past this?”
My eyes began to burn. Not only was the bourbon making me talk, it was always causing me to be overemotional, so I liked to think, instead of admitting that this was the most heartfelt moment of my life.
I reached over and ran my hand against the soft skin on her cheek. “Please don’t cry. Just go back to hating me. I’ll be an asshole and all will be right with the world.”
“So you expect us to be like this forever? I’m just supposed to go about marrying your brother with this huge secret over our heads?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you want me to tell him? I can. He’ll be pissed, but I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve never tried to be with you, not once.”
She nodded, agreeing that I’d never approached her that way. “You’re right, but what about me?”
“Just bury it.”
“I can’t. You know the truth.”
For the first time I ran my fingers across her lips. I’d been waiting so long to do it, and even though I knew it was wrong, I at least needed that much from her. She didn’t stop me, which I appreciated. “You have to. It doesn’t even matter now. You’re in a good relationship with someone who is crazy about you.”
“What happens when we get older and find we have nothing in common?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You’re over-thinking this.”
“We’re sitting here plotting how to keep a secret from your brother. I’m not over-thinking anything.”
“We should call it a night. We’ve both said way too much. I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep talking about this. It’s making me want things that I can’t have.”
Reese opened her mouth to reply and then shut it without saying anything. She nodded slowly and stood up from the couch. “You’re right. We’ll figure it out when we’re both sober.”
Just as she was walking away I did something else I shouldn’t have. I grabbed her hand, stopping her from going any further. She let me rub my thumb over hers and she looked back at me. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for not calling dibs. I would have been good to you.”
Her smile faded as she closed her eyes and fell into my chest. I raised my arms around her back and held her tight, knowing this was all I was ever going to get. “I would have let you.”
When she climbed the steps to go to bed I silently sat back and thought about the things she’d said. If things had gone differently she’d be with me. I could have been marching up those stairs behind her with intentions of making love to her all night long. I wanted to know what that felt like; to love someone so much that sex was something other than just fucking. If I had a chance with Reese I’d spend the whole time satisfying her. I wouldn’t stop until she knew she was everything to me. I’d make her promises, and follow through with them, because keeping her happy would be my most important priority.
But she wasn’t mine, and she never would be.
Chapter 7
After cleaning up the cards, and adding more larger logs to the fire, I went upstairs to take a quick shower. Reese had left the door open to her room so the heat would go in, but I didn’t bother her. We’d already said way too much to take back.
The hot water felt good, but it was short-lived. The ten gallon hot-water heater ran cold, leaving me freezing and desperate to find warmth. I searched the cabinets, finding one small towel to dry off with. After putting on a pair of boxers and then some shorts, I hurried toward the stairs so I could grab a shirt out of my bag and get under the covers on the couch. I wasn’t about to sleep upstairs on the same level as Reese. The further we were apart the safer she’d feel. I’d overstepped too many boundaries already.
When I reached the last step I saw her sitting there on the couch, a full bottle of liquor sat in front of her. “I thought you went to bed.” She turned and noticed I wasn’t wearing a shirt. I watched her eyes taking me in. I crossed my arms so she couldn’t see. “Stop eye raping me,” I teased, hoping to clear the air.
“Come here, Jake. There’s something I need to say to you.”
I had no idea what was going to happen as I sat down beside her and looked in her direction. “What’s up? Are you trying to get drunk or something?”
She drank straight from the bottle. “It’s liquid courage.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of being around me. I’ll keep you straight.”
“I’m not afraid of being around you.” She slid closer to me on the couch. Her stare was fixed on mine. We were inches apart, but the invisible boundary was still up. I wasn’t going to make a move. I couldn’t. “I’m afraid of not being able to stop myself.”
She licked her lips, making sure I was still watching.
“Stop what?” Was this the same girl from earlier? “How much have you had to drink while I showered?”
Reese giggled. “Enough.”
“So what are you stopping? I’m a little confused. I thought you were going to bed.”
Her focus went to my lips. My heart was pumping so fast, while my palms continued to sweat. Reese was drunk and she was coming onto me. I wasn’t blind. “Reese don’t.”
She backed away, looking confused. “I need to know.”
“Know what? If we kiss the same? If we fuck the same? I’ll save you the energy, we’re never going to find out.”
She giggled, reminding me of the alcohol she’d had. “It’s not like that.”
“Then how is it?” I knew that since she was drunk her argument would be ridiculous. “As much as I like the idea of ripping off your clothes and taking you up to bed, it’s never going to happen. Drunk or not, I won’t go there with you, even if I regret it forever.”
“What if I can’t be with him, Jake? What if I can’t love him wholeheartedly if I’m always wondering if I made the right choice? What if I love him because he’s the closest I’ll ever get to you?”
My throat began to burn. How was I supposed to fight the one person I wanted more than anything? Denying her was like holding my breath until I died. How was I supposed to push her away when I’d dreamed of this moment for as long as we’d known each other?
What if she was with him for all for the wrong reasons? Did she love him because she couldn’t have me? Had I really been her first choice?
“Reese, you’re not thinking clearly. You love Jax.”
She nodded. “I do. I love him. I know I do. Yet, I can’t explain how hearing you love me makes me feel. The more you push me away, the harder it is to not want you. You’re willing to sacrifice your own happiness for your brother, but I don’t think he’d do the same for you, not to this extreme.” She laughed at herself. “You know, he once told me I wasn’t his type. He said everything about me was what you looked for in women. So what, do you guys stick to one type to avoid crossing lines? Is that how it works? Was I some screw up, like being served the wrong drink at a bar? Was I picked up accidentally by the wrong brother?”
“No. It’s not lik
e that. Jax liked you.”
“I know about his past. My roommates talk. I know all about the both of you. Neither one of you has ever had a real girlfriend. So why me? Why would he finally want to settle down with me if I wasn’t even his type?”
“I don’t fucking know, Reese. I ask myself the same question, but then I know how I feel about you and it makes sense. He’d be a fool not to fall for you.” I couldn’t keep doing this. She wasn’t going to let up, and I had no idea how much longer I could push her away. “Please go upstairs and try to sleep. We can’t be together right now.”
“If you could be with me right now without anyone ever finding out, what would you do?”
She went there. She asked the one question that would break me apart. My willpower was about to shatter. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what? I’m not asking you to sleep with me.”
“I can’t answer that. I won’t.”
“Why?” She wasn’t letting up. “Is it because you know you’d go through with it? Remember I said hypothetically nobody would ever find out. Answer me, Jake. Tell me what you’d do.” Her face was so close to mine. I’d never wished for her to be far away, but her mind games were going to get us into a heap of trouble.
Then I felt it; her hot breath so close to my face. She smelled of candy, and my mouth watered imagining the way her tongue tasted.
I just couldn’t help myself. I had to give her what she wanted. “First I’d kiss you with more passion than you’ve ever felt before.” Our lips brushed as I said it and began pulling away so I wouldn’t get caught up in the moment and lose control.
Her eyes opened and all I saw was intent. It wasn’t to walk upstairs and go to sleep. Reese was right next to me, offering to make all of my dreams come true. It was like sitting at a table with an angel on one side and a demon on the other. Both had viable arguments, but at the end of the day I could only choose one.
I didn’t have time to think about what my parents would say, or what I’d be risking if I took the chance. All I wanted to do was fall into that kiss.
Jake Mitchell Page 6